It’s 12:47 AM.
You’re asleep, all tucked in bed
your head resting against the pillows of feathers plucked from white geese.
Your mind is playing scenes for you to enjoy so your body can take a vacation from the days work.
And this will be the same for every person living in the same time zone as you. Except for me. And everyone like me.
It’s 12:48 AM.
Though I lay in the same position as you, and am covered with the same blanket,
my mind does not reflect yours.
It does not play movies for the back of my eyes to watch as I sleep.
Instead it keeps me awake. Makes me count my mistake instead of counting sheep. It’ll focus on one thing and come up with every single possible thought that can accompany it.
I’ve discovered it’s better to let it run its course than fight back. There’s no stopping once it starts.
It’s like cancer. You either shut it down in stage one, or else it metastasizes and there’s nothing you can do. Except let it kill you.
My brain is relaying everything that could be going wrong. Because my boyfriend texted me at 2:27 saying we needed to talk. And I said okay and that was the end of it.
Because he didn’t respond.
So the thoughts start to come. They roll across my cerebrum the way announcements scroll over a tv screen in the middle of a high school cafeteria.
Except at the speed of that surprisingly fun roller coaster at busch gardens that goes something like 200 miles an hour.
It sounds like this:
Maybe it’s something small.
Maybe he was embarrassed and just wants you to forget about it.
It’s possible something could be wrong.
Maybe he’s dying. He did say something about his kidneys hurting and that he has a growth on his arm. I think he said he’s scared it’s a tumor.
Maybe he’s not dying. Maybe you screwed up. Maybe you said something or did something that made him stop loving you.
And now its 12:53
Or maybe he’s gonna break up with you. He could be in love with someone else. He’s been hanging out with Sara so much lately and he is a flirt so she probably thinks he’s into her and he did say he’s always had a crush on her. And she’s a dancer so she has a great body and he would like that especially more than yours so hes definitely breaking up with you
And now it’s 12:59
And they don’t stop
And I don’t know about you
But I can’t sleep when my head tells me to not
You said overthinking would ruin me
You said it would kill me
You said anxiety is the reason you left.
And maybe all that is true.
Maybe I’m a burned out candle that keeps trying relight itself but has no wick left for the flame to hold on to.
Maybe youre right.
I won’t say that I enjoy overthinking
Having panic attacks in the girls bathroom is not something I look forward to.
I don’t wake up and aspire to lose all the oxygen in my lungs.
And despite the notes written on the bathroom stalls that tell me im beautiful and to hang on because it gets better, I just can’t believe that my head can stop.
But I will not let that limit me.
People don’t understand that I can’t just get rid of anxiety.
I can’t turn my brain off.
I don’t have a kill switch.
It’s become so woven into my life that it’s implanted itself in my fingerprints.
There is no denying its existence.
You said anxiety was my downfall.
But it’s what got me here.
Overthinking is what gave me ideas you’d never dream of
And anxiety is was pushed me to get a 4.5
When you graduated with a 0.1
And everything the two of them have made me do
Has proven to you that everything you couldn’t do
I’ve already done.
I’m not saying that anxiety is fun.
I’m not saying it’s a blessing in disguise
But before you judge people with it,
Remember what goes on behind their eyes.