I spent last night googling birds that sing in the morning,

to give myself something to wake up for.

Tricking myself into believing I’d even be awake by then.

Because the truth is I am not ok

and I know I’m not dying but sometimes it feels like it

or maybe it’s because I’d prefer it.

I can try to tell myself that my plants will still need me to give them water

But the plants are destined to die already

With not enough sunlight in this apartment to even keep me alive.

And everyone who has ever loved me is dead or moved on

and I cannot brush off the sneaking suspicion that I am a poison.

That I rot and fester in the hearts of anyone who gets too close

Until they have no choice but to push me away too

Just like my parents did

And the people I love most are 400 miles away

and I’m afraid to let anyone new behind these walls

Because when the foundation collapses I don’t want them to fall too

You see death is a memory younger than October.

It was the years in college I never thought I’d survive long enough to see

And here I am at 24 years old

Still gasping for air

And drowning without a lifeboat

And my friends tell me how much I’ll be missed

but we’ve gone months without talking before.

What’s a thousand more months?

And even the ones who care most

struggle to find reasons to hold on to the crumbling cliff side I’ve been dangling from

because the truth is that there isn’t much left.

And it’s almost midnight and I’m beginning to realize

I haven’t heard the birds sing since I left Pennsylvania

So maybe this whole state has been one drawn out nightmare

that I can’t wake up from

And maybe the birds sing in heaven

Or maybe in hell.

But I’m still resisting the urge to find out

It’s why I stopped using my conditioner last week

so that it wouldn’t run out at the same time as my shampoo

Because then I wouldn’t know what else to hold onto.

You see depression is always a battle

I’ve just never been much of a fighter