Do you want to know what lurks in the deep?
Beneath my bare skin and white teeth
Sitting deep within the bones
Screaming, aching, and groaning.
In the endless pit within my mind
The voices echoing…
All the words that are slowly killing me.
Do you know how fucked up is my head?
There are days I wish I was dead,
Because I can’t handle the thoughts,
That torment and torture my bright mind,
Because I have led myself to believe that they are right.
Mention my weight after I eat,
After I have given into my own disgusting indulgence
And I can convince myself that I am sick,
Relieving my body of most, if not all
That it once consumed.
There are days that I still want to cut
Because it releases the anxiety,
And self-hatred in my guts.
They say things so innocently,
Looking out for my best interests,
But they don’t know how it hurts me,
I choke on my own tears,
Because crying is weakness in their eyes,
But they will never know how many times
I have held them back,
Only to let them slip through the cracks
Of a shattered spirit.
They will never know how many nights
I’ve spent crying myself to sleep,
With nightmares chasing me.
They don’t will never know how much it kills me
To hate what I love,
What I take pleasure in,
Only to find myself worse off than before.
They will never get how each word they say
I will take to heart
Because I love them that much.
They don’t see the effort I put in.
They don’t see that I am dying.
I really do try,
I really am fighting,
More than they know.
As I stare up at snowy mountains,
And down at the lake that is blue,
Breathing in crisp fresh air,
What comfort lies in the moment
Is now gone
A wonderful trip
By the lies of my mind.
So instead of the sad memory,
I can focus on better,
The glowing light of sunset
And how it shimmers
Upon the lake glowing below,
As the white jagged horizon points
To the rising stars,
Clearing the acidic taste in my mouth
And replacing it with the sweet nectar of nature’s love.