Depression is weird

Having depression is weird

Because you can be at the lowest point of your life

So sad that your arms can’t move

So sad that your eyes wont stay open

So sad that every sky is a grey sky

And holding on seems like holding up the moon

But nobody knows besides you

Nobody knows how close you are to collapsing.

Crashing down like a house of cards

Or a building scheduled for destruction

And you are too afraid to tell them

Afraid that by opening your mouth you’ll scare them away

The few people who might still love you

Who might still love: you, hollow cavern

Where crystals once shined

You, empty gold mine

Where men lost their minds

Having depression makes darkness feel like a familiar old friend

So familiar he knows your parents on a first name basis

Knows all your favorite things and how to kill them

So familiar with your mind

And the ways you punish yourself for existing

Depression is the cold front on a sunny day and no amount of raincoats will fix it.

No umbrella will hold back your tears

Depression is a mind reader

A shapeshifter

And every moment you truly felt alone

Will be played on repeat in the depths of your mind until you get lost there

Drowning in the abyss of your own worst case scenarios

Today I was so sad I couldn’t lift my arms

I was so sad I couldn’t get out of bed

I was so sad that every mole hill became the volcano I decided to throw myself in.

I am not ok

I don’t know when I will be ok again

And I’m sure I will be ok someday

But right now I am sad

And the people I love most are ghosts on these days

And the people I love most aren’t here

And I can’t be sure I would tell them if they were,

But the last time I told a man I loved him

He called me a liar

And I’m hoping that someday he’ll be right

But right now I am missing him

Or missing the person I used to be before him

Or with him

A happier person

Or someone who was better at pretending

And right now I know I don’t need him

I know to take him back would kill me this time

But when I’m sad

Really this sad

All I want is to be loved

To know that someone is there

That I am not alone

On this tiny floating rock in this dark endless universe

But perhaps I am

So when your friends with depression go quiet

When you see them fade away from view

Or pull away from you

Do not be angry

Do not be offended

Or assume that they do not like you

Instead reach out

Tell them that you love them

That you’re here and Friday is coming

Or merely that you care

Because chances are

They are breaking

They are crumbling to pieces so quickly

and dying to know if anyone is there.

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