Requiem for my Childhood

And I ask myself every time, why I keep running back to you 
  Countless times, although you've given me nothing
   Why I turn back
   To stare at you in the rearview mirror of my mind
   Even as you pull me closer to the edge,
   The edge that I fear so deeply
   For if I were to fall, I would break
   As I am made of glass
   No longer the perfect puzzle of flesh, bone, and blood
   Except I would not fear the landing,
   But the euphoria I might feel
   As I tumble down the darkness to my self-inflicted demise
   Which is why I stay close enough to the edge
   To glimpse you in my mirror
   Enthralled by the darkness 
  And repulsed by my love of it
   Why? I ask myself
   Can I not leave you behind?
   When you've ripped red from my body,
   Sanity from my brain,
   And innocence from my heart
   I am no longer a child
   For no child is enticed by the beauty of one's blood on a blade
   Metallic and fresh, tainting the pure shine
   And no child is attracted to that violet red
   Dripping on their flesh
   A child draws with crayons
   Not with silver on a living canvas
   And no child looks at a knife
   And feels their wrist begin to tingle
   No, that child sees only apple slices and cheese
   To eat at the table, legs swinging
   I am no longer a child
   Although my body begs to differ
   But beneath my cut skin lies a weathered mind
   And a heart scarred deeper than any child could imagine
   I have stood by the edge for too long    I am addicted
   And this addiction scares me,
   For how could I crave something
   So destructive and adamant for my downfall?
   But what I fear the most
   (not the edge, like most children would)
   Is that I will not know if I have fallen 
   Until it is too late. 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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