i am in love

with the memories

of being in love

with good morning texts

and good night lullabies

i am in love

with stolen kisses

behind school stairwells

and those sacred words

peppered on our lips

i am in love

with scenarios of us

that never occurred

but when i think of you

i do not think

of sweet nothings

whispered in secret places

or loving arms

wrapped tightly

in sobbing shoulders

when i think

of loving you

i think of sour words

shouted through

decayed teeth

and i remember

late phone calls

ended early,

private tears

swiped in embarrassment

all ended

with the acidic truth

i should have known

i should have known

i should have known

but your words

your anger

your abuse

spoken just a little too sweetly

phrases just a little too charming

had me wrapped

around your finger

but without you

without you

my stomach has settled

and my head is calm

without you

i don’t hear your voice in my head anymore

when night overtook me

and i couldn’t sleep a wink

all i could hear

was you telling me

you loved me

and you would help me

but you

were the problem

without you

i am content

feeding off of

snatched kisses

in the backseats of cars

and nervous hands

held by anxious teengers

without

your eyes blank

with lack of remorse

saying

that you’ll only ever

love me

while you're cheating hands

remained still

as they gripped tightly to mine

you promised i was

the only one

tucked inside your heart

while she

was tucked inside

your moaning lips

your heavy breathing stomach

your marked collarbones

your clanking ankles

because what you were stealing from me

would never be enough

to satisfy

your thieving habits

but somehow

it was my fault

for carrying around money

in the first place

without you

i no longer find happiness

in people

but in the moments

spent huddled around my basement

laughing at pathetic scenarios

in the moments

i find myself

making a bold move

to flirt

to talk

to write

in the moments

i spend

without you

because

ever since i met you

i’ve only ever had one regret

and that regret

was you

-d.m.s.