My mind keeps replaying the mornings when i'd wake up with you on my mind.
2 hours away
getting ready, to look good--for you
getting butterflies in my stomach
playing scenarios in my head that seemed like they were bound to happen
1 hour away
reading your vague, yet emoji filled text--
the "right things to say" that i was so aware of too, yet chose to ignore
30 min away
getting in the car and pulling out of the driveway and texting you I'm on my way
27 min away
receiving the "hurry up, i miss you" text and
feeling my heart leap at the thought,
yet drop when the voice in my head reminds me of your facade.
20 min away
on lagrange near that little pub and grill
thinking of what we'd do today
thinking of how i'd feel
thinking of how this should be
thinking of what this could turn into
thinking that this is what couples do,
yet a boyfriend shouldn't treat his girlfriend like this
15 min away
I'd be on lagrange approaching 95th street
13 minutes away knowing exactly how far away from your driveway i am because it was probably the 22nd time I've been there.
I'd pass the town homes on the right and think the same things each time because this was the new routine.
Pass the walgreens--
7 minutes away
anticipating how great this day would be,
letting my mind wander into false realities,
falseness and fantasies of you looking at me while I'm doing the smallest things like driving or laughing.
imaginary images of you looking at me like I'm everything you've ever wanted.
pass the interstate--5 min away
adrenaline filled anticipation flooding my bloodstream
dopamine being released in great numbers in my head making me feel on cloud nine,
yet being reminded that i'll soon crash,
but i just shrug this to the background
3 min away
at the light of 95th and ridgeland in the left hand lane,
pulling down the sun visor and dragging my bag to front seat to fix my makeup and spray the hollister scent you always complimented me on,
all while turning the wheel and hitting the gas and brake in perfect harmony
2 min away
approaching 91st street, where 12 houses down to the right you would be waiting
I can feel my stomach tie in knots
1 min away
0 min away
pulling up into your driveway
letting myself into your house
opening the door,
just to find myself standing alone
a flood crashing in,
breaking down your existence
carrying me out of this hole i threw myself in and propelling me indefinitely away
forcing me to move on.
watering me so i can grow.