i never suspected that 

i never suspected that 
i would spend so much time 
trying to pick things out 
from under my skin.

how do i articulate this pain? 
it taps on the windows at night 
and makes me restless, 
let me in, 
and i’m trying.

it dies down to a dull ache 
that will thud there 
until i let it win, 
drown it in pills and indigestion.

i think i am killing myself, 
slowly letting this consume me, 
eat me alive, 
it’s like i’m begging it to.

i am stuck in a constant cycle 
of do-what-you-can to survive 
and it’s never enough 
to get through tomorrow.

-I am trudging my way through the days, weeks, months

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