My Everyday Battle With Depression

My Everyday Battle With Depression

It’s Three A.M. And I’m Staring At Her.
She Looks At Me With Her Piercing, Black Eyes And Asks Me
“Why Are You Still Here When We Could End It All Tonight?”
I Beg Her To Put The Knife Down And Promise That I Will Make Things Better.
The Girl Is Generous And Lets Me Get A Few Hours Of Sleep Before She’s Back,
Staring Into My Empty Soul.
I Win Tonight.

The Next Week, The Girl’s Back Again, This Time With A Gun.
“You Really Thought She Would Be Your Friend? Nobody Likes You, Freak.”
She Laughs And Spits In My Face.
I Cry, Hoping That I Can Get Out Of This Nightmare.
She Doesn’t let me sleep.
she wins tonight.

A Week Later, I Finally Catch A Break.
The Girls At School Are Nice To Me, And Nobody Makes Fun Of Me.
The Girl Is Finally Gone- I Was Going To Win For Once.
But Last Night While I Was Drifting Off To Sleep,
She reappeared with a noose.

my therapist says to just take my medicine, talk to her and tell her that
she’s not real- she’ll go away then
but how can i do that when i don’t know what thoughts are hers and which ones are mine
am i loved or does everyone hate me
my mind is an endless flower as she sits on the edge of the cliff and plucks the petals chanting
“he loves me, he loves me not”
she wins tonight

i lay on my bathroom tile at five a.m.
i have a big test in a few hours and need some sleep, but she wont let me
the demon has taken over me
i sit in front of her with the pill bottle in my hand
waiting for her to tell me to do it
she wins tonight

everyone else is excited to graduate
im just excited if i can get out of bed on my own in the morning
one day im excited for college
the next day im excited to die
its an endless game of tug of war with my own body
im my own battleground in a war that i dont want to be a part of
one night she wins, The Next Night I Do.

i wait for the girl to go away but shes a part of me now
a part i wish was not here
because when shes here, she wins
she wins tonight.

This poem is about: 
Me

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If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741