i don't really know what i'm doing here. really, i'm just trying to get by.
i don't think life has a purpose, but that doesn't matter.
my life has no direction, but somehow, i have a natural optimism. an optimism that is
used as a coping mechanism.
see, pain is just too much for me. emotional pain is my biggest fear and my mind is ruled
and the horrid thought of ridicule.
i have no friends, and i pretend
it doesn't get to me. i pretend
i don't get by because of a nice gesture,
or a good social interaction for the rest of the day
i pretend i'm okay.
because if people knew the truth, things would be even worse for me.
i feel it everywhere no matter who i'm with, i'm always being judged, no, never
but they're not there, no, i won't let them live in my head.
i only fill my head with good thoughts - block everything out, the spirits living in my
head singing songs
to comfort me
singing a story about a better future
that could never happen - becuase i hold myself back and
i can't unlearn
because some emotional scars don't heal. some hold your mind captive your WHOLE
and some things are always on your back no matter what
and some things you can never share
because you're scared
and you need some love
or just a hug
because somehow, you fucked up.
where has that genuine joy gone? where is the girl who thought she could do anything?
i mean, she's partially here. we've gotta at least pretend that we have something to
look forward to after this
no matter how much i look at things or read good books or the little feelings of
happiness that are mandatory for me not to batshit, life
has no purpose.
for me. others can be happy, but i am not allowed the luxury of emotional freedom.
and when i am free for a while, my consciousness tells me i'm spoiled, so i go back
into that depressive state that i deserve.