I've missed this.

I've kept quiet for months thinking I got better, thinking "this is fine now, I'm fine now, life is decent now."  Oh a fool with eyes shut and ears covered knows just as well as I do this is long term. Waking up wishing i was back asleep isn't a result of just being lazy. Waking up and feeling your heart break as you realise you're back in your reality again isn't some effect of teenge angst that stuck around. This is really something I can't hold in anymore. I want to show it to you all. This will never go away but I will also never be alone.
Don't roll over in bed and cry God please not another day. Not again.
Never again, there's so much unsaid still, so much to love.
Throw on anything you see on the floor, grab yourself some water and go look at the trees, go look at the flowers and breathe in. Even if you have to pretend to feel it and you have to force it, imagine the peace, please just imagine it. 
Life might not get better because truth be told, we all have to feel this to get stronger and realise our true worth. 
I've come to realize for me, I was hateful for too long, I let the frustrations of others become my own and I couldn't do it anymore.  My sadness will always be there but I can control it now, I've separated that emotion and turned it into a person in my mind and she appreciates life and the beauty in nature so much, she has become me and i'm not so sad anymore. I don't know when this came to be but I'm grateful. I'm not quite happy yet but I'm no longer that young girl wishing to kill herself with such passion that those who were knowlegable about my pain were just waiting to see if i was full of shit, if the pain was real. It got real and they left, now i'm still here but life is better than I ever knew.
It does get better, I swear. We can talk through this together.
You will never be alone. I don't know that I was or wasn't but i can promise, with me, you will never be alone.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741