summer - fall

the sand sifted through crevices in my toes

while the soft breeze lifted my salty hair 

the symphony in my head played while my golden fingers whispered and swam

-through the air outside my car window

the sun gave life to my tan cheeks and dotted freckles on my chocolate skin

longboarding down the boardwalk was paired with Arnold Palmers

and bikinis were laced with summer romance

 

i don't ever want to grow up

 

winter

my room was a prison of my own doing

forgiveness was not paired with grace

salty tears streamed down my pale face as i watched the rain

plop

plop

plop

water poured onto the cracked concrete

water poured onto my cut hands

water made my body feel so heavy

so tired

so peaceful

if i went under would i want to come back up?

i hate myself

the monsters weren't hidden behind the clothes in my wooden closet

-they were screaming in my head

 

when will i grow up

 

spring

I walk down the boardwalk and think

looking down at my cracked nail polish

my mind swims

-in the ocean

of my thoughts

filled by people

yet alone

there is nothing out there

-beyond the ocean

-beyond my imagination

for me

and as i look down once again

i think

i need to paint my nails

 

summer

i solemnly look out at the world

my chocolate skin dripping with the honey-sun

the drip

drip

drip

of sunlight

onto my now golden skin

brought me to life

i mistake my imagination for memory

and my mind swims with thoughts of the future

i think about the heartbreak

i think about the depression

i think to myself

 

maybe all of this was growing up