Dependent
I say I hate it.
In fact, it causes me the most pain.
Regardless, it makes me human;
Regardless, it is my composition.
I say I want it gone,
But how would I handle life without it?
It brings me a sense of odd security;
It brings me a sense of shape and solidity.
I say hello to it sometimes.
It's like it’s a friend offering a hug.
Only this hug is suffocating me with grip;
Only this hug is choking me with panic.
I say I want it to stay,
But only in my head.
Saying that I can’t live without it is wrong;
Saying that I can’t live without it is weak.
I say goodbye to it,
When I try new meds.
I have become accustomed to its lifestyle;
I have become entranced by its poison.
I say I can’t live without it.
Now that it’s gone my synapses are different.
I can’t feel the same panic and bile;
I can’t feel the same blanket of support.
I say that it’s back,
And I tell the truth with a minor lie.
Because a part of me wants it to stay,
Because a part of me missed it when it was gone.
I say I hate it.
In fact, it’s what I hate the most.
But I need it like the ocean needs the moon;
But I need it for it has tricked me into it’s home and now I'm locked in.