i will never know how to breathe without pain

there will always rest a parasite in the wrinkles of my brain

speaking in code to my uterus and to my esophagus,

this "being human"? i'm bad at this

i fuck up every attempt

even though that's my identity, it seems strangely not a part of me

and frankly, i want nothing more than to drown at sea

where i can be overcome by water

and not my own skull beating in time with my foot, 

marching to my own grave

a sickening rhythm that i sing along to, remixing the tune every hosr

i wonder what drum i'm supposed to dance to

and what i'm supposed to see in other's eyes

and what movie plays in mine, and what nightmares must i watch

after i witness myself scream and writhe on the floor

i abhor me, but i'm enamored with the idea that normality, and stability

are eager lovers that can be found in back allies

the psychiatrist pimps them out to meeach month,

how sad that i must buy joy

but there is no escaping from something that isn't there

i will never know how to live without suicide

whispering lullabies in my ear as i float over the cliff side

every side walk is an opportunity, i pray for it, a holy release

to a heaven where maybe i'll feel serence

oh yahweh, why did you construct me out of anger and fear?

what made me special enough to inject with gray skies?

why, why were they spared the ugliess and not me?

why do they have more of a right to happiness than me?

please,

this "being human," i'm bad at this

there's no bliss in human heartbeats

yet that's what you put in my chest

i wish i was filled with cotton balls, or razor blades, or gazoline

but no such luck

i am kept alive by a very human heart