Dear Lily,

It's easy enough for me to pretend like I'm fine. 

At least enoufh so that it seems like I've dealt with it

Ir's easy enough to distract myself

I do it with schoolwork

With gossip

With conversation 

I do this until nobody knows I'm faking it. 

I do this so often, I even began to convince myself. 

 

But how do I explain that I'm not? 

That when I drive home at night 

Sometimes I see you lying on the hospital table

That your face is lifeless and your skin is cold 

That I have to pull the car over and wait five minutes before I can compose myself and keep driving

 

How do I begin to explain that I can't imagine a world without you? 

Even when you were missing, I knew you were coming back

And now I keep waiting for something that's missing and won't ever come back. 

That I care for you and wanted so badly to keep you safe

And now no amount of hoping

pleading

or praying 

will ever give me that change again. 

 

How do I explain that I'm terrified I'll forget you?

I listen to you sing before going to bed

Wrapping your voice around me like a blanket

And hoping that for you, it was as gentle as falling asleep.

I look at all the pictures I have of us and wish there were more

Enough so that I never lose a minute of the memories

Enough to last the lifetime you didn't have

 

How do I explain the most painful part is watching others hurt

Watching their world change so quickly

Hearing their voice break on the phone 

And hating myself because there's no one thing I can say to make it better

 

I'm not the person who likes to ask for help

I want to be there for everyone else

But how do I give them something

I can't even find for myself?

 

Someday I will find your soul. 

With Love, 

Manasi