mental health
Learn more about other poetry terms
I have not used games in four months...
The sound of the words are silly, but the felling I'm getting is real.
I want that fix, I need that fix, so I'm getting that fix!
Even if it means the world is burning.
If you read a textbook, there are three learned emotions:
Love, guilt, and shame
Are these truly learned, or so natural they're misunderstood?
We know the basics; the bad, the good
I’ve built as many bridges as I could,
I’ve mended bridges that I now want to break.
Too many friendships that quit halfway through,
Too many broken bits of the bridges I built.
They break your mask
Crush it with their feet
Point and laugh at
How ugly you look
A monster they claim for you
To be
To play the role of an actor
A villian,
When all you wanted was
Maybe you think I can take it
But that’s just ‘cause you’ve never seen me break yet
In fact, all you’ve ever seen me do is fake it
You think that I’m okay but you’re mistaken, chasin’
Next Stop:HELL
I remember the days you confined me in hell,
although in my home it was a prison cell.
Rico’s Way
See I knew from the start that you weren’t worthy of my heart,
still I held you up and never set you apart.
She didn't see herself the way others saw her.
They saw beauty. Bright eyes. Red lips. And a white smile.
Lies that hurt, Tears that flow
A make-up disguise, with bloodshot eyes
She’ll fake a laugh, and put on a smile
Buzzzzzz!!! Buzzzzzzzz!!! Where is that sneaky stinger?
(as he swats away at his imaginary insect)
Understand the reasons this feeling is to remain
Negativity runs rapid, skin flushed with blame
Hopes, dreams, and nightmares, are all the same
Agonizing within all of the outside of my pain
into the mirror i dare to lookthe frame of dust is shoddy and molderingi search again for imperfections i've memorized.i know where each one is and what each one looks likebut this time, i think something will change.
covered with deep scars deep enough to be
known she found herself strained
holding herself up on the stump she gave up
asking herself is she a cover of book
daunting in her thoughts
she found herself lost
To the part in her heart veiling fears
then faking the fears with tears
she didn't know the principles of trading
so the imbalance trading prolonged
the society's brave norms,making her weak
How do I tell you I'm not doing so well.I don't feel real feels like i'm in overview almost like i'm not the one thinking like someone else is thinking for me I swear i'm not doing these things on purpose I just want to get away from eve
I stood there.
In the stillness of the nights embrace.
The gentle breeze kissed my cheek.
I was a lost soul standing at the edge.
Standing on the edge.
I stand on the bank on the other side
And look back to where I started
Before I crossed the raging currents
I feel a great sense of relief
The flailing in the water,
I don't wanna feel this wayGod, take this pleaseIt's like a heavy black cloud has settled on meA weight on my shoulders that I just can't liftEvery decision I make feels wrongAlways second guessing
Your effort towards Me finally sunk in. I think.
I get it. I get what it is that You were trying to bring out. And I'm putting it together now.
If my mother truly knew best,
then why is it that my father is here
and not her?
You keep telling me that I should trust in my mother,
BUT the second I do,
it gets thrown back in my face, ten-fold.
Waves
We talked about wanting to go to the ocean to scream at it.
Our voices getting swallowed up by the waves.
Maybe we still will.
For now, though, our tears are waves enough,
Chasm
It is so cruel how the world keeps on turning.
The sun dares to make its way out from the clouds.
The birds mock, the kids play.
The flowers bloom, the wind blows.
How is it not all weeping?
Ever So
We lost him three months ago.
It's impossible that this much time has passed,
but impossible things seem to keep happening
with unrelenting ease.
Impossible things used to seem exciting.
Walls
Watching the sun dance on the walls that encased my childhood
The walls that have heard the laughter and joy
of a little girl who's memories all come back to this place.
With its chipped baseboards
A Plea
Any moment stumbling past that isn't blanketed in a stifling heat
I find myself scurrying to peel back my curtains, and open my windows
Cracking the doors, begging the wind to blow through
I sleep only to stay awake
My dreams so vivid, that my deep slumber goes to waste
I dream of awful things
Of shaking and jerking uncontrollably, endlessly
I sleep only to stay awake
My dreams so vivid, that my deep slumber goes to waste
I dream of awful things
Of shaking and jerking uncontrollably, endlessly
i can crack the mirror in a blink of an eye
no blood, i wonder how i changed it
so quickly, i wish i had time
this hair, it isn’t mine,
Sharp , rope hot,
flashing streetlights, deeper hung
deeper wires, red and blue
stinging hot of ocean water
dripping down in sticky red
i'm on the floor, my thighs and wrists are now filled with scars.
tears are rolling down my face.
blood dripping from my skin.
my eyes can't seem to focus properly.
suddenly, i get a message, it's from you.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
College
Is always a prominent weight on my shoulders
Is a monster hiding under my bed waiting… waiting… waiting.
Upon the place fate set aside,
there will be no forget-me-nots.
There will be no roses adored in gold, nor any violets or honeysuckle.
Cursed is this fate, holding onto the limbs of destiny.
It started with a plastic castle from Fisher-Price. With little plastic knights, and a wizard, and a dragon, and a princess.
Us boys would play with it for hours. Greg would always be the black knight who saved the day.
Fat
That’s what they call me
As if I didn’t already know
As if the doctors hadn’t already given me the heartbreaking diagnosis
Again and again and again
Fat
So yes I am fat
And yes I am tall
Another year older
Another day colder
The heat went out again this year,
Almost like a tradition
I’m single again
Almost certainly a tradition
And the pipes have burst
Depression is like a record player
With a new record every week
and it’s always scratched
Right at the saddest chorus
With all the saddest chords
Those who never pleased the lord
who dwells with us in the unseen
standing over as we sleep?
in the mirror, someone not us
yet too familar;
staring deep, dissecting our sins
with icy precision.
we are its vision of a world less dark,
Plagued with walls of doubtMy mind begins to frayMy thoughts beg to strayAnd it all spills out
Fraught with doubtRunning into walls created by myselfEntering doors, that shouldn’t beNever taking words as factZaniness wins over reasonInto the void I goEntering doubtfulness
Anxiety reignsBut it is normal in lifeStress won't finish me
You should feel no shamebeing scared is part of lifejust don't let them win
I’m in the vast desert,
calling for help every chance I get,
but nobody can hear you when you’re in the desert.
I’m nearly dying from the heat,
dehydrated,
The water I drink is too salty,
The food and the desserts too,
The tears stream down my face,
They are too salty too.
I wash my wounds with salt,
I, will never meet your expectations
I, will always be a disappointment in someone else's eye
I, will never truly be me
I, will always walk in your footprints
You know I've been thinking a lot about life this crazy life that we all live, some days I look at life and say why because so many bad things happen to such good people but then there's days like today when I look into the eyes of my s
My mind swirls as I sit in my room filled with colors
I am a gray blob in this room of life
Blue dropping onto soft gray sheets
Silver in my hands
When I was a teen I had a rat. A white dumbo rat, with red eyes, who was blind. Her name was Fresno, like the California nightcrawlers she bore resemblance to.
When you grow up like I did, you will scavenge for love like you’ll starve without the scraps.
You’ll carve mold off the edges and ignore the bitter taste between your teeth.
Once I was young. Once I was happy. Once I was innocent.
Once I wasn't a teenager. Once I wasn't sad. Once I wasn't dirty minded.
But now.
I am a teenager. I am sad. I am dirty minded.
I’m really proud of the person I’m becoming.
I’m constantly advocating for my rights!
Even in situations where I should just keep quiet…
My grades are really good right now!
My paranoia recently has been so bad, it's making me go insane.
Or maybe I’m just faking it all.
See, that was a funny joke!
Or was it…
Manipulations runs through my son's veins
At an early age the disease caught him
After the divorce we were stuck with a curse
He had an addiction to making me suffer
Getting his way was the only option we had
I wake upI feel in my bones it’s not the right timeIt’s been 15 hours since I fell asleepI close my eyes
I wake upMy body aches and my hands are icyIt’s been 7 hours since I fell asleepI sit up
I spent last night googling birds that sing in the morning,
to give myself something to wake up for.
Tricking myself into believing I’d even be awake by then.
Because the truth is I am not ok
I feel like I can’t speak.
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t speak at all.
All it does is ruin things.
If I spoke now, everything would change.
Start acting like you’re okay
This pain will never go away
Don’t let them really see
The monster that you’ve grown to be
The loud noisein my eyesin my mindRoaring and growling
The noise won’t stopIt haunts and tricks medriving me to the edgeof insanity.
Over and overWhat if?What if?What if?
I'm just tired.
Not the kind that sleep can cure.
Tired of being let down.
Tired of faking happiness.
Tired of being sad.
Tired of waking up and feeling like I'm worthless.
Tired of trying.
Você não é ninguém
Como eu não sou ninguém
Você é alguém
Como eu sou alguém
Há uma humanidade
Freedom is a scarce commodityRunning into open armsEvery time you close your eyesEvery time I say I love you.
Anytime you need someoneThere is always a place for you in my heart.
Les roses, les fleurs et les bouquets
L’amour, l’honneur, le respect et la paix
Les vers, les poèmes et la littérature
life is always changing
and sometimes it can feel like chaos
when you have to divide yourself
into pieces to get your shit done
Fear closing in
all around me
trapping me in a box
The world keeps spinning though
keeps on spinning
I can't stop
yet I can't keep up either.
Everything's wrong...
The silence of twilight
Never seemed so intense.
The old lady whistled
Through her bloodstained lips,
Grinning at the cup
Placed near her husband.
The aroma was his addiction
But now the coffee
Hoping for this feeling to pass
Some moments I feel happy
Some moments I feel sad
"Wait it out, maybe it will go away"
The feelings build up
While eating me away
It's funny how the brain works,
Suddenly reminding me of the abuse I unconsciously tried to forget.
Leaving me alone with the feelings of guilt and regret.
This body that no longer feels safe
With a heart that carries great ache
Your dirty hands make me sick
The thought makes me shake
This body no longer feels mine
My body dirty and disgusting
The unbearable pain, it hurts more than anything.
Physical pain can be temporary.
This pain is in your memories.
Unless you can forget.
It will always remain
This could be the darkest poem I will ever write
So I will make it a short one
So now it could be the darkest short poem I will ever write
And maybe it already is so let’s start with the light
Having depression is weird
Because you can be at the lowest point of your life
So sad that your arms can’t move
So sad that your eyes wont stay open
So sad that every sky is a grey sky
It is hard for others to truly understand just how I really feel.
Even though I may look fine from the outside, inside I am fighting something very
real.
Thoughts run wild
Is this normal I’m still a child
It’s constant
It’s never ending
It’s utterly excruciating
Thoughts of suicide
Fill my mind
Should I stay
It took 10 years to teach myself how to breathe again
How to live without pretending that’s what I was doing
To stop allowing myself to die quietly
As to not inconvenience the neighbors
Y'ALL! I presented this poem in 2017 at a talent show and got a standing ovation.
If that isn't skills, I don't know what is. Anyways - thought I lost it, then I found it!
Please enjoy.
I want to be able to press pause
I want to make it all stop, only for a little while
I want to sleep for ten days,
I want to get sick of my bed,
I want to bury myself in blankets
Instead of dirt.
Don't make us become displaced.
Never make us feel misplaced.
that would be a disgrace.
Trauma and tragedy,
no one should have to face.
Fun games ,not war.
Say no to gore.
Someone told me once that we only see stars when they’re dying
As if death was the most memorable thing about them
And it makes me wonder.
You know depression is an empty space
A universe of no life
It’s so easy to get lost
To get comfortable in the act
In the game of pretend
Of being something you’re not
Perhaps because it’s safer
Or because you are afraid of the monster behind the mask
[TW: SUBTLE ALLUSION TO SELF HARMING]
I'm not writing,
I'm carving into this paper like it was stone.
I'm carving,
I'm doing it on this paper so I don't do it all over my body,
All over my whole self.
Why do I feel like I'm being held at gunpoint
Every second of my life?
My parents are threatening to pull the trigger if
I don't perform to their expectations in school.
I'm Rapunzel and I've just cut my hair off.
It meant freedom at the beginning,
But now I can see
I'm still trapped.
How am I supposed to get down now?
Hayley Williams said "burry the castle",
I am not evil,just very ill.
Staring at the window sill.
Too afraid to look up,
From the cup
The glittering velvet night,
The street lamps are bright.
People enjoying delights,
Depression is a drag queen
She sashays across the floor
Covered in sparkles and makeup
So you almost forget.
You almost forget how alone you feel
How the bar is empty
We are not ailens,please give us a chance.
Everyone is entitled to song and dance,
Even a holiday to France.
Something for all to enjoy.
Dreams do come true,right on cue.
Feeling like I'm tired of living
Feeling like I'll never fully heal
No one taught me how to deal
With all the anger and sadness I feel
Sometimes I can't deal with my own madness
Wishing you could see
The heat wasn't working in my apartment today
Which normally would be just fine
Because see I like it a little cold
A little cold is just fine you see
But it wasn't just a little cold
[TRIGGERING WARNING: SUBTLE IMPLICATION OF SUICIDAL IDEAS]
Unfitted for society,
What will I do?
I know nobody is fitted for this shit
But you cope with it, don't you?
Unprepared to earn a living,
There is something that weighs on my chest
Every night as I go to bed,
I have no way to distinguish
What I want, what I can ask for, and what I need.
There is something that aches in my chest
There are all sorts of people around us,who will be harshly judged.
They will be called cruel names, we need a stop to this game.
A change in the world ,is what we need to see.
[NOTE: I'm a non-binary person, my pronouns are they/them. At the beggining of the poem, I talk about the period of time I considered myself a girl. When I start speaking in first personand I talk about "they" I'm talking about myself.
Depression
I know you all too well
Sticking by my side like glue
Ever since I was out of the womb
Faking a smile for all to see
Sunny Days
Ice cream
Long bike rides.
Giggles ringing through the air.
It was fun.
A time of simplicity where worries were few and far between.
Most days I am able to smile through the pain.
Push through tough obstacles with unshakeable positivity.
Telling all the demons of my past that they are wrong.
Happiness to me is like a warm chest filled with honey, nutmeg, and love.
It dances barefoot through fields of grass without a care in the world, and a smile so bright.
I am a warrior.
A warrior of blood and bone.
A warrior of heart and tears.
A warrior.
A warrior who cries so many tears that she competes with rivers.
the urges come and go,
i miss you through
some days i let you flow,
even though i know,
i'm not allowed to do so.
when the ray hits you
it reminds you of life
not of the current
but of life at its source
it brings up the issues
from inside your bones
and beneath your skin
interrupting hibernation
if you have stayed
longer than expected
you are one among many
for all acquaintances
grown attached
unintentionally rally
if you’ve seen my light
pressure is physical
reality is suffocating
pain becomes reality
mentally im breaking
i sleep thirteen hours
just numbing my brain
pick out a smile
entertain for a while
“Don’t stop.”
“You deserve this”
“You should just do it”
That’s what kept replaying in her head over and over.
As she was reopening old cuts.
Sit down with me,
There is something I want you to see
This empty canvas,
It look as if it will always be empty.
With the sound of my erratic screams,
It fills
I remember
I remember when I could just eat
Eat because I was hungry
Eat because I just wanted to
Because that cookie just looked delicious
Taking a bite and feel happy
Yeah, I remember
Too much
built up and boiled over,
Triggered by cold front
each first is worst
yearly,
I die.
Too much
built up and boiled over,
Triggered by the noise upstairs
Don't worry
There's no need
It's mild.
I have no need to scrub my skin raw
No need to compulsively arrange objects in a specific order
I do not quadruple-check windows, doors, the stove, my car
I used to be afraid of monsters
Lurking ‘neath my bed
But, no one ever told me
‘Bout the monsters in my head
Night lights and my teddy bears
All kept those beasts at bay
stupidley hanging my head in shame
finding out i lost a contest i never entered
crying into my pillow at night
screaming at those who love me
zoning out in class
falling in love with selfish hounds
I've learned to eat cold pizza
I've learned to eat mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes, and I no longer eat all the individual parts of my salad separately
Something I never thought possible
I feel like water,
Always desperately flowing
down the path of least resistance
-
But where I find myself now
there is no path;
High stone walls on every side,
A solid, smooth basin
All it needs is a simple number
To trigger the pain
It awakes from its slumber
It takes over my brain
To trigger the pain
Almost everything about me makes me feel crazyMy depressionCrazyMe doing my hair once a monthCrazyLoving someone I talk to off and onCrazy.
I am never the one to call it quits
I am the one that quietly sits
There and takes the hits
Working hard to throw my hints
I try so fucking hard
to hold onto hope.
When everything is
slipping out of my grasp,
And it feels like my world is
drowning in ink.
I try too fucking hard
to hold onto hope.
It marches in boldly,
Adulation no retraction.
No holds barred,
Wrong reaction.
It invades you forces you,
Sour taste makes you spit.
Turning your thoughts
into a thick soup of shit.
I recall EVERYTHING!
The airbag only burst when I hit the tree in the bush. He wouldn’t have died had he not jumped off the bike.
Why is our youth becoming angels?
I’m losing them left and right,
This is an urgent fight,
To have a future that’s bright,
Dear hopeless I of my past,
I could say it wouldn't last
But there is a storm on every horizon you see
Yet one future day you will wake and find yourself as me
I know how hard it had been
Pain is like snow.
You look up—
And no matter how hard you squint,
You can't quite see where it's coming from.
From time to time it may stop,
But in reality,
It's rushing at you,
All at once.
They always told me
"You write too much"
So, I stopped.
At the dinner table,
They'd silence me
With their glaring eyes.
And all I could do was painfully smile
Mundane
Life has lost its luster
Like diamonds that refused to shine
Drab
It's perpetually raining in my head
And I hate being so soaking wet
Dreary
Everything is gray and sullen and broken
young man, you owe me your innocence
forget the dull waving of the wisteria vine.
you look at me,
animal,
crying for the reason of man.
Excuse me, I beg your pardon,I'm just here growing in my garden.Like everything, I come from a seed,So please don't call me a pesky weed.
Despite all the mirrors I've walked past,
I could never see myself
When my finger touched the reflection,
Printless marks left the glass
A fragment of unimportant dust
The loudest whisper you never heard
Why do I feel
this way?
Why do I always give you the benefit of the doubt and never cut myself
the same slack?
words
spew and
tock continues to tick and takes this train
hostage; loops, speeds, nearly tips
the conductor hangs with one hand
Gripping the footplate for dear life,
Once upon a time I stopped talking, I actually also stopped walking
I would stutter, ‘cause my mouth would feel wrong
I would stumble, ‘cause my legs would feel numb
Frost encumbered
yet sitting in the sun
the green grass glows.
Beautiful to the world
but look inside,
its heart froze.
Everything's so loud
How do I drown it all out?
Drown out all the emotions
All the pilling school work
Drown out the yelling parents
Everything
Drown out everything
drop pen to paper
the writing’s done
this masterpiece complete
the realization of your work
chills you head to feet
In the dead of the night
When no one is near
My misery flows freely
And I'm just wishing
Wishing someone would hear
in biology class
we learned that everything in the body
is constantly in motion
because stagnation fosters disease
i went home
Covid won't get us, we live all the way in Alaska.
They've shut down travel.
There won't be a battle.
We’ll be back in school before you know it,
An apple a day to keep me healthy you say, Just make sure its organic, And have two a day. You only said one,
Hey,
I'm sure,
I'm sure when you say that you're not fine
a million will rise to show you sympathy with their corporate smiles
and pretty white lies
You were born a little later than me and the other,
Your personality truly sticks out from the rest.
Yet despite the fact you're my baby brother,
You to understand this has to be addressed.
Oh I don’t know,
it’s four past midnight here.
I do believe that cheese is best served at Three.
Peter Piper Picked a Pair of Pills to Pop
Just to see what they’d do to him
He Popped a cocktail stocked with
Adderall, Buspar, Benzos and Zoloft-
Oh my sweet boy
You who were once my morningstar
Far away and too far gone
Lost amidst the endless sea
Drowning you with each crushing wave
flower.
peaceful, beautiful, useless
you must perch in the wind,
dance in the rain,
withstand the cold,
& stay still in the soil.
but
flower.
The idea of you is everything that I want, but a want is not a need.
A want is a happiness that only lasts for a moment.
A moment that only lasts hours, minutes or seconds.
It is never considered to be long lasting.
sometimes i hurt so much,
physical pain from a mental enemy
sometimes i don't want to be alive,
tears trailing and flooding life
truth is,
once it's introduced itself
it never really leaves
Rocking back and forth
Waves crash and rain pounds
He is asleep in the cabin, unwoken
Alone, sea churns hammering the sturn
Tangled ropes of the sail & rigging
no one talks about how it itches.
it burns it stings it stains
theres little streaks of shame
on the back of my pillow case
as if I could hide it
when its that close to my brain.
Deja Vuvu, I'm alone and you're out doing you.
Only difference is that there are no tears being shed over the absence of you.
Heart numb from repeating the same things needed, but dismissed.
I frown and adjust my crown. My spirit shattered, but made no sound.
Counting my blessings, but my soul is down.
A sadness so deep, so profound.
Losing weight by the minute, I'm already down 80 pounds.
This is the story of a young boy
And the bullies who fought agaist him
They kicked, punched, broke his toys
Until one of them met a bitter end
He was walking to his school the long way
It's been a while now
I used to cut and cry and repeat
But now I finally know
How that battle can be beat
Mental lives in my head
No.
Mental is my head?
Irrelevant.
Mental makes life hard when life is easy,
Makes overthinking the normal,
You are the greatest secret
kept from yourself.
It is in hiding your Light
that you become lost.
It is in resisting the moment,
i met my depression for coffee
i wanted to know what I had done to earn her apathy
"why?" i asked
but she sat in silence, watching the rain drops slide down the roof
tears pricked my eyes
Life will be good
And I'll be free
From the hurt and the pain
That had a hold over me
Won't push people away
How to die without dying:
Learn something new
change your name
change your wardrobe
give
take
cut strings
Everyone’s screaming just out of sync,
everyone’s begging for someone
to please
be proud,
please,
tell me I’m worth loving,
An internal betrayal, sure
Anger, sadness, hopelessness
An eternal spiral of these emotions
I boil over
Once again
beauty is perpetually imperative to my existence.
i pride myself on the fact that i can view even the ugliest things as breathtaking and groundbreaking,
Some find it hard
choosing between heart and head,
even when the perpetrators don’t deserve
The wind will tell the story
Of my disappearance..
Of our sweet memories
You will remember me
Will you be able to smile then?
TRIGGER WARNING :: mentions of suicide ::
I think to myself ‘This feels like drowning,’
As my tears fill my bathtub.
This feels like dying,
as my tears tie themselves around my neck.
The void is made of silvery, satin silk
A beautifully fabricated lie
There's no place for time to fly
There's no voice
It is calm and it is no place to rejoice
The void is like the sound of static
They tell me not to worry,
They said. Oh! You’ll be fine.
They tell me it's just hormones,
But they don't feel me cross the line.
They don't hear my crazy thinking,
They don't see my sleepless nights.
I need help.
They say there are good days and bad days.
But how can you tell the difference when you don’t even know what day it is?
Let's connect to reality;
turn off the electricity,
lie in the silence that
invades us.
I'll hear you for lack of
the other sounds that
made us
bearable, one to the other.
My soul echoes praises,
In the most inopportune of times.
At a sneezing in my face,
In the checkout lines.
Praise is a compulsion,
From my grateful heart to the divine.
Picture (Im)perfect
Mind blurred like a camera lens
With no clarity left to picture
Tried to wipe away all the painful memories
Little Boats
Your name etched into my skin
Watching it all sink in
Blood flowing like a river along the divots in my arm
S-
Suicide. I’m sitting in the bathtub.
The cuts on my arms have already started to clot,
but not before staining the blinding white.
Snap-crackle-and-pop
go the synapses in my brain.
Snap-crackle-pop
Snap-crackle... pop?
Uhmm... Jaysus,
sorry. I forgot what I was saying.
It's this long term memory
Decorative
Shiny
Locked Away
Too Delicate To Use
But Look How Pretty It Is In Your China Cabinet
But How Often Do You Look In Your Own China Cabinet?
I don’t want to die today
Not today
Today I woke up on time
to make it to class
Today I baked a cake
Licked the icing off my finger tips
I have to go see someone. This is a visit that will not be fun. A result of battles never won. I have to go see someone.
Im too far into my own feelings to see how ridiculous I'm being.
Im too selfish and angry to be happy for another person
I'm too hurt and still mourning over the death of us, because you don't care to learn what makes me ME
To the woman who gave me life,
Im sorry.
To the woman who sat in the emergency room while I had my stomach pumped,
I'm sorry.
To the woman who had to visit ward after ward, year after year,
Im sorry.
Beat down... stayed posted up to the crowd
As if I had an opportunity to make it this round
This boxing match between myself, my confidence on the ground
A couple hits to my side and I can't get around
You said I wouldn't last. You told me I didn't understand.
You appeared to hate me. I was honestly scared.
You made judgements about me based on all the others who said they wanted to "help."
I trip into an endless empty.
The darkness’ welcoming hug gets a little tight,
Squeeze out my last breath.
Ravaging emotions run deep in my mind
Thoughtless trauma runs my life
Begging for some relief from the outside
Praying for a life of simplicity
Painted white on a canvas of skin,
Just noticeable through the sleeve,
A single tear in the human flesh,
With which I want to grieve.
It tells a story of bloodshed and tears,
My future has been planned for me,
and I must follow blindly.
Will I seize my freedom with force,
or walk the easy course?
It's easy to accept my fate,
but I'll carry the weight
The flower grows
In the soil.
It sprouts from the ground.
In swoops the farmer
To pluck it out.
It is a weed.
A picture with no shadows in itHas all too much to hide.Pompous, plushy, prickly colorsWherein no truth resides.
i descend in my seat, waiting for the lesson to begin
looking around, all I see is desert
a desert so dry and empty yet so full of people i may never see again
I lay at night with a cluster of feeling and thoughts in my head.I've spent thousands of nights alone wondering if there was an end
I've been high and I've been low, in look out for the so called light at the end of the tunnel
No one is coming to rescue us.
It’s a hard truth to trust.
Surely there must be a hero?
But there is none.
It is only us versus them.
my mind is an airplane
when is it going to land?
searching in the sky for life's biggest question
when is it going to end?
the cause of this is like
stars bursting in the night
impoding to escape from reality
stuck in a natural galaxy
When hope seems to be utterly lost
When failing becomes what happens most
When full of sorrow and perpetual pain
We come to infer that hope is main
So we manage to work extremely hard
When hope seems to be utterly lost
When failing becomes what happens most
When full of sorrow and perpetual pain
We come to infer that hope is main
So we manage to work extremely hard
this body
a gift from god
i cut it open
through the ribbons
through the paper
through the tape
one for the boy
burnt bridges led my way
they led the way to you
i could see their fire in your eyes
you came from another path
of ashes and pain
we came together
i take off my shirt,
turn my back to the mirror
and look at all of the scars-
taking a knife to my back
seems to be everyone’s favorite hobby,
i am sorry i let you
stain your hands
in my dark places
i am sorry i watched you
ignore the orange signs
“danger ahead”
every night i go to bed shaking
the tremors rip through my body
shaking hands, shaking hearts
i pull pillows to my chest
and i press down as hard as i can
full disclosure
i think about you more often
then i would like to
i think about you when i see little things
certain flowers remind me of your smile
he lies awake
all fucking night
until the stars disappear
from the black blue sky
damn he’s like
deathly high
i want to write about happy things
so i find myself thinking of your lips
i find myself hoping that tonight
i’ll finally get to kiss you-
at least in my dreams
you weren’t the one
and that pill is sharper
than the edge of the gold and black knife
you gave me over a year ago.
you weren’t the one
tell me who broke your heart
i am a master at stitching up wounds
a master at emotional first aid
let me heal you
with hopeful words and kept promises
I’m ripping my brain out
Piece by piece
Cutting it into little squares
I’ll serve you our memories
On a silver fucking tray
I’ll feed them to you,
they tell me “you don’t want to die”
after i tell them how badly
i want to die
no, i do want to die
i want to sleep myself
i can drown myself
in alcohol
it never really
helps at all
no matter how much shit
i inhale through my nose
I felt their eyes, piercing through me with gazes as sharp as knives.Drip.I listened to their sweet lies, releasing the bitter poison that they implanted into the depths of my throat.Drop.I saw the sudden bursts of raw emotion, introducing me to t
Seeing weary, sad,
hearing weepy, mad
touching wrinkled, old,
feeling present, bold.
Hoping I helped
in some small way
Make a difference in
someone's day.
A leech on my brain
you bellow in the background
and call out my name
You're the harbinger of tears
the continuous cycle of
unsolicited fears
Depression.
I'm trapped, I can't get out of bed, I don't have any motivation.
Why am I like this?
I never chose this, I just want to feel happy.
"Don't forget to take your meds" they all say.
Boxes piled high
Stacked so carefully
Yet so unsteadily
One touch and they tumble
The contents spill
I pick them up
Unhealthy state can't comprehend
I project
Can't put them away
Why
I wonder
As the sun warms my face
A quiet cold day
Where I feel a semblance of grace
Why
I wonder
Did he send me away?
Now it wasn't his fault
I knew that, anyway.
And he saw
The light in my eyes,
He saw I was trying,
I was holding on tight.
Once I felt freedom,
Now I feel too much.
do you have moments, where you can’t imagine a future?you’re lying there, staring at thesame wallssame ceilingssame wordswith nothing but the same feelings-empty and pale,
calm down
they say
you are fine
they say
Stop. Stop feeling this way
and you will be okay
but how?
How do I stop my brain
from spiraling out of control
My head likes to raise scary possibilities and questions,
Elaborate thoughts and vague suggestions.
Needs no cause, no prompting or reason,
They speed up so fast that there's no chance to ease them.
Its hard when your biggest enemy is your own reflection
Its hard when you hate yourself for craving protection
For someone to relieve you of the constant low
Someone to remove the fear of rejection
Your skin, Paler than a jug of farm fresh milk. Your lips, Dryer than a drought in Death Valley. Your nose, More crooked than Hillary Rodham Clinton. Your hair, Rougher than ‘98 Compton California. Your eyes, Deader than roadkill on I
I find when my head is filled with impenetrable dread,
And clouds of grey and deep blues hover above my head,
That what floats within my mind’s eye and what is seen ahead,
I find when my head is filled with impenetrable dread,
And clouds of grey and deep blues hover above my head,
That what floats within my mind’s eye and what is seen ahead,
I was a witch the day I succumbed to the fire.
The woman--a traitor, I thought at the time--tricked me into boarding the mysterious carriage;
Dear father who may have a beard of sword,
I wasn’t born to be different, or kind,
I wasn’t born to believe that I would have the life you never let me have made by the fire in my eyes.
Some days are nothing but black
Fighting a battle in endless fog
Seeing nothing, hearing only pitiful static
Some days are nothing but black
Nights bring emptiness, fading wordlessly to fog
In my dreams I am an eagle-
I soar through the sky
My wing’s edges catch the cloud’s edges
Water collects on my feathers
And the world stares up
What have I learned
from my mental illnesses? I
have learned that there are people
Beauty is
The freckles forming constellations
On our bodies
Thus proving
We come from the stars
Beauty is
I was walking
Then a bird from the gardens whispered a sin that has been kept a secret deep down
Somewhere to be profound
Today I’m talking about the experience of growing
It’s hard. Learning to evolve. Learning to be strong
But I am vital. I am loved. And today, I am glowing.
The raised back of retracted scribbles
On any worn out page,
reminds me of my old scars-
Embarrasing and unerased.
She has a smile even the stars can’t outshine
But if you look in her eyes, she’s breaking inside
She walk around with confidence, her chin always up
How is college?
She asks, I laugh
I quit
Her eyebrows
Drawn together, concerned
Are you eating?
I sip my black coffee
Chew my lip
The skin of which
Memories created are stored in the colors of sky and sea,
grass and kitchen counter.
Feelings of music and pain are stored in the apple-scented air and sweet breeze of the place I used to be.
On a night where the stars greet thousands of miles just to lift your head
and the earth shifts to meet the steady shuffle of feet with her soft grass bed,
Buck teeth and bright eyes
I was eight years old,
I spent my days out on the playground
all alone in the cold
right by the fence where I would watch traffic behind the monkey bars
All of the thoughts in my head act as fog,
clarity becoming unknown to me.
Anxiety grasps its slimy fingers around my neck
whispering (lies) to me.
I'm hopeless. Helpless. Alone.
Housekeeping
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with closets.
On one hand it’s been a safe spot wasn’t it?
A haven to escape to when I was afraid,
Tell me why my grip on my purpose always slips. Sometimes it gets too much and I don't know how to handle it.
Once upon a time
There was a girl and
When left alone in her head
She found a knife.
Once upon a time
a girl with a knife cut
patterns into her arms
Because as the blood ran
The fact that I have hands
Alarms me.
Large rounded fingertips turn
into broad soft fingers which
blends into soft palm.
1, 2, 3 All Eyes On Me: is what our teacher used to say, to keep the childrens eyes on her any time off the day, are adolescent minds are so easy to sway, so here we are and here we must stay.
My anxiety comes
with its own background music;
DUN DUN DUN.
It marks itself present
with bitten nails and
peeled skin around it.
And that's when my
nightmares begin.
this is an ocean i am not prepared for
i am trying to hang on
grasping at things and people
that float by but
they grab back at me
driving me deeper into the murky waters
where i do not want to go.
being unable to disagree,because you're a bad person if you do
missing the person you love,even though they just went to bed
mood shifts without warning,all because someone said something wrong
How messed up is it that we live in a world
Where blue is for boys and pink is for girls
Where it’s better for men to have a gun than a doll
there are always those songs,that you listen to when you’re sad,because they sum up how you feel entirely
it feels like they wrote it for you,about your existence
My face, is just a face,
You can’t say you know me
after just one glimpse.
My face, is just a face,
The smile I wear
This thing, it bothers me
shakes my entire being
it is neverending
poison
I have absolutely no idea how to deal with it
it breathes inside of me
tears away all rational thought
“Take a look in the mirror,
What do you see?”
I look and my mind whispers,
‘Athlete?”
But I’m just a bit too soft,
I am here!
Or am I not?
I remember the first time I attempted
The girls up front went on
To me they made it seem like a joke
You fucked up
You know that you did
We'll ruin you for it
Shit, we already did
We want nothing to do with you
Nothing, we're through with you
Press you down
And run you along.
Your pointed sharp end,
Draws a line on my skin.
Dull pain leaves,
Revealing only a faint,
Raised pink line.
Not enough,
Not what I wanted.
Have you ever been so scared that you looked deep into your past and saw the things which couldn’t last as reality slips your grasp.
I tried to be hopeful
I looked to the bright side but what do you do when the light looks right back at you with disgust?
I have to keep going I shouldn't give up but wait---
Where did everybody go?
I feel addiction grasping me,
It has been for years,
Always in different forms.
I cannot handle that.
I want to die,
Not to leave,
Alone, suffering,
Our hero's minds left to rot,
Mental health: forgot.
It was upon those rocky shores
On top of the craggy rock
Overlooking the tumultuous shore
Of water rushing onto the sand
And swiping at the blood there
My name, Thanatos, resides on all their minds.
Death personified right into its living and breathing form, finds itself in a graveyard as a gravedigger, greatly confined.
home
a house
separated by nature
walls on all sides
no sidewalks no neighborhood
kids
no one to hear you yell
I can finally say
That I am smiling like an idiotic,
Idiot at a screen.
My electronics finally know my happiness;
And it's shining through,
Straight though their body.
The droning of the engine reverberatesDawn draws to a close and eyes dilateAs the stop and go cycle but replicates
My train is always speeding; thundering down the track at full speed.
It heads nowhere in particular.
Whenever it stops to unload a thousand passengers, a thousand more board.
Most are unwelcome.
Hot water deeper than the length of my hand.
Three false candles illuminate the darkness.
Like a dealer with cards Pandora shuffles.
Who is this beauty I see in the darkness?
She is my reflection but calls me a different name.
My lost eyes hold a desperate call for help,
The moon is my soul
The darkness is my comfort
Oh how greatly I hate the winter days
So long, and cold, and void of all ardor
It makes me feel so numb, so very dazed
My feelings in disarray and disorder
Have you ever wondered
Where all that it's rained?
All at the same time
And how many people that's pained?
Flood gates open
Right over the heads
Today was like every other day
It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary
I fear these feelings will never end
I’ll always feel so dark feel so hopeless
Therein, residing in my mind, is a monster so evil, dark and unkind. Thoughts racing, telling me that I’m hideous. Yelling and screaming to rip off my face; because I look ridiculous.
Why does it feel like this? I fee like time is moving forward so fast and I’m barely keeping up. Going through the motions, day by day, week by week. Monday mornings to Sunday nights, seven days full of struggles.
Healing
you can make progress
it will take time
much like this rhyme
it will be much like riding a bike
at first it will be hard
you will think your not going very far
Do you remember that time at that place with those people? How could I forget? Omg that was the best! I totally miss it! Remember that time that you were crying in the bathroom and I pretended I didn’t hear you? Oh yeah!
Birds sing and children sing. Time passes by, as I wait here to die. This mortal flesh turns to dust. Enjoy life we must. But how can I? When I wish to end this suffering. All this pain that goes unseen. Laying beneath the stary sky.
Pull me into your depths.
I feel your cold hands reaching around my neck.
I can’t wait to go.
I need to go
I’ve had enough of this tired fucking world.
Dear Diary,
It’s around 10 o’clock
The night is cold
And the moon is standing out, oh so bold
I live in a world where everybody lies
I live in a world where if you do anything you get despised
I live in a world where I do everything alone
And I've made it this far so look how fast I've grown
When I was 2 my sister was born and I was no longer a baby.
When I was 4 my brother was born and by then I could change a diaper.
At 8 people always said how mature and grown up I was, what a help, a second set of hands.
What am I doing here?
Where am I?
Who am I ?
Looking at a pair of eyes in where they stare back at me in the mirror
The look she gives me
She daunts me with her smile
is looking down
at the stupid cute eyes of a kid
wide with admiration and knowing
that you have to live up to the
cool big kid you are in their eyes.
Growing up
summer - fall
the sand sifted through crevices in my toes
while the soft breeze lifted my salty hair
the symphony in my head played while my golden fingers whispered and swam
-through the air outside my car window
all i feel are blue emotions
in my head everything's a commotion
where everything is in high speed motion
and i'm trapped in my being
every piece of me crippling
I can’t stand these dreams anymore.
First, they started as simple nightmares.
Now they control my days and my nights.
I’m exhausted all while awake, but then dread falling asleep knowing ill be restless and tortured again.
My depression is like a sweater.
Sometimes too big of my problems.
But sometimes too tight, where
I find myself grasping for air.
No one else can wear it,
even if they ask to borrow it.
There are times I wish it would always be the middle of the night.
Everything is calm, still and you can hear everything beyond your door if you listen well.
growing up
the antonym of easythe symptoms hit meand everything changed
I am still the samebut in some ways I amdifferent
it started when i was little.
no one believes me,
but
i remember.
i remember
the first moment i wasn't able to breathe,
the first time i thought about death,
Days grow longer, nights colder;
Everything seems to change. Yet, there’s still me-
I’m unchanging.
Same face, same clothes, same friends, same creation.
Days grow longer, nights colder;
Everything seems to change. Yet, there’s still me-
I’m unchanging.
Same face, same clothes, same friends, same creation.
I try to spend the night with someone new
I’m on a repeat, always with you
All of the flames, yours
Is the guilt required when I’m out of all doors
I can feel your presence in my fingers
All I want to do is be quite,A place in nowhere where I want to hide.Let it be rainy, the weather is calmLet this place be the one where others can come.
Me, Myself and I.
Everyday, I wake and try
One step at a time.
Everyday, I wake and cry
One time, I was small
And carefree, lovely, and kind
I was just...
Me, Myself and I.
***Trigger Warning***
“Boys will be boys”
“Let bygones be bygones”
“Forget about it”
“Get over it.”
She doesn’t know how it feels
to awake every morning,
and wonder why she had even awoken.
She doesn’t know how it feels
to pick up all her scattered pieces
Depression is a black cloud
That hangs over my head
And follows me everywhere
I’ve tried to run
I’ve tried to self medicate
I’ve tried talking it out
I’ve tried crying till my tears dry up
I just want to be left alone
To wallow in my own misery of self-hatred
I don’t want others to feel my pain
Or my negative talk and actions
I just want to go to bed
And stay there with the door closed
Talk to me about depression
And what it feels like to be lost and hopeless
Where loneliness exceeds all expectations
Where darkness is smelled and tasted and felt
Around you like a very wet heavy blanket
You would think after dating someone for a whole year that you would know what to get them for your one year anniversary.
365 days of talking almost every day and I still sometimes forget the simple things
from helping hands,
and kind hearts,
came a cautious question:
what happened to you?
but how could i explain
the assault on my brain?
dying
eyes stare vacant
Balance
I go to the city to gain the knowledge and grab the tools.
I deepen my practice and learn the rules.
In the city is where the people are.
Where the jobs are,
The Journey
Sometimes life feels so hard and heavy
Maybe even sad.
It happens...
Maybe you take a drive to the top of a
mountain -
and get out and breathe in the air that
I remember picking dandelions as a kid
gathering a bouquet to bring to my teacher or mom
the innocence behind it
I didn't know that these beautiful flowers were actually
I used to look in the mirror
and I used to see something gross
and stupid
I used to ignore my friends and family
because I thought I wasn't worth their time
I used to give up
“Hello old friend”
I say with a grin on my face
As I stare away blankly towards space.
It’s been a while since we first met.
Crying, crying, crying.
Looking straight at the barren white wall.
My roommate was nowhere to be found,
So I knew I could let it all out.
But why, why, why
Was I crying so damn much?
There’s something in the water
Just below the surface
Every time I look away it glimmers.
A gentle splash
Lapping of water on the hull of my leaky boat.
Mission Control cannot be reached.
and unfortunately there has been a breach
out into the atmosphere goes my Mind
Hopefully it will not be hard to find
As we grow
As we change
The years blend into one
And we add a number to our age.
When we were once young
We reached for bright colors
Our style has dulled
Now we reach for each other
I see Brian's head cracking against the concrete and his chest halt, his brawny frame taking its last breath on the asphalt. I see the boy whose name I cannot rip from my lips with a gun to his head, and the trigger he grips paints the wall red.
Memory erasing
Mindlessly awaking
Walking through a dream I'm making
Slap me in the face
Untie me where it chafes
Release me from this dream
I want to be awake
Take me from my home
Self Love, Set me free, Set me free of the person I used to be
Mental abuse can alter your mind to think the worse of you, but you are POWERFUL, its true
Nobody can be a better you than, you
Each time that my mind was finally ready to end it all,
I stood on the end of a bridge, ready to jump.
It always seemed like it would be quick and cheap.
The pain would end before I had a chance to even register it.
Becoming
“Wow, you never ask for help
You’re mature beyond your years”
under all that calmness
My body’s full of tears
My outside appearance shows nothing of me.
I am not what you see,
for I am not even human.
I am a soul
trapped inside this body,
screaming for help.
I'm constantly being attacked
Punch, punch, punch.
Make it a very deep hue,
This is something you need to go through.
Cut, cut, cut.
Maybe you should just try to let them in Try to let them see that you're hurting, that you're hurt by his words. He damaged her beyond repair yet here she is... brOKen. I'm okay she says, I'm fine seriously.
I’m having conversations with myself
That I’m too scared to say out loud to others
Afraid of sounding desperate for attention
I’ve learned my lesson from playing with fire
It's been too long since I wrote an actual poem.
Phrases, lyrics, verses, whatever they're called, they just don't
come to me like they use to anymore.
Burdens, mistakes, curses, whatever my excuse is,
you must do
what you need to do
to be authentic.
the discovery of your true self includes
connecting the dots
it means digging deep into the archives of childhood,
A Cat and a Change
Constant scrutiny and miscommunication.
The silent critic made life unbearable.
Home was ripped away again,
Puzzle Pieces
The connection here is lost, unruly and static.
Trying desperately to make it work,
like putting puzzle pieces
in the wrong place.
Weeping
Small watery beads fall
like tiny diamonds.
Glittering as the sunlight
sprouts from their surfaces
in prismatic tints.
Constantly surrounded by weeds
weeds of doubt and depression
they slowly consumed my nourishment
for them to win is for me to lose
My life
Growing up can be tough
It can also be carefree
Though my best friend had it rough
And growing up happened early on for me
She tried to end it all
Then she spent some time away
And I ask myself every time, why I keep running back to you Countless times, although you've given me nothing Why I turn back To stare at you in the rearview mirror of my mind
A broken soldier in the quiet night
dying to take back the light
head high in a losing fight
to hide from those who know
with each swing, a child died
not just his, but the one inside
I’m so..sad
All my life I’ve never been satisfied
With me
Abuse and control seizing my quiet soul
I couldn’t let go
Rest ripped from me
I fought fathers for a lifetime
today was pretty easay, but today is not tonight. at night is when it can get hard. last nigt and the night before... oh boy the night before last. my thoughts were the darkest that i think they've ever been.
Unborn and already
A path has been chosen
By those that are not them -
To become another cog
In the inescapable machine that is society.
If you’re like me,
You can’t count your dreams on one hand,
Always lost in something,
But never settling for anything
Or leaping at any one demand.
what they do not tell you about being in the hospital is the waiting
waiting in your room
waiting at the tables
waiting in group for people to finish describing the colors of the monsters that are devouring their soul
I see you smile.
And I smile back.
We all laugh at the same dumb joke,
A feeling I had forgotten.
It almost wasn’t recognizable.
Life is shit; Life ain’t fair
I don’t even fucking care
Grab a drink; pop a pill
Pray to god that this will kill
Heart Is beating; trouble breathing
I am sweating and I’m freezing
I thought you were doing fine, I didn’t know what was wrong,
I thought you'd push through it, that you were invincibly strong,
As a friend I should have supported you, helped you along the way,
16, Afraid of what might happen.Like the crew of a ship whose captainHas never sailed beforeTo unfamiliar shore.
It was fleeting,
Never around.
I searched,
Lost, not to be found.
Map in hand,
Advice in mind.
I tried it all,
I saw the world through disoriented shades,
followed along with everyones schemes.
The world felt like a playgroud,
saw the moon and sun unite in my dreams.
Once I removed my rose-colored glasses,
I saw the world through disoriented shades,
followed along with everyones schemes.
The world felt like a playgroud,
saw the moon and sun unite in my dreams.
Once I removed my rose-colored glasses,
i've done it.
okay?
i've done a lot.
i've laughed till i peed myself,
cried until my throat was sore,
figured myself out so i wouldn't have to
Examining her surroundings,
as if they are a creation on a screen.
It’s a lively scene
but the music and talking is dulled,
like she’s caged by an unseen barrier.
Cast in the role of spectator,
There are so many things I find I'm forced to remember.
Sloppy drawings of sleepy Buddha in the back of a rotting notebook.
Cake crossing my eager ears, as I jam my hip beneath the stair-rail,
Sweep to the center of the room,
My brain, the state I live in,
All the junk; collect it in a pile,
And sweep it out the front door.
I'm a grown-up now.
And I do grown-up things.
Like pay my taxes, cry at night,
And wear engagement rings.
And I'm a grown-up now.
So I only watch the news,
I drown unfamiliar feelings,
A split second is all it takes,
for everything to change whilst everything stays the same.
The surroundings have remained constant
but the perception has glitched.
I’m a fighter, not a lover.
Love is unknown, because all I ever known was violence.
I lost love and he rests, six feet under.
Don’t know where this road goes
But I know we’re growing apart
Day by day
I fell asleep with two sheets below me
And I woke cold
Don’t stop rubbing that thumbtack on my arm
They watch me
Like predators hunting prey
They approach me
In an intimidating way
They scare me
With the meaningless words that they say.
I've been waitin'
I've been prayin'
I've been playin' the same old song for
So long
All this livin'
I've been missin'
I've been listenin' to the same old song for
So long
look around and ask yourself,Is the person next to me sad?Could they be experiencing something negative?I’m so tired of the taboo around not feeling happy,I’m tired of only seeing people nod or sigh,
I’m not supposed to write this poem
It’s embarrassing - on many levels, for many people
It feels increasingly difficult to remember our centre.The part that should dictate our lives more than our brain,The part that is one of the easiest to lose sight of,
Waxy lips,
Purple ‘n thick
Rear view,
A devious kick
Sing-song giggles,
A soft purse
Stomach churning,
A biological curse
“How do I look baby?”
“Pretty mom,” I say
When I see xy+5 = y
I see college algebra
I know it's easy
But my head spins round and round
I feel like I'll pass out and probably die
From graphs to quadratics
This is an ode to the boys who have hurt me.
I will not talk about the ones who came before the ninth grade,
How do you write something happy
that's also good?
My efforts always seem to fall short
when I attempt to write
about how the sun feels
on my skin,
because that skin contains scars
My mind is a desert,
dry and barren.
Any chance of hope in simply a mirage.
My mind is an ocean,
calm on the surface but crashing waves in the deep end.
My feelings drifting away and drowning.
Jack of all trades, yet
master of none
Is it better to have multiple people?
more places to go but nowhere to reside
As I wake up,I sift through myself
I’m not really sure how to start here
So I guess I’ll start with something like
Hi
My name is Jaime
I’m not really sure how to start here
So I guess I’ll start with something like
Hi
My name is Jaime
By myself, I am so calm,
But, in a group
Hot sweat lingers on my palms.
My heart begins to pound,
I begin breathing shorter and faster
I feel the anxiety all around.
There’s no lost and found at my school.
Not one that works, not in any school that I’ve been
All the lost items go straight in the bin
I am high and low
I wonder who I really am
I hear myself saying I’m alright
I see a struggle I don’t know if i can pass
I want for my friends not to have to worry
I gazed at the ocean, just to see your face.
Shift the tides with a smile, the definition of grace,
Do even you know what's behind the mask you where?
Or are you a victim of your own existential dispair?
Hands raised in a manilla classroom
Walls plain, littered with 20th-century posters
Faces unamused, drifting into unconsciousness
In an insane mans dreams
His problems seem to run away
but when its time to start a new day
THEY come to haunt him again
Say hello to your demons
Many times he'd be doing fine
Our world, separated by darkness and light,
Roughly advances, more difficult to fight;
People will struggle in order to thrive,
Though many just struggle to stay alive;
Shift from high to focus burnhard hat throbs with inner firetoo tight, splits, fallscooling shardsshut down.
Regain focus, part hair on rightEngageEngageFuel exhaustedshut down.
The door is unhinged—
It does not open well.
And when it does, I cannot close it again.
The door is unhinged—
It does not open well.
And when it does, I cannot close it again.
Parted Lips
a-POP-olypse
The seats of the minivan burst into flame
as rabid fragments of monster carrots
feed Death while he
i’m still searching far and wide
for someone who has always been beside me
you are here
but i don’t know your face yet
I can't watch the sunsetbecause it hurts my chest
but I like the way the waves crash against the shoredragging it back down with the tide
A bird with a broken wing
Its memory of greatness;
A stretched canvas of warm embrace
Air cut by swift blades of persistence
Unobtainable freedom by many,
While the few idolize their grasp of identity:
Relentless driving to another break
Each rest stop another wreck at stake
Driven to the gates
Where the lights shown luminiously
Road to all fates
Take away everything painlessly
What looms beyond the trees—a monster black.
I see his visage clear, and hear its moan.
I wait to feel the claws upon my back,
Then wrap around my neck intent to choke.
Through these perilous roads
Under the cover
Of the night sky
Glaring forces
Spring from the darkness
And with pain at the temples
One for airplanes, heights, ladders, and jumping headfirst into lakes.
Two for condescending,menacing, phony, fakes.
Three for waiters, teenagers, blondes and the elderly.
made of paper
folded by an illusion
paper boy breathed but was not alive
mended with confusion
with insomnia until five
not sure why or how he got there
nor when or where he'd gone
If only life was as easy to handle as a pile of laundry.
It builds up and up, but a quick load or two will shrink it back down.
And then all that is left is the warm smell of lavender soap and an empty basket.
Now that I've said it
It doesn't seem so wrong.
What was so hard to say out loud
Kept me from being strong.
So key to me
That now I see
I think, I can move on.
"Where are you?"
I wonder, while you are right beside me.
My question echoes like the loneliest of cries
and yet, it really is quite the contrary.
Fear.
A giant wall built faster than it can be dissolved.
For every positive thought there seems to be ten fearful ones to drown it out.
At times it seems easier to fight fear with others by your side.
The dwindling down of supper.
Lead me to believe malnutrition was the cause.
I drank more water.
Forgot my pills.
Consumed myself with my work.
I'm jealous of butterflies,
They fly and fly and fly,
Away from their problems and fears,
They're free and free and free,
I'm jealous of butterflies,
Everyone stares in awe,
I can’t tell if I’m really trying anymore
I feel like every inch of my brain is just sore
Or maybe it’s my heart that lacks motivation
He just seems to be there in every situation
From all the chaos outside..
I seek peace inside..
For all the judgement mongers..
I leave you there and here I slumber..
For all the negativity around..
I put on a positive sound..
No matter how mountain-high the difficulties appear to be,
they are all terrible but delusions...
Crush your fear and it banishes...
Face your fear and it vanishes...
For the fear of words I have..let me write...
For the never dying will power within me...let me write...
You can't tie me down with your narcissism...
My mind is wide open..and I am up after all cataclysm...
You said things which I never heard before...
You took me to a place, I never visited in my life...
You left me in a state, which I never thought existed...
and then you moved on...
I tried to shut the door...
Atlas shakes
Beneath the weight
Of expectations
Far too great
He can not falter
He can not fail
His friends depend on him
He must be there
one) a boy who speaks with a thick accent. always gets up in the middle of group sessions to ‘use the bathroom’.
Rest your head upon my fragile shoulder,
Let my bones be your tired pillars.
Craving death, it's nothing new
You always tell me of your ache to bleed
Your soul has been starved
The hold that you had found in my veins,
was not found without warning.
It was preceded by a feeling
That weighed heavy in my chest.
Old habits die hard,
Robert Frost and dying stars,
Those are the things that made me.
Cherry blossoms now in bloom begin wilting on the stem.
for so long
i was torn between
faces & places
and not being able to choose
what to do or where to go that
would please others [please me]
i wanted this and i wanted that
When I was little,
I used to be afraid of
the dark.
I was afraid of all kinds of things:
spiders,
vampires,
snakes, and
The first thing my mother did,
when a boy broke my heart,
was open the windows.
She said that
letting in the air, and
erasing his smell
Am I good enough?
Yes of course,
But oh would short hair look so good on you.
Your clothes are nice,
But you should totally wear blue more often.
Dear Moonlight,
The way you glow through the blinds in the night.
It makes me feel like you waited for me.
Kissing my forehead to help me go to sleep in my bed.
Making me yawn and rub my tired eyes.
I'm´ drownin´ in my head, I just can't stop thinking,Maybe soon this heart will stop, so the thoughts will too.You're mind is scarred
I lie awake thinking
While staring at my ceiling
About so many things
To name a few: my day
Tomorrow
The paint chip on
The wall
In times past the ground grew nothing
barren dark soil uneven beneath shoe soles
not a cloud seen through hopeless eyes
the fear of being burned
without a shield from scorching rays,
The mask hides the lows, it stands tall and strong,
It won’t reveal its true colours, if something is wrong.
Everything is great, don’t worry about me,
Life is fantastic, that’s all you will see.
Here I sit alone with my thoughts
My mind going round and round
It feels like my body’s bound with these thoughts that really tie me down
I sit and I watch as life goes by and look at my own with a frown
lying down in the bath makes the water
slop over the side of the tub
and spill onto the carpet
I close my eyes regardless,
the tip of my nose just
I love the teachers that teach,
The teachers that write in scrawling letters that
Dance around the whiteboard with colors clashing.
She was the moon.
I yearned to hold her.
My fingertips stopped just before reaching the cold wet surface.
Tears filled my eyes for I could only see her reflection.
Never again could I feel her cool embrace.
Think about it too much?
or not enough?
Will I ever believe in trust?
believe in me, and my own skin?
or will I fight, against my kin?
Anger is my Fault.
Sadness is my Fault.
Emotions are my Fault.
Everything I lack is my Fault.
How one bad day,
Can spread,
Anger is my Fault.
Sadness is my Fault.
Emotions are my Fault.
Everything I lack is my Fault.
How one bad day,
Can spread,
I.
Every emotions we have has its colors
Others were basically there to brighten
Like happiness, always there to enlighten
Let’s be blunt,
Suddenly all the lights seem too bright for me and
I can feel the sting of how the artificial lights burn
Burning a hole into the crack den of
Press start to begin
Fighter thrown into battle
Decked out in armor
It is just a game
It’s a game you want to win
Excited, you run
i miss having someone to talk to.
you make me feel like a poem.
it’s subtle, sharp around the edges,
but only because it keeps me safe.
Well if you want honesty then you better brace yourself
Because I’m going to be real here
Depression is a real thing
And it’s time we have a talk about the fact that
Wanting to turn your life around,
yet wanting to die.
Wanting people to think you're strong,
but constantly wanting to cry.
Wanting to succeed,
but not having the ability to try.
Riots,
Screaming,
Everyone wants to be heard,
Only few get through.
We're beginning to learn
The importance of these topics;
Mental health,
Suicide,
The words you say matter.
When you live with anxiety for so long it almost becomes a routine in your head.
Like a clock ticking in the background as you try go along with your day ignoring the thoughts that still exist in your head.
I am an activist because women have no say, because kids think abuse is normal, because suicide is a game; a twisted version of a competition where killing yourself is a form of entertainment.
I don't think i need a partner necessarily to be happy- i think if anything i need more self love.
I never knew how to count before youThe day I met you you told me I didn't need to listen
Everytime I see someone since my uncle’s been gone, they tell me how different I look
How I cut my hair short
How my acne cleared up
How my lips aren’t chapped anymore
Dear Anxiety,
You are my closet friend, the one I've come to know.
You have demanded control over me and my life, the makings of the walls inside my mind.
I have depression
I’m not made of porcelain
I am strong and beautiful
And I have a say in my life
I’m not a porcelain doll
My heart is racing, I don't know why it keeps beating really fast.
Each day I wake up, putting on this mask.
I get afraid to do certain things, very easy, simple tasks.
If today I die purposefully,
just know it wasn’t me.
All these voices in my head,
they keep me up.
At night I barely sleep.
Black Birds
As she flicked the rubber against her wrist
her eyes linger into nature’s abyss
undressing the land with her eyes
I'm not right in my mind
I'm really out of my mind
Thinking some crazy thoughts
Some about suicide
I don't know what to think
Much Less what to say
So I keep to myself
You’re not a person.
You’re not a someone or a something.
You’re the home I live in.
You’re the hope that I have,when I’m on my knees.
It's okay to have a bad day
It's okay to have a bad day after months without incident
It doesn't mean all of your hard work was for nothing
It's okay to have another day
Where the floor is lava
Inhale.
My hands shake, my head aches, my chest heaves.
Panic, fear, doubts are all I hear.
It’s a silent but seen demon that creeps, and steals and ruins.
relentless searching
eye wide, hoping
who am i?
i'm searching for the undiscovered
eyes covered by blind
blinds filled with lies
my cries,
can no longer be heard.
My mentor is the weighty, wheezing breath at the top of a steep hill
on days when I already know I’m late for first period.
It's the carbon dioxide my lungs won’t let out
in a sharpie-smeared bathroom stall
The person I hate, someone I blame: myself.
Devoid of meaning or direction. Moving in circles
Blindly searching for the destination. I’m a bookshelf
Without books. Incomplete. Lonely.
My body is a battlegroundAnd I a scavengerI gauge my skin With hawk's eyeI scan it for imperfections-Scars,Freckles,Pimples,Pockmarks,And then I prey.Usually after a long warm bath
Take another.
How much harm can it do,
really?
Drink me down like water.
Skip the slow sips,
guzzle down the burn like
setting fire to your chest.
Everyone's an addict.
The Demons Before the Dawn: an ode to Chester Bennington
The weight of the world drags on
into discomforting space
when you just yearned for the first light of dawn.
The rich kid the rich kid cries too'cause no matter how much gold you mineyou'll never be able to buy peace of mindno matter how bright the diamond shinesif your smile is dull, happy stays behind the rich kid can be acquinted with depression tooha
I know it's not right,
Know it's not fair,
Make a decision,
Don't seem to wear.
Consider myself a good soul,
Liked by all,
Friendships a many,
Often the last to call.
The mirror cries long tears to the bus station
Her feet draw their mottled shapes on the
Pavement
It is wet and cold.
In my mouth, there lies elegant blood
The happy starts to fade,
my hands they begin to shake
my eyes fill with tears and i am running away
my breath starts to catch and i am searchng for a hiding place
Being the oldest,
Of all three,
You took charge,
Immediately.
Care,
Material Support,
Yet not,
Emotional Legacy.
Tells me,
You are suffering,
Despair,
Starting out full of love,
Alert & playful,
Sometimes lonely too,
A dark cloud on the horizon.
It start so early,
Difficult to tell,
When the madness began,
Wake up in a tearful mess,
Locus of control, upside down,
Minds a racing,
Head trumping to the sound of despair.
Fighting to grip reality,
White knuckle ride,
Pure insanity,
I could feel myself fading away
As I bit into the piece of cake
All because I was not strong enough to say no
I debated and contemplated until my stomach had the last word
"Just eat the damn cake" it said
Awaken she
A newness of heart
A rebirth of the mind
Quietly she embraced
The day as the night
slipped away
I'm not sure, I can take much more,
Living my life I'm not,
Things started out oh so promising,
Then I began to rot.
Tiredness and doubt fill my mind,
Even when there is so much to do.
It pounds against the confines of my head
Throbbing, pulsing from within
Flooding my skull with blinding pressure,
It seeks release
You don’t need to stare -one, two, three, four- at me like I’m some sort of science experiment. A freak of nature, just as amazing and depressing as a third-grade paper-mache volcano, spewing numbers and tics like baking soda and vinegar.
At first the illusion is good and proper, promises a many,
it is hard not to faulter.
Time ticks by and the terms comes through, wow this is expensive,
but we will make a lot of money too.
Screaming, fighting, sacred food was the symbol of the 1980's.
The weekly baths, always a storm, I went last,
only to find the water had gone luke warm.
Dadday gone working in the mine, factory, or some other shit pit
A thousand eyelids fluttering in the dim light
Millions of whispers piled deep into my head
Walking around all day, feeling like shit. The night before was
difficult, whilst laying on my pit.
I lie down at night, feeling totally spent. An hour or two quickly
passes by and then wide awake again.
I can't work out why it didn't work today, yesterday, or the year
before.
Try as I might to make things happen exhaustion often intervenes.
Many an idea come my way, buildings, new business, space, and
Will this madness ever subside,
Really am not so sure.
Many a times I've tried to relax,
Only to whack the living room door.
Really need to get some sleep,
What is it I need to do?
You brought me into the world,
So gracefully,
You told me you were actually supping soup,
Happily.
The connection I had with you,
Very closely,
So safe I felt,
Much security.
Screeching and yellingLaughing and tauntingIn my head,It's loud and noisyScatter thoughtsAnd tear stai
It feels like I'm falling,
Down.
It seems like I'm running,
Out.
I think I'm dying,
Inside.
My mind,
It thinks,
It speaks,
and I believe.
I wish it would go.
I am a pestering weed of ugliness
The one that annoys you
By breaking up your pristine landscape
You pluck me before I am fully grown
Stubbornly, I return
Again, you pluck me from the earth
I have been in the bowels of hell,
Witnessed the Devil’s breath
And seen the Grace of Angels.
Lost in a dream of who I used to be
Shuddering to think of what they see
Adrift in the ocean drowning in shame
As waves of sorrow silence my name
My soul weathered by the guilty air
Cold, dark, pale days.Fallings leaves and rainy fall.Dry and snowy winter.
I sat in my cold room crying on my bed,on my floor,in my bathroom,and everywhere else.
my grandmother says I’m lazy,
yet I am fully aware of the tasks
that are meant to be done before me.
I am fully aware of the miles of debris left behind my trail.
Recovery isn’t linear, it’s a process. Recovery is taking a stumble and realizing, in that moment when you briefly look back, that you’ve made some progress before you fell.
this room of stained carpet, of watermarked cherry dressers, and of desks cluttered with pens and notes of well-wishes is my suicide draft
why do I feel the way I feel
why do I want to hurt myself
why do I feel that I’d be better dead
why do they hate me
why won’t they accept that I’m human
to the girl who clutches attention
like a boa constrictor claims its next meal
you do not get to tell me how to feel
you do not get to tell me I am not valid
dear belly,
i see you
even though i don't want to see you
i know you're there
and i'm so thankful for you
on most days
you are visible
and i see you
without you
by Ariel Douglas (27 October 2016)
What do you see?
My smile? My fidgeting?
What do you hear?
My chatter? My rambling?
What do you feel?
Pain
I trip and fall.
I feel pain.
A crush tells me that he does not like me the same.
I feel pain.
I get bullied and ostracized on the bus.
I feel pain.
Can you take my crazy?
Can you understand the voices that can't help but put me down?
Shun me from my self, turn my smile to a frown
You call it disorder, I call it a hoarder
Keeping so much of what it doesn't need
Four months ago
From the beginning you were mine
I was yours
It was perfect
We were perfect
You were perfect
Worried is an understatement;
I long for stability, mentally and physically.
Each step brings forth many discomforts,
Some big and some small,
But all valid.
My mind is wandering,
I am here, I am alive
These words I chant in my head,
A mantra, a banner,
As I lay down to bed.
I am here, I swear,
I am not the ghost I appear,
I am alive I say,
And I don't want to fade away.
It’s because I love the orange tint
And hand painted clouds
Dipped in neon pinks and yellows
His mood was short
The transient feeling was impermanent
But it became plentiful and copious
He was now fragile and tenuous
the uncertainty of this precariousness
My Brother has that look
Casket pretty shine
The glow of soil piled high
Hue of brown that makes him feel;
He belongs there
I was the shattered glass laying on the floor,
until you swept me up and built me into something more.
I was a hole in the knee of your favorite blue jeans,
and you stitched me up along the seams.
I was the shattered glass laying on the floor,
until you swept me up and built me into something more.
I was a hole in the knee of your favorite blue jeans,
and you stitched me up along the seams.
i feel like all i am is smudged eyeliner and 99/100’s
steamed mirrors and the smell of stale,
unwashed laundry are the things people associate with me
Poems incarnate the abstract,
putting in place our deepest thoughts
No need to retract;
We can then take shots
at the thoughts that make us rot.
Small words taught me to sympathize
with strangers and their inner tides.
For the first time in a while… I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
I don't mean that figuratively.
I don't mean I just want to pass away peacefully during the night... although I have thought about it.
You used to be my comforter,
Now you are my tormentor.
You used to be my guardian,
Now you are my warden.
You used to be my protector,
Now all you do is hover.
I was raised to keep my issues bottled
I live with a family where communication is a problem
Introverted pacifist, avoiding all confrontation
When I try to speak, I stutter, failing all articulation
he asks me, “what has poetry taught
you?
why is it so important?”
i ponder the question for a moment and
think about the women who
came before me,
the poets who have inspired my
I remember the day
And the shame that followed
When I asked for help
And my fear I swallowed
They asked me questions
How long I'd felt this way
How my life was at home
If I felt I'd lost my way
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
I’ve been writing this poem for a month,
I don’t know how to tell you what
This has done for me without also sounding
Out of breath,
But last week,
I wrote 3 poems and not one of them
My heart is heavy.
It is a bomb planted inside me,
Ready to explode within the walls of my chest.
My chest is tight.
My lungs fail me.
I always seem to findmyself here. These cement blocks,jutting out of the dirt likemoss-covered stepping stones.They lead the way and beckon me witha brittle finger. But you are nothere.
i know wandering and weeping poetswith hardened eyes but gentle souls,and i know happy poets who tookthe world and gave it a heart, somebroken poets who healed up well,some who don't want me to write
Often, it feels like I speak into a void
People come and go because they get annoyed
Poetry focuses on my issue
And at times shows me how I misuse
Relationships and people, rather they're at fault or it’s me
You are a galaxy.
A collection of beautiful fragments that shine.
You are a galaxy.
The planets that orbit your mind are home to brilliance.
I saw something that reminded me of you today
I haven't thought about you in a while
When are you coming home?
You should see me
I cut my hair
I've gotten taller
And I became someone new
Why can I never find words on my tongue?
They lay curled up in my palms instead,
leaking into the ink of pens or
clutched in fists like painkillers or sleeping pills.
The voice in my head constructed
I experimented with shrooms to uncover hidden truths
Or maybe lies that I have taken to heart.
by Ariel Douglas (18 November 2014)
I knew I was lost when my life spiraled out of control.
I knew I was lost when I no longer wanted to live.
by Ariel Douglas (28 October 2014)
I am a beast
I am an animal
I am trapped in an unforgiving cage
I am destructive and I am broken
by Ariel Douglas (10 November 2014)
Your body is broken and bleeding
Self-inflicted, these beatings
Your sin is leaking red from your flesh
by Ariel Douglas (14 November 2014)
To you it's an opportunity
To end the life we love
An opportunity to take a chance
To gamble with your life
by Ariel Douglas (29 November 2014)
Broken Bones
Broken People
Shattered hopes
Shattered dreams
Devastation
Decrepitation
by Ariel Douglas (8 October 2014)
Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
even though I know You’re right beside me.
Sometimes I think I’m on my own
My heart started racing when his name popped up on my phone’s screen.
I flash back to the many nightmares of him hunting me.
I'm caught in a state of fear, attempting to read his mind,
I want to love you with all my heart,
But I can’t.
I want to give you everything,
But I can’t.
I want to care for you,
And take away your pain,
The words run into a wall
blocking my throat
clogging it
(am I breathing right?)
My hands twitch
the words overflowing
filling my skin
ink
between my fingers
my mouth keeps bleeding
my thoughts keep feeding
my mind is reeling
from the emotions I'm feeling
knocks me down I'm kneeling
pick me up my heart's bleeding
me to pieces I'm peeling
I'm tired of planting seeds
I wanna see them fruiting trees
But would you get down on your knees
To make your ego small as a bumblebee?
I need you to pollinate these ideas for me
you can
be as
kind &
as loving
as you
want.
but
i still won't
believe that
i deserve
you. i'll
disappoint you.
suck the light
It all started with a purse. A beautiful deep plum crossbody. Embossed with a household name.
Kate Spade.
From a young age we are constantly groomedTaught how to actOur happiness assumed When we get hurtWe’re told to speak upBut when we open our mouthsThey tell us to be quietjust keep your head down Just wait till you’re in the real world they sayYou’
you can tell me not to cry when it rains from the storms i've created for myself but there's no purpose in telling a flower not to wilt.
what is a beat
dusk to dawn
settled down influenced by the near uprising
peaceful. safe.
chained within
Do you remember what was true before you let the thoughts consume you?An unrecognizable face in a crowd you’ve allowedTo become a disguise you used to hideEvery bruise, cut, scarThe times you tried.
they say the universe is infinite
that dark matter is constantly expanding
that we are but a speck in this scheme
so why is it
that everytime I look in the mirror
I see something horribly massive
One o'clock strikes
A time of night not many dare seek
Weary limbs move
Begging for rest
Two o'clock strikes
Another hour gone by
'Why oh Why' she cries
Rest is far
Breathe, in and out
Curtains closed, Slowly open
Smile, Bigger, Happier
Don't shake, Don't show your nerves
Move, Grace, and poise
Children watch and Dream
One day it will be them
Immobilized, the muscles in my body scream with overbearing dread.
My lungs seemed to be ripping apart from one another like infuriated Siamese twins...
the mirror isnt my true friend
she wont reflect my fantasy land
instead exposing the world in a aggressive manner
where i cant unsee the ugly truth
i cover my eyes to reside inside myself
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
Commanding me to believe that I am worthless
These lows welcome me with open arms to a whole new rock bottom
Drowning me in a endless ocean of negativity and despair
We were freaks
Clowns and ringleaders
Dwarfs and bearded ladies.
We were oddities created by a society
That didn’t accept curiosities.
S e l f d o u b t d r i v e s h u m a n i t y t o i r r a t i o n a l b e h a v i o r.
I'm afraid of heights, but that's not all.
There are no ropes in case I fall.
Now that I'm an adult it seems,
the only escape from anxiety is in my dreams.
I would love to wake up one day,
Something bold and something quiet
Indescribable violence
Lots of listening or lots of loudness
Extraordinary measures taken to
Something bold and something quiet
Indescribable violence
Lots of listening or lots of loudness
Extraordinary measures taken to
so here begs the question. can one
really become ontent in loneliness?
we are social creatures after all. but
yet we find ourselves alone in the
crowded coffee houses that we
I am a fucking phoenix.
You can tear me down
You can burn my body
Leave me in the ashes of memories
And even blow them across the floor
My body has been burned
Scorched and used
From the times my feathers were ripped from my body
In a pillow fight I will never win.
My bones are fragile
She sits upon her broken throne,
Crying out “is it worth it anymore?”
The pain of life tearing her apart
Sometimes being alive breaks her heart
The inescapable abyss in which you find yourself to be,
is caused primarily by a childhood non-ideal as I can see.
Prim and proper you've been told,
for manners haunt you till your old.
Words flow from my pencil.
Feelings flow from my heart.
A simple pattern forms from my mind.
A simpler pattern forms from my feelings.
Who is to say what makes me "right?"
Who is to say what makes me whole?
I would say I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place,
But sometimes, it’s more like I’m stuck between a rock and the ground.
I’m pinned in place, and I can’t move.
Everyday I see
All around me the smiles
All the love
Then I look to the shadows
The Darkness behind the bright eyes,
The Sorrow under the smile
I am a civil war
Brain fighting body
Hands shaking heart palpitations
My brain laughs
"Signs of defeat"
It says.
Cloudy today
The weatherman would say
Of me
Of my mind
Clouded haze
Foggy thoughts
Like wading through the humid day
When
A shiny, new, bustling city.Full of people.Each with ideas.Each with thoughts.Each with emotions.
But then It starts.
It has been fifteen years. Sometimes I wonder
If when I cry you shed tears, too, and I wonder
Will I go deaf soon? I try to drown out your shouting matches.
The percussion leads your voice. The great wave crashes
Patchwork stitching stars in the sky:
Blue, green, indigo, violet.
Thread is scarce so you have to use mine.
Unrealistic dialogue in romantic movies,
Teenage females who still think boys have cooties,
When I’m home alone at night and the doorbell rings,
These are a few of my least favorite things.
Embark on a journey to nowhere
and find it easily.
Now look up the side of a mountain and be blinded
"Rage Rage against the dying of the light"-Dylan Thomas.
I covered my eyes and was brought to a familiar dark sky.
poetry.
it used to be what we read in school;
harsh lines for more educated, eloquent, and sheltered minds.
minds untorn by the society around them.
devoid of thoughts of depression,
What am I?
a balloon, stretched taut
over a fauct and filled
til bulging then filled
and filled some more
Like a teddy bear, stuffed
with cotton until the seams
burst
the best part of the norovirus
is that while it robs you of your breath,
leaves you sweat-shaking with hot chills in bed
it also steals your appetite
finally,
to be empty by no willpower of my own
Have you noticed?
Have you noticed how I’m chewing gum again?
How apples have become my favorite food again?
That I can’t sit down because of the bruises again?
I have a little blade box,
It's hidden by my bed.
It hides all the secrets,
I can't keep in my head.
So if I'm feeling bad,
or want to sink into the dew,
I grab my little blade box,
My mind is a ferocious beast
That feeds off of dismal and harrowing memories.
Oh no, is it time for the feast?
It feels as if I am deceased.
The monster putting my mental state in jeopardy,
Sometimes I think life would be easier to go through if I had that "Ride or Die" by my side. But he never seems to stay in the same place. When I need him the most he isn't there.
Why do I struggle to remain with my brain unstifled?
Emotions running wild; how long can I stay intact, I don't even feel human.
My heart's going black.
I was born a eagle.
A eagle who loved to fly.
I grew so strong,.
I flew so high.
I was soon forced to go to school.
Two Minutes
Every year, there are more and more damaged humans,
from every age, race, gender, and places.
Those predators are shameless and ruined
Your smoked filled eyes
Holding the thing in your hands,
Precious, you say.
Your smoked filled eyes,
Holding the lies you told me
“Friends”, you say
I've felt only sadness all my life
I play the violin so I don't feel the strife
Its wooden veneer hides my pain
And the bow glides across the violins' vein
Such a beautiful sound it emanates
Guns,
Bombs,
Air raids.
I watch in awe as the laughtr fades.
One dead body,
Three more on their way.
I wonder what their parents will say.
You start to wonder,
obsessed.
my dwindling eating habits started in an
effort to punish myself,
hurt myself.
the meals dropped and dropped;
three meals a day, two, one.
an apple.
an orange.
“We'll begin / With a spin / Traveling in / The world of my creation / What we'll see / Will defy / Explanation” -Pure Imagination, Gene Wilder
Come along, my friend.
You don’t understand
that when I say
“It was hard for me
to get out of bed today,”
it was because
I had to peel myself
When I look back on that day, it as if I am looking through the eyes of someone else.
The throbbing in my wrist, aching disappointment in my chest, and numbness of my mind do not belong to me.
You see
It wasnt always this way
when the time passed it brought colors
for sometime its only gifted grey
its a mindset they say
trapped in my own behavior
the devil next door
Walking through the talking woods,
looking at the reflecting water,
I see a bag of old goods
and empty bottles underwater.
To vent is to relieve yourself
To benefit one’s personal health
To hold things in you are at risk
So let it out
Do not resist
Cry, whisper, shout, speak
Don’t hang on
Dear Depression,
You make rain a hurricane.
You make insecurities deformities.
You make the air into something I can drown in.
Dear Depression,
We need to break up.
We can't go on this way.
16th September 1689
I will never feel the weight of you in my arms or hear you cry.I'll never feel the grip of your hand around my finger.
Dear Gabi,
Last night I had a dream that you were alive
That you had tried to jump out of your window, maybe to fly
And I sat by your side because you didn’t die.
To my dear depressing thoughts,
You’ve been apart of my life for so long.
Living, breathing and hurting inside of me.
Its been awhile since I’ve felt you.
I’m sure you’ve come back to open my wounds again.
This is a story of a boy, A boy from a broken family, A boy with a dream, A boy with a goal,And a boy with the means to achieve bot
Hi, I'm skinny
I am five feet seven inches and weigh one hundred and five pounds
Yes, I have a flat stomach
Yes, You can see my collar bones
Yes, I have a thigh gap
And no, that does not make me beautiful
Dear Anxiety,
Thanks to you, my friends, Will to Live and Love, have left my
Heart.
I try to reason with you, trying to get you to
Stop.
You began as a single raindrop into my existenceAt first the presence of you was quiet and unseenAs your small stream flowed into my cracksYou were a stranger to meBut the innocence within my spirit
You began as a single raindrop into my existenceAt first the presence of you was quiet and unseenAs your small stream flowed into my cracksYou were a stranger to meBut the innocence within my spirit
Dear IT Department,
My PC is dead.
It no longer whirs and beeps
Its CPU is void of warmth
An amateur's cheap creation
Dear Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, You have me on the edge of my seat shaking my head to rid myself of unwanted thoughts. My mind is a race because of you.
Dear Ani,
Ani ohev at.
Hebrew for "I like you".
I struggle at learning languages,
Illiterate until the end of second grade,
taught myself to read,
taught myself to write.
Dear Happiness,
Why do you cease to exist
and yet are eternally present at the same time?
What is the reason that you are far away
dear nicholas and twila,
when i was so much younger
i was sad and often cried
i always felt alone
no matter how hard i tried
Dear Lily,
It's easy enough for me to pretend like I'm fine.
At least enoufh so that it seems like I've dealt with it
Ir's easy enough to distract myself
I do it with schoolwork
With gossip
It’s a bubble that can’t be popped.
A feeling that can’t be dropped.
It’s a pain in my mind
But it can be hard to find.
It starts with a thought
You don’t have OCD
Do you have to do things in certain numbers?
Knock three times on a door?
Turn the knob three times to open it?
Your influence withers as years pass by...
But I’m scarred...
And I’m broken...
From lie after lie...
Your wishes were poison to all of my being...
Your influence withers as years pass by...
But I’m scarred...
And I’m broken...
From lie after lie...
Your wishes were poison to all of my being...
We look to find just who we are inside
Forever looking to find where we fit
Having constant fear of being denied
In the process some people just lose it
Everywhere we attempt to interact
Dear Conscience,
Do you remember when I was young?
Because I can’t seem
To fit those pieces together
For where I am now
Dear Anxiety,
It seems strange to be writing to you
When you feel just like another part of me,
An extra appendage that I can’t amputate
Dear Life,
Your fragile.
we sometimes take you for granted.
When we wake up every morning you
give us the chance to
Shaky breathing,
heartbeat pounding,
tears forming.
Speeches are the contests for which they demonstrate their strengths,
heard ‘round the world.
Dear Ana,
I know,
I know I failed,
I know I should have done better.
I know, I know, I know.
I’ll find you one day, I promise.
I almost had you, but I let go.
I let them take you away from me.
January 29, 2018
Dear all those who love me,
It sits there menacingly, waiting
It’s come back around, and it’s ready for a fight
I’ve prepared my armor…my guns
Dear Obsess
Obsess
Obsess
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Are you really sure we need to keep
Checking and washing
And checking
Dear Anxiety,
My heart races when you are near.
My hands become sweaty as you whisper in my ear.
A tingle up my spine.
You have always been mine.
Dear Failure,
You do not define me.
I don’t care what you are or the power you have.
The pressure you give each and every day.
You may trigger fear of the future at every waking moment but
Dear Fate,
Since the day I was born
exposed to the empty canvas called life,
that I was never in control of,
we’ve been playing each other.
Locked in a stalemate.
I play as the mighty king;
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
Hey,
It has been a while
A while since you have sat down and took a breath.
You are reading this because you feel burdened,
maybe by something self-afflicted,
maybe by a matter of circumstance.
As I look up at the clear blue sky
I see your green eyes looking at me with a great demise
While your nose crinkles at the forgotten smell of freshly cut grass
To overcome others is strong.To overcome oneself is the will of power. I try to convince myselfThat I am the best actress to ever walk the earth,And that the hole concaving in my chestIs simply a understudy for my sadness. To overcome others is
Dear Fear,
I was told by a character in a cute little movie that you used caution to keep me safe—
—So please explain to me why I’m scared of sharks in my swimming pool.
I refuse to be the next crazy person on the back end of your jokes
I know you were talking about me but you didn't know
You think of crazy as straight jackets and force fed medications
the prince in this tale was too scared to ask for help
he tried to save himself
the prince is strong
the prince was the strongest
his arms burned my skin.
i can feel his wet lips against my skin.
he had branded me.
You are still my muse.
When i don’t know what to write i turn to You.
You are my fountain of youth; You replenish me.
i’ll never forget what being in love with You felt like
My beloved,
Your heart is pure and soul is warm,
a frown does not suit you.
Life is hard and you feel worn,
but this isn't new.
We must go on, there is lots to do!
Life is a piano.
you can only get so deep before bursting into tears
being vulnerable is hard before it’s easy
where’s the key that opens up all the locks
Dear LittleVoice,
I hope you know that you lost
It's been almost three years now and even if you do come back, I'll be ready
I know you now
Why won’t you just leave me alone?
I don’t want you around - I never have.
But apparently, I can’t get a restraining order
against my own mind.
Dear Pencil Sharpener,
I once was a painter.
An artist with beautiful abstract art under her name,
Anxiety,
What triggered you this time?
Was it the way that man looked at us on the street?
Was it the test we have in chem. tomorrow?
When you are hard on yourself, you cannot escape
Running through your mind, from these thoughts.
Your mind constantly drifting, lost at sea.
Some dark places can be found, some bright places too.
Sylvia,
I never knew you
But I feel like I did.
They never knew you, either
And they feel the same.
The difference is that
They're wrong.
Dear Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
You, the bane of my existence, the pain that has persistence, no matter how I try there's no way I can outdistance you.
"I'm fine"
those are the words that fall from my mouth as the blade hits my skin
people say I'm pretty, I say that's bullshit
they say I'm skinny, I say you're out of your mind
the truth is I'm not ok, I'm not fine
im sorry Yall probably wont ever see this but this needs said
im sorryI know at times it appears otherwise but i love you all truly i always have
You gave me a starry night and an empty journal
And said write down your beautiful thoughts.
Shoot them across the universe.
Plaster your words onto someone’s heart,
It will adhere to another’s.
dear elizabeth,
how are you? i hope you're doing well
i, however, am ready to raise hell
i'll spare you the details, but i think you should know
that things are really fucked up
and its starting to show
Hello Lou,
how are you?
Are currently down,
are you feeling blue?
Are you counting the stars,
searching for love,
and aproval for the person that you are?
Are you waiting for hope,
It was the way he chewed on his nails until his fingers were raw.
the way he trembled and studdered and looked around
like he was watching out for something.
Dear me, aged 12,
When you are aged eighteen
So much will have changed
When you are aged eighteen
Fear will no longer keep you chained
Dear Mr. Woods, can you let me out without ever letting me go, Mr. Woods?
The rain pours and weighs down your branches, now I'm soaked from head to toe, Mr. Woods.
To the person I have been:
You were a young girl who carried the weight
of the world on your shoulders.
You were a sea of consciousness,
In this frigid winter I write
To you who reminds me of this unwelcome chill,
That comes not at my request but at the hand of nature
Like the wind, you envelop me in an unwanted embrace,
The sunrays are beaming down, brightly illuminating the sky.
Sand keeps wiggling its way in between my toes
The waves keep swooshing and swishing
I can feel it
The wind rushing through my hair
The gentle tug of my face as that breeze goes quickly past me
I love this feeling
This freedom
you think a lot
you think about the space above
the planets and stars
when you're sad and alone
oh how you wish to be a star
you bet stars don't have to deal
with what you have to deal
with
My mind is a computer,
It plays games,
Process information,
Turns to power-saving mode.
But if this is true,
Then what are my disorders?
They are flash drives,
Every morning when I wake up I lieI tell myself everything will be okayI go a put on a smileIt takes everything for me to smileIt takes everything for me to pretend Every day when I work I lie
i get scared on the longer days,
dear
and you, inquisitive, know the blush…
...the blushing reason why
i get scared
Dear any and all,
It starts with a search.
“I think I might be sick,” you type, fingers hesitant because each word, each letter you feel like, is crying out to the world, with the quietest of voices. Look at me. Look at me.
An artist stuck in his works that he's studied for the longest
From his depression to his anxiety to his love for poetry, to his love for creativity to his love for writing out his own stories without a care in the world.
Dear Life,
It's a burning mess, and I'm one of the flames;
Terminally depressed because it's all the same.
Another Saturday night and it's one a.m.,
You're back on my mind, I just need to win.
IF I COULD CHANGE THE PATH I DECIDED TO FOLLOW
what a fool I was;
i exposed
the depths of my soul to you
on dreary cloudless nights
when the moon was high
and the only thing
feel the music feel the music feel the music
i bet it doesn’t rip apart your heart
crawl up your throat
ruin your breath and choke your words
when you’ve got it, when you’ve got it
in your hands, an uncontrollable energy
that brings you to your knees
Picture cartoons, Sunday morning papers,
the scratched lines of Garfield, and high notes
of Mary Poppins. So if I told you
I have a migraine and I'm the only one to blame,
blowing up the noise in my mind,
racking up the chaos,
Choking on firewater,
you’ve been drowning for so long
you can’t taste it anymore.
The words aren’t enough
To the boy—the boy laid low, boy laid low,
by the blows of life and the lack of hope.
He says he wants to go but everyone screams no,
Four in the morning, tired, exhausted,
can’t sleep because I’m living dead.
Life has no purpose, no meaning.
you’re born,
unwilling parasite you survive,
a cog in a machine you never chose to be a part of.
Dear Love,
What’s been on my mind?
An eternal pain.
A constant pain.
It's a movement of anxiety and worry that slowly quivers through my body.
A man stolen by alcohol
intoxicated monster more as
blurred actions tearing family relations
not to be remembered by next dawn
Dear Depression,
Hello old friend,
It hasn’t been a while,
In fact, you’ve been around too long,
Weaving your dark filter around my eyes
Creating a messed up version of reality where I don’t want to be
Dear Childhood,
I wish I had gotten to know you better How long ago was it that I left? It was certainly early
Dear men in my life,
There is so much chaos running through my body
Through my veins,
Through my mind,
Through my soul.
Where can I go
To find true peace and happiness?
Love
(TRIGGER WARNING)
To the society that turns broken things into beauty,
ripped jeans fresh off the line
love novels, heroine saved,
get my hopes up
like i, too, will be saved
Thrown out of my own home
Out into the cold
So young, yet so old
Wisdom doesn’t make you stronger
Holding back tears doesn’t make things better
All I wanted is to live peacefully together
Royal blue veins
Skin near transparent like window panes,
and growing pains
Dukes with dukes and dames with dames,
an endless rain
Staring out at a passing train, imbalanced brain,
I'm sorry I'm such a mess and you gotyourself tangled up in this but pleasedon't fucking leave me because thesky and the stars and the moon don'treally make sense without you
my thoughts float around me in clouds of periwinkle and gold.
ribboned stardust,
mesmerizing me
amidst the inky darkness of navy blue
that blankets my mind
i often gaze up at them
Let me tell you a story
Of her heavy mind that cried
Every night to the moonlight
As she always questioned why.
Let me tell you a
She can no longer eat.
This is day three without food.
What’s the point?
People eat to survive, but she doesn't want to survive,
anymore.
Why don't they just shut up?
They don't know a single thing.
They have no clue they are my problem.
I want to stay away from every single one of them.
I don't care if they are "family"
Dear Hunter,
The name of the person who had used the computer before me,
Had been Hunter McDonald.
There I was in the computer lab,
Sitting in front of my assigned computer,
Every time you ask me how I'm doingI tell you I'm goodThat life is greatThat I'm happyWhat I didn't tell youIs that I haven't slept in three daysThat my mind is exhaustedWhat I didn't tell you
I am from Fullerton
A place where railroad tracks met orange groves
Where my childhood met reality
I am from the city
But not like, tall buildings and smog
I was diagnosed
and my brain proposed
maybe death would make this all go away.
You see my brain ticks to a different beat as the rest.
like showing up slightly late to the lesson.
Dear parents,
I'm sorry that I'll never grow up
To be the person you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry that when you think of me,
All you'll remember are the signs
You didn't see.
Dear sister,
Stop twitching every time you mumble those around you worrythey wonder what you say under your breath when you make those jokes people get uncomfortable unsure of whether to laugh along
Dear Mental Health,
First I would like to say how much I cherish you. You keep me going through
good times and bad. You're there no matter if I'm smiling or sad. All that I want
Mother,
Let me tell you about two children of my own.
I've had them for awhile, and I'm surprised you haven't noticed.
I have devils in my pocket.
Two little devils.
They snag crumbs from my plate,
Crickets chirping, light off suddenly she's in the dark.Heart pounding, mind racing, just her & her thoughts.Good & bad, the wish I could's, was it me? What did I do?
autism is a spectrum disorder not a curable disease
I overthink the simplest things often blowing them out of proportion
She was the canvas,
the blade the brush,
the blood the paint
that gives her a rush.
A rush of releif
from the opressive thoughts
that control her mind,
that takes control of her life.
She stares at the blank page
Then at the far wall
”We’re all mad here,” it says
Whispering
Yelling
Beckoning
I feel so small
A tiny version of myself
Balled up inside
The first time you found me,
I was a little girl.
You told me I could trust you
and then you turned around and ruined me.
it took my whole life to build a brick wall.
i placed it one by one, a brick after another every time I felt uneasy that someone was knocking on my home that i so carefully built
that they were going to knock it down
they say home is where the heart is,
but ever since you took my heart,
i’ve wondered,
where is home?
you made me promise this gift was just for you,
so why can you take it where you go?
i was 17 the last i spoke with my father.
he came
home that tuesday night smelling toxic,
with the world giving away beneath his feet.
bloodshot pinball eyes, carrying
1000 unconfessed sins and
meeting him as a kid,
cold and indifferent,
but mostly confused and scared,
i took him under my wing:
isaac.
dull dead eyes,
gray skin dotted with red sores,
When I say "I'm just tired" it means so much more.
I am tired because every time I lay my head on my pillow in silence, it's never really silent
My head screams at me, recalling my worst moments
Because I Love You
Because I love you I let my heart break
Because I love you I claim every mistake
Because I love you I let you leave,
In fear that you might see what I see.
Have you forgotten my worth and escaped from my elegance?
Its seeming my china has lost all our relevance.
Do I not shine like the bulbs illuminating your stove?
I’m near, yet lonesome; I’m a deeply secluded cove.
Are you willing to wait for me?
I don’t know if it’s right to abuse you like this
This is my fault
Retching at pictures at everything you do the moment we kiss
In my darkest moment,
You were there to cradle me
Somehow you became my opponent
Preventing me from being free
You and I together
Perpetuated my pain
The way dark and stormy weather
They built me up,
And knocked me down,
Over
And over
And over
And over.
A cycle of trying to impress,
“Because I love you”
he said, the pain would all stop
because I love you
“Because I love you”
he said, the voice would go away
because I love you
“Because I love you”
I cannot do what most people can
Most can leave their house without their heart racing like a thousand horses
I used to obsess about my books being perpendicular on the night stand; that was of course before you found your way into my life.
A heart is as big as you want it to be
Say it again?
A heart is as big as you let it grow like wool on a sheep.
Hearts are fragile and can't prepare theirselves.
Mostly, it's the brain doing the work.
I am stronger than I think I amI am my biggest criticI am the worst artistI am the worst singerI am the worst studentI am a horrible friendI am a horrible poetI am my own destruction
Hello, old friend,
it’s been awhile.
I haven’t missed you,
and I’ve been in denial.
Been telling myself
it’s okay to smile.
Afraid of being alone, but you always feel alone. So are you always afraid? You create a bubble to bury yourself inside. You can't keep calm during class. You drag yourself down all day. Even while you're encircled, you feel emotional empty.
To you, I gave the world,
Yet to I, you saw no such need.
Under the worst of circumstances, we met,
I, being a mess bent on self-destruction, and you, a loner.
To you, I gave you my world,
To you, I gave the world,
Yet to I, you saw no such need.
Under the worst of circumstances, we met,
I, being a mess bent on self-destruction, and you, a loner.
To you, I gave you my world,
Because I love you, I'll forever push you to be the better you. Because I love you, I'll forever be the ear to absorb your worries. Because I love you, I'll forever hold your hand to combat your worries.
My body is cold.
My fingers, frostbitten and blue.
The hairs on my arms protrude upwards, bumps litter my sugary skin.
I see each breath I take fogging the air and the window in front of me.
My mind retraces dark places skin deep hatred of flesh deflated. The escape sedated for freedom pasted a truth that collated heartless faces. I stated the case of pain that wakes and breaks like glass in shattered places.
Sleep, that place where fantasies keep & time repeats merged between the seams of sheets where some nightmares creep at the beat of consciousness in deep. Sleep.
As I step into the car
I feel a wave of dissapointment
flood over me
like a tsunami in Japan
I sit and watch the unknown bodies
they run up and down courts and fields
Fukushima.
Dipping my fingers into your affection,
It tastes like sweetened condensed milk -
The way you hold me when I'm trapped in the dark,
Your company such a welcome confection.
Because I love you I won't let you down
Let you down by leaving you alone
Or crying in your bedroom,bathroom stall
Because I love you I will care
I will try to stay strong, smile
Laugh, even be outgoing,
I close my eyes before I sleep
Hoping that my heart will keep,
Wishing that it all won't end
Praying that my soul defends,
Wanting more but showing less
Pleeding for one last breath,
having an eating disorder means wanting everyone to know and no one to ask
it means accidentally leaving your lunch at home and proudly telling friends no thanks when they offer to share
The claws of the creature
that once tore into the tapestry
of my mind are dulled
The unraveling has ceased
but not without
leaving behind wide
fraying gaps
Weaving together
I'm at war with my mind
And the only sense of peace I can find
Is if I go back and let my mind rewind
Back to when I didn't think much
About what I looked like and where I'd sit at lunch
A Man
A room
Confined to silence
Darkness comes and goes
Maybe of sleep, maybe of death
His body wonders, his mind paces
What then does he seek
Perhaps a reason, Perhaps a light
Because I love you.Because I want to love you.Because I want to love the idea of you.Once upon a life,I tried to love the manthat every girl should supposedly love.And on his thousandth chance,
Tuck in the shirt and tighten the belt, it'll help you look smaller.
Tighten the apron.
Eat breakfast because it should be the only big meal you have today.
I wonder if they think I'm beautiful?
I stand alone here in this empty room,
watching people pass by the windows and watching them live.
Each one of them i watch yet only one stands out to me,
In passing, [Insert Name Here] looks like an ally for those who struggle,
like someone who doesn't truly understand,
like someone who hasn't gone through the same experiences.
In unconditional love,
I won't make you prove to me,
That you will do whatever I need.
In unconditional love,
I will support you in any way I can,
But I may not put your needs over my own.
Stars don’t twinkle as bright as they did when I longed for their warmth
Mountain peaks are tangible; Thoughts of you can calm the storm
Ocean depths aren’t deep at all in comparison to our talks
you creep into my mind
like fog in the morning light
I know you will stay with me today
or at least, your memory
the memory of you and I
Because I love you,
My words flow freely from my lips
Spilling my secrets and sharing my hopes
With you, love.
Because I love you,
Okay so you are drunk again
But this time you let your heart stay in bed
it's your brain here surprisingly enough
so listen up
You have potential
A part of Newton's Cradle
Right now is just the start
I could be just like you
Never happy
Burying myself in the color blue
Everywhere I look it's blue
Except the sky
Which is filled with a thick gray
Or I could be me
How I wish to be free
From your entanglement
But your vines of thick blue yarn
Grab at my wrists
Clasping at my throat
They grow heavier on my shoulders
Leaving marks of Blue
In places unwanted
"Why?" you ask when you don't see.
"because," he says before he makes you believe.
I, the word to show who my brain hates.
Everything I felt came rushing back.
It was like suicide.
My thoughts hung me.
My emotions shot me.
My fears cut me.
My imperfections were an overdose.
Three pills a day for the rest of my life
Is what I need for my mind to be normal.
There is nothing wrong with that, I know
But some days
I choke
On what feels like the Titanic stuck in my throat
He said he loved her.
Shouting matches, leaving her with a life he helped create, he said he loved her.
He said he loved her too.
To my best friend who likes to call others perfect,
but cannot see her own worth.
To my bestfriend who is always willing to listen,
but then turns almost everything back to her.
I remember when I first met you,
We had this instant connection,
But I should have known that it would turn sour.
I know now that best friends don't keep each other captive.
"Look at me beautiful," you say gently,
as you wipe away my tears,
or hold my shaking hands.
I look up to meet your eyes
flooding with love
flooding with concern
What if I died tomorrow
Would anybody care?
Would anybody even know I left this world alone
No one was there to guide me
To help me through the pain
Once upon a time long ago
It is said a girl with skin white as snow
Ran far into the woods
And stumbled across a cabin, alone in stood.
Hypnotized by the reality,
Still after soo many years,
My Misty eyes remained silent.
The susurration only had confirmed my doubts.
The memories still haunting me all night.
Once upon a time Cinderella was a maid
a dream is a wish your heart makes
Drizella and Anastasia were a bunch of snakes
Cinderella had a happy ending
something else was descending
Sometimes my brain is not kind to me.
It starts with the sounds around me.
My teacher is talking.
My classmates are whispering.
I hear it all and it is so so loud.
Then, I stim.
"So this is love..."
The thought echoes off the caverns of my mind,as cold and empty as the darkened motel room in whichI am grateful I cannot see
Last night, I could not sleep,All I could see where the things I was sleeping to forget,I woke up, checked my phone: 6:36 AM. I began to weep, My face is pale, I'm breaking out, my cheeks... so wet.
I sit in the parking lot of a.drive in diner.
There's a fluorescent light attracting moths and other bugs. I see them flying frantically around, trying to reach the light, darting in and off, too quickly to cause much harm.
I extracted myself from my family…...from my friends.
I calmly plucked away, little by little, my involvement, my presence…...my existence.
To no apparent end my soul grew darker than the pits of hell.
Ok.
So maybe there were never 7 and a pretty girl.
Just one.
Just her.
And they were all pieces of her mind
POUNDING POUNDING
The thoughts want in,
-
-
POUNDING POUNDING
They will be my end,
-
-
POUNDING POUNDING
They want to control my functions,
-
-
POUNDING POUNDING
One was family.
Two was a friend.
The third was all the hopes and dreams
that would soon come to an end.
They scurry around running errands
and doing chores.
They cannot see what has happened
Odessa stumbled in
Bruised, bleeding, broken
"Honey, what happened?"
"Just some tea, please."
Hijab around her neck like a noose
Ripped silk and torn skin.
I was born with puppet strings in my skin.
With hooks in my joints and a painted-on smile.
I was born to please and placate,
To be Mommy's Little Angel
(To look pristine).
I was born to vomit bubblegum pink
I am too much, too much.
Too quiet they say, too shy
(I'm obnoxious when I talk, it's better this way)
Too rebellious, they say, too passionate
(I'm just trying to find my way, never thought I'd reach 18)
Girl hospitalized in bed
Mother wishing that her little girl wasn't death
Doctors are saying that she's gone
Mother won't believe it and starts singing her a song
Mommy is here you don't have to go
Was there ever a place the storm had not been?
The storm shrouded everything.
The sea's azure peaks and emerald valleys
Always smothered by an array of greys.
An exasperated sigh
Escaped from her lips
As she fidgeted
Clammy fingertips.
'Apothecary Den-Owned by Three Bears'
The sign in front read
And she faked a small smile
To hide her internal dread.
Gold--
Everything else has ceased to matter,
To exist
In his eyes.
The damned metal has taken control
Of everything in sight:
Of our once beautiful home,
Of my body,
Of his mind.
The brush stroke is smooth but not silent
The colors clear and vibrant
Every part of the rainbow is there
Every splotch will declare
Once Upon A Time...
Repunzil was trapped in a tower
Locked away for whole summers,
with her unporportional Barbie dolls and hoards of fluffy bunny friends.
Plans to make fake towns out of dirt,
People say I'm not valid,
people say I should choose,
they don't understand though
I love people not genders.
People say I'm dramatic,
people say I'm just scared,
they don't understand though
Bags under my eyes.
Tired, so I look to the sky.
I turn into the sun
And fall into the gloomy, grey clouds.
Water starts to pour
I hear the piercing tick-tock.
I stare at the clock.
Thinking of nothing but the time
Watching my life slowly pass by.
Wishing for life to go faster.
I hated that I had given up on everything.
Wasting everyone's time on me.
Trying to find something for me.
Trying to find me.
The hair of my arms turned,
I know this collision of arms is inevitable,
Yet my mind spins like a ferris wheel gone rogue,
A correction must be made to my limbs,
Wrong, this is wrong; tears pry their way out
A small bottle
A brush
Heavy paper
Covered in crevices
And teeth
Pressure
It takes pressure
chapter three: her name is
they told me to smile as i stepped onto the firing line,
about to be shot with the reminders of my own vulnerability.
chapter two: mario kart 8
my mother said goodbye to me and walked out ahead of my father.
i suppose she couldn't handle seeing how easily i was able to belong and blend
chapter one: my mother on the outside
the first time i saw my mother cry
out of sadness, instead of frustration,
was when she came to visit me in the hospital
rope lines have been found in our bloodlines, but
the ropes have tied themselves
into nooses, like
tongue-tying a cherry stem until you are
tongue tied, trying
bus number 32 takes you to bus number 19
which takes you to your house.
bus number 17 doesn't exist, but
maybe that's why you know it'll take you home.
incoming message from: depression
it seems i lose all ability to
see clearly
when it comes to you.
i tried to tell the moon goodnight,
but the words were stuck in the back of my mind
unable to escape from behind
tonight is one of those nights where
i am clawing at the bed sheets hoping to find
the comfort that the mattress store promised.
Shattered.
I lay shattered
Reaching towards
The wall I built
To keep out
The realities
Of a harsh life
"Shh...
forget the outside
just focus on me.
Come on.
Look.
Aww, don't you worry..."
Crazy, psycho, unreal
little vile parasite.
It’s fragile
Breakable
Something that shatters
Shatters with a touch
A word
A thought
Doubt
Self-doubt
It eats at it
Like a cat
Plays with its food
Like tiny voices
I feel like my whole life has been montitor
by these people who pick out my mistakes
or just anything to make fun of me.
Are these voices in my head or reality?
Will it ever stop?
My love is Beautiful
My love is Kind.
Mantras that I keep in Mind.
I am Amazing
I am Great
I start to feel the ground
it shakes.
I want to Love
To feel my Soul
Yellow light banishes
The shadows on my wall.
Beckoning me to rise
From the depths of sleep.
To greet the morning
And my fears.
i may as well be a dead roseno one dares to water or revive just to throw out with this weeks disasters and garbage my thorns are fighting those who try to stop me but they aren't strong enough to keep me alive. they may protect me but they can ne
Like a little kid
When the lights go out
My soul is dark and scary
This there is no doubt
My brain wages a war it cannot face
You told me once that you were fine
I told myself you were right, you’d never lie
I know now where i went wrong
Seeing you today was the reminder you are gone
I watched it before
I didn’t speak
You let it happen to me
I couldn’t speak
I couldn’t stand up for myself
The taste of being ignored
Behind a locked door
Was an abuse that became too familiar
These scars are not telling you
About some beautiful tragedy.
These scars say
I’m fucked up.
They scream
It's hard to listen fully
To people when they say,
"You need a little sleep dear;
Your eyes won't be as gray".
For how are they to know
What sleep does to my mind,
How I wake up in a cold sweat,
We are the jokersThe lonersThe invisible roamersThe insomniac dreamersAnd the at-risk soldiers
sitting here colder, shoulder to shoulder,
Always being told "you'll be better when you're older".
We are the jokersThe lonersThe invisible roamersThe insomniac dreamersAnd the at-risk soldiers
sitting here colder, shoulder to shoulder,
Always being told "you'll be better when you're older".
Nerves Racing.
Heart's Beating.
Why are they starring?
Is it my smile, my body, my hair?
Is it my personailty, Why should they care?
I just want to stop the stares...
Is America great?
Or is saying that a mistake?
I see our addiction to doing,
I wonder where there is time to reflect.
As the spring flowers are blooming,
No one stops to smell.
My bed has always played savior
as I sought refuge from my thoughts,
seeking asylum from my sanctioned brain,
I thought secrecy was my only option.
I thought a safe haven was where I dreamed
covered in dark sheets to hide the blood that I bleed.
Mommy, look at me, look what I can do.Say any word and I'll spell it, I'm smart just like you.
I'm sorry I was bad. You hate me? Is that true?I promise I'll be better, Mommy, tell me what to do.
How does the narration convey the idea that Meursault is a simple man to the reader?
He’s not
He’s not
He’s not
He’s not
He doesn’t have access his emotions
He’s taking it day by day
it's 11:58 and i can't sleep, glitter is coming out of my eyes and it's cutting them open
my ears are dripping beeswax in some dumb attempt to block it out
im alone, so alone
You Can't see the Noose
Coming 10,
Had some friends
Had to learn
No bad ends
Coming 12,
Hello World
Oh so broken
Little Girl
Fourteen,
1. You will feel so sore the next day that you're entire body will feel like a bruise, and people will notice.
brokenand I refuse to bealive and energizedbecause who I am issuffering everydayby drowning my sorrows in alcohol,but nothing changeseverything can be overin one small instant
America now
Sees mental illness
As something taboo to talk about
Outside of a hospital,
As something to suppress so long as I get that ‘A’,
As something not legitimate next to a broken leg,
Every morning when I wake, I have to fight a dragon
It is a fierce thing, that claws at me and pushes me down
Weighing me with thoughts on the coming day and what might go wrong
They love you for who you are, but sometimes words, they leave a scar.
A scar so deep, you question who you are.
like you've been hit by a car,
over and over, and, you're the owner of the car,
moving slower, slower.
Having a mental ilness is like walking blindfolded in a forest
You can never rest, you feel you can count on no one
Because your brain tells you there is no one
It says: "You don't have any friend but me"
I write because
if I didn’t
you’d find me dead with
a pen by my side.
I try to break free
from the bones that control me,
he shut the door as he shut his eyes
Seconds ago
he kissed his brother goodnight
Minutes ago
he told his parents he loved them
Hours ago
he stared at his teachers blankly
Days ago
Bottles
I’m eight years old when my grandpa hands me a coke bottle,
The foreign glass texture and the vintage label excited me,
Shadows are following me home yet, I feel so alone I seek for attentionbut no one sees me
I wonder if there are more peoplelike me
till the limbs can't breathe
stepping, always
continuing
time is freely yours
the sights before you make it worth
the sky is beneath
vibrations make waves, joy
happiness is for thee
I have reached a point in my life where
I wake up most days feeling somewhere between “okay” and so goddamn happy
That I feel like a kid climbing a tree who has just reached a branch
People cannot be broken
Nevertheless, there will come a time
When you meet someone who will make you feel like
Hundreds of pieces of pottery
Scattered on the ground
The ink of laughter painted across my rib
Flat beyond opinion,
Line below a beat.
representing a break, the breath, a life.
The greens and blues
of circles and spaces of stars and faces
The ink of laughter painted across my rib
Flat beyond opinion,
Line below a beat.
representing a break, the breath, a life.
The greens and blues
of circles and spaces of stars and faces
I arrive at the scene.
A reported disorderly conduct, undeniably located inside of my brain.
'Surprised' is not a word to describe my reaction to find the two suspects.
Depression and Anxiety.
Old soul
Young bones
Turmoil and pure insanity-
This time last year I was really feeling the shit hit the fan, man
And I mean, really
Porcelain Doll hidden between
thorny leaves and puppet string
on forgotten dusty shelf
coerced beneath the
Looking Glass Self –
A torrent comprised
of inveigle words - acceptance.
My sad old friend
visits so often
and years ago she came to stay
We grew fond of the dark
inspired by tears
I'd grow anxious when she was away
My dark lovely friend
sits in my image
I hear her scream
I hear her tiny footsteps in the hallow way
Her shallow breathing quickening my heart
She is an empty shell of the person I knew
Her soft skin that used to soothe me is abused by her confusion
She is not me; I am not her. Her voice shakes when she speaks, her screams are unheard. I live life on the edge while she stays in bed, and only moving around when she’s trying to get out of her head. Her mind is her home, her heart is a stone, a
January was cold.
Weather has never bothered me,
Nor have I worried about freezing,
But I could tell, there was ice somewhere,
Capable of freezing me to the bone in seconds.
I am in the darkest place I could be
I cannot feel as if
The world cares for me
It may not seem true but
"My life is full of joy"
Is just a falsehood, and
"The darkness is my only friend"
I found the feeling of love in a teenage boy, deep in his caramel eyes.
The warmth I felt when I stared kept me warm through those cold October nights
Cleanliness important since birth
Ingrained in his head since he was a kid
Friday morning palms overhead
Leaves are looking a little long
Traces of dirt find their way to the ground
This year has been the same
more or less.
I told myself; 2016 was my year,
but that never happened.
It was the same as every year.
I'll tell you why
I have two best friends
You're alone, and it hits you.
You are not quite,
you.
Your friends can feel it.
You don't go out.
You don't smile.
You don't live.
You've changed.
It's like
you're
not
War is hell.
People die, gasping for breath,
Struggling to survive,
The things they carried on their backs weigh them down like chains,
Drowning them.
They drown in regret,
They drown in sorrow,
There was a wood by my house you and I used to meet at.
We would wait until the warmth of the glowing sun had gone
So that you, my first love,
Could wrap your strong, loving, embracing arms around my delicate, tiny body
These thoughts run through my head.
Stop, I tell myself. They are just thoughts.
My hands are red and raw from the scorching water
mixed with bubbling soap.
They tell me to stop, but how can I?
Everyday Ι walk over similar roads,
And in every way the same memories replay.
As my feet bring me to the places, my mind brings me to other times.
Back then, and today
2016 sucked.
It started bad, got worse, and ended on an all time low.
Not for sympathy or epathy but just so you know,
not only has my mental health declined
but my motivation has flatlined.
My mind is like a random password generator.
They come.
They go.
Never the same.
m8cvp8w7jzo
There is a switch in my head.
But not two options.
Hundreds
Too many inside.
The grassy hillside beckons to me
I curl up in it’s inviting arms,
Only to be awoken by the one’s who pester and pry.
The last time the leaves turned orange
I didn’t take notice
Because I was too busy being sad
And crying myself to sleep at night
And wondering why
It all began with a small love that turned into a large one.
He knew how to take care of her and her medical issues.
He knew how to treat her right. He acted like a total gentleman.
4114
May I speak to Amanda Willard please?
Click
4114
May I speak to Amanda Willard please?
Just a moment.
She's silhouetted against a stark nothing.
You can see where the tear rolls down her cheek
And the skin clings to her bones as she bends down.
She's starving herself.
She doesn't realize she's in pain.
Sorry for existing
I want to say
but I know you won't understand
you'll try to fix me with your words
"don't say that, you are worth everything"
the only kind of worth I have stings when I try to wear it
I'm done hidding
in the shadows.
Let the poeple come
with their words as daggers,
and their glares as swords.
Let the people come with their arrogance
that buries hopes and dreams
“yeah, I used to get panic attacks myself.” my ease surprises me. I’m relaxed, not like the calm before a storm when havoc is about to wreak. just calm. no storm.
It’s been a long time coming
But we’re finally okay
We know we deserved this sooner
But we’ll take what we can get
But just as all the pieces seem to fall right into place
today is the day i learn acceptance
i learn to tame the ferocious beasts inside me
not by beating them into submission, or leaving them in cages
until i hope they starve or wither or grow old and die
I had a nightmare last night.I stood in the middle of an empty road,In an empty town,Just waiting.For what I don't know.But there I stood.In the silent,The nothingness,
As I walked down this busted up bowling alley,A guy,Looks to be in his mid-40's decided to approach me.He tapped my shoulder,Looked over to be welcomed with a decent comb over.
I told him
i told him to let go
but not forget
He never had to forget her
i told him he must understand
she is lighting to him
No
I can sleep
yes i wake up at 3 am
there are nightmares that wake me up at 3 am
and haunt me
sweats bathes me
Bloodless
If in designation we find substance,
We are neither truly rich nor poor.
I know what you see when you look at me.
At least I fear as you.
My life is like a Hepburn Rose.
Unknown and just as pink as innocence itself.
I never understood how life could go from easy to difficult.
I couldn’t take the purple bruising pain.
I can only describe her in phrases that don't make sense
in images
in times of night
or metaphors.
She isn't real and never will be again.
She's dead. I'm not. Ironic.
She comes in waves
I am a ration cabinet.
Every time you squeeze through my doors, under the loose chain, you take bits and pieces of me.
Life went well;
graduation,
a car,
college.
Still, life was
incomplete
and I yearned.
Materials and tangible
satisfied others
and they do I,
They have a diagnosis for it all.In a hospital, breathing runs you 300 dollars and it’s not complete without the insurance telling you it’s your problem, not theirs-
I can't handle this pain
it clouds my eyes
I'm going insane
waiting for my demise
I'm seeing double vision
picking apart my skin
with great precision
a game I cannot win
My body is a metal cage, a stage name—
I call it ME.
Maybe I should call it THE THING TO BE CONTROLLED.
My body is a safety net, the one that I like falling into
Most of the time.
Hey, Nick! I mean...Nicole.
That's not going to be your name for much longer but we'll get into that later
Remember good ole twenty fifteen?
Twenty-sixteen is like that but with a swirling vortex of terror
Life thought to be good till one week it happened.
Early on, common space violated
shared space that has an agreement
broken by her because she thought she was better.
Anxiety triggered, a speech that was broken.
if i could tell you one thing
i would tell you
that i was sorry
really sorry,
aching chest sorry
and i would tell you to love yourself
Heartbreak is the heartbeat moments
Smiles fading into frowns
When happy turns to sad
In remembrance of a memory
The longing to return
my consciousness sputters like a dying engine
the pulsations of my brain slowing, shaking
(muscles too slug-like to function)
beat, rest, beat, rest
she has a universe engraved on her wrist
and stars in her eyes
with her dreams plastered across her figure
she is an infinite expanse
a world unexplored
My Depression said to say hello, and that she's sorry we've never formally
met, she said she was too disgusted by me to bring me any sooner, that I
was a horrible creature that had hope, and she had to make sure every last
theres a man in my head
he made his own bed
he puts fear in my brain
and ice in my veins
he pulls me from the people i love most
and pushes me towards ones i hate most
I am a girl of six
Playing with bones and stones and sticks
Wondering if words will ever stick
Not knowing that in a decade, I’ll be lonely and sick
I am a girl of ten
The morning I grew sober was like none other before.
One day the snow was heavy, and the next my worries had ceased.
I was a new man: outspoken instead of quiet, kind instead of moody.
hot pink stripes falling from the sky.
deep brown waves and pale fingers falling from my head.
kneeling in a field behind a church with a razor to the back of my neck
I reached out to the sun, but he burned me
No matter how I approached, I was scorched.
The sun seemed to burn brighter each day for months
I wanted to be close, to feel the warmth
And with a stroke of a pen
My pain became joy,
My tears became smiles,
And I became myself.
And with a stroke of a pen
The pain started in his head, bouncing between his ears like a bullet richocheting through a tunnel.
Soon enough the pain slithered down his throat and into his lungs, clinging and growing like a fungus.
I don’t remember January.
I came into this year terrified,
A friend about to commit suicide.
Tears, tears
Are all January brought.
I’ve heard, my dear, that you aren’t okay.
I’ve heard you crying, I’ve heard you say:
“I give up, I tell you. I surrender my soul.”
But I promise you that one day, you will be whole.
Who am I?
No one sees me
They glance shallowly, right through my existence.
Who am I? Who am I?
I exist utterly in solitude
My own mind a mystery; I can't comprehend
Unseen
Unheard
Padded locks lining the door frame,
Keeping the monsters outside at bay.
Attempting constantly to have monsters tamed,
Anyone who's been on a roller coaster can tell you,
there are ups and downs and loops and twists.
For the thrill-seekers, it's a rush but
for the fearful, the worst part is knowing that
I sat there waiting to be hugged by the sweet arms of death.
I sat there awaiting the clock to strike twelve and for my fairytale to end.
They come so often
It is not a surprise anymore
For these visitors are
Now residents
In my eyes
I barely notice them
In the palms of some mad love
Catharsis and a coma, symptoms of my soma
From what foul slum did this sickness spread?
Not everyone's a part of the lucky some
Eyes wide open, conscious, willing and brash
It began with the eagerness of hope,
the longing, burning, raging need to reach
the unattainable—that gift which I
never thought I would call my own. There were
scars still, written across my arms like a
You didn't know that when you met me,I was sad.You didn't know when you met me that I didn't know how sad I actually was.You didn't know that when you
A year ago, I was scared.
I was always nervous, shaking, nothing could've compared
to the feelings I've felt every day, hour, minute,
emotions that always gave me a limit
on what I could do and maintain.
It’s almost impossible to weed out the roots you planted in me
The seeds of hope that you’d get better
The promises that you weren’t going to leave us
My life was a whirlwind of suffering, but only within my mind.
My day to day hardships don't always happen in real time.
My life was dark, dead, and dreary.
According to society, I have never been extraordinary. I do not fit today’s standards of pretty. I am invisible.
Some days are just bad from the start.
On these days, it takes all I have to find happiness inside my heart.
I turn on my music and roll up my sleeves,
This day will not take my happiness away from me.
I walk 15 minutes to find you when I'm sad.Though it's very rare I find myself feeling this bad.In cold weather, I'll find you, while I'm jacket-clad.If I find you taken by another, I'm rather mad.
Sometimes, she doesn't get out of bed.
It seems so difficult.
The color of sadness is so deep.
But she must rise.
Her subjects need attention.
Is it not strange.
The sun’s peeking at me.
Tickling my face, somehow sliding under my covers.
My pillow’s so soft,
My blanket so warm,
My dream still beckoning,
Words, shuffling
Perfect ballet
Ribbons, ribbons, ribbons
Choreographed anarchy
Compressing thoughts into a tight tight ball
Until I can't tell what's what
What is what
What is what
Waves
Why is it that the more recovered I think I am,
The happier I seem,
The more I smile,
The more open I am...
Why is it that, inside, things might just be getting worse?
It's a trick,
A spoken word poem comes on my podcast in my car.
It is the first I've ever heard
The words are few and strong
They cut me to the core, through the armor of my illness
Inspiring the first spark of emotion in months
I’m scared of myself
For when school starts
See, I’m not depressed
But in form time
My mind works overtime
I need someone to hold me,
To wrap their arms around me and
Squeeze the sorrow away
But I know I can't have that sometimes,
And that's okay;
It has to be
Release me from this anger,
I remember thinking that I deserved it
-the pain, I deserved the pain
I remember it being difficult to talk
-the words, they just wouldn't come out
I remember that I despised myself
a chill slips up the cord of my spine
as unwanted thoughts roam the lining of my mind
hands fidget and legs shake
if i can't find control now, i might just break
i used to think this wasn't that bad
When I think back on it now
The memory appears white along with everything in it
The walls
The floor
The pills
Everything except for me
But I can't remember what color I was
I don't want to know
Do you know how
to put feeling back into me
into the tips of my fingers
the ends of my hair
the heels of my feet?
Do you know how
to put me back together
my bones
my blood
my skin?
The mind of a human…
Split in half
With creativity and logicIt interests me, so I zoom in,
In the course of an hour, I had stared into the eyes of my enemy. I said nothing. I did nothing, I swear to it.
Often we find within us
that we can't explain what our troubles are
Such a bizarre confusion,
It makes the complaining of others our envy;
I don't promise insight, so take this vulnerability
There's something ugly in mistakes and I am going to let them see
on purpose. They're nervous for
bad anecdotal jokes and blank notes, rote comfort buy the hour.
What's wrong?
Nothing
Everything
How are you?
Good, thank you.
I'm numb, you?
What ya doin?
Writing
Don't tell me it's all in my head,
I say sorry a lot because I'm genuinely afraid that I've insulted you somehow,
Don't say I'm overreacting,
I get set off by the little things and I worry all the time,
'Calm down.''You're fine.''What's wrong?''Will you please talk?''I want to understand what your anxiety is about.''How's it feel?'
I am not crazy
I tell myself over and over, but the more I say it, it becomes harder to believe it
The small letters on the bottle read antipsychotic
Please stay
I've watched as the things that I loved fell away
And sometimes I struggle to make it through every day
I am just a traveler in want of a little rest
I had been blending through a city of the oppressed
Dimming me down to the filthy ground
Screaming at me, they surround
I took the pen where words failed me
I had no sword to fight,
The dragons that had besieged me
From day to my very first night
I wrote to silence screaming
And bid demons stay away
an open book of poetry lies half-read, half-abandoned because as a moth is drawn to a light, the amateur poet is drawn to thoughts of imminent failure
the knowledge of talent unfound, unpolished
Written Expression
Stuck.
Brick barriers of muddy membrane.
Imprisoned.
Caged by my thoughts and identity.
Black, young, and Christian.
When I fet like I could talk to no one,
You were there for me.
Through my troubling thoughts and feelings,
I could open up to you, Poetry.
My smile always plastered across my face in public
written 08/08/16
Why speak if I will be ignored?
My words will fall to the ground
Forgotten and left behind
Like dust around us.
Why is it that they aren't heard,
Or simply overlooked?
written 08/07/16
The secrets we keep
Just words between us,
We carefully speak
Perfectly hushed.
But now I have questions
And we are never alone,
So I speak nothing
I can speak
I can stare
I can try to comfort
Try to imagine
I still have yet to comprahend
A choice that was made
A choice I have thought of many times
as you start age daily,
you learn the
dissimilarities
between right and wrong:
what is accepted by this
temporary home
and what is not.
There was once a boy, in the 1700s
who survived in his house's basement.
Stuck he was,
for the sadness exhausted his will to go out side.
His mother too, for she was distraught at the idea of bearing a 'mad' son.
You are the black hole of my being—
your cold, gnarled fingers squeeze and
twist and yank at me from the inside,
desperate to come out and shade
me with your wretchedness.
You are enigmatic; I have never
Alone I feel every second of every day
There is no real cause to why I feel this way
No person or thing, no action at all
I break down inside because I feel I have no one to call
Forgive me,
but I have such a hard time believing that you're being sincere.
I feel my fingers rattling—
tapping other bones,
nervously checking my phone,
When all seems lost
And hope has fled
What solace can I find
But that of ink and paper.
The pen is mightier
Than the sword
But some nights
The sword wins.
Poetry found me by my bedside table,
heart contained within a dimly lit mind,
I could not find the light switch.
Poetry found a foolish girl,
one with storybook hands,
As day turns into night,I start to lose my might,And even though I try,That doesn't mean I like to lie.
I'll always still fall,And I'll never stand tall.These words may hurt,As if I fell in the dirt.
Part One:
It's happened twice.
you've been there twice.
and refuse to return again.
The tastes, the smell, the feeling.
it's all so close now.
and the pain hunts you.
its almost seductive.
Image: Picasso's The Old Guitarist
It isn't crying or sobbing.
There are no tissues with slice-of-life movies.
It isn't listening to sad music
While wishing for happier days.
I live on my drunken abode,How pretty everything seems.I do believe that around is clearer than I really see,For I have done this before.
I lived here so longI no longer beg to differ.
That moment, where words from my mind
Flow through my hand and into my pen
That moment, when all of the thoughts
Become organized, and no longer scream
Are you listening?! Can you hear me...
Do you even care?
The world is cold.
Made up of blocks of ice.
You become frozen in place, unable to change.
Nothing feels right.
There isn't any light.
It's cold and dark.
No one knows where you are.
The rain falls and it sounds like bullet casings;
The rain falls and it sounds like home.
The thunder comes and I am hiding,
Under a table, away from you.
From your thunder-clap hands,
On March 19th I went to a party
accompanied by my first love; my soul getter
I trusted him
This man I equated as an angel on earth
So when I drank too much
There is nothing as strong as a tidal wave.
It crashes over your head,
douses you in salt,
and pushes tears from your eyes
whether you want it to or not.
I was eleven when I first drowned.
10 years old
Drowning in anxiety
I envy peers who’ve claimed elementary school royalty
An alien in my own world
Throw away the smiles
Bring home the fear
Forget to calm the child
Rage the storm unclear
I stand on the shore
Alone, as a mess unfolds
Water tickling my toes
Searching for more
Blaring static from 59 T.V. sets.
Lost in a sensory sea, never to return.
Memory, cognition, sight, sound, taste.
A knock on the door, words seeping through wood.
I cannot hear them, what are the saying?
Failure.Seven letters perfectly construed to describe my very existence. Misunderstood.Four syllables that boom in my ears, deafening the good thoughtsthat are now few and far between.
Do you make wishes at 11:11Do you plan from 11:09 When your hope bubbles over andAll of your troubles and desires File into a line where the biggest dream races practicality for a spot in the frontAnd converts to words soon to be evaporated into a
I became a poet when I was born
I became an artist when I died
Putting ink to the paper
helped me feel what was inside
As a babe I saw everything around me
I'd lose sleep so as not to miss a thing
Her skin: soft as the edge of her sword
And her hair: carved from the volcanic ashes.
Her heart: away from advancing toward
His hardline lips; and her faint eyelashes:
Disguising keys to his grave, shallow as--
flowers don't grow among thistles
the ones that do don't survive
they're choked out
by a tale of mice and men
flowers don't grow among thorns
they grow with them
and become them
Don't hate the girl in the looking-glass
what has she done to you?
She's done nothing
but try to take care of you.
Don't pick apart her flaws
She made them up for you.
She only reads books that start with the letters
K, I, or C.
She doesn’t know why
But she thinks it’s because they spell kick
And she often wants to kick herself in the face.
(She drowns herself in a lake)
We are the medicated souls,
too much morphine,
too much pain,
to take away.
We are the medicated souls.
No one can stand to hear our screams
even when they say to not be silent.
Do you see me?
Do you feel me?
Can you feel the pain, the ache inside of me?
'Cause I'm alone fearful to hope.
Terrified I'll drown and no one will be home.
So I just wander inside my head,
My brother in arms
Battles against the world, himself,
And me. His entire family.
My brother in arms,
An encyclopedia who seems to know the entire world—
And everything throughout—
I do not wish to stare
Out of this Plexiglass window that shouts my name, taunts me.
Yet it refuses
To let me leave this world.
My trembling, tired fingers
Reach for some source of life--
Voices in the dark
Madness, that defiant spark
Words, Rhythm, Poetry, Rhyme
Escape, Express
The Truth is mine.
My speech on paper,
The world unkind,
Speak out with thunder
no matter what you say or do
it will never be
enough
not what they're looking for
so your feelings,
they're ignored
they're a lie
just like you
just because you're a liar too
He stares at his ceiling
It's half past four
It's paranoia he's feeling
He looks at his door
No one will come
Yet, he still tries to run
Away from his demons
They scare him a ton
Good morning, they say
And I'll say it back
But I still desire unconsciousness
Not because I need the rest
Although I do
But I stay on my feet anyway
Aware of my struggle to
Gazing at the sad sorrowed remains
of what once was a person.
Now finding beauty in destruction
theres no chance of being saved.
Ink starting to flow out
like the tears that burned my face
I’m picking puzzle pieces to preach the perfect purpose of why I’m trying to whittle and woo
These wondrous words Into an artwork,
age 6 - “what do you want to be?” a velociraptor
age 8 - “what do you want to be?” a chiropractor
in my youth, i sought to be appropriate
but now, mature, a dream hypochondriac
It's growing.
Bigger, nastier, uglier. And it's sore as hell.
I dived head first into a brown bottle, even had ice but, it still continued to swell.
Self medicating, personal antidotes,
You're the sun rising in the morning,The fresh blanket of dew covering a shivering field of grass,The wind flying through the scene as time washes away just the same,
Your love was a bouquet of roses,
deep scarlet,
like your proclaimed adoration for me.
The storm,
immense with grief,
truly impossible to escape.
Hate never silenced her wordsAnd compliments never brought about changeAll she ever did was binge and purgeBut her mind remained tainted and strange
can’t tell people anything
they think i’m crazy
i guess i am
but all i need
is someone to listen
and understand
without having to plead
Brainwaves whir from corner to corner of my cranium,Causing me to think in a different key.
Some lessons in school
Come and go
Others however
Help you to reap and sow
Poetry is a tool that
Has many uses
The reason I love it, it helps
Cope with life’s abuses
Day 1
I was afraid to have to repeat it again
in the hospital because I'd rather be dead
I have been there before, baggy scrubs and socks
Stomach in knots, my poisoned liver still rots
Looking through a bleak view. I’m not as weak as they assume. It was a dark time, in a dark room. How can this world be flat when everything has been spinning out of control? I needed someone to be there and not let me unfold.
Removal of passion was the last resort, the last plan of action. hoping to patch up the wound she left when she tore apart your heart and left it there to remain broken. Lost in the world, you swore you'd never trust someone again.
Looking into his eyes, cold, empty full of lies. Who was this man standing before me in this disguise? I've seen that look one too many times. I wish I never was a disappointment. But this man gave up on me a long time ago.
Waking up the clock reads half past noon. Looking outside I feel a pang of gloom. I think of the day we got yelled at for not hearing our parents call us more than just a few times. We didn't know. We were too busy playing in the snow.
Sometimes I forget.And oh the bliss that comes along withthese moments of unforeseen abstraction.The bliss that helps me
Why am I still standing here
In this place where I was once happy
Even though I close my eyes
I still feel you staring down at me
Why won't you leave me alone?
How am I supposed to move on with this stare?
most mornings, we rise
the sun filling the sky,
sanguineness in our minds.
though our hopes may be high,
anticipations soon shatter our proclamations.
The structure is creaking from the wind drifting by
No one is home
No one’s alive
An overgrown garden entangled with vines
Reaching for something it will never find
I make ruins of what was already shambled;
I trample over the brain of a once great village.
The heart of the city I, grit my teeth at, push my body down among the people.
I'd felt along the streams of scars upon her arms
And whispered, asking her, is she sure they are stretch marks
Only then did I realise children are just as brave as adults
Your light shone but once,
sprouted my rose of ardor,
the rose soon to wilt.
In plentiful bloom,
is our chemical romance,
beautiful yet beastly.
Bleeding our love:
Nightfall is honest,
For when the dawn comes,
the sun awakens,
I too.
The truth dies with rising gold,
a new lie spun for all's eyes.
Staring up at the midnight sky,
hear the quiet passing by.
We can't get those thoughts out of our head,
so we keep them in until we are dead.
Twinkling stars that are shining so bright,
A life unfinished
Ended too soon
Was it all the pills you took?
All the alcohol you drank?
All the blood you let run down?
All the words that got in your head?
Maybe I am going insane.
When I want to break down,
Cry for the stupidest thing.
Cry over the fact that I hate myself,
That I will never be good enough for you,
Absolutely not for myself.
When you ask me,
"Are you okay?"
I want to say no,
I want to say that I'm breaking inside,
That I'm a shattered piece of this human being I used to be,
My mother is special.
That’s what they say
When they drag me away
From that shiny white room
And I ask if I may
What if I forgot to turn off my cars headlights,
What if I forgot that I've checked 3 times this night?
What if college is going to bury me in a grave of debt,
Head, shoulders, knees and toes knees and
Head is filled with very foreign thoughts
Shoulders lifted by the harsh anxiety I’ve somehow forgot
Laughter, Light, I smile so bright. I've fooled you again, One more time. This is the night, I can't take anymore. I have done this, All before, If I scream & cry, No one will hear. So I'm sat here silent, Drowning in fear. I can't do this,
Here’s to the girl
The girl that used to smile and laugh
A light in the room and flower in the dark
Who now lays on the floor of the chapel with tears in her eyes
Here’s to the girl
It's like an earthquake.
The world shifts around you,
Shaking your heart, shaking your mind,
Shaking your control until it crumbles away
Leaving you both helpless and defenseless,
For the record,
I am myself.
Even in the dark
with no mirrors, no clues,
I am myself.
I am not the feeling
I love my friends. They're always there for me when I need them, A fucking lie; they're useless, terribly frivolous rats, who never stop to consider--
Metallic essence lingers on her tongue
She's stranded by memories that cloud her disposition
Of a little girl in white,
Running from something that doesn't exist
Her bare feet strike the cold earth and stale twigs
If I didn't believe in tomorrowI wouldn't have a today,or even a yesterdayto speak of.That's
Changing,The people who once acted and played parts on the stage of my life,The once before lovers,The emotion of the once favored touch frozen in time,With one thought and I'm with them once again,Past friends,
Addicted,I am to the pain,Feelings of loneliness surround me,Never leaving,Humble routine of this,I become even more lost without it,Happiness is a forgotten conclusion to a question I don't know,
Can depression be so unwarranted?,Like a tsunami unseen unheard,It is deeper than any ocean,Can this be real?,Am I alive,I feel cold,Even though in my mind,I do not believe in him,God,
It promises without condition.
I am gathered here today,
In happiness, in health,
A wedding of a body and soul
Living in unity without union,
Though for many it is different.
Silently working side-by-side
The main character loves me, the smart side-kickThe thought is a balloon that continuously rises
The voice in my head never stopsDay in and day outIt repeats what I’ve done wrongI can’t get through a day without regretting my pastMy head hurts more than my heart ever didMy heart was broken but I found a glue stickBut my mind is a tool that gl
When I was young I hated the summer
Sweat, tight clothes, overflowing out of stiff shorts
Sucking in, holding my breath
Standing up stiff and straight- I couldn't wait to be underwater
Where no one could see me
No. No. No. Please no.My pulse beats fasterThe muscles ache in my palmsDon’t do this. Don’t cry.
One pill, every day, taken by mouth
At bedtime
It is not
A quick fix
It is not
The easy way
It is not
As effective as a sugar pill
It is not
Instant gratification
Loneliness lusts for souls like mine
Hopefulness hides in souls like yours
I am weathered and withered, weary and worn
My soul's the night, but yours is the morn.
I'm done with all of this.
The shit I go through daily.
The unexplained silence,
As bad as the fucking words I hear.
The judge mental glance a sharp dagger,
That had stabbed me in the back forever.
I wasn't prepared.
I guess I was blissfully
unaware
of everything you never said.
"Mommy, I don't want to live",
the shot to my chest,
and then the awful words
upon that little IPod screen.
Undeniably, the body cannot live without the mind
It is like planning to seek a treasure one must find
The strength to act in order to survive
but without spirit, all actions, contrive
We've all been through trying times in our lives, and if we haven't yet, then it is almost inevitably coming. ITS JUST HUMAN NATURE TO HURT, INS'T IT? Most of us experience our suffering at the hands of other people.
There are shadows
Down the hall
In the corner
On the walls
Words are shallow
I hear voices
Some are deep
Most are small
They direct me
And inform me
There are days in which my forearm remembers stories that I made up,
That haunt me and forebode potential illusions.
I remember days in which there were many of these days within a day.
I need to breathe but there isn't any air,
I need to clear my head
but I also like my memories and don't wanna forget
I need to sleep but if I close my eyes
She was always a mess
Scabs on her face
Dried blood under her fingernails
Her heart throbbed until
It crumbled
And pieces of it cluttered the floor
Like words in my mind that I wanted to say to her
Time now for ghosts
who are grand reminders
of the lessons we learned from
our thoughtful mistakes.
They can follow us through our homes
and out the door
and onto the next.
They say there's always a silver lining. Always a new day, That there's always a light waiting at the end of the tunnel. Well my lightHas burnt out. SizzledCrackledAnd flickered out.Like those sad faulty Christmas lights dangling off the tree.But
I think I was about seven when I learned to word gay.
We were driving up to my grandparents driveway
Sick of paranoia tired of absurd thoughtsConstant grind hearing things assumptions being distraughtIf its not derogatory voices talking constantly about meRandom thought will make me act quite obsessively
Untamed self control my own worst enemy I can beI can not be the poison and the remedyThe voices I hear are not in my headI hear the words as if they’ve been said.Horrific thoughts I must endure
I was never meant to attain remission;
The persistent emptiness was always terminal.
You were the IV
that pumped saline through my veins,
the sheets
Plant kisses with your fists,
All over my body.
Hit me, kiss me, to me they're the same.
Tug at my skin,
With your hands and teeth-- I'd still love you--
Choke me, provoke me, to me it's all the same.
if the sand was silk
would you still step over it?
if the rocks were gems
would you pick them up?
or would you
still step over it?
it become harder to live
or more likely so
Before you date somebody with amental illness, you must rememberthat calling them beautiful willnot adjust their brain's chemicallevels. Sweet words do not reversesickness that plagues the mind
They found his diary under the bed.
“Just days too late,” the agent said.
Tales of sorrow, woe, and despair
“This shouldn’t have happened; it’s really not fair”
It is something that is invisible and difficult to see
yet at the same time you know something is wrong with me
the feeling of an invisible knife that pierces through the heart
Oh say can you see
The graves lining up day by day,
Of thousands of men and women who decided to lay
Their lives down together for the ultimate sacrifice?
I could tell you of my longings, but first you need details.
Asperger's Syndrome is within me, a disorder from which I ail.
I loathe it not, take my word, though water I do bail.
Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore, We are neck deep in denialshouting from our lungs,We are starving head cases.We are two am phone calls to our mothersaying, Mom, I messed up.
LISTEN, who told you that God could not be a woman?I am almost 6 feet under my own fearsand I have no holy power to turn tothat is a reflection of me.Who shoved their generationally skewed
We are just kids who can't stop the voices of our demons. Too tired from trying to keep ourselves sane, we are out on the edge not caring if we fall, we are heroes
A rose is a rose
A heart is a heart
A mind is a mind
A soul is a soul
A person is a person
And no one can change that.
That in its self,
is a victory.
And he dipped his hand
In her dying sea
And filled it with a galaxy
Straight from his heart
Undying, overflowing-ly
Forever my thoughts bend to you
Like the leaning of a tree to to the wind
Forever my eyes turn to you
Like the search of a flower for sunlight
Wet, clear streaks
Like tears
Rain left behind
On the windows
In the hallways
White streaks
On the wall
The pursuit of happiness had a whole new meaning
It was an avid chase
Marathon malaise
Stalemated battle
Bloody brain
Trying desperately, searching
Missing piece of me
In the lonely darknessStands a kind, but hurt orphanShe goes by the name, LaurenHiding her tears with smilesWhile looking up at the night skyNoticing its the only beautiful thing...In her life
Hide the scars draw a heart on your armtake a pictureadd a filterkiss her scars "stay strong, love"
Yeah, I was sad when Robin Williams died
I sat there and watched as my whole family cried
But what got me was the outrage that came from his suicide
Yet, nobody cared this much when Lelah Alcorn died
(A dual poem by Bailey Bennett)
Creativity never came without
costs. I never saw a painter free from
pain, or an actor who didn't dabble in
Writing by the light of a door cracked open is the most honest one can get with oneself.
Especially when that door leads to the hallway of a psychiatric hospital.
i will gouge his eyes out i will splinter his bones i will spill his insides
i will break him like he broke her
piece by piece
my best friend was molested by her grandfather
he deserves it all
Imagine a ten-year old you sitting in front of you.
Tell that kid that they are:
Worthless,
Nothing,
Stupid.
Tell them that they're fat,
That aren't good enough,
That they should kill themself,
It feels as if I'm flying and not even trying to be better,No longer am I plagued by depressing thoughts in my head, wishing I were dead but ratherFeeling like I'm on top of the world ready to leap down into the abyss below,
I remember the last night I spent in the hospital
Sitting on my windowsill like I was on top of the world,
When really the world was on top of me
And yet, I couldn’t cry
With stained eyes and blurry vision
I tried and tried with much precision
But no matter what I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t take away the emptiness I felt
However, I did gain a deeper understanding I can barely articulate,
I lost myself years ago
Tried to find me, looked to and fro
But nothing helped, I was frayed
The darkness inside me has always stayed
I tried to find myself in the loneliness
Well shit
I really hope your life is not the same as it is now
That you have some level of control you could never ifind in the bottom of a bottle
Or a handful of pills
Self harm scars
Or hospital bills
Days
I have days where I want to give upBut I also have days where that seems so far awayBecause the distance between giving up and staying here is the length of a wide embrace I'm ready to face
Between my fingertips I hold the key to self destructionWith no instruction but to inhaleDeep and fast to make the head rush last and with destruction in handLooking around I suddenly noticed something
Insomnia seems to grace me
With his presence each night.
Loneliness often deafens me
With the words he left unspoken.
Anxiety holds me hostage,
Invoking memories I want to forget.
by Ariel Douglas (19 February 2016)
Breath
In my lungs
Tears
On my face
Sun
Setting on
All my dreams
Desperate
Crying out
Stranded
No escape
Deserted
someone asks me how we survive
day by day, night by night?
i want to tell them that we don’t
but the words taste like falsehoods on my lips
because the truth is,
we do survive.
but we do not do it alone.
The children are dyingand their mothers are crying.The kid took a bullet through his headright over his bed becausehe dreaded waking upto go to school in the morning.The teachers are scorning the kids
we heave our last goodbye off chapped lips and this is played off as glamorous by our maintream media.
I'm the ugly sweater,
I'm just there so you may laugh
I'm the ugly sweater,
I'm here on your behalf
I'm the ugly sweater,
I've always been the same
I'm still the ugly sweater,
Don't give up, it get's better.
Don't let those eyes get any wetter.
Don't beat yourself up or tear yourself down.
Don't give the world its saddest sound.
Don't let your mind lose itself.
You never noticed
That you never saw him eat
In all the months you've known him.
You had no idea
Whether she shaved her legs
Because you never saw her in anything but sweats -
My vision went black as I walked down my hallwayBut I wasn’t afraid,As I had been the first time it happened,And I had to sit down on the floor,Because I didn’t know why I couldn’t see
Can’t Live Without
By Thao-Cathleen Vo
Can’t live without
Love, because
Without love what is life?
Why continue to breathe if
No one wants to hold your hand and
Reassure you, Show you,
I’m not saying I need a prescription
But I’ve made multiply Attempts of self-inflections, and ignoring all of life’s safety restrictions
Dear Mom.
On days like this
when I can’t get out of bed to go to school,
it’s not because I just don’t want to go to school.
What is depression?
It is a vile, insideous darkness that engulfs every aspect of a person.
If this darkness was a liquid, I would be drowning in it.
I have two stong, beautiful wings to fly away from it all,
When my mother saw my scars she asked me “Should I be worried?”
When my first love saw my scars he said “Don’t worry, I have them too.”
When my best friend saw my scars she said “Wow, that’s so edgy.”
"Final thoughts" With the my hours reaching their lastI prepare to end this life with a blastNot a blast in which refers toA joyous afternoon in the park with my familyMore in reference towardsTaking a 9mm straight to my cranium an
Where am I going?
I guess I’ll never know
I can hope all I want but the answers never show
It's a shot in the dark but I’ve never held a gun before
your smile slowly disappears
and your eyes lose their life
cuts and scars appear
so tempting was that knife
you were as bright as the sun
Continue.....
Continue to live
Continue to process
I dont remember how this began
When did I go wrong?
When did I decide my bed is where I chose to stay safe?
will They find the body?
will She care?
Finally.
I can't get the smell out of my head
The lights dance, faltering
like they did over the shattered glass
She runs away to hide
nobody giving her a second glance
so no one sees her cry
why can't they give her another chance
Broken girl all alone
locked away in her room
putting on her headphones
Welcome to the quiz. There will be three items, each a different type of question.
Scores will be determined by honesty and creativity.
Respond to the best of your ability.
Feet together
Head up
Collarbones out
Flat tummy
Hipbones jutting out
Hair long
Pin straight
Sleeves back
Clear wrists
Eyes focused
Blue sky
Fake smile
Soft as moon
you walk a rope
between life
and death
And I never know
where you will fall
Broken ropes
bloody blades
you try to scrape
away the pain
If u hurt me I'm not coming out to play
In this lonely house I will stay
I will look after myself in this deserted home
It is where I am shielded and can safely roam
If you look through the windows you will see
I cuddle my secret teddy bear at night
Holding him close to my chest so tight
In the midst of loneliness he can be my friend
Someone to be there, even if it's pretend
For I may be young or I may be old
I'm mad.I'm mad that when I talk about important things they roll their eyes.I'm mad that I'm a bitch for having opinions,or boring for being a(stupid)(shallow) (unambitious) girl.
there is a girl I knowlost and wanderingshe’s wandering for herselfshe’s trapped, so trappedin a body that’s dictated,daily molded to bethe girl that everyonewants her to be
Please answer me back
I've checked my phone a million times
I want to die
Am I not important enough to text back?
Do I mean that little to you?
I'm not asking for answers!
THE BROKEN________.
Ow It hurts……
The pain lingering in my body
The constant tears from when I fell
Fell to the ground because it knocked me down.
“Don’t push me to make decisions that I may regret later.” I heard you say this while on the phone with your sisters right before your dad died. I laughed. I fucking laughed out loud. Now what do you think that says about you?
“I love you more than the sky.” You told me that every day as a kid. “You’re fat. You’re attention seeking.” You told me this every night as a kid while you scolded me and grabbed my arm, but I doubt you remember.
Go to your room and turn up your music. You sit alone and you turn up your music until you can’t hear shit. Your stereo will be on full volume, but you can still hear the sound of their teeth shattering on vodka bottles.
7:36- my alarm goes off and my eyelids are cement walls that are being pried open by a mother who’s only reasoning for doing so is ‘because i want to’
Pushes and punches, teases and screamsNo one ever wanted to listen.No one ever wanted to really see.
She gripped it- cold and silver.
Sharp, stinging to the touch.
Please stop stalking me,
stop watching for my every weakness and exploiting it.
you are a slimy shadow,
a grim stormcloud.
hanging over my head,
There’s no glamour in it.
No flashing lights
lighting up the reflection in the tears
of her eyes.
Just purple circles
from sleepless nights
People always tell you to talk to people
When you're feeling sad,
Angry,
Anxious,
Anything of the sort.
They'll say tell an adult
If you or someone else feels depressed,
Suicidal,
Inanimate objects are the strive for empty feelingIn a void of a preconditioned milieu Addiction flourishes in this Skinner Box of incentivized need wherein the commodity breeds the commoditized manA philistine in need is unlettered indeed in the
We have superpowers,
like waking up daily,
sometimes getting dressed,
managing schoolwork
despite so much stress.
We are the best
at being alone,
and wearing long clothes,
I'm scared to let people in
to let them know that I have a problem
to see if they can help
depression is a taboo subject
especially in a christian home
because its not a sickness
A while ago, my heart broke. It didn’t disappear, it just broke. Now that I look back, I realize that it probably could have been fixed. Back then.
I’m a femme fatalemy father taught me wellLike Mata Hari my charms arefor my victims to dispelLike the mistress Laura Bellthe Queen of London Whoredomone day I may find the Lord but
My chest is caving in,
But there's nothing besides the weight of a t-shirt
Against my skin,
Yet my chest is heavy.
And I must have been impaled with a bullet
Because there's blood draining from my heart,
When I use words to explain my depression, I use those of others.
I claim to be a writer and yet I become so certain that what I have is too little.
"But you're so nice" "but you get good grades"
Me being nice doesn't stop me from wanting to kill myself everyday
I want to tell you I will do anything to keep what we have together,
That I will try to follow through and give my effort to do better.
I am every bit as pathetic as the paper in my mouth.
The paper that will very soon become a topic of discussion among my friends;
Wondering why my hands now smell like anxiety,
There was a month where I smelled like cigarettes. You were the month that I tasted like misplaced jokes, who's punch-line snaked around my jaw;
You told me I made you feel the way
I feel when I draw circles under my tongue,
but I'm not very good with new concepts.Driving the nails into the coffin of my inhibitions,
Deep inside her heart of glass
Lies the tears of her dark past.
The girl inside, she hears her cries
Her never-ending lullabies
Lost in confusion, pain, and cold.
Drowning in sadness, truth untold.
Wonders. That is all we are. Constantly wondering to something new, something wonderful, something different. Something that is not us. We use things to distract us, music, writing, the tapping of a pen, but I cannot distract myself.
I literally cannot even right now
It's pretty srs
I have mental hellth problems
But at least I got my yoga pants
It's like I TOTally look so indie rn
But my heart stopped beating
The fluorescents blink almost as fast as you when you're uncomfortable,
And of course we don't know what we did wrong,
but the wax on the floors might.
We passed the field by my house,
Where you used to say sorry;
Words never held meaning for you
Without smoke kissing lips.
I never should have.
I waited too long didn't I honey?
I asked you, my friend, to meet me at night
And hoped against hope that we'd be alright.
On that day I stopped watching myself fall;
Despite what you think, I remember it all.
I belong to myself and only to myself
While it is a great responsibility, I proudly take it on.
I, now twenty-years-old in perfect physical health
Need to remember this when darkness envelopes my mental state
You know the nights
where your eyelids droop--
but you don't fall asleep, no,
(you could only wish),
instead you're just numb.
I once was young and filled with hope
Because I did not understand,
That life is like a length of rope
Contemplated between my hands.
Mistrust and suspicion rule in my brain
They run cross country inside my heart.
Loud thumping, mind racing, loosing the control
Your breaths quicken and your sight blurs.
Everyone wants to find the love of their life.
We entrust a stranger with our thoughts,
souls, and our entire existence.
Does the very thought of it frighten you?
Maybe one day, people will see their worth.
They won't compare themselves to that person they admire
Because they'll have their own dreams they aspire.
No more "I'm not good enough,"
If I don't know where I'm from, you ask, how will I know where I'm going?
Fair enough.
Here's my best answer:
I am from a little boy crying because I turned his amoeba of green paint into a t-rex.
Being a hot mess isn’t hot; I know that better than anyone.
Sometimes my heart overworks my head and vice versa.
Whiskey-colored rays of light coming from the window dragged me out of bed.
They will say I am broken,
They will say I am bent.
Though after all they have spoken,
Not a word leaves a dent.
I am more than my gender,
Soothing salve…
The glistening sea…surrounding me….
Pebbles smashing on the millpond rocks
Relieve my anguish, soothe my torture
The calm blue sky a parody of my mind…
Facebook
Request
Like
Message
Hey
Flirt
Date
Butterflies
Flirt
Date
Calls
Kisses
Deep conversations
Like a foot is stretching my heart
Contorting, stressing,
I feel nothing at all.
Like they're talking,
And I'm talking back,
But the words are vegetables
Why are carrots coming out,
I have settled in you
Like soot in smokers' lungs.
We sleep in waves,
Shifting, pulling the blankets like teeth.
The alarm sounds.
My cigarette's half-ashed
On the back porch.
I am so much more than what I think I am
I am more than my diagnosis
I am more than my medication
I am more than my label
I am more than the biases and stigmas
I will struggle and have my bad days
imagine
there is a landmine in your veins
tic tic ticcing away
counting down the days
until you can look in the mirror
and see yourself straight -
imagine
I have tripped over luck and stumbled upon tragedy. I find myself stuck in an elevated, praised, honoured institution, full of the most vile and wretched creatures to fill this earth.
i can hear my heart thrumming
Humans see the world full of cheer and bliss,
I see it much more than this.
I believe the world is nothing but an abyss.
Then at the very end you just give in to death's kiss
It’s time for a change
It’s time to put an end to the stigma that surrounds mental illnesses
It’s time to stop shaming those with mental health problems
Depression, grabbing you by the throat and chaining you to your bed.
Trying to ignore this stuff inside my head
the feelings I feel, The things that I said
It's not me, you see
I am caught up in a bubble
I feel I am not here
and sometimes seeing double
Still, breathing, not a soundInert in my bed, lying paralyzed.You shook me, crying "wake up, wake up!"
(note: relating to someone that I know. also I don't know much about poem structure, so sorry it that isn't good)
Fear. Anxiety. I fear anxiety.
I sell myself short
with these small rhyming pomes
I could make a da-vinci
and hang it in homes
I choose humour
simple simplicity
When I saw the scars on her wrist,
I didn't see an attention whore,
I saw an angel counting her days,
Nothing is perfect, I know that too well, but I cut it close
Life sucks, the future is scary, the past seems like it’s leaving you fast, but not fast enough
All you can do is be
Awesome
And I am
Let go.
Wash your sins away
or your heart's vacancy will find
guilt, an ever burdening resident
Let go.
I'll carry your ball and chain.
They are the focus,
They have colors of wonder,
They reveal a glow,
They reflect a meaningful soul,
They are your eyes.
It tugs at two corners,
It comes in many shades,
It uncovers radiance,
After too many sleepless and empty nights
The sun finally is up in the morning
It's only 3 am
There's no storm today
The thunder continues rolling
My tired mind finally closes its eyes
I tried to end what life he gave,
I treid to end what I thought was sin.
Daily I thought "How can I win"
Within this horrible life of sin?
What should I do with something so heavy?
The mouth of the metal monster
the maw of the morbid mother
the giver of gold or gall
picking out the particular person
plucking out precious people
maker of more monopolies
A fatherless showdown.
He is around but he’s not.
His ghost still creeps in his body,
Those who said that teenage years would be memorable didnt think for those who cant even be happy anymore.
They didnt think about the new generation .
I hate when people say,“I understand.”When they don’t.Sometimes, when I hear that phrase,I just want to scream:You don’t know me!You don’t know what I’ve been through!You don’t know what I’ve done!
Maybe he didn't see the wall.Maybe the darkness forbid sight.Maybe the fog of Depressionsettled over his eyes, blinding,obstructing his perspective.
Do you know what it's like
To wake up every morning to the same damn ugly face
To look in the mirror and wish that your body wasn't so blemished with scars and imperfection
My wrists are clear
but my head is not
Everyone seems so proud
But I still hate myself
I have so many
If the things I wanted
The things that make me happy
And yet I'm already empty
I'm so nervous and scared, I'm panicking horribly, driving myself mad, my skin feels more sensitive now, hairs risen up, electrified.
If I could make the flow of my hands just a bit more....smooth.If I could make the pictures last long enough in my mind to take the time to draw them perfectly.
I've kept quiet for months thinking I got better, thinking "this is fine now, I'm fine now, life is decent now." Oh a fool with eyes shut and ears covered knows just as well as I do this is long term.
Psychotic (adjective); crazy, mental, reckless,
Out of control, violent, strange, scary-
You throw around the word psychotic as if it won't hurt
I sit in the white porcelain, writing.
I allow red to drip, making roses on the snowy surface
I feel:
Relief. As if every weight I have ever felt has been lifted.
Mommy, Daddy, this is not your fault.
As you walk toward the light
At the end of the tunnel
It gets smaller.
And so you are running,
Running like the mad woman you are
Trying to get there before it's gone.
But it's too late.
Five feet tall
Sometimes I feel small in more ways than one
Anxiety presses against my chest and takes my breath away
Insecure and worried
Insecure about the way others view me
The hospital is where I was supposed to get better
where I was supposed to shed my failure for strength
where I was supposed to become free
the hospital
with all its well lit rooms and halls
I think I'm insane
when I hear the whispering
of hushed voices behind walls that aren't there
when i look down at my skin
and pick at every tear
I think I'm inSANE
They tell me to breathe slowly. They tell me to picture my “happy place.” They tell me it’s all in my head.
As if I didn't already know that. Do you not understand the definition of a mental disorder?
Pain is all to real to pretend it doesn't exist.
People have very skewed perceptions of what is really means to be depressed. Depression is not just sadness and it is not just the endless stream of tears down your cheeks. It does not mean that you are a bad person.
Almost as if the floor is lava
she twirls and spins and leaps
toes brushing briefly against
the scarred and forgiving ground.
She twirls and spins and leaps
faster and faster until… jolting awake
You hear the muffled whispers
hiding in this room
you're listening and you're listening but still the whispers loom
haunting whispers in the night
you know that they should give you fright
Fool me one time shame on you…Fool me twice, can't put the blame on you…Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs load the chopper, and let it rain on you precipitating shells of emptiness disturbing the atmosphere surrounding its casing.
The moon is a symbolDespite the darkness, somewhere out there is our source of light
Anna
“You can’t have sex wearing a wig” she said
That line could’ve made me laugh
If she wasn’t clutching the sides of her head
Wondering what choice did she have.
A look into a crystalline solid,My reflection shines brightly and clearly,And with myself leaves me more acquainted,of my intelligence and my beauty.As an amorphous solid in nature,
My heart is pounding.
I start to sweat.
I know nothing out there can hurt me;
But in my head it already has.
How can I face all these people?
Am I being too needy?
Maybe I should say hi.
On the inside hallucinations are created, a sense of clarity while the others stay sedated.
Graphite hits paper, scribbles take form, even the beauty he’s known has to grow horns.
It is drunken stillness, lingering on death
Tasting bitter coffee on late-afternnon breath
Uneasy to share, to talk about the pain
Unsure and afraid, eager to lay blame
Alone in a crowd, seperate from truth
Empty inside
Hollow and wanting, waiting
Waiting to feel something wanting to feel anything
I do feel
Feeling only pain and anger
No filter is needed to see who this is
A girl with such a bliss
Someone who they miss
But in history, they've shown of me what should be
As now I uncover my destiny
Now the filters may disappear
A six year old girl ran to the bathroom
And stretched Scotch tape from her eyes to her ears
To make herself as pretty as girls society consumes
To hide her insecurities, and fears
So many visits
So many pills
Theyre supposed to make me better
but only make me more ill
A pill for my depression
A pill for the rage
A new pill added each year
As I progress in age
She watches and hears the pain of death;
She stares at the flames that has taken the life of her sister;
As tears silently flows down no sound is heard;
But the screams of pain in a firey death;
Dark and cold,
A tale so old,
Coming home,
Waiting to unfold.
He sits on his bed,
Painting his wrists red,
Urging the thoughts,
To just leave his head.
Misread and verbally beated
Unloved and mistreated
Alone and unneeded
No one knows the way their river flows
Always ignored, the pain grows
I feel numb inside…empty & lost.
I find myself trying to rekindle my soul, while keeping my eyes open for the lost pieces of myself; they were sold, but at what cost?
A tortured soul is locked with no key,
The end of the tunnel looks dark and bleak.
Merely sitting without movement or light,
I am not delicate but I will wear pink.
I am not frightened but I will cover my eyes at a horror movie.
I am young but that does not mean I have a blind eye.
I am female but that does not make me weak.
You say I’m okay
On the outside
So I must be alright
To keep going
But have you once thought
About how I feel inside
The filter
It's something that sometimes makes me feel so good inside
It's something that enhances the beauty that I can't see inside of myself
So I need this filter
Why even try? Constantly feeling the need to get their approval and for what? Praise? Recognition? Why is it that you go out of your way for them, after everything? An apology?
I was little when disposable cameras were "the thing"Polaroids were fading out.
I would pose for my mother in my new school clothes
Silly faces, ballerina, peace signs.
I wake up,
I look in the mirror
and I see this beautiful girl
staring back at me.
I look at my waist,
my belly,
my thighs,
twice the size of my friends
who brag about not eating at lunch
Lack of confidence
that is your immortal enemy
No one doubts yourself more than you
Somehow you cannot outrun these thoughts
They are just there
Ready to kick you when you are down
I am made
Entirely of flaws
But make
No
Assumptions
I am still
PERFECT
I am the goddess of my own domain
With the ability to change the world
When you’re feeling low…
and you feel like you’ve got nowhere to go
… that sick feeling is all I feel
as my head begins to reel
My vision starts to blur
Dreams that compose an ever-so-distant me
Wrap around in a cloak of contingency
Mirrored walls guard my heart
Deflecting and rejecting all chances of happy
A wolf alone in the wood,
Not by choice but by cruel fate,
A social animal without a pack,
A mind consumed by hate.
Will you not take in the wolf?
No, of course, no one would,
"Foster child! Foster child" "I wish you never came here"
"Not my sister, Not my sister!" "Mom, don't call her dear"
Echoes in the hallways, begging for a tear
Water in the bathtub, wash away my fear
She’s paralyzed
Traumatized
Drifting in space
Panting, heart racing
makeup smeared on her face.
Questions and options
Are flooding her mind,
Restrictions, obligations,
There are demons pressing in on me.
There are demons pressing out on me.
It's as if when my eyes hit the mirror
they hit the bullseye for my body to grow.
the bullseye is really a trigger.
Mankind has become a world of manmade waterfalls.
Inherently beautiful, mejestic by nature, a sovereign force.
Manmade, however, mankind is molded into another's vision,
Death is a part of us all
More than others
But all death is for reason
Which we don't know
Until we die
Ourselves
Depression is real
And it hurts
Pay no attention to these tears
See only the plastered smile
I must ignore my fears.
This done-up makeup will soon smear
These nails were once in perfect file.
Pay no attention to these tears.
He asks "what's that on your arm?"
I say nothing.
He leans in to touch it.
My body twists away, so he asks again.
"What's that on your arm?"
"Just a scar."
Pressure is applied to a mental wound,Bleeding out imagination, determination,The memories are painting the floors in blood-Discrepancy of a tortured soul; spilled ink, spilled thoughts,
I can't control my brain
The pain makes me feel insane
And I don't need you opions, on my feelings
You can't imagine what it feels like
To wonder why you're broken
You can't imagine what it feels like
Ignore the girl hiding behind the maskshe whispers to me at night"what have you done?""you're so stupid""why would anyone want to care about you?"her whispers raise in volume and venom
I’m not supposed to call it mine
My anxiety and depression isn’t supposed to be mine,
I’m supposed to distance myself because somehow that helps.
Somehow saying it isn’t mine
makes it okay
A butterfly once landed on me
And told me I was beautiful;
For some reason I believed her.
She kissed my cheeks
And told me I was allowed to dream;
For some reason I believed her.
~a heart once so pure
Heavy with burdens
~Smiles turn to gold
Shy to break, soft to hold
~molded in flawless to be just flaws
~A heavy broken smile is all I am
'Flawless' is of flawed design,
I am not perfect, nor are you,
But knowing that my flaws are mine,
And that they've made me strong with time,
I praise myself where praise is due.
Have you ever woke up and felt like you were dreaming? Like you couldn't get up? You were stuck?
Inside, around, behind
what's in my mind?
Flashbacks
tons of flashbacks.
I wiggle, I scream
hes too mean.
I can't get away
but you think I did it to
myself.
No one is looking for me.
I haven't disappeared, but why can't they see me?
That's alright, I'm not hoping to be found,
I already found myself
Disappear in a whisper:
Hello? Are you there?
Yes but are you?
Do I know you?
Do I know you?
No I don’t.
You’re right we don’t know.
We?
You never knew did you?
Mental stabiliy is invisible to the eye of one's emotions when they run so dry.
Don't cry for the hurt, the lost, or the mislead.
There are voices telling you thatLaying in bed and crying all day is normal.You're just an "average teenager."It's just hormones.
There is a moster that lives in my head
I keep him locked away in a cage
Or, at least, I try
Sometimes the bars are not strong enough
The monster breaks free and crawls into my thoughts
you are like the ocean
I stand on the beach and your tide rushes up to me
your foam softly brushes my toes
it feels nice to be with you
so I wade in further
your slow rolling waves rise against my legs
Dead, rotten flesh falls from my face
Mouth agape, jaw hanging my a thread of skin
Eyes yellowed, and maggots crawl out from every orifice in my body
I hear some then I hear none
Living with depression is not an easy thing to do
Living with anxiety is not an easy thing to do
Living with both has become so painfully unbearable
i never suspected that i would spend so much time trying to pick things out from under my skin.
Vast are the expectations of a grueling crowd of thieves.Stealing all the souls from the lonely hearts they feed.A chemical inbalance, they say,the reason for this feat,But nothing will explain the endless tears
Behind my smiles
My good deeds
My leadership
My love for others
Behind the eyes of those who look highest of me
Who seek my guidence
Behind all that i am
I am paranoid
I want answers you tell lies
Going against my religion, but not my heart
Which is worse?
God, why do I anger you
I like girls I'm really sorry
It wasn't on purpose
It's not what they call you,
but what you answer to.
Never let someone else's words
define you.
No one is "normal"
No one is "perfect"
But as long you love yourself
you'll always be worth it.
I am sweet and innocent and a little too sad
I've got lots of problems because of my drug addict dad
Anxiety like
sugar in my veins
forces my weak knees
to rattle.
Bumping the desk in front of me
as I slowly undetectably lose focus.
Undeniable to the students
near to me, but unnoticed
Chorus:
I'm stressed out
A lot of stuff on my mind, I don't know what to do
I'm stressed out
I just want to be alone, so I'm sitting in my room
I'm stressed out
Her mind was not broken when she was born.
She was once a rose
But, have you ever seen such aversion to a flower?
What’s in a name?
They call her crazy, a freak, a nutcase, insane
Dear high school bullies,
I wonder if you know what you did to me.
I wonder if you still believe the things you said.
There you are sitting..
Dazed and distracted...
Are you alive?
Can you hear me?
You've made mistakes...
You didn't catch a big break......
But don't stop trying.
Don't escape.
Smile.
Smile because you're loved, you're fortunate, you've got no reason to be sad.
Smile because everyone around you passes by without a second glance, a second thought, a second word.
Once there was a man who left
and his little girl was sad
she cut her wrists and bleed for him
as she wished to call him, dad
there was an incident that spurred the path
the family was split
this self mutilation is getting out of hand
every night i break down i know i cant stand
to stay here much longer, im am beaten and damned
to rot away slowly with nothing in hand
It’s so hard for me to see it.
I stare at it, talk it through, and analyze it,
But I’ll never feel it like you do.
And I’m sorry for that.
I’ll never understand your self-loathing
If I had to write about being bipolar,
I would write about the ups and downs.
How some days you feel like you are soaring
and others you feel like you are fifty feet underground.
My head space is dizzy
I feel lethargy
I don't know how to laugh
What is it I see?
I'm trying to remember
Thats there's somewhere to be
I can't feel my self
Feel what you see
The pain is not mine
It isn't yours
Who does it belong to
If not you or me?
It's better than pity
That lacks kindness and charity
The things that define us
can often make us worse,
but they can also make us better
we can grow,
like seeds after a forest fire
I want to see the stars
see past the fog
place my head above the clouds,
bathe in the light
I want to forget the dark
wrap myself in rich shades of blue,
You saw me in my time of need,
saw that I was a mess.
And soon the doctor said indeed,
that yes, I am depressed.
Simply put, you weren't surprised.
After all, you knew.
I don't understand.
somedays, smiling is easy.
and other days it's the hardest thing to do.
somedays, I can eat anything I want.
and other days I can't even look at food.
You say you know me
But you judge by the facade
The fake smile and nice disposition
The innocence and false confidence
*/
/*-->*/
I feel like I'm falling apart.
I'm breaking
Like glass, shattering on the floor.
After six months
(Sometimes
Two or three,
A day or a week,
Or even a year)
I wake up and
I don’t think about you.
(Proving to myself
There is a man quite dear to me
who I’ve known for many years.
He knows all of my feelings,
and understands my fears.
He lets me know what’s rational,
what’s within my expectations.
you
can lose yourself
in nothingness
if you want to
the number of times
i've done it myself
are countless
in the nothingness
you are numb
and feel nothing
Colors were bright
Spice was spicy
Sweet was sweet
Friends were fun
Life was life
And I was myself
But now it's different
I'm not sure what happened
My body is tired
and I sleep too much
There is no darkness
There are no lights
There is no blackness,
only white.
There is no future
without a past
And all my wounds,
will never last.
Look up kid, the stars are still in place, the moon hasn’t left,
there’s no pressure there. So stay, watch the sky. Just, stay.
Don’t hide, the leaves are changing and the field is dead,
1 cut
2 cut
3 cut
4…
I drop my metal savior to the floor…
My body turns cold and now I cry…
Because I know I made a mistake and now I’m dying…
My hands turn blue and my face is numb..
Grey face and blistered skin,
Looks like she is at it again.
Cold breath and shaky bones,
She cuts when she is home alone.
Knocks at the door, but she can't hear,
I was on my computer talking to some chick I barely knew. I can't remember the conversation, but it was a nice chat. She was surprisingly friendly.
Causing my brain to diminish or maybe my mind really is going or is my mental health truly my own worst enemy.
Dear every person who says that a mental illness is nota valid reason for not being able to attend school normally,
3 Girls that share a room31 Girls within the programThey all have different problemsThe 3 Girls they share 1...CUTTING.They go to each other for help.But when it comes down to it.
When I told her I didn't want to be friends anymore-That I was done with it (and her)-She cried.She begged.She asked why.And I tried to explain…But my founded reasoning fell onto deaf,
I unfold the paperThat holds the contentsOf just what I need.The blade is cold, smooth and sharp.Back and forth.
They don’t teach you not to be small.I’ve been in a million classrooms that teach us not to get too big and make sure we exercise enough.Never have I heard, “Don’t get too small.”
Rub against my skin, no more
Scars that don't form
From mistakes I made in the bathroom all alone
Wanting to be invisible
Needing to be seen.
Caught with a red line across my wrist and thigh,
Roses are redViolets are blueSugar is sweetYou are tooSmiling green eyesHeld thoughts friends couldn't seeLong sleeve shirtsHeld wounds you did not need
As my hope wears so thin,
More lines appear on my skin,
I draw them with silver,
But then they turn red,
Magic maybe?
No it's just in my head,
There's a monster in me,
Trying to get out,
Who do i actually do my poems for? Is it for me, my parents, or the girl next door? You know the one that tries to hide the cuts on her arms. She is physically as well as mentally scarred.
She sits in the corner in the dark
She cries when she tries to hide
She sits in solitude without a spark
The funny thing about day time,
Is that when the light is brightness,
The shadows are darkest,
The funny thing about depression,
Is its absolute starkness,
The extreme in difference between happy and sad,
Little did I know that I committed a sin against my own race for my dialect and skin
The way I was, was apparently all wrong and I shake my head when my father finally clarified my mistake
Confused,
staring into space
looking for something,
something to stop the pain
Suddenly,
there it is, in my hand.
Fingers twirl
a shiny new blade
Slowly,
The castle walls surround me,
a magnificent beauty all around,
but not a soul is to be found.
I am alone in this wonderful beauty.
I try to end this maddening isolation,
You saved 'em from the knife, from the pills, from the booze
From slaughtering a beauty and all they had to lose
All it took to rescue was a few innocent words
A reassuring smile was the most clearly heard
Don't
Don't push
Don't push me
I'm falling
I don't need you to catch me
I don't want to depend on you
I'm
I'm tired
I'm tired of pain
So I'm tired of you
But
But I
Unicorn and Dragon,
Water to heal,
Soul refreshed.
Girly,
Childish,
But so beautiful.
This
Lurked within me
This
Let me heal.
At any given moment you could ask me what's on my mind
and I could give you a categorized list with bullet points to spare
left blank for the few memories that are climbing out of bed
I grew up in America.
I grew up in England.
I grew up in a Massachusettes hospital.
I fell in love with
Romance
At a young age.
Didn't see it much
Growing up,
when i tell you my heart is breaking and my wrists are shattering under the fists of a mental illness.
just.
listen.
coarse blue fabric against my fingertips
am i real?
long fingernails claw into fragile skin (right underneath black ink flowers and symbols of Christ)
“i pressed my face to the space between your neck and kissed you softly with chapped lips. (you were laughing and texting and trying to take my mind out of the dark)
i dragged my fingernails lightly across your tattooed arm.
You wear vans
In the dead of winter
Through sleet and snow
Those canvas kicks
Damp and ragged
From years of treacherous walks
In damp grass
And the rainy wood
Across from your house
It is both a curse and a blessing to feel things so deeply.
To take on the gravity of a burden or the flight of a fancy.
Both within herself and from those she cares for, as they live around her.
Today,
Depression is synonymous with crazy.
My mother treats me like
A live bomb,
Ready to explode at any minute.
She tells me that I need the meds again
Because I’ve been “too irritable lately”.
"Do close your eyes and awaken from the pain
Re-read the tears separated from rain
Mi, only mi, will tell you when your sane,"
Father has told me, once and again.
She thought she was pretty until society told her she was worthless.
She didn’t fit the description of beauty,
All because she was different.
Her braid falls softly to one side
Silently she listens,
She’s always been good at that.
Arms crossed,
Trying to thing,
About a better tomorrow;
A better today.
Congratulations,
You did exactly word for word what you were told.
Never went against the grain, never did anything you weren’t told to do.
How does it make you feel?
Pretty good right,
One mistake,will you ever let me forget it...I understand what I did was wrongI understand I disappointed you.But hey lets think of it this way,what else is new?
How do I be myself?
You tell me how…
You tell me what to do every day…
School.
Then work.
How can I be me?
When I’m always going what I’m told to do.
And only that.
Retard
A word of six letters
So casually said.
Not often thought of,
But easily read.
Yes, I know it means 'slow',
And I know you don't care.
Paint my smile
Rouge my cheeks
Take the darkness from my face
Soothe my thoughts
Heal my fractures
Take the darkness from my mind
Life my spirits
Cheer my heart
Afraid of a white suit and plastic hands
We succumb to the thoughts of midnight
Internal, we burn deep and scarred
We cover them up by the amber morning
Not understanding the source of these words
Rosy were of her lavish cheeks,
What a shadow the flourescent moonlight leaves
Complimented by the icy crystals traveling down in trails towards her heart
It's a wonder how such chaotic strife can be such beautiful art
Am I going insane?
feels like i'm in another dimension.
Stop, get out of your head,
you have to pay attention.
Surrounded by your classmates,
but feel alone all day.
Dismissal bell means nothing,
Weep not for me
BUt be glad
I am free
From a life sad
When dawn comes
And I cease to be
Remember my warmth
When you remember me
Oh Fate-Oh Fate
If I could kiss every malady from the cells on your heart
And the neurons in your brains
Then my mouth would turn red and bloody raw
Because I would not stop until all were healed.
How are you doing?
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Pretty well, thanks.
Okay.
Alright.
You know.
All too ready for the weekend, you know?
All too ready for the end of the day, you know?
a little girl just barely three,
sits reading beneath a tree,
the other kids scamper and run around,
that poor little girl dares not make a sound,
she turn the page and blocks it all out,
Hamlet,
i’ve always said i’ll never bear a son or daughter,
or any being in between,
or nothing of the combination;
but i wonder if that’s the key
to replenish the life in me,
to grow my flower;
It is a circle
Big and wide as the sun.
But for me,
Its a strand
A strand I'm loosing my grip on.
Slowly I slip
I can't regain my grip
I fall,
And suddely,
Suicide is not an option,
Yet some people see it as their only choice.
How can anyone believe the world is better off without them?
The pain does not go away;
It just passes on to your loved ones,
I wish I could cry properly.
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror
Staring deep into myself
Picturing the most impossibly
Dead image
Trying to push the tears out
Feeling absolutely no moisture
What is there to do
When I'm crushed
Suffocated
Torn apart by loneliness
People passing all around
Yet here I stand
All alone in this ocean
A sea of society
Happy thoughts don't exist.
Nobody tries to understand.
There's always an unkown twist,
I'm on my last strand.
I'm drifting away,
hearing the voices.
As the people try & pray,
Ticking, he was a ticking time bomb.
Irrational, maybe, but he couldn’t help it.
Controlled by emotions he misunderstood within him.
Kicking the broken pieces of himself.
My insecurities has taken Over all things me I can feel the change in my mind the hurt in my heart I no longer believe the words that are said I'm dead In the inside with no hopes of coming back you have broke me down to my last there is nothing
I crave you in my deepest depressions. I fear you in brightest highs. In my midst of finding who I am and who I want to be, I get the sense of something going wrong. You call my name before I can even try to fix the broken pieces.
Picture this:There are two mason jars on the counternext to the cash register of your localconvenience store. One says: “Johnnyhas been diagnosed with stage 1 cancer”,and the other says, “Please, help!
She believes.
She believes in an unspoken rule. She trusts it, loves it.
She lives by it.
She is shamed when she tries to think for herself, even if it is to believe.
That night I had caught your eye a few times,
but I was choking on my insecurity,
words wrapping tightly around my throat.
So instead you watched me with an intense gaze
The moment you crawled from the warmth of your mother’s wombis the moment that everything changed, though you didn’t realize it.
In fifth gradeI ate rotten meatbecause a ten year oldcannot hate themselves.
In sixth grademy dad left for the sixthand the final timeand I started blacking outfrom trying to hunt him down
Bombs all around me
Shrapnel hits my skin
I can feel my life fading
I’m about to give in
Then my Corpsman came
I hear a faint dissonance travel
You again, in homely tears
I am the wet nurse at your disposal;
So, let me be drained by the frenzy of desperation . . . .
Crusade along the barren land,
The glass spreads
in my sight, shimmering.
It’s so smooth and still
I can see my face. And
so I sit on the banks
of the stagnant world
below me and close my
eyes. I listen to the
I don't remember how it started, but if I did
I would imagine it to be like a fog
twisting and pulsating within
the confinements of my brain
A speck
Of dust smudged between "I'm tired" and
One of the brightest students
they call me
though they do not see the darkness
clouding my mind
Want to make everyone happy
they say about me
though they do not see
Shit you can’t say to your teacher:
“I’m tired,”
For she will think you didn’t sleep enough last night.
“I’m really distracted,”
For she will think you have no interest in learning.
Hey, teach,
I wanted you to know something
I wanted to tell you all about the kind of shit I’ve been through over the years
How I’ve seen the inside of the psychiatric ward and made friends with the other kids there
life happens once
we all die in the end
really often I wonder
if my choices can bend
lo, reader, read close and let me explain
I see life as if it's fanned out on a plane
I will not
I will not
These words repeat in my head
Over and over and over
I will not cry
Not in front of you I must be strong
Because if I’m not strong then who will be
Words on paper
Words on paper
Paper that cuts
Paper that wrinkles
Teacher cant teach
Teacher cant teach
Why am I here...
Racing mind and nonstop motion
Shaking legs and bitten nails
Painful head and shortened breaths
You just need to last until the break
cramming for your GPA's sake
You twitch and you cringe and you tweak
and crack and you break and you freak
You learn for the moment, not for retention
the flourescent lightson her iridescent skinreveal the railroad tracksof her train with no brakes"all aboard," the ageless conductor criesshe climbs in.
Save me from the dark
And help me see the light
Save me from what's wrong
And help me put things right
Save me from my demons
And help me find the fight
Save me from the pain I feel
They tell me that I'm crazy
But I don't think I am
People whisper about me when I walk by
Sometimes they even stop to stare
It doesn't bother me much anymore
Not like it used to
Peaks of good and bad
Patterned patches of plaid
Life clenches us in its hands
We must pay for what life demands
For if we do not
LIfe will leave us out to rot
It can loosen its hold
I see a girl
Thin lips, smiling
Though her eyes are sinking
falling, lifeless
I can tell she goes to bed
far after the stars fall asleep
and lies there, frightened
Some call it crazy,
Some say it’s sick,
but I think it’s freedom,
the pain is fierce, but quick.
Some say that it’s a sin,
just a little to risqué.
But it helps to release the pain
Life is a prison
Won’t someone let me out?
There’s no one around
To hear when I shout.
Climb the walls of insanity
Jump into the pit of despair.
If I fall it won’t matter
My toes touch the edge,
I look down.
I see the darkness
beneath the ground.
I look up,
searching for light.
All I see is darkness
deep in the night.
In a life full of sorrow and strife,
The only thing I want to do is hold the knife.
The knife that cuts, the knife that scars,
The knife that stops most of the wars.
The wars inside, the fights on the out.
The slits on her wrist,
The burns on her calf.
Not eating for weeks,
Hating herself.
These are not things to glorify,
They should not able to.
Be seen clearly,
I tore the words "Once Upon a Time"
Traced the letters "O" "U" "T"
Folded it up all nice and neatly,
Kept it in my breast pocket for my heart to see,
Then the words caught fire,
They fell away to ash,
To hear, if only I could hear. To hear those words so soft and fruitful. To hears suchwords when I am youthful. Time goes by and so does this rhyme, but riddle me this,
The ones who can help but do not,say they understand andthey say it will passor it was our own faultthey understand nothing. Those who cannot help but try,know how we writhe the emotions and physical sensationswe cannot articulate, though we trywe
Through paper thin walls,
I watch as you slowly fall,
With your kness down to the ground,
And with eyes downcast, I can hear every sound.
As the clock ticks away the time,
I am just a little girl,
A tiny little thing.
I've got a scary monster,
Hidden within.
The monsters came out,
From under my bed,
And those monsters crawled out
And into my head.
I'm killing myself,
I know.
Each time the knife hits my skin.
The teachers don't care,
The students just stare.
The nurse just told me to pray.
They send me away,
To not deal with my shit,
We live for today, die for tomorrow
Our soul sits in a puddle of sorrow
Wait till dawn to repent
The world has turn its back because of our sins
Never bite the hand that feeds
"Take your fish oils."Despite them and the yellow particles I breathed in,I lived in sin.Guilt smugly unwound its coils;It had become an expert in multitasking.
You don't know me.
Not like you should.
Not like a mother should.
But how could you when I've shut you out?
Having been broken too many times.
How could you know my heart
When I've hidden it so well?
Her lips get blacker and blacker,
And the more they do, the more she masks them with red lipstick
She claims she's got no worries...no regrets,
but she suppresses each grudge as she inhales another cigarette,
We are His child.He knows our name.We ask, "Why?"He replies, " Hush my child."We don't understand.He holds us in His arms.We've failed.He loves.
Everything is overseenWind blows through the treesI see the gleam from the rain drops on the leavesThe grass a shade of greenSo peaceful So siren Grey clouds stream In the sky
i just need to vent .
this life is suppose to be well worth spent .
but as of now it makes no sense .
arguing and fighting and throwing a fit.
but really is it worth it ?
My brain is on fire,
I have no desire,
To live a life in this world.
Looking back to see what I've done,
I take a glance, my accomplishments are none.
Looking at people who look past me,
While holding her belly she tries to hide
From the horrid stares as she walks by
Traumatized eyes glare as she wishes the day would end
For she’s too humiliated to face those she called “friends”
You promised we would be together forever
I guess forever isn't such a long time
White lies and night cries
You take but never give
I give but never live
You say you love me
But you left me.....
In that moment I lost it allI lost all hope, all beauty to the eyeI even lost curiosity on the last personthat stretched my mindEverything began to resemble a rockworthless, pointless, just taking up space
The tides of life take me high and low,One moment I can dip deep into the abyss or into the heights of the sky.
I'm lost,
Lost in a realm where though time is a deciding factor
It remains unrecognized for the world know.
Is one unshown in its happily ever
As the pedals fall from its own start
I have a dream,
Similar to Martin Luther King,
I want us all to succeed.
The words, "We have finally made it" to be uttered through our hearts,
Shared by
Our differences,
I can’t tell him
“No, I don’t understand”
Because he’s sighing at me
Looking over glasses at me
As I break down in his office
I can’t tell him
“Please, explain it to me”
If her body temp's over one hundred degrees,
she can stay home from class, get out of jail free.
Got her wisdom teeth out? She'll pop some pills,
she has an excuse, and no one doubts she's ill
Your eyes are not like oceansNor is your laugh like the tinkling of bells
You are made of flesh and bloodNot some backwards metaphor
Teachers don’t seem to understand anxiety,
They put us in front of a room of staring eyes waiting undeniably,
We are supposed to speak eloquent words full of meaning and substance,
You start out thinking this year will be the one,
I will actually make an effort, not leave and be done.
Two weeks in and your thoughts have changed,
But when you felt ready to shake apart,
when the cold hands of fear gripped your heart.
Did you not then beg for aid?
Because you could never walk the path already laid.
And grass cut your voice thin,
I want to tell you
How much I care
About your broken green bottle
How much I care about the sea
And dandelions
And cracks in the sidewalk
Like you do
Last week in my English class,
a debate began, one in which
I did not want to be present.
As I walk into school,
I feel everyone’s eyes on me
They burn holes through my skin,
And their glances pierce my stomach
Darkness lies inside my mindCoiling around my soulScarce are those who are kindCausing me to not find my roll
I sit here letting out silent pleas
With the blood that I bleed.
I cut myself, once again,
Hoping that it will cause my heart to bend
Bend yet not break
But in the end, I can barely keep myself awake.
It was September of '08 when I went into depressionNo other emotions other than sadness and agressionI lost two people in my lives that monthMy nana from cancerAnd my step-father who was cheating on my mom for months
You came back changed, I don't know you anymore.
You don't even know yourself anymore,
where did you go?
You left yourself across seas and he's scared,
it's just the wounds of war.
Sadness is strong a feeling
Sadness is a weary feeling,
It comes and feels like it won’t go away.
Sadness is a heavy feeling.
You're not really sick!
You just want attention!
You just want to be treated differently!
That's what they cry
Their words becoming sticks and stones
That break my soul, mind, and bones
Can’t stand this feeling anymore
So much built up inside just eating away
Burning all the way to the core
Feel like my whole life is starting to fade
You ask why, but I cant give the real answer
The story cant be heard
No its not correct to say the things that happened
Get personal,
NEVER! Its inappropriate..
But what if my story defines me
Life can flow,
Life can stop,
But don't you dare waste one drop,
For Life is Precious,
And Life is Blessed,
If you just end it you're guaranteed to be missed,
Life is like water,
The tears creep down my faceAs I watch him saunter awayAt an unsteady pace.I never wanted it to be this way. I look at my phone,Look at his ring.The tender loving boy I had known The song we once sang, he ceased to sing. The heart throbbing words
It's 3 in the morning
My parents are sleeping
My sister is dreaming
The dogs are howling
It's 3 in the morning
And the wind keeps blowing
The earth keeps spinning
The people are living
Agoraphobia
Fear of large crowds
I'm pressed up against them, and I can't
Anxiety
Unpleasant state of inner turmoil
I can't help but think of what's to come
Depression
A state of low mood
I believed in once upon a timeuntil I put down the bookI believed in a happy familyuntil my family broke apartI believed in myselfuntil I was torn downPeople told me
When it comes to Annie,
She’s that friend,
That no one wants.
She’s that friend,
That I don’t want,
She’s always there,
To constantly taunt.
And here it is,
Why can't you hear me ?
Am I not loud enough
Don't you hear my thoughts
Striking the sides of my mind with such brutal force
Telling me that a slippery slope is the quickest way down
There are secrets—Well, there are always secrets.
But there are secrets that lie in wait for me. They lie just below the surface.
I will not begin with,
“Once Upon a Time,”
To paint this as a fairytale,
Would be a sin, a crime,
Nay, this is a story,
Tried and true,
New and old,
Borrowed and blue,
I hold the silver over flesh and feel the sting of thorns.It seems like there was no damage.Ah, there it is.
Waves ebb and flow.
My mind is a beach,
Emotions come and go.
Some are as salty as the sea,
Others reveal the bright white sand underneath.
Right now, it is winter in my head,
I place the weight of my body onto a jagged rock on top of a mountain.
With my head turned to the left, the breeze brushes my cheeks.
Just one step and…gone
Maybe in an instant
Maybe after a few minutes
Gone
Maybe it will be like the movies
She
Looks for
Hope when she
Is in pain. But hope
Seems to run away because
You can't find something if you
Don't believe in it. She starts to lose
Her battle against her misery. The voices
She cries and breathes heavilyNo one understands her.She has tried over and over againTo fit in.
And yet when she walks down the hallwaysShe holds her books closerAs her so called peers look down on her.
Feeling great
I just got back from a date
But have not always been this way
Sure now I am ok
But there was a lot to mend
There was a point in my life I wanted it all to end.
Vulerable, Alone, Unstable.
Without the makeup, you can't make a smile
You can only cry because you don't have your costume.
Desparate
As you look for a way out
Darkness
Because you don't see the light
Miss Shadows portrail
is what I consider betrail
because she looks nothing like me.
Miss Shadow sits
as my mind throws fits
so calm,
I can't imagine why.
They say time heals all wounds
But what if that isn’t true
Wounds eventually turn into scars
And time can’t heal a mark that lasts forever
Because whenever you look down, there it is
Someone is yelling in my dreams as I rest.Someone I don't like: with feelings I've surpressed.They tell my I'm strong on the surface,But as for my soul, It has no purpose.Someone who gets me in trouble,
A girl stands directly in front of me.
Her eyes follow mine as she begins to smile.
I desire to know more.
I look closer and see the pain that she keeps hidden.
Her soul consists of emptiness.
Broken girl, going around with that fake little smile as she says "im good." It's a lie, she goes home just to cry. She runs miles a day in the rain, in a sweater. Just to lose the pounds shes gained.
We are both earthquakes
because we are scared
and I don’t think I can kiss the moon beams
anymore.
My lips
have become raw
and bruised
and scabbed
from whispering your name.
I wish I could tell you then, how much I really love you.
You became less important, as my love for others grew.
You are a true gift, a blessing indeed; I wish I knew that then
Being diagnosed was tough
Being unknown was worse.
From here it can only get better,
with the right tools and a little good luck.
Optimism will be my guide.
This will be with me
forever
A pressure to burnSpilling over, through my eyesSo I run, for a place to find sanction.And it's dirty, and lonely, and sick, (just like me)this is the perfect placeto find my own goD--
Sadness is some thing that often over takes my soul.
I feel a empty ness inside myself and can't break it,
I cry as the sadness pounds on me from all around, and can't seem to shake it.
A girl wanting more,
Struggled with self confidence,
Bound to her own thoughts.
Thoughts that destroyed her.
Shouting that there is no hope,
Refusing to stop.
Yet something remained,
How will I die?
Will I die by fire?
Will it be the tumbling of an empire?
Maybe I will drown.
Or get shot up in town.
These are all possibilities.
But I know which will happen.
How could it eat you alive,
look through your eyes
and control your every move.
Your poor soul was taken with the
She walks alone,
She eats alone ,
She doesnt talk much,
might just say a simple hello,
occationally She smiles,
but She smilles at The Tree,
for She can talk to it,
and it can talk to she,
the first thing you should know is that I know you didn't plan for your life to be this way.
you were not a child who dreamt of life trapped in the four mint colored walls of a hospital room.
I'd take It all.
Every one that you have ever had.
You'd never experiene It;
Think of what life would be like!
All of It.
Gone.
It wouldn't happen with a snap of a finger.
Shadows are dark
So it's easy to hide
Because it is so afraid
Of showing itself on the outside
Shadows could be around people
Shadows could be found behind anything
Found behind boxes
O solar flares. Take me away from this terrible place where loved ones turn on you. Solar flare, why don't u come a little closer. Don't be afraid. Take all my troubles away.
Alone lost in the abyss
Towering figures lack of grace
Brute actions hidden in a subtle pace
Movements that burn away
The euphoria of nostalgia
Time is but a fatal tease
Oh please oh please cease
I write because I am sick, because I am always filled with anger and sadness.Typing my heart and soul out through these keys onto this screen and now in your mind is how I can slowly save myself.
If you were to stare into my soul
where the feelings are mixed in a bowl
you'd be in agony and tears
not like my peers
with no words to explain all the sadness
Tearstained face from all the stress,
Tired of being caught up in this mess.
Faded scars on my skin,
Memories appearing again and again.
The first time I was attacked I was nine years old
They liked to call me an 'it'
And blamed me for killing the class plants growing by the windowsill.
Later on in the year my teacher left the room for ten minutes
The darkness
it swells up like a wave
getting taller every second
it looms ominously over my head
and then
suddenly
it crashes down and engulfs me
making everything
dark
I noted today that hope oft dissipates to the cloudsIs that because it's where dreams are found?A forlon sigh that travels the windWill surely find freedom come world's end
All I see in this world,
is blue
having no one to confide in you
you find yourself inapt to do
the things you wish to find and sew.
Pieces left to rot and dew
the minds who have not a clue
Show me how you bleed,
I will bleed out in your place and kiss your aching heart.
Teach me how you sin,
I will sin twice as much and embrace your broken soul.
This disease is stealing you away from everybody you care about
inability to disclose
you need help but you can't accept it
too proud to take anybody's hand
or to admit defeat
and then with poetic justice
Here I am watching the rain whip through the window
The water seeps in the cracks of the thirsty hard wood floor
My face is soaking wet as I stand by the window, watching you leave
I don’t know what got me here… I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know who brought me… the last thing I remember is saying goodbye world.
You really think it’s hard to live in blue?
I wish you the best in finding yellow.
You should shoot for pink in its harshest hue,
or mint green, I heard it keeps you mellow.
You’re much too old for orange’s energy,
Mirror, o' mirror
Clung upon my wall.
Reveal unto me Life
Or, blessed Death shall befall!
A Frankenstein of thought
Molded by the Divine.
A Mad hatters’ noxious creation,
Through and through the lines were blue
The paper, white; the pencil, new
Each stroke the artist made gave way
To new creations everyday
All her life, she drew and drew
Pain, Torment, Hurt, Sorrow, Emptiness
Feelings I experience everyday
There is no way to describe
Let them wash away and happiness stay
You're tired.
Each day weighs heavily on your tongue.
Where do you go? What do you do? Who do you become?
You stumble into a yellowing kitchen.
Cupboard doors hang onto their hinges with tremulous grips.
and you lie awake at night listening to the sweet stars whispering sweet lies.the bright Darkness of the nightsky glaring down at you.
I write the words i cannot say. I write them with tears on every page. I have thoughts i keep to myself. People used to worry about my health. I fund pen and paper. I write down every event that may occur. I write to express.
What eats me up inside, is what is keeping me sane.
What eats me up inside, is what is keeping me insane.
Living with such conditions is not a choice, but a blessing.
My father is an alcoholic.
My mother's love is harsh.
When I talk, nothing I say is heard
The only thing keeping me sane is my writing.
It's my outlet when everything is going downhill.
I sit with a post it,
Willing the words from my sophomoric mind,
And they do not come,
For I have nothing to say.
There's something less than vaguely human on this face
Something that speaks to terror and violence and hands curled as claws in the night, muscles twitching for blood
She walked and walked, appearing to enjoy life,
But no one noticed her cuts and her strife.
She stayed up one night thinking about an unreachable bliss,
And she cried as she watched the blood drip from her wrist.
Visitation Day
A long hall with locked doors on either end
Some unfamiliar face through a window has to buzz you in
Why I Write?
What kind of question is that?
Why do you breathe?
Why do you speak?
Why do you sit there and think?
Some Dance and sing
Some Do math and physics
Wandering Words
A violin has potential to awaken a heart with her lovely tune
Just as words have the potential
To free someone
The pain that I felt over the years
The kind that brought those silent tears
The more I saw my heart break
The less of a women in myself I thought I could make
Many times I thought I fought my love
There once was a girl
With long brown hair
With bright blue eyes
And skin so fair
There once was a girl
With tears in her eyes
With a blade in her hand
And shaken with cries
Before, I had nothing.
An empty bottle of ink; no quill.
Endless. White. Space.
Before, I was silent.
a pin cushion to prick.
a bag to punch.
no sound, just space.
Before, my emotions hurt.
Broken streets mind is forced to travel,
Empty soul enforced to search.
Trembling hands hunt for redemption,
Merely paper they unearth.
Lips begin to quiver
As crystal escapes at last,
I've never been the girl who was alone.
I always had a friend by my side,
walking down the halls in school,
over summer break in the park,
there was always someone who asked me to come.
Carlyn Frye
Why I Write Scholarship
08/10/2013
Troubling Inspiration
Married, four kids, a big household
Working for a company with a huge work load
He writes poetry,
He writes art.
Poetry brings out the loud voice within him,
Poetry was the elation he needed during those dark moments in high school.
Yes, poetry was his anti-depressant. His drug.
The 5 senses I was blessed with became my curse
I saw, I felt, I smelled, I heard, i tasted what my life offered me
My hopes, thoughts, and dreams became deflected
A star-studded calendar and meeting the sun every day at seven cannot curve the blowOf the fact that we are learning the unspoken of moving apart.I miss you.
For so long i struggled with unhappiness.
Looking into the mirror, wishing the pigment of my skin was just a tad bit fairer
That if so life would be a lot easier.
For me, just living wasn't even worth it
I am from a big city to a small town.
I am from the green eyes of my broken hearted mother.
I am from the epileptic father,
taken hours after my birth.
I am from the drunken, broken promises of my step father.
When so many things
are going through my head
I use Poetry to get them out
or it'll come out in the wrong way
The only acting I'm good at
is when I write
I can play a killer, an outcast,
As I sit in my room I ponder the many reasons why I write.
A ponder and wonder and think for a moment.
I have many reasons, and I shall try to be contrite....
I write to escape.
Poetry
What it meant to me before
Just words written in a stanza
With rhymes and patterns
I knew that they’re art expressed in words
I am seventeen,
and I have never met one as young as me
to suffer from PTSD.
All I want is attention.
I just cause tension.
I'm faking it.
Exaggerating it.
My struggles are hard to muster
I feel like nobody understands me
My struggles dull my luster
like rust to something shiny
I though I was a normal kid
living the suburban life
Now I'm black man
Disappointment ‘round every corner
Burnt bridges unsafe to venture
No top hats like the frog of Warner
Just utter sadness, until the need for dentures
Pitiful attempts to leave the nest
I write to bleed emotion on this blank piece of tree,to connect to the depths in my mind understnading why.
When I am hurt
Words flow from my mind
Like blood flows from a cut
My mind is raw like my skin
My mind hurts like a wound
Pain radiates to my heart
My hand move quick
Ink stains paper
My mind wanders to the peeling paint
To the bleeding stars in the night sky
My eyes scan the bland nothingness
My lips murmur to the silence
There's soft music in the darkness
An entire concert in my ear
She tried to console me but her arms felt like chains, they were cold and skinny and mean like chains.
I told her she didn't care and I meant it, I felt that she was never there and I believed it.
I am the heart of my house now, i've become the very soul of this dark place.
The water of the dripping faucet is my tears and the lifeless broken mirror is my face.
I am the walls, plain, worn, and bare.
OH, EXCUSE ME
Let me dig myself a hole,
lace it with insincerity and senioritis
and fill it to the brim with misery
Allow me to proceed
to throw myself in this vacancy in the ground
No one can see the pain,
Lurking behind her smile.
No one knows what she tells herself
Late at night.
No one knows the real story of
The scars up and down her arm.
No one can fathom the hell
Do you know what it's like
To be in this world alone?
To be so different
That no one understands?
As I wish upon the stars
For the very first time
I stand there
Like time is mine
The night flies past meMocking my sanityI scream silentlyPleading to the moon
My cries fall upon deaf earsI am again left to my selfWho is this with meA person I do not know
I write not because it makes me feel special,
Not because it makes me feel scholarly,
But because it’s my one bit of air that I gasp in
Before the tidal wave comes crashing down over my head,
Drowning
Depression hurts It is not the latest trend to be snapped up by the eager massesIt is a false faced monster that swallows up its prey without mercyIt is not a pretty jewel to add to a crowned head
Put on the makeup. Dry your tears. Smile for the camera. Don't ever tell anyone. Everyone already knows. He hit you again last night. He'll hit you again tonight, like every night before, and every night to come. Leave him you tell yourself.
Friday
I need to deposit this check and I need to buy food.
But I fear the banker’s scowl and that cashier who was rude.
I forget the proper way to fill in the deposit slip
You think you know fear?
Demons, ghosts, and possessions?
You know nothing of fear.
Fear is hearing the click from the other end of the phone,
When your best friend just admitted to swallowing the pills.
For too long, anxiety and depression have been the rulers of my life.
A ruthless king and his queen, with faces of iron and eyes of flame.
Trauma is the groom, waiting for PTSD, his soon-to-be wife.
In the darkness and the rain,My life will never be the same.The driver crossed into my lane,And for my trauma is to blame.
The darkness encloses slowly,
Circling my mind and keeping
Me from feeling anything.
Why am I always so alone?
Secretly weeping a river
Of memories to slip,
I’m succumbing
Giving into the urge.
I want to stop.
Pause.
Why do I breathe,
When every gasp burns my throat?
I can’t find myself
And I’ve already lost you.
She comes fast, speeding down the left wing board. A shot, a rocket, to my new facemask. Blackness. Ringing in my ears. No pain. Lord, I do not trust myself to stand. The task At hand – “Cover it” – a voice far away.
The mind is never a wasteland
And even without a helping hand
The ultimate defense is to withstand
And for happiness to be a demand.
This is the youth of our nation
Eagerly seeking salvation
anger with frustration
is a nasty combination
with a little confusion
and you mind will cave in
head simply spinning
can't concentrate
forget the date
and run in hell's direction
They always tell you not to cry over spilled milk,
for better fortunes will follow,
and all will be okay.
But sometimes, when the cup is tipped over,
the situation does not just concern the dropped drink,
Let's clear up some misconceptions about being
depressed.
It's not too outlandish an idea to reconginze that
getting better
cannot be equated with
therapy.
Depression is a hunger for something lost or
My ma always told me to take my medicine so I would grow big and strong
I take my pills everymorning for my heart, my back and my mind
She also mentioned something about medicine for my brain and doing so was not wrong
If words were whips
that stung the flesh
and left the prisioner craving death
would you dare
to care
at all?
If names were knives
that scarred the face
and stung the wounds
It would appear pretentious
If I said I needed to write to live
Because that can be disproven by a child
But there are some things in life that may not be essential
That we can surely live without
I was introduced to poetry in the everyday mentions of the topic
though it never intrigued me until quite recently.
One of my best friends has always written,
though she never wrote poetry - just stories.
the cuts you make are little secrets,
and the longer their duration,
the more intimately familiar you become with them.
you know the feel of each and how many are on
each arm, each knee, each calf.
Help me!Help me!Can't you hear my scream!?The pounding of my heart -the grinding of my teeth!?Dear goodness,somebody please!My Anixiety it's eating me!
Every day is spent imprisoned in my own body
I try to change, but nobody ever sees me
Wishing things would go my way, but
knowing they never will
I would like to welcome you to my hell
I can’t wear a smile. They’re too bright,
I’m more of a frown, it’s more of my style.
I’m blessed, but I’m stressed as you can see.
Mind stuck on shit it shouldn’t be.
Concerned with fam, confused about friends,
You were the reason for romantic fantasies
You were the reason for warm and comforting hugs
You were the reason for constant daydreams
You were the reason for soft kisses and love
You were the reason for kindness
As I lay waiting for sleep I pray.
I pray for a glimmer of light in a sea of darkness.
For the fear to end
Look in a mirror and see a monster
The hate inside, fighting to take control
In school they don’t see, at least not really
They see a person not a monster
I see so much of him inside of me
She wears a heart on her sleeve
Permanent red staining her skin
A delicate etching on a sensitive nerve
She loves her wrists, she says
She loves herself
And will not
Give in
To the temptation to
I am the artist’s greatest joy
Five foot five and 1/62 ” wide-
A paper doll cut out from a stencil,
So thin and flat
That anyone can take the lightest lead
And pencil in my features.
And I let them.
Cold
Stops the beating heart
And Ice
Freezes the soul.
With every step the
Flowers frost, the
Plants perish, the
Singing ceases, the
Living die.
In the wake of those footprints
The tumultuous ocean of my mind
Seems to ebb and flow with the moon,
Cycling through high and low tides
That all the while wear away the sands of time
On the coasts of my consciousness.
It’s not for myself, but for
You
That I will stay strong.
Any remaining morsel of self-worth
Has fled
But I will not hurt you
Again.
I swear on my very
Life
The sorrow stitched into my soul
Became not part, but all my whole.
The worry woven in my wounds
Has locked the doors that seal my tomb.
The little lies that line my loom
Detail my future and my doom.
Today’s choice is a symphony in C minor
With sorrow dripping from each stem
In staccato stabs into my heart.
A legato frowns over the mournful melody,
Smoothly, sweetly singing me sins
Ayer, yo tenía la confianza
Para ver el sol arriba;
Pero ahora la luz
Es demasiada brillante para los ojos
Y veo las sombras
Cabizbaja.
Antes, yo esperaba
Como la madrugada en el horizonte;
Everyone wants battle scars that
Show they survived the fight
But battles fought inside the heart
Are rarely black and white.
Alone in shallow consciousness
I’m drowning
Only Life accompanies me,
Shoving my head under so I
Can’t breathe.
No one needs you, Life tells me.
You are useless, truly.
A decaying utopia of tragedies,
Each fate befalling faster than the first
Each man ending up a little more alone
A little more forgotten in his plight
I'm falling, fading
But I've already done this.
Black glass
Chasing the past
Future.
Unsure, no cure
No sense but suspense
Only not.
Nothing, pure and new.
I haven't got a clue.
Of the darkness
emerging from
our souls, beyond
threshold of
the black mire
falling
headfirst
into the pits
dying, our souls
The night’s young but the tide is high
The black skies that petrify
Lying on the shore I let the tide engulf me
The ice cold embrace of the water drags me down
Sinking like a stone I submit to the water’s grip
As the snow falls I feel the memories fade
We're given a slate of time that can't be erased
We're lulled-
Into the cadence of life and the thought of love Herself.
As the ice forms on the window pane
Screams shout from the soul. Dark demons fill the air. A hundred pieces of broken glass to walk upon. No where to go, lost, trapped. Stuck at the bottom, no way out. Help! No one hears, no one cares. The light is ever fading.
I was a Stopper, a panic, a coil,
Watching. With Awe. as my life would spoil
Away with fear as I lay in my slumber.
Falsely believing my days were numbered.
Drowning in black.
Pulling me back is the red
The rage that brings around my head
The blood to bring about the blue flood,
Not of tears, but of a flimsy handle on my fears
Immortal souls don't last forever.
They are taken by greed.
Frozen in time and space.
Never changing.
Ceasing to live.
Fairytales A jack-in-a-box waiting to be cranked A wand waiting to grant a wish A tutu to cover the too, too many handprints on her legs Twirling around endlessly like the ceiling fan above her head Around a train track, a train that is missing a
It strikes midnight, and I’m home alone
My parents have yet to return from work
Paranoia kicks in, and as I turn to stone
I hear a voice and slow footsteps lurk
Round the bend, Round the bend,
They say I’ve gone round the bend.
Off my rocker, off my rocker,
Frankly I’ve never been on a rocker.
On the outside, I may look normal,
Just like all the rest.
But inside, I am hurting,
My heart tearing in two,
From the voices in my mind,
That tell me what to do.
I can’t escape their orders,
I need to see my pain
I need to
I need to
Cry for help?
how
I just want it to go
away
disappear
be different.
If only
If only
If only I were stronger
Smarter
I can feel it in my heart
I can feel it in my soul
it's ripping me apart
what a terrible hole
The conflict never ceases
only increases
I can still feel the moist coolness of the damp earth on my bare feet from that summer.
I am lying on a wooden bench, my body so naturally pressing against its surface.
BLED OUT
This pale heart of mine
struggles with atony.
Paper curls rain down
from a fenestrated sky:
Reams of esoteric paeans
soon crumpled by bored scientists.
There are Voices.
In my head
In my heart
Around me.
Voices-
Degrade me
Humiliate me
Hurt me
Accuse me of my
Worthlessness,
Incompetence,
Make me feel like SHIT,
usually
Hold on there's so much here to live for.
Find strength to carry on and a will to live.
I've been there before, staring death in the face.
Wanting to go but wanting to stay, once you're underground you don't come back.
Drip
Drop
Will it ever stop?
The hurt
The pain
Blood dried on my shirt
And still nothing to gain
Why does the pain still persist?
My happiness is so greatly missed.
Inside I am screaming
I'm the shadow in a rainbow
I'm the anger in a smile
I'm a raincloud on a sunny day
The tenth number in a dial
Everyone comes from somewhere
You came from a mother with arms wide open offering you love and care and well my origin was not so nice and fluffy.
I had no mother just a maker who crafted me from metal and wood
As lonely as a twilight sky
That sees the sunlight slowly die,
I almost learn to say goodbye-
Darkness.
You sink so far and out of view
And though I try to follow you,
Your light recedes into the blue-
I fell in to a hole filled with dark voices
A hole full of dark voices
I fell in to a hole
They visit me in constricting dreams
And speak to me
I am not beautiful.
More like the Chernobyl accident
than a butterfly unfurling its wings.
I am radiation,
making the surrounding area unlivable,
still to this day.
I am stagnant,
vacant.
In my world
Yes, look at me.
It’s not all hugs and giggles or a candy sea
In my world,
There won’t be a rainbow or a pot of gold
I’m a bit more complex.
Let me show you a piece of my soul
November 26, 1997
A daughter is born
To a family of four
Immediately thrust into a competition with the first born
Who she soon learned to abhor.
You’re the most amazing person
You care for me and I care for you
Nobody has ever made me feel this way
I feel Butterflies in my stomach just looking at you
What am I feeling?
The girl-scouts came out giddy with joy
And proceeded to hang their birdy-house upon a lowly branch.
Two moments flashed a pausing void
And the scouts went in for lemonade passing the work of hands.
Breathing, but barely,
The ship sinks again.
Trying, but not fighting,
And done playing pretend.
Back to the brighter days,
Trust still lies.
I can't try to understand
as the last hope dies.
thinking of a message
a message clearly
drafted in your writing
"I miss you, dearly"
trying not look up
or give a smidgen
of any of these feelings
I'm not taking they're just given
You're so selfish,
entrail fish-
Sucking all my energy out on a daily basis.
Leaving me weak at my peak and
soundless, groundless…
slowly sinking…
Drive,
ambition, my motivation, my goal
my purpose in life, my sole
reason for surviving this internal struggle
This down and out state and multiple
thoughts I juggle
Inspire me beloved poetry,
surrounded in nothingness,
alone and lonely,
no place to call home but hell,
but if hell is my realm then what next may come,
asked I the suicidal bastard son,
The loop and bend of twisted knots
A self-accelerating lapse
One must forth and throttle through
This mess that he begot
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
I always die a little
In Fall
I guess
The autumn breezes
Just whisk away
My fragile hopes
And my broken dreams
And carry them someplace
Far away
And I am left
With the fears
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
A smile, a nod, some kind of love, a wink, a glance, a knowing smirk, a friend, a lover, a neighbor, a sister, a brother, a cousin, an aunt, a mother, an uncle, a father, a stranger, a phone call, a text, a profession, a secret, an invitation, a l
I’ve been there before.
In that dark place where the stark reality of life
is too much to bear and all that seems possible is
death. It has taken me
years to crawl out...
There are scars.
So many scars.
