I was too young, how could I know
It wasn't right, but did I show
To those outside who knew me well
Could they not see, could they not tell

Innocent youth too soon was gone
The bright blue eyes that once had shone
Now stared into a distant place
For things they'd seen they couldn't face

An angry child had now been made
Foundations for life already laid
Emotions just too much to bare
Myself, no more was I to care

And so the pattern had begun
Always in trouble, I thought was fun
But soon I found myself in deep
Control, I thought, that I could keep

It started small just smoking weed
But then I found a greater need
Sniffing gas, and speed and coke
All started from a little toke

The guys came next, I thought he cared
Used, Abused and freely shared
Beatings now a common place
My life was just an utter waste

Now in late teens and much the same
I knew there's only me to blame
Thrown out of school to start anew
Self destruction grew and grew

Drinking, drugs sex on the side
Nothing left of me inside
Boyfriends, violence, came and went
Hope by now was pretty spent

The first OD of many to come
My want for life was almost done
But then the change that saved my skin
My first match, my first goal, and my first win

I saw a new path more easy to tread
The way I'd been going I should've been dead
A place I could hide, a past to avoid
My hopes for life were suddenly buoyed

It didn't last long. a couple of years
I couldn't forget what I'd done, and my fears
Started again, I couldn't escape
The walls I had built had started to gape

But then I met Pam, thought now I'd be safe
From the pain and self loathing and utter self hate
It started off well and life was good
Then Misty and Zak, I thought that I would

Be happy and settles and living my life
But inside I knew I should be a wife
A normal life, with a husband and kid
The torment inside, I'd lifted the lid

That's when I started to get real ill
The hole in my heart I wanted to fill
Just wanting to be like all of my friends
I thought for my past, I could make amends

It wasn't to be and my illness got bad
I couldn't see the things people said that I had
The nightmare ad flashbacks were too hard to take
My thoughts were clouding decisions to make

Impulses, self harm and wanting to die
The past was something I couldn't let lie
Mood swings, depression, unable to cope
And more importantly the loss of hope

Its been the same now for a number of years
And with each year, increases my fears
I'm scared of dying, of living too
I've been lucky so far, but it's sure to fall through

I'm starting to feel like I'm nearing the end
My thoughts too ingrained, unable to bend
I really don't know which way it will go
I can't live like this is all that I know.