I want to tell you I will do anything to keep what we have together,
That I will try to follow through and give my effort to do better.
I want you to see that I care about you above any substance or habit,
I wish I could guarantee when I give you my word you truly have it.
If I could go back in time I would be honest and say how I feel,
But once I say it out loud I have have to face the fact it is real.
It is easier to live life when I can choose what I want to see,
That is why swimming in drugs and alcohol is so appealing to me.
It covers up the fact that at the end of the day I hate myself,
Lost in a pool of diagnosis fate decided by my mental health.
I feel like more than one person which is why it is hard to remain true,
That is why I change my mind quickly and forget what I am told by you.
I can not keep track of details because my mind is a tangled mess,
If my prescription drugs helped me more I think I would drink less.
But I can not keep using that exhausted excuse if I am trying to improve,
I know the direction I am heading but struggle to make the first move.
I have these personalities and I do not know how to switch between,
Being told it is normal and just the typical hormones of an average teen.
The people around me are slowly realizing that there is more that is wrong,
It is hard to know if this is ever going to get better or if it will take long.
I am sorry that I can not be one person and you have to date a patient,
I just want us to work things out and not withhold any resentment.
You really have my heart for good no matter if you want it or not,
It has been yours since you tore those petals from the red roses you bought.
The day I walked from your door to your bedroom to find you laying there,
And my walls fell down trusting you with the love we would soon share.
And after we made love for the first time I cried so many tears that night,
So scared one day I would lose the thing I felt was so meant to be and right.
I knew you would love me and stay in my life through thick and thin,
I would never expect you to help me considering the mess I am in.
I love you so much that I will try to make it easier and painless for you to leave me,
If that is really what you think you need to do in order for you to be happy.
I want what is best for you even if it is ending the relationship we have built,
I do not want you to feel trapped into this relationship just out of guilt.
I will work to earn your trust back if you can try to forgive,
I will learn how to be happier sober and learn a new way for me to live.
You are more than the man I could ever imagine or I could even dream of,
I could never thank you enough for teaching me so many lessons about how to love.