moving on
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It’s so sweet how you think you broke my heart,
But the crazy thing is, that is not even the best part.
This whole time you thought I would go along with your little plan,
there is no such thing as
right person, wrong time
that’s just what i told myself to soften the blow of losing you
Shame on you for treating me like dirt,
And for trying to get me to feel hurt.
I am starting to see how miserable you are,
And that you want me to feel the pain of your scars.
You hurt me in ways I can’t even explain,
And now I wish that I never even bothered to ask you your name.
You put me through so much pain,
And just like that, we are back to square one,
Trying to pick up the pieces after the damage has already been done.
I guess to you it was all one big joke,
In the end, I found out you were just playing games,
and you go through girls without even bothering to learn their names.
Here I was thinking that you were different,
If there is something in your life that you don’t like, you can fix it,
As long as you realize that you can never quit.
Even when things get hard, you can’t give in,
At a certain point, even the nicest people end up needing a break,
Because you are tired of everyone hiding behind a mask and being fake.
For the longest time, the bigger person was always me,
And always forgiving people and never being able to see.
How they always took me for granted,
Even though things look bad now, this is not the end,
And you feel like you are making the same mistakes again and again.
You have it in you to keep going,
At this point, it seems like there is nothing left for you to lose,
And you are reminded of everyone of your failures due to every cut, scar, and bruise.
Just like so many other times in your past,
Going after the same goal again and again,
And it feels like no matter what you do, it is never going to end.
That you can’t seem to get it right,
The girl that you all know is no longer here,
And while I have your attention, let me make one thing perfectly clear.
That the girl who was once cared too much is long gone,
And just like that, I found myself in the same situation once again,
Torn between cutting you out of my life, or keeping you around as just a friend.
You can't tell me that you didn't think of me the same way,
Unlike last time, this time is not going to be the same,
Because I am the one who got myself into this mess, and I am the only person who I can blame.
It’s time to go ghost and just focus on you,
And even though you’re tired, you know what it is that you have to do.
It’s time to focus on the future, and to finally let go of the past,
After being broken for so long, it feels like the pieces are coming together,
Because you were able to keep going, even through the terrible weather.
For the first time in my life, I am not worrying about anyone else,
Because I have taken care of everyone else for so long, and put my own priorities up on a shelf.
This whole time I always felt like I was missing a part of me,
That was preventing me from being who I really wanted to be.
This whole time I was passing along the blame,
The one person in my life who was supposed to be there for me showed me not to rely on
anyone,
And don’t you dare think for one second that I need support from you to get anything done.
I am slowly starting to accept that maybe my path is not going to go how I planned,
Maybe at the end of the day, there will be no one there to hold my hand.
How do you let go of everything that you know?
How do you move on from the past that you know you need to let go?
How do you make yourself okay again after breaking apart for so long?
You know you need to change your habits that shape who you are everyday,
Because deep down you know there is no other way.
Forget you for making me think that I wasn’t good enough,
Forget you for leaving me when you knew I was going through something and things were
tough.
Everyone who knew me before has to get to know me again,
Because the image that you have of me in your head has come to an end.
The girl who once cared about people too much isn’t here anymore,
Just like that, I thought things were going to be different, but in the end they are all the same,
This is a major part of my life, even though to you it is only a game.
I don’t ever want to hear you say that again,
That you’re thinking about giving up just because things look like they are going to end.
It has taken me a long time to realize that is doesn’t matter how long it takes,
Because no one is going to look back and see all of your mistakes.
It has taken me a long time to realize that is doesn’t matter how long it takes,
Because no one is going to look back and see all of your mistakes.
It took me a long time to admit how terrifying this journey is to me,
And how hard it is to let go of my past to become everything I wanted to be.
And just like that, you feel like you are finally free,
From all of the chains that have been holding me.
The ones that have been keeping me tied to the ground,
After being broken so many times, the pieces never fit together quite the same,
And you want to blame everyone else, but you know that you are the only one you can truly
blame.
This time will not be like the others, and this time I mean what I say,
Because I have already seen it play out, and I will not let it end the same way.
And just like that, you are back to square one,
Feeling like you have nothing left and that you are already done.
But you have been doing this for too long to give it up now,
How do you keep going when you feel so lost?
How much are you willing to sacrifice for what you want? What will be the cost?
How do you keep going when it feels like nothing is going right?
There are going to be times in life when people are going to let you down,
And you will be the only person who will be able to pick yourself up off of the ground.
I am upset with myself because it took me so long,
To realize that I have been approaching the situation completely wrong.
I never understood why it was taking me so long to do this,
Sometimes it feels like that loop is never going to end,
And that you keep living the same day over and over again.
As hard as you try to break those habits, it never seems to stop,
Disappear for a while and allow yourself to remember who you are,
Allow yourself to embrace every single one of your scars.
Remember who you truly are and where you have come from,
You broke me,
And there were so many pieces of myself that I was no longer able to see.
But with every piece that I picked up off of the floor,
I was finally able to close that door.
It can be hard to keep going when your brain is telling you that you aren’t good enough,
And changing those thoughts in your mind is always going to be tough.
When you tried your best, you seem to get knocked down again,
And you are left there wondering if this is going to be the end.
If this whole time you have been fighting for no real reason,
I never thought I would be here, but here we are,
Finally being able to heal after the heartbreak and all of the scars.
Moving on from you and finally putting you in the past,
And just like that, three months have gone by,
And I didn’t think it would be this hard to say goodbye.
But there is not a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about you,
Each day I feel myself going further and further away from you,
But every once in a while, you still pop into my mind in everything that I do.
I don’t know why it is so hard for me to let you go,
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard,
I didn’t think that everything you put me through was going to leave me scarred.
After years of allowing you to take up all of my thoughts and all of my time,
I am finally able to let it go and take back control of what is mine.
Just like that, we are back to square one,
Having to start over, because of all of the things that were done.
The things that I went through that I never talked about before,
You breaking my heart was the best thing you could have done for me,
Because now it is my turn to finally focus on everything that I want to be.
After all this time, I finally realized what I need to do,
And that is to let go of everything that I went through.
To finally forgive you after everything that went down,
All of this time I kept blaming myself, wondering why I was never good enough,
But after four years, I finally realized that none of that is true.
I can’t blame myself for what you did to me,
It can be so hard to let go of the past,
Especially when it comes down to something that you were hoping was going to last.
But the only way to move on is to finally let it go,
I found myself starting to cry again last night,
Wondering what I could have done differently so you could love me right.
But for the first time in a while, the tears wouldn’t fall,
Last night was the last time that I will allow myself to feel this way,
Because you are no longer going to control my thoughts everyday.
I have finally realized that I can do so much better than you,
Four years since the day that I have found out your name,
Four years since I have never been the same.
Four years since the first time I saw that smile,
And just like that, I don’t have any of the memories anymore,
And it feels like I am one step closer to closing that door.
It was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do,
For so long, I kept trying to defend you,
And I would always try to justify the things that you would do.
Even though I knew it was true, I would always try to deny it,
Last night all of my fears had come true,
Because when I was walking home, I ran into you.
I saw you out of the corner my eye,
I have comes to terms with the reality that is me and you,
And I know that reaching out is something that you are never going to do.
As much as I hate to admit it, I know that part of is done,
It’s hard to sit here and figure out what we were,
Because the past few years have kind of all turned into a blur.
I know we weren’t lovers, but I also don’t think we were just friends,
When it first happened, I thought I would never be able to make it through,
Because everything that I did reminded me of you.
And I thought that I would never be able to love again,
I have moved on, and I have worked so hard to let it all go,
But there are still some things that you don’t seem to know.
And I have all of the memories saved,
And just like that, I was finally able to move on,
And it seems like the memories I have for you are slowly starting to be gone.
It sucks that it took so long for this to finally come true,
The day that I never thought would come is finally here,
And now I am able to see things nice and clear.
That you were nothing special from the start,
This whole time I kept wondering why God did this to me,
Why would he bring someone so amazing into my life, if he knew we were never going to be?
And after everything that happened, I realized I need to say thank you,
Because you helped me so much, despite everything you put me through.
It’s officially been one month since the last time that we spoke,
And there are days where I am still trying to pick up the pieces that you broke.
And most days I am doing pretty well,
It hurts me to say, but I know that this is the end,
Because after everything that happened, we can never be friends again.
I have to admit to myself, that I will always love you,
I feel myself slowly starting to get better everyday,
But every once in a while, it still hurts, and I knew that it was going to be this way.
And I find myself still wishing that you would come back,
I am starting to realize that you know you were wrong,
Because I was giving you what you wanted all along.
You know that she will never treat you better than me,
I have to admit that there are times when you are still on my mind,
But unlike before, it is not like it is happening all of the time.
I found myself smiling yesterday, and it happened to be sincere,
Just when I think that I am starting to feel okay,
Something sets me back, and I find myself crying the next day.
Everything that happened continues to mess with my head,
Just when I started to feel upset, it all started to come true,
That the dreams that I had working for were finally coming through.
I read the post and I immediately thought of you,
And I know that that is something that I shouldn’t do.
But when I read it, my brain began to wonder if it was just a coincidence,
I still remember the story that you told me,
About how your mom wanted nothing to do with your dad until they came to be.
How they grew up together, and your mom wanted nothing to do with your dad,
Two weeks to the day was when things ended between you and I,
And I no longer feel the need to sit here and ask myself why.
Why I wasn’t good enough for you, and why I couldn’t be what you wanted,
This whole time I wanted to blame her, but I realized that is something that I would never do,
Because the only person who is to blame in this mess is you.
I hate the games that our generation likes to play,
And it has made me lose faith in trying to find love someday.
Because no one can actually choose to say how they feel,
Waves
One second you are fine, and the next second it hurts again,
Because I don’t even care that I lost you as a lover, but part of me still does miss you as a friend.
At first it was hard to see them go by,
Because they reminded me of my one and only guy.
The guy who had my heart from the start,
So I guess I gave you the benefit of the doubt and I gave you too much credit,
And I wish I could go back to the start of our story and provide it with a few edits.
Can I sit here and say that I am starting to let it go?
Or is this a lie, and it is something that I already know.
During the day I am fine, and then I fall apart most nights,
When we met, things were falling apart,
And you were the only one who was able to help me heal from the start.
When my world was ending, you made me believe in hope and love once again,
The day that you left, it felt like my whole world came crashing down,
And that there was no way that I was going to be able to pick myself up off of the ground.
So here we are, trying to pick up the pieces of the mess that you made,
And the damage that you caused is going to need a lot more than a band-aid.
Fuck all of you for constantly making me feel this way,
For needing to fight the urge to end it every single day.
Fuck you for constantly making me need to be the bigger person,
Sometimes it takes everything to fall apart, in order for things to start falling back together,
And it may look devastating, but that is the only way that things will ever get better.
I remember when you said
you couldn’t love me
And at the time I was heartbroken
Beside myself with arrogant disbelief
But the truth is
I didn’t need you to love me
I have to keep reminding myself that I knew that this was not going to be an easy task,
And it is simple to keep it together during the day, but lose it at night when you take off your mask.
If you stop now, then what was the point of all of this in the first place?
Because you can't quit now when you are this close to finishing the race.
Even if it seems like there is no finish line in sight,
Lately it feels as if everything around me is falling apart,
That I keep reliving the same moments over and over, not knowing how to follow my heart.
I keep it together, and have a smile on my face when others are around,
The older I get, the more I realized that there is nothing more precious than time,
And I have finally realized that I no longer want to waste mine.
For so long, I cared too much about what people thought about me,
The older I get, the more I realize that there is nothing more precious than time,
And that once I let it go, I can never get back something that is no longer mine.
No you're not.
No it didn't.
No you don't.
I can't handle that.
I can't deal with you right now.
You are ten years old.
I'm sure you're just exaggerating, she's not that mean.
It's funny how life decides to teach you lessons in the hardest way,
And that most of the time, you don't know what else you can do, think, or say.
For the first time in a long time, I am finally starting to feel like me again,
Sunny days and sunny nightsI think about you all the timeEven when you’re not on my mindYou’re here in disguiseWho would’ve known that you could bring so much lightThen take away my sight Some might say it was rightBut only if you were mine So now
I am no longer going to let you get in my head and make me feel like there is something wrong with me,
All because you can't see all of the potential that I have and all of the things that I can be.
I am broken in pieces, sitting behind my bedroom door,
Trying to get myself to pick up the peices of my heart that are scattered all over the floor.
You broke me in ways that I will never be able to understand,
I tell myself that I don't want anything more to do with you,
But it is hard to convince yourself of that after everything that we have been through.
I tell myself that I don't care whether or not you leave me on read,
Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go of what you know is no good for you,
But, even though it is the best, it is also the hardest thing that you have to do.
For far too long now, I have been letting people get in my head and try and bring me down,
But I am finally at the point where I am taking back control, and I am turning it all around.
I always thought that if you were the one to back down, it meant that you couldn't take it,
And that if you were the one who chose to walk away, all it really meant that you decided to quit.
This back and fourth bullshit from you is something that I told myself I would never deal with,
But I decided that when it comes to you, I can't deal with it anymore, and I have decided to plead the fifth.
I used to think that being alone was a bad thing, and that you need others to have fun,
But as I am getting older, I am realizing that you don't need anyone else to get things done.
I used to think that being alone was a bad thing, and that you need others to have fun,
But as I am getting older, I am realizing that you don't need anyone else to get things done.
I didn't want to admit it, but I cried myself to sleep every night this week because of you,
And I know that it is going to continue, no matter what I try and do.
Picking petals off English daisies
Never felt this lazy
Sitting beneath autumn-colored trees
The view is shady
Watching friends frolic, dogs crashing into piled leaves
My mind is hazy
As I have gotten older, I realized a couple of things about who I am,
And that is that I tend to leave a lot of how I feel about myself to other people, but I am really tired of giving a damn.
I always thought that being alone was a sad thing,
But that was before I knew about all the joy that it could bring.
As time has gone on, I have gotten more and more used to being alone,
Sometimes things don't always work out the way that we had planned,
And sometimes these things that are falling apart start to get you, and it gets to the point where you feel like you can't even stand.
Sometimes moving on can be one of the scariest things that you force yourself to do,
But it is the only way that you can move on and try to see things through.
It has taken me some time to realize that there are two parts of your body that will always be at war with one another,
And it seems like no matter how hard you try, they will never agree with each other.
It took me a long time to realize that no matter what you do, you can not please everyone,
And that you will only drive yourself crazy trying to accomplish this because it is a task that will never be done.
It took me a long time to realize that there is only so much that you can blame others for,
And that if you want to change your life, it is up to you to be the one to close that door.
It took me a long time to realize how much holding on to the past destroys you,
Because you never allow yourself to see things from another point of view.
It took me a long time to realize how much holding on to the past destroys you,
Because you never allow yourself to see things from another point of view.
It took me a long time to realize, but I have finally learned a lot about you,
And that even though I thought you were different, your actions told me that you areexactly the same by the things that you do.
A thousand paper cuts cover my fingers,From flipping through the pages of this book.Of our book.The book we wrote together,Page by page,Day by day.
It was 11pm in the beginning of February.
There was a group text. It was like the universe aligned.Months of friendship and flirting,Until you finally won my affection.
It took 10 years to teach myself how to breathe again
How to live without pretending that’s what I was doing
To stop allowing myself to die quietly
As to not inconvenience the neighbors
When the rain stops
And the sun drops
Below the horizon line
Do not forget the time we shared
Or how I held your hand in mine
But when the sun shines
In your lovers eyes
I carry your smile to school every single day
remembering the warmth it would grant me
and all those around you
even when the clouds loomed darkly
you would always find a way to make us smile.
How do you win the same battle when you don't think that you have anymore fight?
And when it seems like you have to give up because it seems like you can't do anything right?
I know that I am my home
but I wanted YOU to be my home
I laid the groundwork for my nest
I collected the pebbles and bits of paper
I gathered my hopes and my dreams and laid them at your feet
I can’t help but feel
That I will never stop writing
About this feeling
That I will never stop feeling
This in love
And this unloved
At the same time
It’s an emotion
I'm ok now.Mostly, that is.I still think about you.Sometimes it feels like you never left:Stalking the fringes of my dreams.
Why is it that it is so easy to forgive other people, but we I have such a hard time forgiving me?
That I give myself one chance to get something right, but I give others two chances; sometimes I even give them three.
Foggy haze, cloudy days, rain drizzled from the sky.
Todays a good day, no need to get caught up in the why’s.
I’m grateful for this day, yesterday, and I pray to see tomorrow.
How, why, what, is this real, for real.
This wasnt apart of the deal.
For you I would rob, steal, even kill at will.
I want to get off this ride, going in circles like a ferris wheel.
(INTRODUCTION) (Skip below to read a description of my mom to help understand
the poems.)
The next 6 poems I write are about my mom. My mom passed away when
I'm not the girl you remember, a mean face, but submissive, nice to most, & sweet.
I tossed her to the wolves, no eviction notice, they ate her alive, fresh meat, bona petit.
Sitting alone in a dark room
Wondering if everything that happened was true
As the silence grows stronger and my heart beats faster
I'm now laying down, lost and confused
after all you have done to hurt me
i wish you nothing but peace
and the last thing you will ever get from me
Just as it started, it’s all ending.
Coming to a close.
Curtain call is starting soon.
Apologies and Wishful Dreams.
Glass Hearts on Pillars.
it feels so easy to let the world slip away.
old friends pass like water
through shriveled fingertips
on aching, time-shorn hands.
the evergreen forest outside brick walls
How to die without dying:
Learn something new
change your name
change your wardrobe
give
take
cut strings
It’s time
I’m about to get my shit together
I’m going to do what I want to do
You can shout your words at me
But your words don’t feed me
She stared into the sky above her with a fire in her eyes
Days, weeks, months had passed since that day
After hours sat by a window watching the rain floating heavy to the ground
i still remember
the feeling of your hand
holding onto mine
our fingers intertwined
i miss our silliness
as we tickled each other and laughed together
or when you put you arm around me
Of All The Things That I Miss
I miss the nails on the back porch
The worms in the lawn
I miss the stables by your house
An endless cacophony of meaningless noise.
As seen in every answer she writes,
Ink puddling on the page margins.
Dear Father,
You were there for my birth
At least I think you were
But that’s about it
You saw me growing up
But I would rarely see you
You’ll never let me go.
I understand that.
You have pride, beliefs, things that keep you from leaving me alone to fend for myself,
Memories created are stored in the colors of sky and sea,
grass and kitchen counter.
Feelings of music and pain are stored in the apple-scented air and sweet breeze of the place I used to be.
I could never get rid of you
The way you smiled
How you laughed,
the short chuckle that would follow after
Your comforting stare
while you are out here, striving and thriving, i am trying to stop myself from continually colliding into you. i wish i didn't love you as much as i do, i wish this was easier for me to articulate.
exhale
its over
stress is out the door
the floor is freedom
i walk proudly to the next chapter in life
almost as if peace had a scent
i’m attached
my time has come
Peter Pan, Peter Pan, why won't you take me back?Growing up has just turned everything black.
Peter Pan, Peter Pan, this has to be a mixup,I simply never wanted to grow up.
Leaves
Falling away from their home
Some with struggling grip on the emptiness around them.
God wishing to turn over anew,
The reflection in the pond
of the five flowers that bloomed on the bank
displayed like towers to my floor level frame.
Surrounded by the dirt and decomposed,
and the water swamping my sorrowed leaves
Heart Breaking
Tear Inducing
My world stopped when you left
Sleepless Nights
Numb Feelings
I couldn’t pick myself back up
I wanted to forget
I wanted to stop existing
All together
I balanced my back
Flat.
In looong grass.
Felt the tickle of butterflies landing on my tummy
And with the dandelions that sway in the field
You’re stuck in my mind,
Your old laugh,
Your smile
Things I can’t leave behind
It’s impossible to say I’m happy
She told me with a red face.
Our silent rage crackled around us like lightning in the rumble before the rain.
I heard her whisper- through her teeth,
It was him who found me.
The giant with the calloused palms
I was simply a form
Clumsy in my gargantuan new body
Horns piercing from my back;
You told me I was your little pearl.
Glimmering and white,
Pure and loved,
A beauty to beat the rising sun.
I was naïve and innocent,
In the death of your naive bravado,
You held all your tears and grudges,
But honey, it’s time to let them go.
With the murder of your trust,
It's easy to forget, you know?
That time can pass when you aren't paying attention
And suddenly, your little sister says she likes that boy,
And your little brother is taller than you are,
Honestly, I fell for you;
I fell for you hard, like nothing else mattered.
You were on my mind day and night and everything in between;
Desiring some kind of unspoken fantasy,
Destined to remain idle, for what cna be done?
Wretched, diseased, fangs clawing from the inside out.
Eager to get a taste of something shiny and new.
Do you ever miss a moment
Before it's over?
Or a person
Before you leave them?
Do you ever miss a place
While you're still there?
Or a feeling
Before it's gone?
Tired bone and sorrowed hand,
Make of thee all that you can.
Build thy life of hope and tear,
Of all thy love and all thy fear.
I could hear the wind,
rustling through your veins, when
you opened your mouth and the gnarled wings of a hummingbird fell out.
I could taste the regret,
deep breath, deeper, deeper yet, deeper than the ocean of your
eyes that keep calling me home, calling me back back to the
I don't know where to start.
You’re the downside to up.
You can make a happy man frown.
You’re the bad side of good.
Where sin and worry are present, you are there.
I loved you,
Night so young,
Innocently,
Just out of teens,
Bravely.
First time in a club,
Not so easy,
Try to look relaxed,
Getting typsy.
Music in our ears,
Start dancing,
waves of desire.
stormy days and his ocean eyes,
and a world of hurt
being left to decipher
what I did I did wrong,
what put me so far away
from what I wanted
even after I wrote you a song
Wild & Crazy, Names given to me,
Growing up this,
Apple scrumping and fighting,
No support in the family.
Divord parents immediately,
First in the playground, totally,
Making moves honestly, Criminal Past,
Unashamedly,
Back to front,
Identity.
Find oneself,
Completely,
Letting go of things,
Easily.
Getting clear in my head,
Mentor.
It was the one word I felt I could call you.
Our bond was too strong for "teacher"
Friendship a forbidden term
Mentor was the only word fitting.
Savior.
Now I'm packing up my things,
From the space where our hearts overlapped.
You've left a few items
I know that you'll be back.
I'm not going to be there
You can have my key,
I'm leaving this place
17, the first time,
Huge lower back pain,
Great agony,
Wanting to stay in bed, an eternity.
Exhaustion followed,
Many days that passed,
Concentrate on nothing,
How long would it last?
I know it's not right,
Know it's not fair,
Make a decision,
Don't seem to wear.
Consider myself a good soul,
Liked by all,
Friendships a many,
Often the last to call.
Online match,
We both swiped right,
Could of been left,
Sigh, I didn't see the catch.
Meeting for first drink,
Totaly mystery,
Nerves, anxious, and misery,
Absolute pure clarity.
At first the illusion is good and proper, promises a many,
it is hard not to faulter.
Time ticks by and the terms comes through, wow this is expensive,
but we will make a lot of money too.
It started out oh so long ago, the fog behind leaves a clue,
but not something resolute.
The times of the day were directed by the signs, yet those
favoured the unfortunate working class towns .
Walking around all day, feeling like shit. The night before was
difficult, whilst laying on my pit.
I lie down at night, feeling totally spent. An hour or two quickly
passes by and then wide awake again.
I see it over there on the horizon and dread what it is to come.
Knowing there is no escaping makes me feel all numb.
Oh why on why do I feel this way, I thought I got help.
Will this madness ever subside,
Really am not so sure.
Many a times I've tried to relax,
Only to whack the living room door.
Really need to get some sleep,
What is it I need to do?
I mean 'no' when I say 'yes',
Compulsion to give myself away,
Conversely not,
Get what I truly want.
Don't feel whole,
Desire for love,
Seeking it in the worse places,
I'm not starving like most of Africa, or trying to flea its war
torn borders.
There is no looking out of a single celled room, an externally
locked door, and a four barred window. This isn't my reality.
You're you
and I’m me
There’s no one else I’d want you to be
Why can’t you say the same of me
I came flying out
You came crashing down
Anterior View of a Fragile Abdomen
By Emma Roy
Inspired by Monica Ong documentary poetry “Silent Anatomies”
***Please note the media attached is the original version of the poem
The sunlight echoes across the room
in waves.
We said goodbye; they left down the callow way.
Later, after fizzy breath
and Valentine thoughts,
Our comet. It was a sign. As we sat there under the starry night sky, talking about life and our future together, it was a sign. The breeze was cool and the sky was clear and everything in the world seemed absolutely perfect.
I thought you’d smell like butterflies-
like the tip of a lollipop-stained tongue,
baby’s breath and bleached teeth-
so I inhaled you like a pixie stick
and
Tina, my bathroom won’t smell like your hairspray
and I won’t hear your thunder in someone else’s voice
but if your heart chooses to grow, I hope you’ll come to know
they way that poems speak;
had once spoken to me,
it said, "ain't your time to leave"
don't worry you'll pull through,
you still got air to breath.
but we've got work to do
to get you on your feet
Embark on a journey to nowhere
and find it easily.
Now look up the side of a mountain and be blinded
"Rage Rage against the dying of the light"-Dylan Thomas.
I covered my eyes and was brought to a familiar dark sky.
Dear Angelique,
You’ve been on my mind for quite some time.
When we last spoke, I don’t recall.
I anticipate your presence,
Dear Demons,
I believe that passion and fury
are equivalent to playing with fire.
That these fires are unforgiving,
and inextinguishable.
In fact, I just so happen to be a
pyromaniac.
Dear Trauma, my constant companion,
We got together ten years ago
it's hard to forget.
You help me, remind me to be careful.
Not to trust men who smile so kindly.
If I have you with me
Dear twenty-seventeen
there's a lot of things you showed me
like how time can move so slowly
then get faster than you'd like
there's a lot of things that happened
like my highschool days at home
Next month will be a year since we been broken up. But every time I look at you old feelings get woken up. I finally have the girlfriend I think I've always wanted. But how can I fully be happy if in my thoughts you've haunted. I'm not saying I wa
I write in gray
No hands when I drive
Blur my eyes until streetlights
And stars look alike
I take the long road home
To breathe and clear my mind
It's hard to fall asleep
Covered in a fury of flames,And subsequent smoke,I called for some water to quench myparched self.So you,My beautiful,Last signal flare,guided me to your outstretched arms.You became my oceanOf loveAnd shallow devotion.I grasped for your hand,Sear
you say you wish you could be happier
but do you really try
or do you ponder on the past
refusing to break the chain that wrapped around your ankle
Even through my thick skin
When wits should fit, no quick send
Though I won’t miss your shit friends
That night, I met my wit’s end
Maybe my intent had its rest in
The tent I’ve pretended to pitch, in
An aftertnoon stroll has me walking by houses,
with doors that let me back
into realities I used to know.
Run down homes with doors whose
screens are coming off the hinges,
with doors that
I burn the pages
of my oldest notebooks,
erasing the ages
that have passed me by.
I remember the old days,
and cheerful jokes told
paired with a longing gaze,
and my calloused fingertips.
I have trusted you with all my own,
you leave me laying all alone.
I cannot bear to keep in mind
what you did to your own kind.
I did nothing wrong,
but you think I caused it all.
Dear Passat,
Or should I say Piss Ant-
You left as fast as you came,
but aged, as though every wheel rotation
was the mark of a century.
I wasn't the first to own you,
i thought i loved You
In truth my actions showed my fear of losing You and my want for Your affections
“This is it.” Society breathes,
“This is all you need.
This man,
This husband, he will tell you who you should be.”
Roses and
Text me when you're home
Safely
Did you eat?
I can buy you something
Gave you all my love
All I could give
But what I couldn't do was
Forgive
Because I love you, I am patient
Waiting as you ramble about things I don’t care about
I am patient as I wait for you to message me
I used to obsess about my books being perpendicular on the night stand; that was of course before you found your way into my life.
One year.
So much
And yet, nothing
Lose my life
Lose my mind
Lose my friends
Lose myself.
Move.
Written October 22, 2017
Although your chest kisses mine
And our thighs are intertwined,
I can feel it spewing from your lips.
THIS IS
what they speak of
Time is a
soft and gentle mother,
who puts a steady hand on
the small of your broken back
and whispers, "It's time to
move on, sweetheart,"
and for once, you
can actually listen.
My body is cold.
My fingers, frostbitten and blue.
The hairs on my arms protrude upwards, bumps litter my sugary skin.
I see each breath I take fogging the air and the window in front of me.
I am afraid
Of you?
of course not.
Of me
I am afraid
That I will possess you
and not just caress you.
Who am I to think
That you are mine
And noone elses,
he looked me in the eyes and
told me please don't cry
"it was only this one time
i'd never re-commit this crime"
it's been three years since
still every time i hear his name, i wince
I stand alone here in this empty room,
watching people pass by the windows and watching them live.
Each one of them i watch yet only one stands out to me,
I love him.
I say in my head.
Over and over.
I love him.
Of course I love him.
Why wouldn't I love him?
There's no one better.
I'll never find anyone better.
I don't deserve any better.
Mom and I were going to leave for the suburbs.
I knew. My cousins didn't.
Leah and Logan skipped school that day.
I partially convinced Leah. Logan was indifferent.
They hid from the bus.
I'll leave you the love I held
for you
under
our empty bed,
next to the rear-view mirror that once
held a picture of our smiles.
I'll leave you the lingering feeling
you once gave me
Rotten Core.
That's what I found of you
the one I adore.
Adored.
Once you came to my house with that apple,
Charming, your smile full of esctacy
When you first took that step from me,
I held my breathe to see if you would leave.
Even I could see,
that after our break,
our love was no longer free.
Heartache and tears.
Contempt and fears.
Maybe we don't have to know;
What's there to come in the future.
And maybe ten years after everything
We'll stumble upon each other again,
laughing about how we broke each other's heart.
Love,
I don't ache as much as I used to
my bones are stronger and my soul is too
memories don't suffocate me anymore
I can think of what used to be and I'm still able to breathe.
The simply complexiteyof eating strawberries onHis kitchen counter,on the one night I had the chanceto lie in His bed,In the pure bliss ofsexual tension and spiritual connection.
Thought I could stay,That what I felt as strong enough that I would'nt feel like walking away.Thought I could stop this;All my doubts,But they keep me up at night,Trying to win this ceaseless war,
one
Sometimes, there are last Christmases, last birthdays, last goodbyes.
And sometimes, you don't know that that's what they are until they've gone by.
two
Everyday Ι walk over similar roads,
And in every way the same memories replay.
As my feet bring me to the places, my mind brings me to other times.
Back then, and today
It's been a long four years, each dwindling to an end a little faster than before.My last may be my last but it's all still just a first,Years and months of friends and then none.
There are many times I have wished to go back, to change the past.
Should’ve said this,
Should’ve done that.
The list goes on and on…
But this is not a movie,
And I don’t have a time machine.
I wish I was harsh
like the denial letter from a school.
I wish I was bitter
like a friend scorned.
I wish I could sting
even just half as bad as that whiskey you constantly down.
I wish I was rough
In my heart I’ll remember the spring trees and the taste of fruit early in the morning before the sun rises, high in the sky, and paints the world with color.
I was a little brat.
I threw tantrums.
I hit, bit, and scratched.
I didn't care about others.
I only thought about myself.
I loved myself.
I am alone.
I isolate myself.
I greet the day begrudgingly. The sunlight pools in my eyes like tears. It streams down my face and no matter how much I rub it does not come off.
I remember my first
A story about hidden pain
A story about the desperate cries
I remember my first
Because then, I had nothing to gain
I found my mind devouring the paper
To you I am just a guy,
A guy from whose cup you sipped bitterness,
With whom you shared a bed of loneliness.
From whose plate you ate pain,
To you I am just a guy,
Out of whose tongue deception oozes.
"I hope you always find a reason to smile. "-Anonymous
In the events that occurred
I hope you find what you've been missing
Burning bridges is dangerous.
It means an ultimatum,
A point of no return.
Once a bridge is burned,
You can never cross again.
Build a new bridge in its place, yes,
But that first bridge is gone forever.
If you compared her to a fire
You’d find they’re much the same
Her heart too hot to touch
The fire too wild to tame
I kept
Looking back
For a familiar
Face and voice
That smiled
And cheered me on
It hurt for so long
When I looked back
To see hesitance
And eyes looked away
It pained me
The strong voice
That proclaims
That I won't give up
Has withered
Into a whisper
That mumbles
I want to live
And people will talk
People will point
There will be laughs
I lost myself. Why? Why do you do this to me? Constantly blinding my eyes, clouding my mentality, forcing my heart to beat faster. Why? Why do you allow this to happen?
Do you
Ever feel
Like you're
Drowning
Like the
Sun
Has stopped
Shining
Do you ever
Feel the darkness
Eat away at you
All the while
Everything
Breaths puff out
In the cold chilly air
Frost dies underneath
And you don't care
You try to breathe
You lift your feet
To take a step
On that very long
Staircase
And you're gone
They smile
Well-meaning intentions
But how it hurts
Your brow furrows
You frown
At the impudence
You speak as if
You know me well
But knowing me
As a child
Does not mean
It's gone
It's past
It won't come back
It's dead
It's faded
There's a crack
In what once was
But now isn't
Anymore
It was open
But now
The door
Is closed
Beautiful lies
But once it turns
Into truth
It's ugly
And painful
I trusted you
With my bare heart
And even though
I gave support
And encouragement
When I prayed
Ever so still
Breathing slowly
In and out
But nothing
At all
Seems to come
From your heart
Icy frozen
Deep inside
Nothing breaks
The hard shell
Inside is air
A mountain to climb, an emotional high
A divot in our path, and suddenly we crash
Into the ocean, drowning in waves
I lie in bed, pleading for you to stay
A sky to navigate
The Great Unknown
A sigh escapes
Heart growing cold
Tears squeezed out
But nothing matters
Not at the moment
Everything is gone
Your life is a lie
Or so it seems
But no energy
Is left behind
See now it is over
you are with him
I must give up
and have hope for something else
move on
move on
move on
you have potential
move on
your mind must belong to yourself
Its been a long time coming,An that has gotta be known.That man's a Red Tornado;My broken heart he has thrown.
Whatever.
Whatever you say.
Whatever, I don't care...
Whatever that--whatever--means, he can't be bothered to care.
"Whatever" he said.
ARGH! Just makes me want to pull at my hair
I never felt safer laying in his arms, seemed like a story.
My happy place
I never felt more in love listening to his stories, living in a fairy tale.
My happy place
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.I say it in my head again.Again. Out loud. But just above a whisper.Repeat it again in the shower. It gets lost in the melody.Mixing in the steam in the background.
I've been broken and battered
Shaken and shattered
I've been waiting for patience
By God…
I wish life was more gracious
I had lost my way and couldn't see the light
To the girl that looks in the mirror,
Your thoughts are in the wind
you can’t catch them with your net,
you only tie them with your sin.
When I was young I blew up a balloon
Shiny and perfect like a cartoon,
I tied it’s string to my wrist, strong and new
Fearing it would leave when the wind blew.
Like my shadow it followed beside
so glad this happened
I am so happy for you
I'm just in shock is all
I'm not laughing
I don't think it's funny
these are not happy tears
a heart cannot break
As sitting alone lets me silently ponder,
Only does one such I start to wonder
What might have been, or what could still be…
Neither’s the answer to what I should see.
Remember a time when I could see future
i am in love
with the memories
of being in love
with good morning texts
and good night lullabies
Just say it.
say what your really think.
I'm a...
bitch
flirt
control freak
annoying brat
spoiled
severly OCD,
boring girl
crazy,
type A,
No regrets
No words to explain my thoughts,
my feelings,
my words.
Word’s I use to describe us
I’ve begun to realize
the strength
of the human spirit.
How much
pure tenacity it takes
to decide to continue.
I've begun to realize
that I’m
more than a brain,
Metamorphosis;
The process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form
In two or more stages.
Metamorphosis; maturity.
Caterpillars that eat their knowledge out of Milkweeds
My mind keeps replaying the mornings when i'd wake up with you on my mind.
2 hours away
getting ready, to look good--for you
getting butterflies in my stomach
All hopes are shattered
The damage is done and wounds, fresh
Time to cut all ties
Now, I can see. I can see myself, now,
The way you always seemed to see me:
Down on my knees, head touching the ground.
My friends never wanted to be me.
But, as I walk, now, head out of the clouds,
I'm sitting in the break room, trying to be alone...
reflecting on my past ; bitter because it's made me different
Yes, I have regrets and remembering adds salt to the wound
The other day she sat beside him for the first time in months
She watched his eyes brighten at the thought of his new life without her
But the way he sat on his hands told her he was fighting the urge to touch her cheek
take my hand and set me free,
from this dream of you and me.
Promise me one simple thing,
but where to start, where to begin?
maybe a hello,
or maybe goodbye
maybe some simple question,
Today would be memories of our journey
Together and apart,
Of struggles and triumphs over brokenness and unworthiness…
Today would be sweet nothings
funny stories
soft kisses
strong embraces…
Shut your mouth and listen to what it is I have to say
I will take you all back on that specific day
I was laying in my room listening to the two of you argue
They came floating down The River Wilson, their final destination Lake Walt. I stood by the bank, as a small child. What were they?
It's not your fault I'm afraid of the sea
Even though I ache for the open air and the salty breeze
I haven't escaped the shipwrecks on the shore
Some never had the chance to sail
Love is unbearable
it would be terrible.
Feeling the pain
believing he has something to gain.
Our life is full of lies and misconception
My presentation of myself is a lie
if only if someone can look behind my smiles into my lonely heart
if only if someone can tear down my walls once more
It's YOU!
It's always been YOU!
The one I run to when my life is a mess
The one that with a single smile kills all of my stree
Your the curve in my smile, the glow in my skin
When you've fallen
your arms detach from your body
the only thing that isn't numb is your sore heart
wet fingers caress your cheeks
and soak in your hair
nothing else matters
and everythings distant
You're all that's ran through her mind,
overthinking and lack of sleep,
What was it about you that captivated her?
Why was she in so deep?
Two years ago she was different,
She doesn’t love me the way I love her.She baited me like a fish on a lure,and I fell for every line.Now I’m stranded here by the wayside.
Of the anger I felt,
The pain deep inside,
The hopes that you dashed,
The need to hide,
The time I gave,
The life we made,
The kisses we shared,
The games we played,
The tender embraces,
It started in the cool winter night
Under the moon and stars
Surrounded by light.
Time stopped as the world spun
the center of the universe
where the two became one.
My love
You have come
Without words
Tongue less in the night
You see me but I cant
I've been bestowed a couple of times
but never by a goddess
Your crippled hands stretch
I am bittersweet,
Bittersweet and scared.
I am unable to let go
Of all my fears.
Interested in the journey,
But very wary of the road,
I'm worried by upcoming decisions
Love.Oh why the painnnnThat you have caused me.Just a curse, scars on my body.Broke me down too my knees,
My veins are running dry now,But I’ll try to write this one out.I’ll express the things I thinkWith what’s left of this ink.
I was quick to loose that respect for you only cause I realized it was respect you didn't deserve.
At one point you were on a pedastal so high, that everyone else was below you, to me.
They complain when i talk about my problems
Where can I be free?
Here I guess-
if you don't mind I will express myself.
It's been awhile now,
In fact it's been too long.
Not all scars show, and not all wounds heal
Sometimes you can't see the pain that others feel
Not all lies are false and not all truths are real
Sometimes lies are necessary to help you deal
Y’know that story about shells from the ocean
My mom used to tell me to hold them to my ear
There’s nothing to fear she would say
No crabs or little monsters today
I've dreams of where nothing but joy, love, and knowledge exist.
Followed by a sudden wake and a burst of reality.
The crop that you grow is the one that you step on.
You may not see it, may not acknowledge what you do.
Brown like a beautiful book of stories. Everything you told me. In this life I thought I would believe. A romance, a sparkle and a diamond ring. For that moment we were together. I thought that you would be.
It was during those 547 days with you
When I unknowingly conformed to the ideals
Of a perfect girlfriend.
At least that's what you told me:
That I was "perfect".
Consequently, I began to feel
It's time to let go and let God, literally
you're blind without faith
cause it's the source in which you see,
it leads your intuition and utilizes ambition,
faith creates an image so we can imitate Jesus,
It's kind of beautiful how the clouds float together
Folding into an oblivion
it's even more beautiful here with your head lying back
On my knees
I listen to your eyes,
Because they make everything so real
The Cycle
Pain keeps us afloat.
Pain keeps us sane.
It allows us to feel something.
Without pain, there is no love.
Without love, there is no sacrifice.
Connections I make
The faces I take
for granted
Moving with purpose
Showing only surface
gestures
Of good will
I hope to fill
a void
Every step brings me further
You messed up not me
you lost a great thing not me
you're the one who's alone and crying,not me
So don't try to compensate now, for the things you did then
I wanted you to be that person
I trusted you to be that person
The one who won't break my heart and make me cry
The one I could depend on to never lie
But my expectations were to high it seems
Curly brown hair,
Messy in a wonderful kind of way.
Green eyes, my favorite color.
Tall and lean and oh,
That smile.
That dimpled smile.
That smile that made it all seem alright
Tock
Tock
Wash your hands.
Remember: paper, lines, game.
Paper: history, English
O.
Did I lock my car?
Memorize your lines
Rehearsal rehearsal rehearsal.
Caught off guard;
Shock held silent grip;
A few sniffles emerged;
Red cups in a fence with a bouquet
Spelling the words
RIP Spez.
For the first time
Teachers sobed openly in front
What this money means to me
Is that one day I'll succeed
I'll succeed to achieve my dreams
These days feel like half-empty sheets of paper
and I don't have enough ink in my pen
My coffee has gone cold
but I continue drinking,
because drinking
is a nervous habit of mine
Alone the rain is not your friend
It soaks your coat and taps your head
Your feet grow cold and you fill with dread
When all is lost
And you think it’s over
Don’t forget to look over your shoulder
I will be there
We started with a "hey"
We ended in "good bye"
You left me on the floor
Pretending I'm fine
But you left me out to dry
And all you had were lies
I think about you everyday
When you start off young you see yourselfan astronaut among the starsor driving in all the fancy cars. You never know what mess you’ll get in
Sometimes I can't breathe
When you're walking next to me.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance
and just say 'Hello'.
You smile at me and I smile back,
I didn’t fall in love
I saw him and I fell on my face
Arse over tit, head over heels
Tumbling over my handlebars and headlong into something that
I didn’t understand but that he did
I did not fall in love
i loved you in the curve
of your upper lip budding laugh lines
at the edge of your eyes.
i loved you in
the swell of your lower lip
against my own and in
the stories the pads of
I thought it was a thing but it was just a fling,truely it was games played by a player. Thought I made myself clear about trust being dear.
What we had lives only in memories in my heart in my soul, in my mind.What we had is gone,gone,echoed only in our shadows.Gone from the light
I only see you in my dreams though I look for you always when I'm walking down the street and in every crowd I look out hoping to see your face (dreading actually seeing you,
If you really cared you'd wonder: where'd I been? How I was doing? Just what the hell happened that I dropped off the side of the earth?
He reads his words.
I listen to them,
Ponder them,
Then give feedback.
We discuss his artwork,
How he expresses himself,
And I try to tell him
How they affected me.
From this distance,
The outline of her is only visible.
Time has made a small impact,
But her coldness has caused the gap
I call her name,
Only to see her respond to another.
If you had listened
You would've known
That I wishing for you
But you never listened
Because you thought
You didn't have to
I told you everything
On my mind
But you should know
My fingers have froze the tips are bleeding a gentle stream of flowing red blood. Everything I love is slowly fading away or frozen in time within my mind.
Reaching out, gripping your hand with mine,
Muscles stretching, tendons straining to hold on.
My grip is starting to slip away; I Won't Let Go.
Your memories entrenched within my mind,
maybe it's better this way
maybe my self respect will transition from an oak
relying on your rain
to a cactus
growing toward her sun
because i know she won't be bitter
My life's movin' on.
New decisions, thus made.
The scars from first love and first sorrow
Are gettin' better each day.
Rays of sunshine drop in.
Past my desolate days.
I'm runnin' and comin'
Your name was once an omenA sacred prayer sent up to heavenThat set the sky ablazeIn your luminescent glory
Forget this town.Now I remember why I left.I don't need you now.
Maybe this is a sign.You might have beenjust a phase to me.
Getting over youwon't be easy.It'll take time.
thanks again for feeding a child grownwith your acid samplesand gold-flakes.
good-to-know there's time after allin the day.
I try to move on the the future, and forget about my past, I don't' wanna waste my life away so fast, you say i have a heart so strong, so everything I have done wasn't all wrong? I have made my mistakes, So I try to forget about the pointless he
when i was little, i was lonelyi looked for people like me -i found you, and you were greatfor a while at least.
I am not a girl
Who loses her head over-
Some boy-
who smiles at her-
just
so.
You caught me by suprise
An emotional accident, anomaly
Kindness, integrity and respect
With the heart of shear compassion and determination
Giving up will never be an option
But failing will not be shameful
Pain, the wound created out of events that life has burdened upon you.
Experience, the wound healed and turned to nothing, but a scar only to be vaguely remembered.
The heart-wrenching news you tell me nowadays
Is stored in the latched box of my distant mind; it decays
Into my deepest and darkest ponders,
And upon reminder is where this distraction wanders.
I want to know who I am
I thought I was you…that buried deep inside my soul somewhere lied an essence as pure as yours, not tainted by the neurosis
It's hard to be erased.
A whole chapter of my life a waste.
You fell at a different pace.
So now, tears are all I can taste.
I saved your pictures, just in case,
Although, I have memorized your face.
I long for a chance to know you again,
the way I used to..
To know the dark echoes of your heart,
and the pools of light that filled your eyes.
I wish I could drown in your self loathing
It’s 3am and I can hear myself breathing but I’m questioning the breaths.
What if I told you that I’m not really here?
I am just a blurry vision in the mirror where I slice my wrists and hold them up to God.
I drift
I never touch the surface
I never touch the sky
I am in between heaven and hell
Glory and guts
Existence and death.
Where I am
Shifts suddenly
I am on top
As the wind whips within my face. The cold sharp agonizing pain brings memories of disgrace.
Even flowers that give the sweetest scent
Must one day wither away.
But will you remember how strong they stood
Before their ultimate decay?
The future seems full of many days
I'm tearing down the tower
where you once lived
in the castle of my heart.
I'm gonna use all the stones,
you won't get any part
of the walls, ceiling, or floor.
The new tower will be better;
The first step can be the longest. When you want to forget someone. The first step can be challenging. When you feel as if you could never forget them. The first step can be the hardest. When you want to tell them everything. Let them now.
Do you know the difference?
It's your new-found lack of interest
The way we used to speak,
About this life,
That romantic time at Miller creek,
You made me feel so much alive,
(poems go here)Things come and go,
We sit and stare out the window.
Thinking what we’ll miss,
And would it be different if we hadn’t kiss.
One day there, here, and the next gone,
> Forever mine,
> Forever yours:
> words littered on
> innocent shores.
>
> Those promises
> collapsed by waves,
> when washed away,
> they've carved our graves.
I let you go a little more each dayI guess it's better that way.Losing you all at once bewilders my soulRipping away a part from a whole.Hey, best friendThought I knew you so well
I have forgotten the way
we loved with salt still on our skin,*
but not every secret
hurt. Blocked out the image of the stained blood
color of your lips against her pale parts, the sweetness
Don't try to explain yourself
I know the truth
I never want to be by myself
never wanted to hurt you.
Letters of blue,
background of gray.
A forlorn hue,
a fading day.
Memories made,
memories lost.
Characters built,
companions cost.
Childhood gone,
in body for sure.
Maturity's con,
To travel that yonder highway
A dream I once had
To travel to that far away place
Of familiarity and known
I ponder of when I will go
I do not care where
Only that it is far away from there
Memory let
your montage play
in the theater of my mind
to an audience of one.
Clips and pieces, images with sounds:
they scatter on the screen
as shape is taken and form is whole,
I once knew of a girl,
Roaming and young,
Who closed her eyes when it rained,
And envied the sun.
You only held me back. Clipped my wings so I couldn't fly.
Well look at me now. Soaring way up high and flying free.
You'll never again take that away from me.
The more I look, the more I see,
you never wanted me for me.
You only wanted what I was not,
well congratulations that's what you got.
The more I listen, the more I know.
To see everything else
Oh, when will it be
The home the love
Come with me
I read I learn
I dream of it all
The friends the words
Come with me
Out of Sight. Out of Mind.
sometimes it’s hard to find
the paradise I had in mind
I fight with all my might and
I’m still here. You’re still there.
Out of Sight. Still in Mind.
Champagne corks are popping, everyone's wishing you luck on your way.
You're leaving this life behind you, at least for a little while.
This set of people, these familiar sights and smells gone in a day.
Sitting here waiting
buzzzz
You text me, “Be right down”
“Be right down” turns into
Searching for a song on the radio
-night radio
….waiting
buzzzz
