I don't wanna feel this way
God, take this please
It's like a heavy black cloud has settled on me
A weight on my shoulders that I just can't lift
Every decision I make feels wrong
Always second guessing
Always regretting
This must be what it's like to experience depression
I know that I should choose
To reach for the light, to reach for You
Maybe some part of me likes this burden
Maybe somehow I think I deserve it
It's like everything around me is out of control
And I let the negativity take hold
Spent so long trying to push it back
Now it feels like I'm going to collapse
So many things I could do
So many paths to choose
Choice paralysis
I choose none of it
It's easier just to sleep.
God, help me to climb out
Don't want to be in this pit I keep finding myself
And I need Your help
I've been conditioned to think my opinions are wrong
I've made myself helpless, relying on others too long
I blame myself for everything
Put things in my mind a certain way, get upset when they don't happen
Drenched in fears from what I imagine
Pain so deep the old me couldn't fathom
Stuck in this never ending challenge
And all the hatred and all the tension
All the things we never mention
I get pushed around
This cold war's just as devastating even if no bombs hit the ground
It's a tug of war and I'm the rope
Struggling to hold onto my hope
Ocean storm and I'm the boat
Funny the emotions you go through over time
It starts with blaring anger, turns to sadness, turns resigned
Till I'm just flat and then all I have is lines
Cross my skin from the times I couldn't make the flaring anger die
It makes me want to cry
I can't deal with all this stupid crap every single time
Hate the anxiety
Hate this stupid mess
And all that's inside of me
Things I wish I could forget
And all the problems I can't fix
All the times I thought we were through with it
Thought the fights and the problems had finally come to an end
But they just manifest in new forms when they come back again
Till I can't be rid of them
I need an escape
Sometimes I just want to jump on a plane
Fly far away
To a place where nobody knows my name
Or a place where the people who know me are safe
Just want to forget the pain
Just want to go back to the way things were back in the day
Back when the sun quickly came
Back when every single stinking time it rained
I didn't fear that it would turn into a hurricane
And while we're making a list of all the things I hate
Let's add the self-destruction and external locus of blame
If you want something go get it
If you don't want it badly enough don't complain when you don't have it
Cycling back to old habits
Holding the pain in my fist, trying to outlast it
Losing every battle
I've always been the collateral
Now I just want an escape
See, I know I've got joy that can't be erased
No matter how many phony white smiles I have to paste
No matter how much of my cheerful persona is fake
It's in there because it comes from God and it can't be wiped away
No matter how many battles I face
Everyone makes mistakes
That's why He gives us His grace
I need to stop letting other people's actions get in my way
Need to stop fearing perceptions
Need to stop fearing rejection
Need to stop letting your black clouds be my obsession
God, help me to keep moving forward
Help me to keep reaching up
Keep looking ahead to a beautiful future
I know I can do it
I know You can use this
I know You will help me get through this
No matter how many bumps and bruises
I have to incur
I can be sure
You are with me
You are with me.