My Mental Illness

I can’t deny this:

You make life hard for me.


Each morning when I wake up

It feels as if the world is sitting on my shoulders.

I struggle to stand under the weight

Much less go out into the world and attempt to be a person.

Sometimes, I find it is too hard to bear

and I stay curled up underneath warm blankets

hoping that if I lie down for a bit

You will give up and go away.


At night when I go to sleep

It feels as if you have turned into weeds

growing from my lungs into my throat

Making it hard to breathe.

Cutting you out is impossible

Trust me, I know, I’ve tried.

Some nights, I ponder if waking up is worth it.


However, I also can’t deny this:
Without you, I would not be the person I am today.


I would not have discovered countless tracks of music

As I listened, trying to feel like a person again.

I would not have immersed myself in practicing a musical instrument

A skill that has led me to awards throughout the last five years.

I would not have found the writing

Both a valuable skill and a way to deal.

I would have never found what I love

and what I am the best at.


Because of you, I learned that there are good days

and there are bad

and that you can creep into my life at unexpected points

but there are people who will hold me and calm me

until you decide to leave.

I found the people I can trust for the remainder of my life.


You turned my normal black and white life

Into a full spectrum of color

One more vivid than a rainbow.
You are a wild roller coaster

One that I can’t seem to get off

But also one, if given the chance to get off,

I don’t think I would.


So in a sense,


You are a major bitch.
I think that at many points

I would be happier without you.


But what I know for certain

is that I would live a drab, colorless life without you.

I need you to be the person I am today.

I would not exist without you.


Thank you.

This poem is about: 



awesome:) we have something in common. I have social anxiety and I happen to play guitar:)

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