all i wanted was for you to hold me

“i pressed my face to the space between your neck and kissed you softly with chapped lips. (you were laughing and texting and trying to take my mind out of the dark)
i dragged my fingernails lightly across your tattooed arm.
making trails of red against the blue and black ink.(you said “stop acting like this. the world isn’t going to end. you’re not going to die tonight, i won’t let you”)
i know i know i know 
in your eyes i am small,
i am fragile, i smell like incense, i am a girl.
but when the wires keeping me together frayed and eventually snapped.(you pressed the pillow over my face and said “do you really want to die?” i did. until you took the pillow away and looked at me with disgust)
and i,
screamed, struggled against your touch, cried out to be released and to kill the monster inside of me. (you watched me struggle against you and scream “let me go, stop it, dammit stop it, please don’t fucking touch me you piece of shit!”)
you didn’t hold me, you didn’t tell me you loved me, you didn’t say it was going to be okay. (you watched me cry and went outside to smoke a cigarette)
you just bruised my skin, dug into my ribs, and made me be quiet.
who is the real monster here? (you didn’t let me die, but you didn’t let me live either)”
 

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