Jimi is a liar.

Thu, 06/26/2014 - 10:02 -- Astod

I strive for any sense of sanity my body has left
and you could inject lithium into my bloodstream 
all you wanted but that will never take away 
the stream of conscious to which I face every damn day. 
And I speak these words in a volume only sincere ears
could hone into and leech off of for their own sanity, 
but things are never that easy. 
Affirmation is like a drug and sanity like a ghost
you get addicted to those things in which 
we are not usually accustomed to 
that sincerity so comforting it's hard to let go. 
Most people do drugs to forget, 
but goddamn with you, 
I want to remember every single moment-
harness it inside my memory and save it as draft
so I can post it to my retinas later that night 
when I'm loosing sleep because I cannot rid of the ghosts 
I've spent both my night and day fighting off. 

I want to crash and burn 
I want to live a life like all the crazy poets 
and authors and writers that never held dear to their sanity
they embraced their madness and embarked on a journey 
throwing away any sense of normalcy they had. 

But maybe, I should do as you say
or do as my father says-
ya know,  just deal with my problems on my own. 
It's kind of crazy because you both say the same thing
which leads me to believe that women do end up 
marrying their fathers which I fear- 
more than any other obstacle in my life 
because my broken wings were built upon my fathers shoulders
and upon mine is more weight than I can carry, 
So i'm sorry you've become a muse for my misplaced sanity
and a drawing board for my dilemmas 
but baby, you have not seen dramatic. 
Not from me at least and it's not safe for me
to hide this part of myself away from you..
But it's like you want me to. 
And one day, oh god one day 
I will crack under the pressure placed upon these shoulders 
and try to fly with these broken wings 
and I will crash and burn like alll those people
and it's then I will realize
that hiding away this part of myself
in spite of everything I know, 
will be the best and the worst thing I've ever done. 

and I'm so fucking tired, 
that tired isn't even the word to describe it, 
more like futile or unavailing because
I hide away parts of myself for the ones I love
and they itch to come at the surface like a growing tick
ready to explode distracted by euphoria filling it's stomach. 
I am not okay, and I'm kind of tired of acting like it. 
I am a ticking time bomb
ready to blow your fucking head off at any second
one you will never be able to disable-
and this, this is manic depression.
I wish it was as beautiful as Hendrix made it seem.

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741