Why is it that it is so easy to forgive other people, but we I have such a hard time forgiving me?
That I give myself one chance to get something right, but I give others two chances; sometimes I even give them three.
Lately I have been so hard on myself, and I am having such a hard time forgiving myself for the past,
But I know that I need to, or else these memories will haunt me and I know that they are going to last.
I am trying so hard to break those bad habits that got me to this spot in the first place,
But it is not easy to leave them completely and to have them be completely erased.
It took me a long time to realize that I do have an addiction, and it is not something that I wanted to admit,
But I realize that if I don't talk about it, then it is something that I am never going to quit.
It may seem ridiculous to some when there are people who need serious help to break their bad behavior,
But this is killing me because I know there is no professional help that I can get, and that I need to be my own savior.
I have been literally struggling with this for the past ten years, and I just want to try and heal from it,
But it seems like everytime that I try, I last two days before I am already ready to quit.
I know this won't be easy, but I want to take it one day at a time, and try my best to stick to this for just one week,
And I just need to fight like Hell, remain strong, and never allow myself to grow weak.
I know that breaking bad habits is not something that is going to be easy, but I also know that I can do this,
And lately it seems like everytime that I try to do this, I swing, but I just continue to miss.
I am promising myself now that this is the last time that I am starting new,
Because I have so much life to experience, and so many other things that I could do.
This has been controlling my life for too long, and I am ready to finally move on,
And I can't wait for this demon that I have been dealing with to finally be gone.
I know there is going to be a lot of days that I want to quit, and there are going to be a lot of tears that I am going to shed,
But that is much better that missing out on living the rest of my life, and that is something that I severly dread.
I deserve better than this, I know that I do, and I am ready to conquer it and to do it all,
And I know that it won't be perfect, but I will continue to rise everytime that I fall.
The first thing that I need to do is allow myself to forgive myself and to move forward with my life,
Because I am tired of being wrapped in these chains and being controlled by this knife.
I am siting here and I am saying to myself, "I'm sorry and I forgive you,
For everything from the past, and all that I have continued to put you through."
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The author is obviously struggling with some aspect of self-discipline . Old habits die hard. They say if you can make a change and continue for 21 days then you're well on your way to having developed a new habit. They also say that ninety days of change are required to call the death of that old habit. I can't say either way, I've never been able to make such dire changes that required 90 days to accomplish . The author's efforts at working so hard for change are certainly praiseworthy and she expressed the difficulty involved in a classic style. A good study in self-psychology I think JF