Five Things I Would Say To My Depressed Self

A day will come when you will sing in the shower again
I know it might be hard to fathom this now
This is the middle of winter and you’re so accustomed to the cold
You’ve forgotten how the sun feels on your shoulders
But a day will come when you will wake up without having to push that weight off your chest before you drag yourself out of bed
You’ll rise 
All sleepy, sunrise smiles and sighing stretches
And you’ll splash cold water on your face and feel deliciously alive
It’s easy to forget life has meaning
So I ask you to wait until the film’s credits end
To spend a moment in the dark theater alone
To listen as the music fades, the popcorn and cola smell still heavy in the air
To breathe in this peace, this suspended fantasy
I ask you to fall asleep to the sound of a rainstorm
To hold a sparkler on the Fourth of July
To watch the tiny pinpricks of light leap into the darkness without fear
I ask you to crane your neck to see the first glimpse of ocean
As you crest the bridge towards the beach
Each time, remind yourself
“This is it
This is the meaning”
The next time you find yourself lying on your back in bed
Staring up at the blank ceiling
Listing in order the ways you might want to die
I ask you to lace up your running shoes
Run until you can’t think, can’t hear, can’t count
Until all you can do is breathe
Interesting, how you strip everything else away, and that’s what your body remembers –
How to keep you alive
Keep that in mind
It’s okay to crave people
It’s okay to need an arm around your shoulder, a whisper in your hair
It’s okay to want to crawl into someone when your own body is too weak to carry you
It’s also okay to shut yourself away for days
To lock the doors and black out the windows
To wrap yourself in barbed wire and growl
Ignore every phone call or cry to every stranger on the street
This is no longer about what’s presentable
This is about clinging onto the cliff face
This is about every second you mange to hold on
You will look back on this time and wonder
“How could I possibly have survived?
How can one body hold so much pain?
Shouldn’t I have burst from the pressure of it?”
But you did survive
You are stronger than you can possibly understand
This pain is talc against your diamond
A breeze against your hurricane
You’ve survived this before
You’ll survive it again

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