The Other Me
Feeling pleasure or joy
It’s the perky energetic kid that has
All the wonders in the world
Everybody thinks she’s happy
Why wouldn’t she be?
11, sitting at her desk with a smile big enough to make her eyes disappear
She has everything going for her
She has something going for her
But no one really knows it
No one really knows what it feels to sit in a room filled with noises and all I hear is silence
No one knows what it like is to be placed in a world with 7 billion people and all I feel is emptiness and loneliness
And that shit doesn’t change
No one chooses this
No one enjoys this
No one wakes up and says
Hey today I am going to be depressed
No one does that
But what people do say is
Get over it
Life sucks and then you move on
So move on
Move towards the idea of happiness
The feeling that people live for
But the feeling isn’t real
It’s an adjective
An adjective that kills me when I am still alive because it means nothing without an emotion
Words mean nothing without emotion
What good is happiness if you don’t understand it?
What good is love if you don’t accept it?
And what good is cursing if you don’t get anything out of it?
Fuck the idea of being happy
What does it even mean?
I can sit here and try all day
Looking it up online and asking professionals
Or should I just sit here and trust the media & what I watch in the movies or read in books
Because the way it looks in the movies or portrayed in the books make it seem like it’s a scene cut
Into three parts
What if happiness is an action?
Is happiness a little girl picking flowers?
Or a little boy playing with his cars?
Is happiness coming from a loving family?
Or getting good grades?
And although that happiness seems great to some
It isn’t a reality for me
What if that sort of happiness doesn’t exist for someone?
What if that garden full of flowers never existed or those toy cars weren’t real?
What if that family was anything but loving and the report cards looked more like an army of failures instead of a bright future at an ivy league?
Fast forward some three years
At 14 that same girl with that same bright smile
Sitting in her desk
Making everyone love her.
Why wouldn’t she be?
I’m sitting in my room the way I sit in the class
Pretending to be present when in reality I’m anywhere but
Please don’t mind me
Pease don’t mind the other me
Because I live in my mind
My mind - the place I thought was safest is actually the place that haunts me the most
Negative phrases are teased by the voices of those I thought cared about me
I’m not good enough
Yes I am
No I’m not
The lies still come out of my mouth like spit
Flowing so naturally like the blood flowing through my veins
And she sits there looking at everyone’s eyes with a smile on her face saying
No really I am fine but her mind is a prison for the other me screaming
Let me out
Please because I’m trapped in my own world
But I’m fine
I promise it won’t hurt
I promise it will make it better
Says the other me as I add another addition to my scar collection
The only pain I thought I can control is the pain that controls me
And while one me is doing the action the other me is busy hearing the voices
The voices from my mom and dad and boyfriend and siblings and teachers
The voices that yell
YOU ARE NOT WORTH IT
Because even though they’ve never said it
The other me hears them say it
And even once it’s finished
When all the voices are silenced
I still hear it
I still hear the other me
Because that fucker doesn’t leave
She stays there until it is time for her to act out again
And I fast forward another three years
Because at 17 the biggest dilemma is what to wear to prom
But the prom means nothing if I can’t go a day without flushing my body down the bathroom stalls
The stalls that hold more secrets than my own diary and yet
When I finish and stick that altoid in my mouth I look at the mirror and say to myself
I say to her
Yes I’m fine
No I’m not
Yes I am
Because the lies keep getting bigger and bigger
So big that they pile up and become the skyscraper that I want to fly out of window from
See because it all makes sense
It was never a hell
It was a dream
And in the dream society was cruel and viewed at mental illnesses like the common flu
Oh you’re depressed
You’ll feel better tomorrow
So am I when I don’t get enough sleep
Oh you’re bulimic
I skipped breakfast today I guess that makes me anorexic too
See in my dreams
I kept seeking help praying for the last resort
Thinking someone is out there
Someone can hear the other me
But no one does
No one hears it because it’s in me
It is me
She is me
I am her
The other me
And the ridicule that humanity gave is the hand that helped push me through the window
The window that led to the happily ever after
The window that led to happiness
The true definition of happiness
Freedom from the demons within
Freedom from the pain
Freedom from the wounds and the scars
Because in the society that she lives in they don’t exist
I woke up outside of that skyscraper
On that cold ground
And saw happiness
For the first time in 18 years I figured out the escape clause
But when I looked down I had to make the choice
Do I go back and face the names and pain and mockery and fright
in an attempt to survive and live a life?
Or do I walk further into this happiness
And leave the other me behind?
link for adobe voice video http://voice.adobe.com/v/QUIQ_2SKkgs