“Don’t push me to make decisions that I may regret later.” I heard you say this while on the phone with your sisters right before your dad died. I laughed. I fucking laughed out loud. Now what do you think that says about you? Here’s what it says. Growing up, I was indecisive, I still am, but I was taught to make decisions early when it’s not really necessary. Kids think about what kind of job they want from age 5. My sophomore year in high school, I was told I should have a good idea of where I want to go to college. When in reality, I don’t really need to know that till my senior year. My junior year in high school, I was told I need to know what I’m going to major in, when in reality you don’t choose your major till your junior year in college. Growing up with depression and being the emo little kid I was, I wasn’t sure of much. When you told me I was fat, I believed you. When you told me I was an attention seeking whore, I believed you. When you told you I was a slut, I believed you. When you grabbed me by the shoulder and whispered to change my tone as your alcoholic breath passed through my lungs, I held my breath, smiled and said okay. I was completely suggestive at age 14, and you knew that. Whether you remember and apologize or not, nothing’s going to change the things that you said, nothing’s going to fix this.
One day you’re going to ask me if I love you, and I’m going to politely say, “I don’t know.” And you’re going to get offended and ask me what that even means, and do you know what I’m going to tell you? Don’t push me to make decisions that I may regret later.