mental illness
Learn more about other poetry terms
Cinnamon Sally,
With the heart of a cinnabun
And the aura of cinnamon
Prances around the fields
But the spice fills her nostrils
To where she can't breathe
Cinnamon Sally,
The more I fight
The more stupid I feel
For punching nothing but air
While I bleed from my gut
I try to land a punch
Hopefully land an uppercut
But the opposing boxer
To be alone;
To be afraid.
To be in cold;
To wish for shade.
To cry for help
And want to grow,
To hold an tight
I’m a shell of who I was
I'm just an actor in this performance
I dance to the music of my sweet sorrows
But the stage is still empty
I am the Director
Some days I look at you and think of how much you mean to me,
How I want to stay with you but can't stand to touch you,
How happy you can make me yet I still feel distant.
I scratch at my face
I know she's in there
Maybe if I go deep enough she’ll come back
But I bite my nails
Look in my eyes
When I was a teen I had a rat. A white dumbo rat, with red eyes, who was blind. Her name was Fresno, like the California nightcrawlers she bore resemblance to.
I wake upI feel in my bones it’s not the right timeIt’s been 15 hours since I fell asleepI close my eyes
I wake upMy body aches and my hands are icyIt’s been 7 hours since I fell asleepI sit up
mirror mirror on the wall
tell me if i've gotten prettier at all.
don't tell me try harder, starve, carve.
mirror mirror on the wall
why is it so hard to stay so small?
i've done all you told me to do
Y'ALL! I presented this poem in 2017 at a talent show and got a standing ovation.
If that isn't skills, I don't know what is. Anyways - thought I lost it, then I found it!
Please enjoy.
I am a warrior.
A warrior of blood and bone.
A warrior of heart and tears.
A warrior.
A warrior who cries so many tears that she competes with rivers.
pressure is physical
reality is suffocating
pain becomes reality
mentally im breaking
i sleep thirteen hours
just numbing my brain
pick out a smile
entertain for a while
Don't worry
There's no need
It's mild.
I have no need to scrub my skin raw
No need to compulsively arrange objects in a specific order
I do not quadruple-check windows, doors, the stove, my car
i was looking out the window at a flock of pigeons in the factory district.patient a, a melancholic, was nodding off, kicking and crushing empty coca-cola cans that he had tied to his body.
I keep them in my little box of altoids. on the second shelf in a wooden decoration I made last time I was stuck
people broke my soul so I chose to cut the parts they didn't like
I am never the one to call it quits
I am the one that quietly sits
There and takes the hits
Working hard to throw my hints
Sunshine gleams
and warms my scar covered arms,
and my scar covered insides.
The soothing warm breeze leaves gentle kisses
on my broken body,
and my broken heart.
I slash, I grab, and I wrinkle
I wither, I toss and I turn
I grab, I drag and I bend it
I slice it, I torture it, kill me
I vomit, I cry and I yearn
I scream and I yell but I sense it
Dear hopeless I of my past,
I could say it wouldn't last
But there is a storm on every horizon you see
Yet one future day you will wake and find yourself as me
I know how hard it had been
Give me a gentleness sweeter than the turn of the earth
And the rosy red faithfulness that pours from your lips
If I love you, I will smile, and set down the edge
The bubble in my chest is expanding,
Not with joy, but apprehension.
The desire to escape keeps nagging at my brain,
I see bloody wrists behind my eyelids.
Peter Piper Picked a Pair of Pills to Pop
Just to see what they’d do to him
He Popped a cocktail stocked with
Adderall, Buspar, Benzos and Zoloft-
Darkness overwhelms as night falls
Daylight seems so far away
The tunnel stretches, night continues
Daylight seems so far away
Dreams of light and feeling warm
Daylight seems so far away
Freezing in the open air
Feelings getting old
People seem to never care
Emotions getting cold
Running in to the fray
Taking flak from emotional spray
Dodging the depressing bullets
Manic by nature, recurring on paper
Therapists lose hope, increasing the dope
Drugs flowing free, needles, pills, killing spree
Blood Spackle the walls, as heroes continue their falls
They are always there
Even when i can't see them
I can sense them.
Creeping around the outskirts of my conscience
Venom seeping from their lips
You say you're broken.
That you're scattered and lost and falling apart.
You lean all of your weight on me.
Your limbs have fallen off.
You cry and cry and cry.
I pat your back.
My cereal bowl holds stale lucky charms and
Milk white atrocities
Bathing away the cobwebs
Of spiders better left alone
Break me down to flesh
Tear every string of meat from my bones
Grit your teeth through the fat
Savour every bit of muscle
I've made myself as digestible as I can
Eat all the best cuts from my battered corpse
Depression isn’t gentle
She doesn’t knock when she enters the room
Or text you before she comes over
Instead she kicks down the door and takes what is hers
She does not need your opinion
P
T
S
D
How long have I been doing this for, I got PTSD from the many years lost at war
On top of that I buried my skeletons under the bathroom floor
Where did that voice go?You remember it, right?
The one that muttered
Sharp, syrupy, perforating words
After each compliment
And about everyone else
It begins as a small seed
Lodged in your ear
Blocking all sound
Soon, the roots spread
Little brown threads reach down into the canal
I see the city lights
They’re a little too bright tonight
I’m going too fast in the fast lane
I’ve become a little more reckless
Since you left
I miss laughing with you
About everything and nothing
Laughing until we cried
And crying until we laughed
We were this unbreakable unit of people
It was a long time ago
That you tried to kiss me
In the creaking book store
Next to the little red diner
It was a long time ago that i thought
this body
a gift from god
i cut it open
through the ribbons
through the paper
through the tape
one for the boy
can you feel it
in my kiss?
sharper than the glass
embedded in my feet
if you hear it in my voice
the water
flowing upstream
you dragged a knife across my heart
the way i used to drag a blade across my skin
there was so much blood
there is so much blood
and i cannot stop the bleeding
you decided i needed open heart surgery
so you found the dullest blade you could
and began to rub it against my chest
until the skin finally began to tear
i take off my shirt,
turn my back to the mirror
and look at all of the scars-
taking a knife to my back
seems to be everyone’s favorite hobby,
you left before i got better
you left before i could make things right
you left before things could get really good
and i cant blame you
for getting tired of waiting
i am sorry i let you
stain your hands
in my dark places
i am sorry i watched you
ignore the orange signs
“danger ahead”
you buried our relationship
six feet underground
you didn’t leave a single flower,
you didn’t even bother
with a fucking tombstone
all i was to you,
every night i go to bed shaking
the tremors rip through my body
shaking hands, shaking hearts
i pull pillows to my chest
and i press down as hard as i can
"Touched with Fire"
- an intriguing title
to a book, then a movie
both deal with a thin line-
that hairsbreadth
between
madness
and art
genius
and frenzy...
It is a plunge
I was a witch the day I succumbed to the fire.
The woman--a traitor, I thought at the time--tricked me into boarding the mysterious carriage;
Rubbing her thumb across her bicep… up and down and up and down
Thinking of life before, what life even was—
What was a life if it meant nothing?
How is college?
She asks, I laugh
I quit
Her eyebrows
Drawn together, concerned
Are you eating?
I sip my black coffee
Chew my lip
The skin of which
being unable to disagree,because you're a bad person if you do
missing the person you love,even though they just went to bed
mood shifts without warning,all because someone said something wrong
I'm pacing in a public hallway
And the people staring at me need to-
Mind their business
I'm waiting for you to text me back
Press you down
And run you along.
Your pointed sharp end,
Draws a line on my skin.
Dull pain leaves,
Revealing only a faint,
Raised pink line.
Not enough,
Not what I wanted.
Darkness surrounds
It seeps within
It makes you think it’s the end
It makes you question everything
From being to end
No one can see your struggle for
Do you remember that time at that place with those people? How could I forget? Omg that was the best! I totally miss it! Remember that time that you were crying in the bathroom and I pretended I didn’t hear you? Oh yeah!
Cadbury eggs at 1 AM
How much lower could you be?
I know that it does not mean much
But it could be two or three?
Besides don’t I deserve this?
For waking up before it was 2
I start out young
Cloudy, foggy
No lighthouses in my mind
Shying away from my
Kind
Stressed
Depressed
And, ultimately, Repressed
Infortune weighing heavily
I sigh
growing up
the antonym of easythe symptoms hit meand everything changed
I am still the samebut in some ways I amdifferent
I have grown up six times.
The first time, I was stitting on a couch, watching television
when my father stormed in with eyes red as hot embers
yelling at my mother
who pretended she didn't remember
cheating
Crying, crying, crying.
Looking straight at the barren white wall.
My roommate was nowhere to be found,
So I knew I could let it all out.
But why, why, why
Was I crying so damn much?
I see Brian's head cracking against the concrete and his chest halt, his brawny frame taking its last breath on the asphalt. I see the boy whose name I cannot rip from my lips with a gun to his head, and the trigger he grips paints the wall red.
Had a foreboding stranger preemptively prophesied to my girl-self –
Of the past two years I endured, with the hollowed bones of a bird
Readily acquiescent to the beguiling caress of death
My therapist said that I might have PTSD;that the sight of any bug in my bed may send
me into hysterics. She says that I’m scythingtoo much skin off around my ankles, and my
Who she was dwindled away as the years went on,
I didn't really notice then she was gone,
She decieved me,
As her eyes crystalized and her words heated me,
I have never been able to say the words out loud.
But I definetly know without a doubt, my uncle is gone
He left in what seemed like the blink of an eye.
A suprise visit the week before Turkey day
there is a monster that lives in my bones
it has sharp claws, deep roots,
black-hearted and empty-stomached
it sucks at my marrow slowly slowly
its roots are not contained: they spread
How to get through The Bad Year
Come home from school every day and cover yourself with blankets
Cant you hear it?there is musicfrom behind the walls.whimsical windits callingbegginglisten listen listen
From swing sets and slides
To broken hearts and teary eyes
From riding bikes and wishing we were older
To realising it’s not as warm as we think
It’s colder.
When my parents first split
Is there a point to all this?
Some sense of release hidden behind years of
Doubtful ventures into nothing.
Can I outstretch these fastened wings,
And search for some greater feeling,
I was walking to the park
The sign said it was closed after dark, I don't care
The air was cool
It could've been colder
I saw a man sitting on a bench
Taking turns between his beer and cigarette
Some of you may say I'm a nutter
My tongue is smothered with peanut butter
Like a newly-shined shoe, no area is left untouched
However, this coating should have stayed in my lunch
It’s 12:47 AM.
You’re asleep, all tucked in bed
your head resting against the pillows of feathers plucked from white geese.
Stop counting those calories, storm. You look fine.
I know, and I've got it under control.
Eat your food. You're scaring me.
I've got it under control.
If you can, try to eat twice a day.
People say there are five stages of grief
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
Some people move on more quickly than others, and some never move on at all
It was a sunny day
The day I decided to die
Grabbing fate by the wrist, telling her “no more. I’m done playing your rules”
I smiled
You say I’m letting my health take the back seat
If you'd look closer you would see it’s not there
Search a little longer and you’d find a locked trunk
I am high and low
I wonder who I really am
I hear myself saying I’m alright
I see a struggle I don’t know if i can pass
I want for my friends not to have to worry
Shuck-Lily cuts herself and, by God,
I'm back in love again,
This is not my responsibility,
So why am I tending to you like an animal?
How are you doing?I guess I'm okayNo, you're notI'm not okayYou're still aliveI guess I amYou're still in painOf course I am
Through these perilous roads
Under the cover
Of the night sky
Glaring forces
Spring from the darkness
And with pain at the temples
Hi, I’m Mentally Ill
but Is this actually a surprise? I mean were you not able see past my fake smiles, my fake laughs and the fake face I put on each and everyday.
Standing at the top of this hill,
I sit, stand, and laugh at hell,
Thinking,
"What a perfect reflection we see of ourselves."
With respect,
"I know it may seem cold to say just what I see,
one) a boy who speaks with a thick accent. always gets up in the middle of group sessions to ‘use the bathroom’.
Rest your head upon my fragile shoulder,
Let my bones be your tired pillars.
Craving death, it's nothing new
You always tell me of your ache to bleed
Your soul has been starved
I'm´ drownin´ in my head, I just can't stop thinking,Maybe soon this heart will stop, so the thoughts will too.You're mind is scarred
within us all lives a thing
not a creature not a being
just an inescapable indescribable thing
we keep it hidden deep
in a dark corner of our minds we all want to forget about
I’m sorry, I️ can’t go out with you today
Why?
Because I’m sick, is what I️ say
It’s easier to tell a half truth, then explain why
I️ am sick
Ink on a page
Filled with color
Lines of stories never told
Sequences of secrets
Never unfold
People never breathed into creation
Late at night, the broken spirits sit on barstools, hunched over the counter like question marks
They ponder their place in this world
They drown their sorrows in bourbon to escape the outer flood attempting to engulf them
I'm just the wicker man.
Burning in the fire, flaming pyre.
Who's the one to blame when things go awry?
Just me. Scapegoat, dry eyes, sore throat.
I can't scream, it hurts.
I wasn’t always this lost, my days consumed by chaos
An era where everything makes me nervous
And every other day my mood drops, and rises
It’s always a fight to find my way through this mind fog
"Does it make you happy,
To burn the world around you?
To set everything ablaze and watch as chaos reigns?
Why?
When the Earth burns, you burn with it."
"That's the idea."
Inhale.
My hands shake, my head aches, my chest heaves.
Panic, fear, doubts are all I hear.
It’s a silent but seen demon that creeps, and steals and ruins.
I have been beaten and shamed
My heart has broken, my mind has fallen apart
But surrounded by my struggles
I’m still standing.
Taking a day's anxiety
and turning it into a burning desire
by walking into a kitchen
and make a flambe with fire.
Turning a day of self doubt
into an impeccible entree,
my head is constantly telling me
I am scared, I am anxiety
chest hurts, nervous, taking prescriptions
panic attacks, pain, and other mind numbing symptoms
but through and through I try to find hope
I laugh along so people assume it’s a joke
I cry inside, though they don’t see I’m broke
I feel numb and blame it on the loss of sleep
But this sleep I’m not getting, derives from the happiness I can’t keep
i don't really know what i'm doing here. really, i'm just trying to get by.
i don't think life has a purpose, but that doesn't matter.
my life has no direction, but somehow, i have a natural optimism. an optimism that is
She looks at the mirror
with glistening tears
staring at what nobody else could ever see.
Scars invisible to the world
mar all of her thoughts in regard
to what she could be
and what she sould see
I see it over there on the horizon and dread what it is to come.
Knowing there is no escaping makes me feel all numb.
Oh why on why do I feel this way, I thought I got help.
You brought me into the world,
So gracefully,
You told me you were actually supping soup,
Happily.
The connection I had with you,
Very closely,
So safe I felt,
Much security.
An icon, but she’s not just pretty.
Originally known as Norma Jeane,
Marilyn Monroe proved she was witty.
The fifties, you could see her in any scene.
this room of stained carpet, of watermarked cherry dressers, and of desks cluttered with pens and notes of well-wishes is my suicide draft
I once read a story
a long time ago
that depression was like a bad dog
who creeps up on you slow.
I have bipolar
it's an ugly disease
another kind of bad dog
who never really leaves.
Come, come, come with me
Let’s embrace each other,
seep into me.
It’s warm and deep.
But there’s something underneath.
trauma is a teacher
fired from catholic boarding school
its leather bound ruler raps your knuckles
“pay attention!” it barks
“the world will not rest for you, lazy girl!”
“the world is cruel and cold, a demon
Not all mentors are positive
I’ve come to realize
In fact, mine is quite causative
Of things from which I agonize
He calls himself Pierre
And he hides inside my head
I wish
you were not here
but since you are
be my fuel
It's hard to breathe
and it's hard to focus
but you are here
be my fuel
It takes so much
to do so little
When I wrote her love songs,
you cried
because they were
“Just that good.”
And I was falling
and falling
and falling.
Born of a minority race
Adorned of comments and nitpicking
You grow a thick skin when subjected to
Adolescent Bullying
Spitting image of an Abuser
Mother couldn’t take it
A gnashing cruelty and an
unfading whine like
A VCR spilled over with vase-water,
Keeps the shadowed part of me
Beating;
It is not a reflection of the
Upbringing that
Depression sulks in the basement, Shrouded in his darkened cloaks,Whispering promises of a never present end.
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
is this ok?
am i ok?
is it ok that i exist?
always the questions
that continue to persist
in the mind of mankind
always the struggle
to overcome
to continue in a game
I am a caricature of a whisper
My breath tries and fails to stand on its’ own
Not daring to speak my truth
The only escape through the pages I am named for
You are a galaxy.
A collection of beautiful fragments that shine.
You are a galaxy.
The planets that orbit your mind are home to brilliance.
I hesitate.
Replaying your comment in my head.
Say something.
Say anything.
Speak up.
Speak OUT.
But enough though I want to,
I don't say anything.
I don't.
by Ariel Douglas (8 October 2014)
Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
even though I know You’re right beside me.
Sometimes I think I’m on my own
Sweet soft rhymes rhythmic against ears so eager
Eat every word with sweet salivating stealth
Poems provoke pieces of me
Hanging on the quatrain I quiver through questions of who I am
Puppet
Trigger warning: rape, eating disorder, mental illness, self-harm
I have always been your doll
You’ve always just sat there and watched me fall
it never stops
the noise within
no breaks
no holidays
no timeouts
Consistency
Intensity
waves of volume weigh me down
particular voices come to mind
always pessimestic
Speak not of my bloodied chest,
but pray instead for some forgotten justice !
Fair Lady Wind, your presence is as welcome
as the flow of my precious life-blood.
I will evermore search of your beauteous
How can anyone love me?
I have too many issues...
Not who I want to be.
My feelings are misused.
I choke on my words.
You say I’m shy…
The little girl
Could just not sleep
Because her thoughts
Were way too deep
Her mind had gone
Out for a stroll
And fallen down
there’s a woman
who wasn’t the best mother
she had depression
it was quite sad
even tried to take her life
IT GETS BETTER.
It seems like such a cliche.
Honestly, I know how it sounds,
and how those words make you feel:
annoyed, devalued, misunderstood.
It seems like a lie,
it feels impossible,
i don’t know how to describe it,
the burning in my throat
the tingle on my lips.
It’s something sinister,
searching for something to kill.
It spent It’s time
the best part of the norovirus
is that while it robs you of your breath,
leaves you sweat-shaking with hot chills in bed
it also steals your appetite
finally,
to be empty by no willpower of my own
I am trapped
inside my body
the shell of a girl who cries at the thought
of breakfast, lunch and dinner
or the days when I say "fuck it"
and eat how I should
just to be punished by someone screaming
It's funny how stuff works out,
No matter how loud I shout,
You can't hear.
It's funny how shrill I cry,
Funny how much I try
To disappear.
But it's the holiday season, so what is my reason to die?
Sometimes I want to be dead,
But usually, I don't.
After all, it's all in my head,
So, of course, I certainly won't.
But I don't want to be alive,
At least not alive like this.
I believe I'm nocturnal
Why may you ask?
Because sleep doesn't exist at night
but you see, nocturnals at least sleep during the day
So I must be a vampire
but vampires have a lot of energy
We. Are. Dying.
Welcome to hell!
Welcome to the fucked up generation
of pill poppers
and suicidal kids
and anxiety
and mental illness
Welcome to our 3 AM
our 2: 20 PM
Dear Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, You have me on the edge of my seat shaking my head to rid myself of unwanted thoughts. My mind is a race because of you.
To my depression:
I spent too long loving you
and being held hostage to the
warmth you’d radiate
because I was always so cold
I stand outside.
Outside of the boundaries you set for me.
Why am I outcasted from this "perfect world".
Yet, if this world is so perfect,
why is anyone outcasted?
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling alone.
dear brain,
the thing is, we’re screwed.
the thing is, we’re at the end of the line.
Dear Ana,
I know,
I know I failed,
I know I should have done better.
I know, I know, I know.
I’ll find you one day, I promise.
I almost had you, but I let go.
I let them take you away from me.
Dear Obsess
Obsess
Obsess
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Are you really sure we need to keep
Checking and washing
And checking
Dear You,
Remember when we met?
Summer before eighth grade
The sun dripped honey and the leaves whispered secrets
But You
Dear Depression,
You made hospitals feel like home,
And home feel like hell.
You took an innocent little girl,
And made her a troublesome teen.
You ruined my idea of love,
there's something in my brainit's pounding at my skullit's so angry and it's so sadthere's nowhere i can run
You told me to try and write happy poems
So it would therefore be wrong of me
To not make such an attempt
I give you this
As I figure out how to write "happy":
Without you, I would be dead,
I think the day you told me
That the words ‘post-traumatic stress disorder’
Could be applied to my name
Is the day I was truly went crazy.
The day that poems started falling
I’m kind of sick and kind of sad
But if I’m honest
Neither one really fits
‘Cause only a few have hearts good enough
For life to take an ice cream scooper
And dig the carton of their soul hollow
To whomsoever that it may concern:
I write this as a spirit looking back,
Back, back, to you, and hope that you may learn
Last night of October—we lay on the floorWarmly aligned from our shoulders to hipsBy the orange soda fizz of a loud movie scoreLast night of October—we lay on the floorIn the dusty blue attic beneath the trapdoor
Hey little me,
How is 9th grade treating you?
Still scared of talking to boys?
Still terrified to admit you like girls?
I know your grades are slipping.
And no, it's not because you're stupid
To the person I have been:
You were a young girl who carried the weight
of the world on your shoulders.
You were a sea of consciousness,
Do you ever have those days where your blood rots in your veins,
your stomach sinks and your skin itches, your bones burn into dust.
Dear future lover,
I am not easy to love.
I am unworthy. I will shower you in affection and yet feel as though I do not deserve yours
we are monsters together,
huddled under the bed
of our childhood selves,
keeping each other warm
when there is nothing to eat
but nightmares.
The worst part is that no matter
who I am with
I am lonely
So lonely that I will slice open my skin bag
in hopes that I will find
friends in my scars
But I never do
I only find blood
It was the way he chewed on his nails until his fingers were raw.
The way he trembled and studdered and looked around like he was watching out for something.
Fidgeting and stumbling on his words,
I'm sorry I'm such a mess and you gotyourself tangled up in this but pleasedon't fucking leave me because thesky and the stars and the moon don'treally make sense without you
Dear Past Me,
You are only just beginning a long and tiring journey
to find who you are and to let go of who you never truly were.
It is a journey that will wear you down to your core until you are struggling
It's like
they ask you to play a video game
and you're expected to win.
You try your best, but there's a
ball of wool
in front of the screen.
Occasionally your fingers go numb
dear depression-
you, the first face i see,
lying on the pillow next to me
a shameless smile as you
try to convince me,
"stay in bed today"
so i stay
and i stay
I see the world in black and grey.
You call it dull, but I like it that way.
Through all of the heartbreak and all of the pain,
the world looks better in the black and the grey.
No room for emotions.
Every time you ask me how I'm doingI tell you I'm goodThat life is greatThat I'm happyWhat I didn't tell youIs that I haven't slept in three daysThat my mind is exhaustedWhat I didn't tell you
Dear you,
If you haven't heard it today
I believe in you,
even though we've never met.
I believe in you because I know it is hard
to believe in yourself,
Dear Attention Deficit Disorder,
I would appreciate you more if you were further away,
If you were something to march for,
Not something to fight,
It's not fun to live this way,
I want out.
Stop twitching every time you mumble those around you worrythey wonder what you say under your breath when you make those jokes people get uncomfortable unsure of whether to laugh along
dear past, present, and future self,
you fall in love at thirteen
it is may and you are sick again
delicate and easy prey you are
but you pray
Dear Depression,
Are you enjoying yourself?
This is another day.
Why can’t you just leave me!
You rest on me like dust on an unused bookshelf.
You bring nothing but distaste; I wonder what it must be
I have devils in my pocket.
Two little devils.
They snag crumbs from my plate,
They wait patiently outside the shower,
They sit on my night stand as I sleep.
Sometimes they are more noticable,
writing’s gotten harder than it used to be
leaves thickening,
stars playing games
with the sticks they throw at me
I don't want you to think it's over
This is just the beginning
Let repetition kill the potency
Of the demons’ chant “we’re winning”
Listen just one more time
In my darkest moment,
You were there to cradle me
Somehow you became my opponent
Preventing me from being free
You and I together
Perpetuated my pain
The way dark and stormy weather
I've been moving my lips for years and years,but no words burst forth, there are so few listening ears. I search and I search for someone who would understand,but my fears and failures seem so out of hand. All these faces around me- I quiver lik
the days you spend
no longer feeling the familiar ache in your chest
noticing how at ease you feel
wondering how long this feeling has been here but you were too unaware to notice
grateful
but confused
a hole in the heart,
a gap in the soul.
the ever-widening
rift of fear,
isolation,
and paranoia,
cracking the mind.
If there is one thing I want,it is to not be a wasted life.I want to say I did things for people.I want to saythat I became a playground for everyone’sdemons,a place for people to leave what won’t
Did you know there's a tiny
immeasurable space between everything?
No matter how close you are to something,
you'll never actually be touching.
I'd grind a mirror to dust
with my bare hands
if it meant
I never had to look
at myself again.
I'd burn every book I own
Don't forget to take your medicine; because I love you.
Talk to me about how you're feeling; because I love you.
Are you having a rough day? I promise you'll be okay.
Just lay with me for now. Because I love you.
Memories of being miserable
taint all my favorite places.
Like seeing someone
that makes you uneasy
for the first time in years.
Depression is not eating for days.
Depression is greasy, unbrushed hair.
Depression is laying on the couch for hours, crying, fighting an internal battle to get up and do something.
you are more than I deserve
than I will ever deserve
you are the cool and glorious rains that fall
blissfully to the scorched lands
that have been plagued
by drought
you are more than I deserve
than I will ever deserve
you are the cool and glorious rains that fall
blissfully to the scorched lands
that have been plagued
by drought
I can be pleasant
engaged, inviting.
Giving off warmth like a space heater.
I can also be cold
short, and sometimes impolite.
Sometimes absent and
detached.
How can you smile
knowing that peopl are dying
because they are sick of trying
to appease the critics,
to appease the man,
to appease the woman,
and those in command.
They are taking their lives
Rapunzel was alone most days and most nights
She grew sad and felt no meaning was meant for her
Her golden hair grew long and luscious
Her once bright purple dress turned cold and frail
What if Cinderella was actually a slave whose prince led her through the Underground Railroad?
What if Aurora had social anxiety?
What if Snow White had Dissociative Identity Disorder?
Once upon a time,
A princess sat inside a tomb
-a crystal coffin set by dwarves
beneath the light of crescent moon-
They watched her blink her glassy eyes
Snow White doesn't stay in a house.
She doesn't depend on a variety of dwarves who grump about.
She goes outside.
“Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there is time.”
When is that time?
I’m kind of disruptive.
My thoughts are racing but they only go in circles
They're coming for you
Turn the lights on and off 14 times
You're gonna get pregnant
Smoke another cigarette
They're coming for you
I am too much, too much.
Too quiet they say, too shy
(I'm obnoxious when I talk, it's better this way)
Too rebellious, they say, too passionate
(I'm just trying to find my way, never thought I'd reach 18)
Dear Doubtful Loved Ones,
My mental illness is not a product
Of failed relationships.
My mental illness is not a result
Of someone not loving me.
My mental illness is not based
Don't you feel the noose of night
slowly tightening around your thoughts.
Sufficating you slowly.
You hold a blade in your hand
slashing at the silence that hides it all...
the things you never said
I am angry
I am angry at the word Society
I am angry that people still think Anorexia is just for girls
and I am angry at the term "Pro Ana."
Hello boys and girls, I want to tell you all a story.
Do not worry this isn't long at all and I will be done here shortly.
Once upon a time there was a girl who looked just like me-
they cam e back
this time they wanted my hands
so I couldnt lay fingerprints on anything anymore
no evidence of my evil
just poison from my wrists they wanted to see
The echoing halls are ringing
with the forgotten cries
comming from a raw throat.
Nobody will turn to look at her
as she cries for help,
dying on the inside.
Nobody will hear her
I was born in the fall of 1998, to a woman I never called mom.
Picked up at four months old, by a couple looking for a daughter.
My formative years were great…except when they weren't.
Do you want to know what lurks in the deep?
Beneath my bare skin and white teeth
Sitting deep within the bones
Screaming, aching, and groaning.
In the endless pit within my mind
The voices echoing…
A small bottle
A brush
Heavy paper
Covered in crevices
And teeth
Pressure
It takes pressure
Will they ever know how much they mean to me?
How even on the hardest days they could make me smile?
When I was at my worst
when I had no reason to go on,
when I was done with the world,
My head is full of tearsBut none of them ever hits the groundMy heart is pierced by a thousand spearsHelp is nowhere to be found
People died,I survivedBut I do not know for how long
Mechanical gears grinding in a damp room beneath the surface
Metal on metal , ear piercing racket , the noise resonates within
Yet remains muted from above
I love sleep.
From daydreams to nightmares, I could live in my dreams forever.
No matter how vivid those other worlds appear to be,
Nor how terrifying the chases are,
Damn, I just lost my fucking blade againCuts all on my thighs, what a fucked up work of art Broke the pencil sharpener today at schoolRipped the blade out and shoved it in my shoeWent home and locked the bedroom door
I've been an exception from the day I was born
coming out- one more
being native American- one more
the head doesn't work without the pills- one more
nobody told us that the declaration had a clause
We are praised for being independent, strong willed, and educated
But when we rise to fight for the rights of others, told:
“Don’t go burning your bra”
Some days you are a puddle
barely rippling
in the steady breeze,
broken on the edges
where cracks took you away.
These times you will feel defeated,
A friend asked me how to be a writer.I wanted to say,lock yourself in a room,scream until you have a poem and no voice.Open your veins and bleed until you know that your bones
I write because
if I didn’t
you’d find me dead with
a pen by my side.
I try to break free
from the bones that control me,
Depression is overly romanticized
Young adult novels have the annoying habit of
Portraying it as the skinny white girl who cries on her couch
Before prince charming swoops her away
The first time I heard of anorexia
I was eleven years old.
A girl in my class had passed out in the lunch line because she was starving herself.
The ironic thing was,
She was about to buy an ice cream desert.
Did you know people have pain they never show.Everyone has a story hidden in their hearts.Some are hurt; others broken and that's not the worst part.The worst part is you never noticed thisor maybe it was just missed in this consuming abyss we cal
I have reached a point in my life where
I wake up most days feeling somewhere between “okay” and so goddamn happy
That I feel like a kid climbing a tree who has just reached a branch
People cannot be broken
Nevertheless, there will come a time
When you meet someone who will make you feel like
Hundreds of pieces of pottery
Scattered on the ground
I arrive at the scene.
A reported disorderly conduct, undeniably located inside of my brain.
'Surprised' is not a word to describe my reaction to find the two suspects.
Depression and Anxiety.
"And how would you describe the pain?",she asked me
Her kind voice holding an edge of caution
Like she was afraid of me
Like somehow my mental pain is something contagious
A disease you can catch
A broken head and broken soul
Struggling to make sense.
The past two months took a tole
I feel my body on defense.
As I look to the ones close,
They don't know how to help.
My mom thinks she knows
I am courageous and hopefulI wonder if I will ever truly recoverI hear my ED and OCD thoughtsI see a possible future without recovery and that scares meI want recovery and freedomI am courageous and hopeful
She never liked the way her clothes fit on top of the skin that also never fit quite right. Her hands had always held things too tight and her feet could never run fast enough. She was either too much or too little for a demanding world.
The attention span of a teenager is no more than 20 minutes But
I sit in my 90 minute English class
Sitting in my bland grey, uncomfortable chair
I hear my teacher say
“yeah, I used to get panic attacks myself.” my ease surprises me. I’m relaxed, not like the calm before a storm when havoc is about to wreak. just calm. no storm.
Once I found a coffee shop overlooked by a thousand Others.
Through the glass, a thousand Others I ignored back.
The sky carried dark clouds on its back.
One might question the sanctity of the doctor who prescribes you new medication,While simultaneously asking you to remove the sutures from your last hospital visit.
In the year of
still not our lord
but better known as 2016
I celebrated
I grieved
and was introduced to a newer
I am a girl of six
Playing with bones and stones and sticks
Wondering if words will ever stick
Not knowing that in a decade, I’ll be lonely and sick
I am a girl of ten
"Fuck."
"I want to die," I say.
"I wasn't supposed to let it get this bad again," I say.
As if I have any choice in the matter.
As if my brain isn't the traitor here.
The pain started in his head, bouncing between his ears like a bullet richocheting through a tunnel.
Soon enough the pain slithered down his throat and into his lungs, clinging and growing like a fungus.
I’ve heard, my dear, that you aren’t okay.
I’ve heard you crying, I’ve heard you say:
“I give up, I tell you. I surrender my soul.”
But I promise you that one day, you will be whole.
Golden hair on brown skin--unPalatable.
Unfilled eyebrows, sparse as this country's humanity--indolEnt
Fierce disease causes cruel brusing on body--compLains she has bed bugs.
My whole life has been leading up to this class-this moment.
I am in AP Art.
I’ve made it.
I’m one of the strong ones, holding tight through the current
Shadows line the walls
When sun light fades
And darkness falls.
And into the abyss
The tormenting pit
We find ourselves bound.
The ropes of doubt
The shackles of fear
I never will forget
All the things that I’ll regret
And all the memories that passed me by
For it was like a haze
A bleak denial infused craze
A thick black fog covering the night sky
Mask hides
sad mind
weights pull
I wish to fly
can’t break
chains of pain
toss and turn
lack of sleep
Do you ever feel you're spread too thin?
You see blue veins superficial to your skin.
As you cleanch your fists and lock your jaw,
You can't help but feel defeated.
So take a breath and ease your mind,
Looking out you see 23 faces
Some paying more attention than others
Some taking more thorough notes than others
Some eyes knowing, and others glazed over
Look at her arm
Littered in bruises
Brown and yellow and green
But where did they come from
Why do they make her smile
Pause
She builds these walls so high
She hurts herself like this
Because it’s her only shield
Bt’s her only way to protect herself
It’s her only way to live
The corpse is covered in scars
Each a memory splattered with pain
On some parts, skin is still violently red
Trying desperately to heal itself
Dear Child
There’s a monster in your midst
Don’t run and hide, for she’s not here to hurt you
She doesn’t have scary fangs or claws, but don’t be fooled
I’m so tired of hearing the same things“it’s not healthy”“that’s not good”“you shouldn’t do that”no shitno shit it’s not healthyno shit it’s not goodno shit i should do it but i do
Look at her What do you see?Who do you see?You see a smiling faceYou see the person you knowThe person you loveYou hear the same voice you knowShe says the things you expect her to say
people always ask
“what do you want to be?”
“what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Nurses, architects, teachers, and politicians
Everyone lists a job
I put the inanimate over my head, to protect my mind from gathering more unwanted thoughts
These thoughts fuel my eyelids as they become triggers my lashes ever so slightly pull
The unheard words cluster around me
Tortured souls begging me to save them
I refuse
I push them aside, burying emotions
I put them 6 feet under
Life is a bipolar frenemy
Who constantly throws you surprise parties
Good, and bad
In no particular order, just to scare you
One day my slice wears a face of joy
Took my youth for granted
Now I’m stuck in a sandpit of broken dreams and neglected responsibilities
My mind is constantly telling me that I can do better
But no matter what
I hate myself
it doesn't show
I smile and joke
but inside it grows
like a fire
burning away
my sanity
tricking others
into loving me
I'm nothing,
leave me be.
the crashing noise of the cascade
below triggers a feeling of joy
in my cataclysmic mind.
it is not often that i am filled
with the warming sense of jubilation
Deep,
Deep,
Blue.
Blue hands.
Blue lips.
Blue lungs.
Blue hearts.
Sinking down.
To the vast blue ocean
Of my stomach.
Strangled.
crying, crying
always crying
the tears never seem to end
never speaking my mind
you ask me to open up to you
to let my thoughts be free
did you really think that i could bend just because?
I was stopped by a man in a room made of gold
He sat and told me his life story
yet he couldn't look me in the eyes
as he called me beautiful
We were both looking for "God" in all the wrong places
My owner wants me to play catch
So he keeps throwing his pretty frisbee my way
The frisbee may be pretty, but I want to chase my tail
We were introduced to medication at seven and eleven.
My brother's first thought was to break open the capsule
To the sound of my parents saying, "No, no, no."
Now we're poppin' pills from PEZ dispensers
I didn’t choose this.
I am broken, huh?
Fate’s trashed what’s left of this…
spoiled my remanence.
Cursed, mortal drama.
Neither a resemblance,
Of patchwork done by those oh so ignorant.
You never know, never see
can never really tell for sure because
everyone has different limits
everyone has different heights
and even if it's not
bad for you
it might be bad for them.
Forgive me,
but I have such a hard time believing that you're being sincere.
I feel my fingers rattling—
tapping other bones,
nervously checking my phone,
Left alone , all aloneyet the house is full she faked her smile because with eher xeprience she believedthe world was cruel ever
Blood seeps into every corner, every edge and every turn of my nails and for every heartbeat that echoes in my rib cage
voices starts to yell.
The rose is mineI cherished itIt's something sacred and uniqueSome give it up so fastGive it away at any momentTo a boy or a girl
Image: Picasso's The Old Guitarist
It isn't crying or sobbing.
There are no tissues with slice-of-life movies.
It isn't listening to sad music
While wishing for happier days.
in the mountains, the oxygen isn't enough. i breathe but i want more, more, more.
i want to climb higher. i am tired and awake. tears in my eyes, i am laughing. i am so close to the sun, like Icarus, i want to be set on fire
They say that the most talented are also some of the most broken
That the authors of poems and the artists of paintings had to have felt so much more fiercely than others to create such beauty
When did you realize that there was nobody you needed but yourself? How could you tell that you would always be there and that they would not? When you find yourself unable to rise in the morning unable to turn the faucet on to clean your face una
I feel my toes in the sand and look back
I look back at who I was and feel small
I was the sand, soft and pliable and weak
The waves, they used to push and crash on me
They were strong and forceful and full of life
Poetry is therapeutic
I lower my pen to paper
And I don't have to pay one hundred-forty dollars for temporary peace of mind
Tears released
Breath finally caught
I am whole
It is memory
The bad
don't flatter yourself darling
they never loved you
they never even
loved the idea
of you
they loved the fact that you're
both easy and a challenge
you're just running
What if I told you that poets were overrated?
Someone who can only write when they’re sad,
Or in love or in bliss or in need of desperate rent money,
Is like a flower that only drinks from a tsunami.
Jay was a woman: Elegant, and Porcelain in Her complexion.
She Lit-up Rooms effortlessly, a mere smile was all it took.
Unfortunately, She was fickle, which tainted this perfection.
I feel like a Dinosaur.
While all of you are busy trying to decide whether you're
happy, mad, sad,
or just in love,
I am busy being a Dinosaur.
Specifically, a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
can’t tell people anything
they think i’m crazy
i guess i am
but all i need
is someone to listen
and understand
without having to plead
Can anyone love me?
Would anybody be willing to withstand
My horrible insecurity,
The side of me I hide?
Would you be willing to tell me
It will be alright,
When you know I don't believe you?
I had choice to make
My laptop sat open with
A blank document glaring at me,
While a blade sat rested in my
Favorite copy of Jane Eyre on my shelf.
One of the hardest things I do
Is talk to you.
It doesn't happen until I snap,
And all hell breaks loose.
I try to tell you,
But the words are impossible to find.
When I do my best it is dismissed.
I laid down in the dark,
Strapped in a jacket on my bed,
With orange-bottled pills
To keep the voices from my head.
But in the depth of silence
I plant my feet slowly and reach out all around
Fingertips brushing up against the thoughts in my head
They seem to scream but my lips are bound
Shushing them, I see my mind was mislead
There is this deep, evasive emptinessthat never ceases to lack control.That conquers and escapes,that stirs quiet chaos in my soul.
I'm okay,
When I refuse to look you in the eye.
I'm okay,
When I hide in the shadows.
I'm okay,
When I hide behind my fringe.
I'm okay,
When the world is ignoring me.
I'm okay,
They say it isn't hard to get well.
That it gets better with time.
It isn't that simple.
They say it is a matter of will,
A matter of desire,
But it's not true.
When I call out,
And ask for help
Nothing seems to come.
Just my echoing voice
Bounces back, leaving me alone.
The echo comes in your criticism,
And what you point out as wrong,
They don't know about it.
The anxiety I face.
When I have to go to a place,
Where I know little to no people.
From working at the restaurant,
To a party at my friend's place.
Maybe I am ill,
Perhaps I am not,
But the issues many of us face
Remain unseen.
So I ask that people read along.
Look into my head,
And into what I have seen.
This is why I write my poetry.
Author's Note: This was a poem written by Catrina Sable, a good friend of mine, and myself. Enjoy!
Two girls that feel alone
Lost in their head
Replaying the battles,
Hearing the never ending screams,
Not to rain on your parade
But I’m not the fragile crybaby you think I am.
You see,
Suicidal thoughts weight a ton
I trek through concrete jungles
With 500 pounds of loneliness on my backpack,
It seemed logical at the time.
But now I stare at the scars,
Demonized by those around me.
To them each one is ugly,
To them each one is alienating.
To them each one is my insanity.
Maybe I am going insane.
When I want to break down,
Cry for the stupidest thing.
Cry over the fact that I hate myself,
That I will never be good enough for you,
Absolutely not for myself.
Shadows put words in my brain
That I can barely fathom
Running back and forth
At the speed of light and
I'm trying with all my might
Because
I'm on this ledge
But I'm afraid to jump
WELCOME HOME! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU! I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK! YOU WERE GONE FOR QUITE A WHILE, YOU KNOW. BUT NOW WE'RE TOGETHER AGAIN! I'M SO HAPPY! HOW ARE YOU? HAHAHA, DON'T ANSWER THAT.
Carved it out of my heart, Blood dripping down my hands, I don't understand myself,I don't understand you,
I love my friends. They're always there for me when I need them, A fucking lie; they're useless, terribly frivolous rats, who never stop to consider--
My wrist, formless, shifting and breaking like a cloud;You grab hold, tightly--too tightly,And I vaporize before your eyes.
You creep into my mind
And it's like I can't be sane without you.
You kept me high all the time.
Your touch was so intoxicating.
All I want is to have you in my arms again
And hear your voice next to my ear.
The voice in my head never stopsDay in and day outIt repeats what I’ve done wrongI can’t get through a day without regretting my pastMy head hurts more than my heart ever didMy heart was broken but I found a glue stickBut my mind is a tool that gl
Picture painting on a smile
Beautiful brushstrokes create compelling art
But it hasn't been real in a while
So the artistry begins to fall apart
Welcome to the Illness
It kills this realness
I never loved you
You're better off dead
Hope itself left you
Father's words shouting in her head
Her heart scarred deep
Here's the reason why she bled
Hating who I am
Loneliness lusts for souls like mine
Hopefulness hides in souls like yours
I am weathered and withered, weary and worn
My soul's the night, but yours is the morn.
All you do is hurt me.
Your actions are evil and so are you.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be free.
You are so abusive and beastly.
We've all been through trying times in our lives, and if we haven't yet, then it is almost inevitably coming. ITS JUST HUMAN NATURE TO HURT, INS'T IT? Most of us experience our suffering at the hands of other people.
Unnatural selection
We are deemed unfit
Unsuited for the environment
That’s it
She screams
I quit
Forget the people who praise you,when you are shining and glorious.
Author's Note: I am extremely proud of this poem. I entered it into San Mateo's City Arts contest and recieved an honorable mention, and didnot have any intention, and did not follow the theme. So I hope you all enjoy this poem.
I say I hate it.
In fact, it causes me the most pain.
Regardless, it makes me human;
Regardless, it is my composition.
I say I want it gone,
Author's Note: This was inspired by the song "Knives and Pens" by Black Veil Brides.
Hello loneliness,
My old friend.
It seems that my plight doesn't end,
For here we meet, yet again.
Don't romanticize this and say some boy or girl will pick you up off the floor and hold you in his arms and wipe your tears away and kissing you anyways. This is the gruesome reality of always smelling like puke. It never goes away.
I said I would quite and, I know I promised but darlin' this world is tearing the cries from my soul and making them scream from a voice that is dead.
I confuse the tears with rain and the cries with laughter.
What a twisted game I play,
Just me, myself, and I.
A game so quiet that no one knows,
It exists in my mind, and in my life.
What a twisted game,
I keep to myself.
The game before a mirror,
Distract
without one, I
would be alone with my
thoughts- tearing my mind to
pieces.
Before you date somebody with amental illness, you must rememberthat calling them beautiful willnot adjust their brain's chemicallevels. Sweet words do not reversesickness that plagues the mind
They found his diary under the bed.
“Just days too late,” the agent said.
Tales of sorrow, woe, and despair
“This shouldn’t have happened; it’s really not fair”
It is something that is invisible and difficult to see
yet at the same time you know something is wrong with me
the feeling of an invisible knife that pierces through the heart
**I had to seriously sit down and write what I felt, I'm sorry . I love going back to my emotions maybe I'll feel the same way before and read this. Maybe I'll smile and maybe I'll cry but I know I needed this outlet**
Toto, we are not in Kansas anymore, We are neck deep in denialshouting from our lungs,We are starving head cases.We are two am phone calls to our mothersaying, Mom, I messed up.
Never.
Never give up on me.
I'm like a tree, budding in my love for thee
First, I will not know
For my limbs had not yet been free
From their canopy of leaves
Then when I do, I'll be uncertain,
I can’t deny this:
You make life hard for me.
Each morning when I wake up
It feels as if the world is sitting on my shoulders.
Writing by the light of a door cracked open is the most honest one can get with oneself.
Especially when that door leads to the hallway of a psychiatric hospital.
rape victims
they are not crazy
abuse victims
they are not crazy
bullying victims
they are not crazy
drug addicts and alcoholics
they are not crazy
people with depression and anxiety
The feeling of walking to a wall We’ve been through this a billion times,Yet you still don’t “get it,”The luxury of observing meLike a rich politician at the Freak ShowA privilege I didn’t inherit.Apathy cannot be found in my DNAThough it
A crisp winter night, marked only by the looming bell tower
And Zachary Gray, who traipsed on the wet cobble road
The ethereal moan of lamentation permeated in an hour
Don't give up, it get's better.
Don't let those eyes get any wetter.
Don't beat yourself up or tear yourself down.
Don't give the world its saddest sound.
Don't let your mind lose itself.
Nearly a year has passed since
I found myself situated in that
Psychiatric Behavioral Health Unit.
But not a day has passed that I
Don’t find myself reminiscing,
Missing the simplest of things.
only my walls see my tears
and only my walls know my fears
i keep it all inside
except once...
when someone pried
i opened up and tried
but they hurt me so...
i nearly died
Your organ comes out and starts to play
“I think you’d rather be dead” They say.
But I think I’ll save that for another day.
I don’t know what to think
I’m so tired
“No sleeping.”
Sometimes I talk to myself.
Sometimes while I’m walking through my empty house,
I pretend that my house is full up people that love me
That would miss me
Does that make me crazy?
Why does it matter
Why does it matter that I can’t sleep
Why does it matter that I can’t eat
Why does it matter?
Does it mean I’m less of a human being
If I can’t see what everyone else is seeing
To the people who said they were my friends then completely ruined me:
Thank you.
Thank you for totally destroying my ability to trust anyone.
It curls and snarls and breathes in my ear,
memories of darkness and grief reappear.
Closed are the curtains and closed are the shutters.
Midnight moves slowly and stands almost still.
I love her more than I think she loves herself.
I look at her and see so many things.
I remember oh so well the mask she wore everyday.
The smile that was plastered on her face.
There's a small thing I can't live without
it beats inside me, no matter what
it scratches at the silver linings of my brain
sometimes it fools me into believing I can have anything.
i will never know how to breathe without pain
there will always rest a parasite in the wrinkles of my brain
speaking in code to my uterus and to my esophagus,
this "being human"? i'm bad at this
I'm mad.I'm mad that when I talk about important things they roll their eyes.I'm mad that I'm a bitch for having opinions,or boring for being a(stupid)(shallow) (unambitious) girl.
paint my skies with brilliant shades of blue
You have no idea how badly i hurt, how much pain i endure when my anxieties and fears pulse through my blood…
How easy it seems to just let them out, it only costs an inch of flesh…
i’m trying to find the balancebetween female anatomy and unbalanced brain chemicalsmales gazes and straight jackets internalized, holding hands, squeezing out my sanityi do not know how to properly
You feel compelled to explain,
& frustrate yourself
with the short comings of language,
grow cross & blame yourself,
but mutations in the shape of a single molecule
have noticeable consequences.
If words were building blocks, I’d have a castle to house my shattered soul.
But words are not brick.
Words are not stone.
I never expected to reach adulthood, but I figured if I did, I would be okay.
Peace I find in thee. Your constant is my rock,
Your selfless thoughts: I stand in awe.
Within you I am free. Not confined in prison block;
But rather safe within your law.
I cut the cord and now I’m floating here
above the bloody mess that
used to be the thing they called me
not quite a person just me
"My head," I explain, "It's floating."
Everyone stares. That doesn't make sense.
I try again.
"My head feels like it's floating." and they nod, my statement is acceptable
As I stand bravely in front of thousands
My body starts trembling with fear and thoughts
I try to calm myself down
But standing still makes me tremble with a frown
I'm shaking, now
After the NAMI meeting organized by my family,
AKA the GSA club,
We,
My friends,
Stood in a circle behind the refreshment table—
Even the greatest-
scientists, engineers, painters, astronauts,
walk across crowded streets,
surrounded by everyday people
with everyday troubles,
suffocating on the smoke
of their own personal
I’m trapped inside routine
Ingestions of medication
Proven to numb the sickness
That wreaks havoc in my mind.
Of course, the pills work,
But only for a moment.
Freeing me from myself,
I am every bit as pathetic as the paper in my mouth.
The paper that will very soon become a topic of discussion among my friends;
Wondering why my hands now smell like anxiety,
There was a month where I smelled like cigarettes. You were the month that I tasted like misplaced jokes, who's punch-line snaked around my jaw;
The fluorescents blink almost as fast as you when you're uncomfortable,
And of course we don't know what we did wrong,
but the wax on the floors might.
We passed the field by my house,
Where you used to say sorry;
Words never held meaning for you
Without smoke kissing lips.
I never should have.
I waited too long didn't I honey?
I am the girl who never seemed to be alone in the halls
I am the stranger with the goofy smile that you remember in your freshman class
Liz
It’s in the morning that I think of you
I can’t seem shake the feeling in my chest
Though I thought I was breaking through
Floods of wrath, Tigris to my Ur!
Trenchantly breaking relations
—Temples of Toil— made by me!
From the sweat of my brows, they’re built
Who am I?
The seventeen year old,
who walks all over town,
becuase she can't drive.
I work at least twenty hours a week,
Just to pay for AP classes.
To some, I'm simply that.
A hardworker.
when i was little, it was endearing,
and my parents would smile behind their hands and whisper:
“she has very small circles, but she loves who she loves.”
and i would frown behind mine because i loved no one.
I fear that I am a mistake
a mistake of God..
and one day He'll realize it, then I'll disappear.
No one will notice,
no one will care, some may even be relieved..
Being a hot mess isn’t hot; I know that better than anyone.
Sometimes my heart overworks my head and vice versa.
Is it true
That you are unlovable
If darkness has taken you over
If fear fills your soul
If you hear voices
That you cannot quiet
Is there no one
Who understands what it is like
I looked around me,
and what did I see?
Storms of constant, painful suffering.
Not only my soul,
Had taken its toile,
But others too, found life bitter and dull.
I'm the orginial..
Supposed to be the only.
The proceding two are only burned images, carbon copies..learned defenses. Created without my permission.
But I was here first and she forgot about me..
On the first class meeting of my freshman year,
I was told that when you leave highschool
you are two numbers.
SAT:
GPA:
keep up your grades,
stay out of trouble,
get involved.
I wear a mask on the hottest day,
in the middle of winter.
Everyday.
I cannot go without my smiling mask.
I bring it with me where ever I go.
"Why?", some will ask.
To hide a secret within.
I am not my disorder,
I am not alone in my fight,
I am a force to be reckonned with,
I am one that stands tall in the light,
I am not a kicked puppy,
I am not a shattered looking glass,
How can I go creeping
Barefoot in the snow?
How can I love so deeply,
Someone I do not know?
There is beauty that I find
In your smile, in your eyes
In the tears while you cry
Mirror, spotted with age and time. Rust begins to spread, but you see yourself just fine.
The depravity sinks into her skin,Hope dissolving into trepidationAbandoned, the consequence of her sinHope dissolving into trepidation,Remnants of love, macabre dance 'round her head
Demons are chasing me
People replacing me
Lies are incasing me
While the truth is facing me
My steps retracing me
I bought a nice new pair of cotton sheets this week to replace my old pilled polyester sheets.
Her ship is sinking, it's now 20 feet below.
It's already submerged with only one place to go.
Down in the murky depths where the light doesn't show. Her passion is gone, now stagnant, as the water ceases to flow.
Imagine living with a family of disorders,
darkness riding upon corners.
Imagine living with an anorexic sister, autistic brother,
Hello to the little feeling,
lingering despite the concentrated focus
against it. My heart
is a muscle of some sort, located in my chest.
Psychotic (adjective); crazy, mental, reckless,
Out of control, violent, strange, scary-
You throw around the word psychotic as if it won't hurt
I am buried beneath the fear of my own failure.
I gaze at the bird sing as she is falling.
I tell you my secrets, though I do not know what they are, only that they are veiled behind my shame.
I feel the sylables
Nesting within my breast
Effectively avoiding spillage
Emptied from my clenched lips
Destroying the illusion
Held of prefection
Enclosing the unspoken
and rain stutters
over greasy pavement
slicked with oil
and I stutter
over words like
cracks in the soaked
sidewalk.
and your car stutters
My chest pinches
in an uncomfortable way
the air will not flow right
slowly seeping out
and leaving me breathless
Tears begin to collect,
from the pain,
the pressure,
I can’t always feel it, because sometimes it is out of reach.
Lonely, anxious, worried, scared. Negative thoughts race though my brain.
But something pulls be back to rationality.
And I hear:
The moon is a symbolDespite the darkness, somewhere out there is our source of light
They say that I have problems:
Schizophrenia and such.
There’s a lot more, but
I don’t understand very much.
Am I crazy?
I can’t possibly be!
There isn’t anything
Wrong with me.
There's a war inside my head and it just won't stop. I was told the biggest battle is the one in your head.
I am bipolar and thats okay
I've tried to hide to hide it, tried to runaway
I am bipolar not an outcast
The mistakes I've made are all in the past
I am bipolar, I've learned alot
I am bipolar and thats okay
I've tried to hide to hide it, tried to runaway
I am bipolar not an outcast
The mistakes I've made are all in the past
I am bipolar, I've learned alot
In my senior year, I took my final high school English class.
Advanced compostion.
We were told in this packet in the mail a week before school started that we'd read a lot
And write a lot.
Mom, you do not have OCD because you like clean sideboard.You are neat and I congratulate youbut you do not have OCD until your head is filled with a montage of shattering plates,bursting lightbulbs,smashing vases,
I am one of three –Shadow, skin, and light.A triplet split from the same egg and sperm.XXMake it 3 and you’ll have meExplicit.It’s so sexy,Being cleaved into thirds.
She speaks in tongues
But you understand her ramblings
No matter what
Because she's all you know.
She moves in sync
With your breaths
And broken steps because
She follows you always.
Burning cheeks
Warm froth on the tips of eyelids
Lips quiver and teeth clench
Tears dry on puffs of red skin
Nose yearns for air
Throat swells
Broken lenses
When I was five I was considered for having OCD.
To my family at the time they laughed at how I was "considered".
It's a mental illness, you either have it or you don't.
I dreamt that I was witnessing a war
Not in full action
But of its ancient history
Looking at the artifacts of someone else's life
Wondering who'd they'd been
Where they'd walked
You know that girl who's always smiling and laughing,
That girl who isn't popular, but everyone likes her,
That girl who can cheer anyone up within seconds,
That girl who loves and cares for everyone?
You know that girl who's always smiling and laughing,
That girl who isn't popular, but everyone likes her,
That girl who can cheer anyone up within seconds,
That girl who loves and cares for everyone?
Inside, around, behind
what's in my mind?
Flashbacks
tons of flashbacks.
I wiggle, I scream
hes too mean.
I can't get away
but you think I did it to
myself.
Going into the dark chambers of your mind
Where the voices whisper
The hands claw
Waking up in a cold sweat
Gasping for breath
Longing for air
No, you won't go back there
In the eyes of another,
who’s there by the sill,
quietly sitting,
perfectly still.
Eyes that are clouded,
Let me live in your bed,naked as a fishribs emerging day by day like gills as you steal my breath.Moss will creep over my ankles -oh, keep us from the harsh heavy air,swim languidly through the sheets
Wake up late,
Mornings I hate
Don't like leaving my bed
The smell of bacon
Brings a cravin'
Jam spread over bread
Hash browns or home fries
Always satisfies
Kethchup on top
Reading! Writting! Things that make people cringe but makes smilegive me words over sports give me a book over TV
I was raised to be the sacrifice.
How fitting, with my name being,
"The One Who Bears The Cross."
But unlike my Namesake
I will not rise up again after three days;
Daddy,
You are not insane.
I won’t cast you to the ward
& call you unfit for the world.
I won’t discount every word you say
Guessing it’s all just the crazies talking.
Smile.
Smile because you're loved, you're fortunate, you've got no reason to be sad.
Smile because everyone around you passes by without a second glance, a second thought, a second word.
The wind blows, the leaves fall, but time still seems to stop
You close your eyes, and pray to God, that your heart doesn’t pop
You feel the bench below you; you see the grass and trees,
Hockey is the reason I chose not to end myself at the start
Now, rough doesn’t even begin to explain it – at all
Oh no... I feel it creeping up again, the sad thoughts and troubling memories that haunt my dreams at night. What can I do to help myself?
Little one it is okay,
Little on i am here with you now.
Little one put the knife down,
I am here now.
I know your angry,
Rest In Peace we post because he's gone
Robin Williams one of our own
Suffering from severe depression
Were we blind? The truth is no one ever looked him in the eye
Bent over laughing thinking he's so happy
Diamonds fill the sky
Just as they pierce her skin and become rubies
But she will never grace their beauty with her gaze
Leaves become the gradient colors of the sunset
But she does not see them
My head space is dizzy
I feel lethargy
I don't know how to laugh
What is it I see?
I'm trying to remember
Thats there's somewhere to be
I can't feel my self
Feel what you see
The pain is not mine
It isn't yours
Who does it belong to
If not you or me?
It's better than pity
That lacks kindness and charity
The things that define us
can often make us worse,
but they can also make us better
we can grow,
like seeds after a forest fire
I want to see the stars
see past the fog
place my head above the clouds,
bathe in the light
I want to forget the dark
wrap myself in rich shades of blue,
There is a buzzing in my head.
There’s a fluttering, flapping, swishing noise in my head.
There is a buzzing in my head.
I don’t think you get it. There is a BUZZING in my HEAD.
Dear stranger,
I look like you, talk like you
I'm not in the street
Asking for a fraction of your salary
I'm not up in the schools
Waving a gun
At kids that arn't old enough
If you choose to love a girl who does not believe herself worth loving, be warned: she does not take well to being proved wrong. In fact she will fight against the very idea of your affection during all the hours you two are apart, during the y
I didn't ask you to come into my life,Yet here you are.Looking for someone to wreck,You found me.Out of the corner of my eye, I saw youBreak down the door.
Colors were bright
Spice was spicy
Sweet was sweet
Friends were fun
Life was life
And I was myself
But now it's different
I'm not sure what happened
My body is tired
and I sleep too much
You came to settle in my brain
which feels like so long ago.
You were quick to cause confusion and pain
and suddenly became the foe.
Every morning I'd wake up
with my self esteem in the gutter.
Four emotions at once and yet where am I running?
With all my intelligence I thought I'd be a bit more cunning.
Hate
Love
Understanding
Heartbreak
The Other Me
Happiness
(adjective)
Feeling pleasure or joy
It’s the perky energetic kid that has
Take a look around. People walk around with smiles on their faces and secrets in their heart.
The girl you just passed on the street wears long sleeves
to cover the bruises she gets from her father,
The world is a beautiful place.
Maybe it’s that belief
that always gets me in trouble.
I spend my days
in this constant
awe
at the world,
in people,
in how wonderful
Sitting here inside myself
Specters ruminate
Suicidal apathy
My ego is irate
As I melt into my chair
Dazed and a bit confused
Dear every person who says that a mental illness is nota valid reason for not being able to attend school normally,
This is not meant to be a sob story.
This is a poem to make you understand.
In the past year alone, I have attempted suicide 3 times. In the past year,
They don’t teach you not to be small.I’ve been in a million classrooms that teach us not to get too big and make sure we exercise enough.Never have I heard, “Don’t get too small.”
If mental illness was treated as such
there would be
no kids online blogging about their eating disorder
getting comments like
you can do it! avoid the food! stop eating and you too
will be beautiful!
Eye contact is dangerous, saying too much is foolish, emotions are an anomaly and shouldn’t be seen as real, keep away from everyone
When you wake up you don’t normally know muchFirst thought might be “I need to pee”Second thought might be “What time is it?”But what if when you woke up you’re first thought was to blink your eyes three times?
I still am lost in the wonder of its beauty
So sweet it is
As it just lays there
Deep in red valor
I want nothing more
Than to freeze this time
This time that is sacred and rare
We walked aimlessly with direction
happening upon that one perfect moment.
To Rest.
Sizzled mimosa pours freshen
my mind’s thoughts of you
sweet sweet endangered—
Close your eyes,
Go to sleep,
Dream of us-
As deep drums
Mark the beginning.
Ravenous human shadows
Singing brutal blood-stained
There are meadows we all will see , my friend
There are meadows we all will see.
There are flowers sprung up amid the sidewalk cracks
There are seashells in the sea.
Your time is yet to rise up
Everyone judges or gets judged though for some it can happen more often than it should, when it does what emotions do they feel, embarrassment, anger, shame and hurt?
An adaptation of Shakespeare's Hamlet's To be Or Not to Be
Written by: Kristin Elyse Harlan
To go on, or not to go on: that is the question:
Whether tis nobler in the mind to continue
How long has it been?
I forget with the flashes of light and sounds that pass through me
like rain through the clouds
five
ten years
a smile seems to mark its territory across my face
There's a road in the meadow
parting it left and right
a side where the sun rises
and the other for the moon at night
and now I have to choose
the side I belong to
Thunderous applauseA steady, continuous chanting of my nameThat's what I live forThis is what I want
"How are we feeling today?"
"How much have you eaten?"
"Let's check your weight."
"Have you ever hurt yourself?"
"Are you hearing things?"
"Are you seeing things?"
An interrogation
"Your ears are the ocean,"
my friend said,
and I imagined the wash of waves
erasing the auditory footsteps
hanging like fading dreams
in the clear morning light of the seashore.
Get over it.
As if it were a hill I could climb.
Get over it,
As if I could jump high enough to reach the other side.
Get over it,
Paint my smile
Rouge my cheeks
Take the darkness from my face
Soothe my thoughts
Heal my fractures
Take the darkness from my mind
Life my spirits
Cheer my heart
No one ever told me it's okay, it's okay to be so anxious you can feel your heart wanting to jump out of your chest.
you ask me to make a change
a change I would like to
see in the world.
I do not understand.
If I could, in theory, change something, it would be
me
Why doesn't depression have a face?
Like the boy sitting alone
Or the girl who cries herself to sleep?
if i could change one thing, i would release the stigma on mental illness
like a goddamn balloon into the sky,
popping when it gets too high in the atmosphere,
never to be seen again.
How are you doing?
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Pretty well, thanks.
Okay.
Alright.
You know.
All too ready for the weekend, you know?
All too ready for the end of the day, you know?
“Write about anything,” they said
“Write about anything in your life….”
Write about how Christmas has just passed,
We all knew her
before her mind took her under
under a spell know one is sure
no cure
It happened so fast
a spiraling of events
I imagine the grief
they must have
in their souls
I wish I could cry properly.
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror
Staring deep into myself
Picturing the most impossibly
Dead image
Trying to push the tears out
Feeling absolutely no moisture
Picture this:There are two mason jars on the counternext to the cash register of your localconvenience store. One says: “Johnnyhas been diagnosed with stage 1 cancer”,and the other says, “Please, help!
Nevermind what the haters say
(Since I'm a hater, anyway).
I try to be romantic but I
can't help it when I'm frantic
I'm only hoping you don't panic
When I become manic
From the very first breath at fresh life she wasn't there.
It didn't occur until I relapsed that I was eight when she came back.
And they told me to love her even though she left me for the boys.
Mental illness plagues each one of us
They wear us down, we want to quit
As if our everyday hardships weren't enough
We put up walls to mend our broken spirits
Titles of disorders get dropped everyday
Black atmosphere, purple park on fire
my flesh desired
Black spiked hair with a bruised face
stepping, grass crunching, heart race
Living with this darkness. Always weighing me down.
Thinking dark thoughts; wandering around this strange and lonely town.
Can't get rid of this depression; seems like any hope I once held is coming to an end.
I was too young, how could I know
It wasn't right, but did I show
To those outside who knew me well
Could they not see, could they not tell
Save me from the dark
And help me see the light
Save me from what's wrong
And help me put things right
Save me from my demons
And help me find the fight
Save me from the pain I feel
An instant, a flash, an impulse or plan
The end of a life of a woman or man
The torment too much, to live or to bare
The pain now transferred to those that care
Teacher Teacher, do you see us as passing faces?
Another year another set of faces?
Don't you want to know more?
More about us?
Like how Miranda's mother tells her she's worthless?
I love you, even while you are medicated
your heavy eyes, not quite reaching mine
Your lack of interest in the words I’m pressing so hard
Frustrating me to the point of tears
But I do not blame you
I want people to be afraid of me,
I want them to look into my eyes and shiver at the darkness that they see.
I want everyone I meet to remember my name,
Something reminiscent of power, influence, or fame.
Homicidal rage
Boiling blood
Red face
Flooded sweatglands
Clenched fists
Grinding teeth
5 minutes later
Hips, ribs, and collar bones;
Never hurt by sticks or stones.
Words made you this way.
"I can't stand myself!" you say.
You think they're right,
You think you're wrong.
"Keep it up,"
streetlamp's shuddering turning to a grinning face
girl's mouth's stuttering nervous tics' shaking embrace
weight on chest he can't breathe it's something he can't fight
She'll tell you:
You're ugly and fat.
and guess what-
You'll always believe her.
Make a slice on each armDon't worry it won't do much harmSkips a few mealsIt's not that big of a deal Take a bottle of pillsAnd watch your body lye stillPut a bullet in your headAnd watch the blood pool on the bed
Hearing your name
Seeing other's faces
Worry in their eyes
you look too complacent
Your heart feels full
but your body cant reciprocate
People must care
about your calorie intake
Follow me my dearest one
Allow me to show the way to perfection.
Lay your head in my hands
For I’m about to give an explanation.
You are fat my love.
A waste of total and complete space
A pressure to burnSpilling over, through my eyesSo I run, for a place to find sanction.And it's dirty, and lonely, and sick, (just like me)this is the perfect placeto find my own goD--
In the night, you scream with fright
you hold your breath all too tight,
for in the night, lurk shadows of the past,
you remember of those gruesome nights,
you try to fight those scary dreams,
Subject wakes up.
Two dozen lashes.
Leaves spring from the trees.
Subject falls asleep.
It can’t stay awake it seems.
Doors: A, B, and C
An all-consuming darkness
that casts a shadow over life.
It dims the term "living"
and illuminates the word "dying."
It barges in with a gun-
shooting bullets of shame.
And when you've been wounded,
Seems lost, doesn’t it?
The decisions that led to this moment,
Cost it its own government,
I still covet it, when its well it’s a wonderful thing,
Sometimes, even in hell, this joy it can bring,
My secret is worthy. To be guarded like the keep of one-hundred dragons. It lies inside a rotted chest, crueal and wicked and warped though I mean to hide it well beneath its translucent wood. What must be kept I cannot keep.
I get angry at my body for what's living in my headif I could flee my form I'd do it, and live in my soul insteadmy body has its wants, but my soul has its needs,and what my body wants leaves my disgusted soul to bleed
The bright neon lights glistened and gleamed
Dancing and twirling across the black night sky
Before they were distorted by the blur
As the car went whizzing by
The warm summer night is teeming with magic
Your words taste like caramel in my mouth.
But words of wisdom do not exist.
Those who think the dangerous thoughts
That if,
Dribbled out,
Would indeed disturb the universe
Release
Sweet God I think I've got it.
Remorse
Where's my mind I think I've lost it.
Relief
All my dreams mix well with drinks.
Regret
All my screams are making make me sink.
Repeat
The voices tell me to do bad things.
Sneak cookies,
hit that dude with a bat.
They won't leave me alone!
The voices tell me to break the rules.
Pinch my sister,
stay up for three days straight,
Society has millions of images designed to represent beauty
Yet not one of those images are similar to me.
There are thousands of different body shapes and sizes
Maybe that's why I struggle when looking for clothes.
What is life when all I see is strife?
Those eyes that twinkle like nickel.
The sun reflects the radiant smile of my beloved, yet after a mile it fades away.
Starving my body, starving my soulI cannot tell what is my goalEat that today, eat nothing tomorrowMy mother's scale I might have to borrowCheck my weight, look towards the groundOh my God, I gained a pound
A year of healing and of grace
Of reconstructing a new face
And seeing color after years
Of grey scale muted by my tears
There is a certain blankness in your stare
one that is so deep, and true
It seems you're the only one who cares.
I'd like to say you're diffrent, but you're beyond that
hold me
don't let me go
hold me?
She sat in her chair across from me
Scribbling on a pad of paper that held pieces of my life in a careless pattern
“Write,” she said.
So simple and stupid
As if writing in a journal can change my problems
Heavy breathing.
Wrists bleeding.
Mind freeing.
Heart releasing.
Eyes tearing.
Body collapsing.
Life ending.
Nothing is as it really seems,
Things can get you, real or fake,
You really are only safe in your dreams.
No, they will never give you a break.
Things will tear you apart in life
Once I fall down the staircase,I look into the red horizon,wishing only to grabhold of the railing that leads down the staircase of my mind.
Friends may go behind your back
or a sibling attempts to tear you to pieces.
It sucks.
Yet, you can keep going.
But what do you do when your own mind betrays you?
Where you run,
it will follow.
As I lay waiting for sleep I pray.
I pray for a glimmer of light in a sea of darkness.
For the fear to end
Look in a mirror and see a monster
The hate inside, fighting to take control
In school they don’t see, at least not really
They see a person not a monster
I see so much of him inside of me
(poems go here) The moonlight is so bright, so peaceful, so simple.
A heavy cloak of black attacks and quickly engulfs the powerful gem of Silver, reminding her that pure bliss can be shattered at a moment’s notice.
He says he’s broken all the time,
there’s something wrong with his head:
There are monsters in there
that push to get out.
It’s almost funny
because he’s the most whole person I’ve known.
“Them”,” us”. “Us”, “we”.
By “them” I mean “us”, and by “us” I mean me.
But I also mean “them”.
Them, us. We, me.
The mentally ill that we be.
The wind shook the house on that cold, cold night
You were yelling at me, I didn't want to fight.
You stumbled down the stairs,
You stumbled into my room,
You grabbed me by the hair, and you blamed me.
She felt her frown as she wore her scowl
And ached her sad while showing her bitter,
So it’s easy to see why no one knew her blue,
and often mistook her for red.
Why is life so lifeless for you, poor child?
Is there a thing in this world that could lighten you up, put a smile on your face?
You are brooding, but why?
Has someone wronged you, or has misfortune fallen upon you?
Shadows.
Hush.
They follow you at night.
Shhh
The ghosts are watching;
they know you're not alright.
We are the misfits.
Some of us have learning disabilities.
Some of us have social problems.
Some of us have been abused.
Some of us have depression.
Some of us are sick.
We are the misfits.
Maybe one day I will be able to forgive myself so I can start to forgive everyone else.
Until then I will be the product of my own lies about how blissful I am when my eyelids are open.
I am dependent——maybe codependent.
I am sick——I am fine.
(I’m everything I wish I weren’t.)
Today I am fine. I am fine. I am fine.
And I suppose that is one of my greater lies.
I am I am I am I am… Fine?
I sit on the floor as
I cry
I wonder why is this happening
I don't want a new "mom"
or "dad"
My foster parents
say they love me
I think I love them too
How can I love these people
She wears a cross around her neck
But she ain't no Virgin Mary
Angry with rage inside
From being so easily tossed aside
Contains it with a smile on her face
Remnants of the human race
Fleck her heart
Broken like the keys of an old piano,
Fake like all the lies that you've told her,
Tattered like the curtains of an old abandoned house,
Abused like a stray dog...
Broken like a rusty 1969 Chevelle,
One drink to wash away the pain,
Just one more,
One sip to cleanse the sorrow,
Just one more,
One drink to ease the suffering,
Just one more,
That will come tomorrow.
Smiling when you feel like crying
Laughing when you feel like dying
Loving when you feel like hating
Apologizing when you've done nothing wrong
It's always the same thing
Like a repetitive song
My parents think I'm crazy,
but really not that much.
I drew a pretty purple daisy,
and made the stove my own to touch.
I wacked Daddy with a hammer
and threw Momma down the stairs.
I realized
when I start
to feel depressed I say
I don’t feel so good
I don’t feel good
I am
broken wrong crooked
I am powerless.
Powerless to help you. To save you.
But you say you don’t want to be saved. Is it because of the power?
The power that controls you in that moment?
When the edge cuts and the blood flows
My individuality is
Locked in a little box.
My insane attempts to maintain a higher status-quo
Shoot me and throw me down a fiery hole.
What the heck am I saying?!
I’m surrounded by family and central heating in
That light hasn't come on for weeks now,
and I got a sense of peace when I was dying:
the bells peter out, the sirens stop crying.
I am left with the cold wind sifting my bones.
Always smiling, never does she have a frown
Through the good times, and the bad
She stands tall and strong
It seems like nothing can break her, nothing at all
But look deeper, look into her eyes
What gift unto this mind was granted so
To make these awful ghosts inside my head?
The fountain pen, accustomed to my woe?
The paper, still awaiting inkwell's thread?
The pen: no door within to human minds,
Have you ever thought?
The girl you called fat today in the hallway.
She is starving herself.
Even though her ribs show and she cans see the bones in her arms.
She starves herself.
I lost myself a while ago
I lost myself because I lost all hope.
Still, slowly, I try and stand
Though I fall and fall, I will never land
Because in the depths of my heart I know I can do this
Time is the wind in this storm
A storm for both my body and mind
My life is frozen, but time still runs
Unliving, but faithful
Unconscious, but consistent
Shingles she had accounted sitting for twenty-five
Holding onto nothing while her ornaments eat the dust
Frost-bitten frigid air whistling on the field
Storm-beaten rails singing water-songs
-
Do you not see your hurting her from the inside out
That soon tears that wish to rain become a sullen drought
Misery from the mornings start
Till night when the sun departs
No wounds visible for the eye to see
At the age of 1, I couldn't remember much.
I just knew, that when I turned 5 I had to be tough.
I told the teachers,I swear I did
I told them everytime I got hit in the head.
Sleeping deeply, always lightly
Never sweetly but always nightly.
Nightmares haunt me taunting softly
Leaking deeply into my reality.
Was it a dream or was it real?
These wicked thoughts are out to drown me,
I fled crime scene no turning back not even glance
Remembering myself when given a second chance
My body, mind and soul was laid out on the floor
Then I realized this is not exactly what I wished for
I didn’t come here to script up a silly rhyme,
Putting together letters of the alphabet and creating a story produced on my own time.
I came to speak you a lullaby with all the fixings of my broken past
I was a little girl.
What's real?
The tree coming through the walls?
The hand reached out towards me?
Or are they all in my head?
I've never felt so alone even though
the children want me to play.
I needed a friend...
Someone
Who would always be there for me
Comfort
To keep me safe and secure
Courage
To do what I wanted to with my life
Happiness
That my body could not contain
...
My doctor told me that I'm too high
Soaring in the Sky
Need to fall back down to earth
Shit that hurt
So he said we need to increase your dosage
3 doses, 1 plus 2
Shit that made me mad at you
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
I always die a little
In Fall
I guess
The autumn breezes
Just whisk away
My fragile hopes
And my broken dreams
And carry them someplace
Far away
And I am left
With the fears
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
