**I had to seriously sit down and write what I felt, I'm sorry . I love going back to my emotions maybe I'll feel the same way before and read this. Maybe I'll smile and maybe I'll cry but I know I needed this outlet**
And God said, *No wonder you're a mess*
Not a lot of hearts are like ocean waves, my mind became a hive and my body a withdrawal wasteland of meds.
God said *I run to you , even if I have to make your knees bend*
I don't break them because I have to much pride. I push a lot of people away and when I cry for help the only one to listen is my therapist why should I be a burden for anyone else. The ones who help me I push away.
He said *I don't hate you*
I've hurt many people and I've hurt myself. I can't love gennuinly because I honestly don't love myself and when it's to late I make a mess that reflects my mind and emotions.
God said nothing, he settled my soul and comfort me.
I write anything in my journals I have about nine or twelve .
God says*remember all you need, when your mad and sad it's already written*
I forget and damage myself.

I wish I was more a head of life. I am impatient. I am scared.Things that worry me probably don't come across anyone's mind but me. I haven't learned to live. Without sadness I'd probably won't budge to know what happiness is. I find in my mother I find it in others. I'm grateful because I found honest people who care, even people who care for just a little bit. The only one who can help me get out of my own worries and fuckery is me. I even have trouble accepting that. It's because I spend some days focusing on me and my thoughts besides life, the now. Now I feel like a failure but I'll be the best godamn failure you'll ever meet.
I jump to conclusions easily I cry easily
I feel ashamed of the way I feel everyday it's nothing new. Helping others helps me Working out helps me. I forget. That hurts me. When I forget I have everything. Then I get anxious and sad. I get overly anxious even if it's small.
I have overcome a lot without meds. I have kept a secret and secrets maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I should come out to myself as well.
Violated for five years and raped.
Yet happiness was in home. It was dysfunctional but I made it to where I am.
I thank the lord and people who have helped me . I'm sorry I let go of the ones I love the most.
It's always my fault so I have to forgive myself sometimes, that is scary, it makes me anxious to know I can be a monster. I'm twenty and I'll be thirty soon. I'm scared that I have to fight these feelings everyday without meds. That's mY withdrawal. I can go back but I don't want to.

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