There are times I wish it would always be the middle of the night.
Everything is calm, still and you can hear everything beyond your door if you listen well.
You almost weep with joy as the night stays and blankets your body to rest,
To rest and think, you don't have much longer. The sun will be up soon.
Even so, as of now no one is awake but you.
Sinfully quiet and you can't help but want the peace this quiet brings.
Yet, I fear wanting to listen. The very creaks and hum of air makes me itch to go.
To run under the blazing moon, to soar far into the clouds,
Far away from the confusion and expectations that I have faced from my younger days.
I would think as my body grew and my mind matured I wouldn't feel like the would is so against me.
But with burning glares and mocking tones of motherly hands, It's quite hard to do so.
So, I hate the still nights, there is nothing good in those calming moments now.
It only reminds me what I can't have.
I am stuck between blue and orange walls, a bed that offers no comforts and silence that I dread now.
I want to be free. I want to go away from my house, from the nest and fly.
But I can't leave...
I am broken and weeping, but I must hold my tears least they be used against me once more.
I love my family... I love my mother but why the scrotching tone? Why the firy eyes?
Why am I the one who takes the blunt of pain when all I desire is to ease your own pain.
Am I not good enough, mom? Am I never to be your baby girl again? Am I always going to be wrong in your eyes?
I want to be more for you... but at what cost? I've already given you my freedom, my thoughts, my words and even my own happiness...
But do you even see what I do for you? What I throw away and tarnish just so you don't yell at me again-
I'm tired- no I am thoroughly exhausted! And for once in my life I will not think of your wants.
I am a person too! No matter your status or authority, I deserve a voice, I deserve freedom in finding out who I truly am!
My name is Elias Van Gemert, I love men and woman alike, I have no set gender and I am starting to understand happiness again!
...I am starting to love still nights once more, and its all for me.
But if that's not good enough for you, then I better pack up and move to the other side of our two small worlds.