anorexia
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the inevitable question
arises again
and it cuts
just as deep
as it always does
the inevitable question
always asked by someone else
always painful
always innocent
I eat too much to die
and not enough to live
and I claim that I try
but I can’t say
how much effort I really give
my body is shutting down
but I’m past the point of feeling it
Consuming my days, and
Filling the nights
With a special blend of dread
It’s a debate in my head:
I want the day to be over
I want it to never end
I dread the days
They tried to tell me
The funniest thing
That what I’ve avoided
Will be my own doom
They whispered so loudly
The things I fear most
And the monster inside me
Uses my illness to boast.
The system is broken
You can’t change my mind
They don’t look for the right signs and warnings...
And it hurts but I can’t
And you won’t understand
But I guess that’s the price left to pay
The sky was falling
In the form
Of grey translucent drops.
The air was heavy
In my lungs
So my mind took me away.
I made a plan
I packed and ran
Every
Should I be skinnier? Smaller? Should I be more quiet?
Should I be prettier? More makeup?
How can I change myself?
isn't that what you want? Is that what you want me to say?
An apple a day to keep me healthy you say, Just make sure its organic, And have two a day. You only said one,
Why is it so hard to get better when that is what you really want to do?
Some days it is easy, and other days it is so hard that the thought of being in control is something that you can't do.
Destiny of a cursed “Runt”
Why did I stray?
I misbehaved,
Suddenly I feel beyond ashamed.
Stringent to my body
Rigorous hobby
Destiny of a cursed “Runt”
Why did I stray?
I misbehaved,
Suddenly I feel beyond ashamed.
Stringent to my body
Rigorous hobby
Beep Beep Beep
Alarm clock I think
reach out to turn it off
can’t move or even breathe
open eyes, way too bright
Needles in my skin
She has a smile even the stars can’t outshine
But if you look in her eyes, she’s breaking inside
She walk around with confidence, her chin always up
Don’t tell me you know me
Because you don’t
All you know are smiles and “im okays”
You have no idea of the pain underneath
I can walk into an all-you-can-eat buffet,
and my brain will light up like a gambling addict's.
Numbers running in my brain,
neon signs floating above plates counting fat and carbs and sugar,
Your quiet breath held mine captiveRough actions that sealed my mouth shutAgainst the screams that tore at my throatPushed down into my stomachGuilt and hate became my new mealFed in small and large doses
Punch, punch, punch.
Make it a very deep hue,
This is something you need to go through.
Cut, cut, cut.
Had a foreboding stranger preemptively prophesied to my girl-self –
Of the past two years I endured, with the hollowed bones of a bird
Readily acquiescent to the beguiling caress of death
Some people have a fear of heightsI have some friends with a phobia of clownsOthers of mice, the dark, and flying.Me? I have a fear of the numbers that stare back at me from the thing I dread having to step on
I diet, exercise, and exercise,
nothing seems to work.
Still 152lbs.
Swim for a couple hours,
go to the gym,
run around the block twice.
Doesn't work.
Look in the mirror.
The dwindling down of supper.
Lead me to believe malnutrition was the cause.
I drank more water.
Forgot my pills.
Consumed myself with my work.
I had a toothache
that resided deep in my jaw.
It stung and jolted and even
burned.
This tooth was not like the others.
It didn't want to chew food.
Recovery
something beautiful
and yet so chaotic,
words sweal
forming memories
thoughts
Recovery
seen as negative,
reminder of what we are
what we could be
this letter is me saying goodbye.
this letter is everything i couldn't say
when you were in my room that night
when i asked you to stop
to leave me alone
and you persisted
in touching me
Skipping meals, once again
how does this happen,
how is this a trend?
it isn't trendy
to starve oneself
yet here I am
Think about it too much?
or not enough?
Will I ever believe in trust?
believe in me, and my own skin?
or will I fight, against my kin?
The mirror cries long tears to the bus station
Her feet draw their mottled shapes on the
Pavement
It is wet and cold.
In my mouth, there lies elegant blood
Sometimes I think
I look back to middle school
in health class
we did a project where we researched a mental illness
or something like that
I researched anorexia
and I snap back to now
just words written down
nothing more nothing less
until they were words about
bodies
respect
food
fuel
no longer words
but a path to recovery
they say the universe is infinite
that dark matter is constantly expanding
that we are but a speck in this scheme
so why is it
that everytime I look in the mirror
I see something horribly massive
I met a girl once,
whose hair absorbed sunlight and face repelled it.
She said she was allergic to daisies and fireworks,
armpit fat and turmeric
Speak not of my bloodied chest,
but pray instead for some forgotten justice !
Fair Lady Wind, your presence is as welcome
as the flow of my precious life-blood.
I will evermore search of your beauteous
Poetry is art, beauty in motion
Soft to the ear like expensive hand lotion
words need to rhyme, not make sense
success will come, at somethings expense
Rap music and sonnets, similar in style
When I was 11, I started starving myself
When I was 13, I started cutting myself
When I was 15, I kissed a boy who had a girlfriend
When I was 16, I made a lot of mistakes
When I was 16, I decided I needed to change
I have lost weight since I was in fifth grade
and I know this because I have tracked my weight,
watching it go up and down,
like a child on a Carousel.
I am only a freshman in High School,
the best part of the norovirus
is that while it robs you of your breath,
leaves you sweat-shaking with hot chills in bed
it also steals your appetite
finally,
to be empty by no willpower of my own
I have always been the small girl. The short girl ,the skinny girl, the I can wrap my fingers around her wrist girl. The eat a cheeseburger girl.
Have you noticed?
Have you noticed how I’m chewing gum again?
How apples have become my favorite food again?
That I can’t sit down because of the bruises again?
Sometimes I think I'm not good enough.
Sometimes I know it for a fact.
Sometimes I can stare the world 'til it backs down,
Sometimes the opposite enacts.
Somehow, I never seem to fit in,
I am trapped
inside my body
the shell of a girl who cries at the thought
of breakfast, lunch and dinner
or the days when I say "fuck it"
and eat how I should
just to be punished by someone screaming
Found poetry based on the article 5 Lies My Friends With Eating Disorders Have Told Me.
Just me, all alone in this big hungry city!
All I wanted was something.
My therapist once asked me what I thought when I heard the word “beautiful”
I cringed and sank back into my seat and uttered one simple word - disgust
These thoughts don’t stop
Won’t stop
Can’t stop
Never stop
These thoughts make me do things
Things I wouldn’t normally do
choosing clothes
looking in the mirror
starring into a stranger.
we know tonight we'll skip dinner
to wake up a little bit thinner.
walking with your dog will never be the same
Sometimes I feel about my body
the way meat must feel about
sausage casings. Too many
circles forced inside squares,
too many curves held captive behind societal bars.
I cannot wear the red blouse.
Lines that defined my curves taunted my eyes
Blurry tears dripping as I ran faster into dusk
To fit into a teenage concept of “sex appeal”
Dear ED,
How you made me feel like Eve,
at the early age of 13.
Taking me to the Garden of Eden,
just by opening up that one Teen Vogue magazine.
Dear Parasite Living In My Brain,
When you officially decided to set up camp in my head is still a mystery.
You grew slowly, and gradually took over all of my thoughts and emotions.
Dear ED,
or should I call you by your real name?
Anorexia.
Oh, how far we go back.
I have written this letter in my head hundreds of times to you
but I've never had the guts...
(Ha! the irony)
Dear Ana,
I know,
I know I failed,
I know I should have done better.
I know, I know, I know.
I’ll find you one day, I promise.
I almost had you, but I let go.
I let them take you away from me.
Dear Eating Disorder,
I loved you, with every inch of my pudgy body.
When I began to lose my mind, you told me to lose weight.
You held my life together.
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
I'm tired of your twisted ways,
How you've occupied too many of my days,
You're cruel, vicious, and like to ruin lives
You don't care who dies or survives.
I've been in your grasp for eight long years
Dear Daddy,
As I sit at this blank screen and wonder what to write.
As I think back to everything you've taught me, and realized you were right.
You were the world to me, my sun, moon and light.
Does anyone else feel like they are being held captive?
Well, I do. You want me to find the ugliness outside.
I wish I was blind.
I try not to count the calories so I write in diaries.
To a Certain Skeletal Sickness
Dear Ana, you know your devastation on me.
When you take a physical part away, you also steal my soul
Once
There was a castle.
In that castle was a princess.
Cursed,
By danger and imperfection.
I have never been to great at math.
Numbers looks like hieroglyphics that
have yet to be tanslated into english.
Its symbols look like my 5th grade art portfolio scribbles,
but yet
ravenous creature
feeding on scraps and whispers
tired of waiting
no longer sitting
patiently or silently
we are monsters together,
huddled under the bed
of our childhood selves,
keeping each other warm
when there is nothing to eat
but nightmares.
You're taking all these health and science classes:Nutrition, Wellness, and Anatomy. You know how risky losing weight this fast is.If you know better, then why can't you eat?
no one invites me anywhereno one wants to hang out with meno one likes me as more than a friendI have tons of problems tooI hate myself I feel so ugly I feel so fatI starve myself
You don't need more food...
You should probably get a small...
You should go for a walk...
You should cover your stomach...
Why aren't you speaking to me?
Why do you always sleep?
After years of starving myself to be thin,
Rewarding myself when I ate far too little,
And forcing myself to vomit if I ate “too much”,
Obsessively counting calories,
Water.
Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and…water.
When i only ate a bite of my lunch and threw the rest away.
You didnt notice.
All you’ve had to eat for the past 2 days are your own fingernailsSkinny girls hip bone wishesYou want to be skinnySkinny means prettySkinny means wantedSkinny means loved
And I drank water
not to quench my thirst,
but to repel my hunger.
And I writhed
when someone
made me eat.
And I couldn't mask
the feeling that
something was eating me
Tuck in the shirt and tighten the belt, it'll help you look smaller.
Tighten the apron.
Eat breakfast because it should be the only big meal you have today.
I wonder if they think I'm beautiful?
Fat thats what I am Ugly that's what I think when I look into the mirror, that mirror that just looks deeper into my eyes, that sees the hunger that fills them.Searching for the food that will stop the never-ending disorder.Help help that's what m
Fat thats what I am.
Ugly that's what I think when i look into the mirror, that mirror that just looks deeper into my eyes, that sees the hunger that fills them.
Everyday girls stand on the scales, and cry.
They look in the mirror and cry.
They look at themselves, see themselves as fat
when they are fading away to skin and bone.
I try, I really do
But it never seems enough
It plagues my mind, Day and night
The voice just won’t shut up.
I constantly want more
But at the same time, want less
I am a host for a parasite,
A parasite whose disease has sucked on my mind,
Leaching my hope,
Leaching my sanity,
Raping me of all personality.
I am angry
I am angry at the word Society
I am angry that people still think Anorexia is just for girls
and I am angry at the term "Pro Ana."
pain. when you're in pain for much of your day, you'd do anything to rid it away, but you cant. all you do is sleep and pant. when you've given up on such, just to sit in the muck an drown.
Dear Ana, it's me a friend
The one you almost pushed to the very end
Dear Ana my knuckles still scarred
Ana, why?
Why have you come back to revisit me
Ana don't make me plead.
All you’ve had to eat for the past 2 days are your own fingernails Skinny girls hip bone wishes You want to be skinny Skinny means pretty Skinny means wanted Skinny means loved Skinny is only a fantasy for you, hoping, praying to lose that 20 poun
I lie here with him, with her.
He is holding me like I am his all
and I lie here stiff as a board.
She stole my heart,
a heart that was once his,
a heart that was once warm with love and passion.
This cloudy mindset,
now my norm.
The aching pains,
I learned to ignore.
The feverish chills,
that I possess.
Just another day,
of living with death.
I cannot think straight.
America
Where they say to be yourself
But "yourself" should be beautiful
So you make Yourself
Only you know you will never compete
With the image on the screen
Or the perfect aesthetic squares
Can’t see it, can’t have it, can’t taste it,
Or you will surpass your limit.
Don’t let your body throw a fit.
In the end, you know that it’s worth it.
I feel my heart is racing
my mind is constantly chasing
yet here I am just spacing
desperately embracing
rapidly effacing
i'm falling and displacing
She's silhouetted against a stark nothing.
You can see where the tear rolls down her cheek
And the skin clings to her bones as she bends down.
She's starving herself.
She doesn't realize she's in pain.
Was he really that desperate?The words pound through my mind.Was he really that desperate?My legs threaten to give in beneath me. Was he really that desperate?
This feeling has sunk deep into my soul and I’m afraid that my body isn’t mine anymore.24 hours a day, 7 days a week.There’s no time for resting.This feeling makes me wish that the next day to come unfortunately wouldn’t.
A year ago today
The end of October
A happy girl stood on a scale and saw the number had dropped
Joy filled her!
Soon she had to buy all new jeans because all of hers were to big
Size 8! Isn't that great!
I'm losing weight because
you only love me for my skeleton,
on my ribs you carve ampersands,
because my life is nothing
without your "and's."
"And the others are prettier,
the others are wise."
Stomach shriveled
Legs weak
Loss of appetite
Loss of sleep
Constantly freezing
Constantly stressed
Why oh why am I so depressed?
Hunger is gnawing
I'm feeling so faint
It’s not an addiction,
Really it’s not,
But that mirror,
It’s a source of affliction.
Not long ago,
I could look in that mirror,
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
The demons live,
They live inside me.
They tell me not to eat,
They tell me to cut.
They tell me I'm not good enough,
They tell me nobody cares.
And I can't escape them,
One cut, Two cuts,
Three cuts, Four,
C'mon honey,
Whats one more?
Five cuts, Six cuts,
Seven cuts, Eight,
Want some dinner?
"I already ate".
Nine cuts, Ten cuts,
I use to have a best friend.
She was tall and extremely thin.
When I look in the mirror,
I sometimes see her again.
Even though she was thin,
She still wasn't comfortable in her bony skin
As a way to not feel depressed,
Or maybe it was oppressed.
The fifth grade was only a start,
As a senior I still feel its mark.
My mother felt the bottle or aluminum can was an escape
silent breaking, day by day
against my will, I run away
afraid of those I used to trust
one breath away from giving up
Hope seems but a vague memory
I am 14 and I am sinking to the bathroom floor for the third time this week.
I read all the instructions,
Filled out all the forms,
But still I have fallen behind.
I never speak up in class,
Tell her that the way her bones stick out from her body is sexy
Explain to her that you don’t like “big girls”
Tell her that the gap in her thighs
It is delicious and sweet,
So simple to enjoy,
When not having to worry about a thing.
For me that's not the case.
I love food, at least I did
But the relationship is on and off.
Hate never silenced her wordsAnd compliments never brought about changeAll she ever did was binge and purgeBut her mind remained tainted and strange
When I was 7 years old
My mind was consumed
With visions of angels
The soft glow of the sun
The splashing of water
Anorexia nervosa. Battle of the mind. Battle of the body.
It all describes the same struggle. It was the disease that landed me in the hospital.
Therapy of all kinds was scheduled. Art, music, family, group, writing.
I will never write poetry again. The day started with a usual feeling of grief, I didn't want to go to school and I definitely didn't want to go to English class.
I look in the mirror and hate what I see
Lines of red up and down my body
Fat as can be
People say I need to loose weight
That I'm getting too big
So when my parents ask I say "I already ate."
Sitting in the car attached to the cart while grocery shopping with your mother
Being carried from the couch to your bed by your father after you've accidently fallen asleep watching The Little Mermaid
again
When I was young I hated the summer
Sweat, tight clothes, overflowing out of stiff shorts
Sucking in, holding my breath
Standing up stiff and straight- I couldn't wait to be underwater
Where no one could see me
It started innocently in high school
Entering those broad double doors
Gazing at the slender and sleek girls
Wishing I could be one of them
I was content with what I had
Until I got those looks of
With two fingers down my throat I taste only shame as I imagine myself with a negative 2 inch waist and a gap between my legs that could've gone on for a mile and I envision the boned creature that dances in the darkest corners of my mind parading
Don't romanticize this and say some boy or girl will pick you up off the floor and hold you in his arms and wipe your tears away and kissing you anyways. This is the gruesome reality of always smelling like puke. It never goes away.
You never noticed
That you never saw him eat
In all the months you've known him.
You had no idea
Whether she shaved her legs
Because you never saw her in anything but sweats -
The need to be skinnyThe hatred of your own bodyThigh gapCollar bonesHip bonesOur society has createdaskinny love.
2002. I’m seven years old and scared as hell
To make a sound
I start to weep and plead with her
Please, please not Emily
Sitting on my stomach
burning the wet tissue.
sadness fills the void.
never
good enough, not
anymore.
hating self-control
half of me is here,
I always feel
watch as I disappear
as I sabotage my nutrition
Don't eat.
there goes that voice again
my lover daring me to gain
a fucking pound
She runs away to hide
nobody giving her a second glance
so no one sees her cry
why can't they give her another chance
Broken girl all alone
locked away in her room
putting on her headphones
anorexia and bulimia became my entire life for 4 solid, miserable years. every month i’d stop eatting till they took me to the hospital, then when i got home, i’d do it again. every month i’d drop around 10 pounds, some months i’d drop 20.
I look in the mirror
I don't see me
I just see her
The demon that haunts my every thought and dream
Some call her Ana
I usually just say
Ana Please
Ana,
I fear that I am a mistake
a mistake of God..
and one day He'll realize it, then I'll disappear.
No one will notice,
no one will care, some may even be relieved..
Can I swallow some pills to help me swallow the pain?
Give me a blade s I can slice away.
Teach me to hold things in and I will teach you to deposit small wieghts of trickery into your pockets.
“you are what you eat.”
an english proverb - if you eat well, you will be well; but if you eat badly you will feel bad.
i used to eat icing behind the couch, shovel it into my mouth like the dirt i played with outside.
i’m seven and alive, and i...
You look in the mirror, you poke and pinch,
turn to the side, suck in, wish you could lose just one more inch.
You swear up and down you've already eaten,
by "skinny thoughts," you already feel beaten.
I am someone who just wants to escape
To flee the deep, dark depths of my mind
To a place free of dibilitating pain
The kind of pain that grips my throat and suffocates me
I want to be beautiful
A girl of just fourteen
Decides to go lean
Little by little stop the meals
Skip the breakfast
Take the heel
A moment on the lips
A lifetime on the hips
A year passes
She's underweight
My arms have gotten fat and weak
My thighs are soft and plush
The weight I gained is in my cheek
My stomach feels like mush
My former self ws thin and weak
Although I thought her strong
Photos of perfect people #Filter
Photos of perfect bodies #Filter
Photos of perfect models #Filter
I do no think these photos embody
the beauty of a sleepy smile, or the yawn of somebody you love
Anna
“You can’t have sex wearing a wig” she said
That line could’ve made me laugh
If she wasn’t clutching the sides of her head
Wondering what choice did she have.
“It’s all in your head.”
“Chemical imbalance. You just have to deal with it.”
“You’re just looking for attention.”
My voice
Is something which my ears fail to define
When it kisses the air, it splinters
Into exactly 2 billion and 3 question marks
Hooking round my pores and
Peppering my flesh with pock-marks of stray
I'm lostlonely, languishing in this miseryI don't know what to do to fix thisI just want to laugh some time,and I need to get rid of this lanugoand maybe just once in a while
The heat escapes your "perfect" body.
The bruises on your tailbone green.
The hunger pains bring satisfaction.
A skeleton too early for Halloween.
I was not beautiful.
I am not beautiful.
I will never be beautiful.
But I could be thin.
It began as a whisper
It grew louder, it spoke to me
Until every day it was a
Screaming in my ear,
The world drains of colour
Black mourning in my eyes
Too many times
I've stared death in the eye
So close
I could feel his cold
Stagnent breath on my cheeks
She speaks in tongues
But you understand her ramblings
No matter what
Because she's all you know.
She moves in sync
With your breaths
And broken steps because
She follows you always.
What would I give for a moment of peace, a moment to feel, a moment to breath, a moment to not hear the voices in my head yell constantly
your
NOT
good
enough.
Your not worthy of love, only pain.
I have watched the love of my life
Fluctuate her weight
In attempts to control it
And control her disordered eating
I have watched her eyes sink
Her ribs poke out
Mia whispers that I could be better.
Ana shouts at me to pull it together.
Mia says she wants what is best.
Let me live in your bed,naked as a fishribs emerging day by day like gills as you steal my breath.Moss will creep over my ankles -oh, keep us from the harsh heavy air,swim languidly through the sheets
Who am I?
A question even I don't know,
For this face I do deny,
And body try to hide,
This mask as my disguise,
Every mirror will catch my eye,
To eat I have to try,
Anorexia.
As I stand in front of my closet, I tumble and climb to get to the top shelf
because that is where I hide my five dollar scale.
Seizing it down, I set it on some hard surface
It hit me one night on tumblr
a blog i
stumbled upon
with a bio that sounded
a LOT like my old best friend
we never fell out
our friendship never ended
They call it unhealthy I used to disagreethat everything I used to do to mePut death right in my faceThey call it a disorder I can't say much moreEverything I used to hear was what tore
She was the fat girl her whole entire life,
Then one day she decided to eat right.
She didn't see results as fast as she had hoped,
So she stuck her finger down her throat and poked.
A beautiful fake smile wearing,
Hides my internal tearing.
I spend my days stealing,
Robbing my body of healing.
Bones and ribs are showing,
Baggy clothes keep them from knowing.
It feels like stones no matter what I put in
The hardness makes my stomach groan in pain
The echoing of the fall audible from the outside
I can eat old favourites or new worsts but it ends the same
God help me.
Give me a hand.
help me out.
im drowning in your presence,
but it is evil that reaches his hand out to help.
to pull me out of these rising waters.
I try to stand upright,
but I just keep falling.
I try to keep the blade away,
but I just keep bleeding.
I try not to puke,
but my throat is raw.
I try to care,
but I just can't.
Saddened self harmers,
Battling bulimics,
Angsty anorexics,
Isolated insomniacs,
Scared schizophrenics,
Lonely lesbians,
Gloomy gays,
Battling bisexuals,
Troubled transexuals,
Beat me down
Pull my hair
A constant frown
It's so unfair
My mind is distorted
It makes me see things that aren't really there
My body is contorted
God, I wish I didn't care
The number, the size,the sanity, the happinesswane.
This is what you wanted, isn't it?
Flat stomach, thigh gap,slim waist, and prominent bones,achieved.
"Treat me like glass, tear me to shreds like I'm paper." She had said.
She spoke harsh words, but she whispered them like sweet nothings.
The monster in my head.
Inhale, exhale.
A girl, overweight her whole life, wants to be thin.
Before she can, she has to plan
Cut out sugars
Detox, only for a few days though, it'll be okay
Eat less, it'll help
Fat, is all I see
I know how it feels.
To hate the food you put in your mouth.
So why not go without?
A day?
Barely eat anything?
Not a problem.
Because you can use it.
You came to me,
like a snowflake falling from the sky,
drifting until you found your way.
Your smile was like a fire,
it sparked in me and made me want to ignite it everyday.
I am quietbecause were I to open my mouthand let out the sugardemonscrouching behind my teeth,they would make you cry.I am tiredbecause were I to stay awakefor an hour or so more
It was always either too hot or too cold in her troubled mind.
And no amount of tossing or turning could ever
tucker her out enough for her to tuck her self in,
at night her mind was a race car that never ran out of gas,
Ask the girl in the glass how she survives on just air.
Ask her, how does she last when she devours nothing but despair?
And remorse coats her every attempt to ignore what she sees,
Healthy girls wanting to be my size
they aren't happy
they have voices in their heads telling them to eat this an eat that
that's why they are fat
they always complain and it's not a game
Disappointment. Anger. Sadness. Fear. I'm afraid. Some days are easier than others. Some days it feels like ropes are pulling me into the ground, and I don't have the strength to resist, so I just sleep. Some days my heart feels heavy.
They say "stay strong,
keep moving on"
while I'm shuttering and cold;
and I've been growing old,
of the voices in my head.
And, I'm all alone.
"it's just a phase," they say.
With an empty stomach I go to bed. There is no food for me tonight.
With an empty stomach I wake up. The result of the night before is taking its effect.
Taped on her mirror
Are pictures of Goddesses
Angelia, goddess of lips
Kim, goddess of curves
Twin goddesses Mary Kate and Ashley
Deities of being skinny
She wakes up
clickclickclickclick
goes the key board as i sip my morning tea.
Spiling, gushing ,spewng my deepest trauma and heatache.
My therapy, your guilty pleasure.
The best job, if you ask me, is that of a writer.
5'3 and 140 pounds.
Doctor says there's risk,
could become overweight.
Better work out soon, tisk tisk.
5'3 and 130 pounds.
Parents praise showers her,
With inspired faces and dedication
Looking down at the scale,
A little girl’s legs tremble in fear.
In shock she turns pale,
Hoping she could disappear.
“I must starve! I must starve!
No one will love me,
If I do not barf.”
My girlfriends and I were in the gym.I lifted five pound dumbbells. They went on the most intense machinesat the highest speeds.Sweat poured out of their pores
Psychology class has stirred me, and I want to address this burden.
In fact, I will use apostrophe to address it in second-person.
You've been terrorizing people; that's a well-known fact.
An obsession
An addiction.
It tortures me,
but I need it.
I got to know
the number on the scale.
Restrict my food.
Binge eat.
Purge.
Thoughts of laxatives.
I once was
A girl caged in lonliness; living nightmare
The devil on my back
Crawled in my head
Just get over it, she said.
Were these words simply a cruel joke?
I never expected to hear them
From the walking medical degree in a lab coat.
Shouldn’t you be smarter than that? I wanted to scream.
If I take one bite
I won't forgive myself
I will not accept
This body is not mine
This body is not right
I hate it
I don't want it
I can't have it
Magazines, TV, and ads.
There we stood face to face
neither one daring to flinch
The mirror howling
screaming in agony
its cries growing more and more and even more intense
I feel him on my back,
The demon that’s riding me,
He’s been with me through everything.
Every panic attack,
He’s the one on my chest
Making it hard to breathe,
As I gasp in air.
I don't want to look death in its sunken face
And realize what I've left for the human race
To remember me by is nothing but
Insecurity and shame, oh it isn't enough
I want to leave behind a legend, not even grand
This isn't something you ask for,
This wasn't something I chose
For the monster that tricked me,
Was as alluring as a rose.
I didn't realize my portions,
Began to drastically shrink,
In fifth gradeI ate rotten meatbecause a ten year oldcannot hate themselves.
In sixth grademy dad left for the sixthand the final timeand I started blacking outfrom trying to hunt him down
She looks up from the porcelain sink to see the reflection of a girl. Her face is drained of color and her lips tremble.
Ana is my best friend,
Or so I thought she was.
Ahe fills my head with lies
To constantly disguise
The fact that she's no good for me.
Truth be told,
She's killing me.
"Beauty is pain"
I look in the mirror
My smile fades
Disgust overwhelms me
As I go through each day
Why am I living?
Why am I here?
Just to disappoint
Living with fear
I'm never good enough
Walls, built sturdy and tall.Doors, built to let people in.These walls make a tower, I threw away the key.All in an effort, to keep you from me.
He used to tell me that I wasn't good enough. He used to hurt me, but on the outside I just played along. I never looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I put scars on my skin, like he etched on my heart.
I fist fought a girl named Ana,A battle to the death-And when she pushed me to the groundShe knocked me out of breath.She pulled out my hair in pieces,She bruised my fragile bones,
the flourescent lightson her iridescent skinreveal the railroad tracksof her train with no brakes"all aboard," the ageless conductor criesshe climbs in.
It is not that I love death more,
but that I love myself less.
This eating disorder is becoming a chore.
It is something lodged in my chest.
It's not that I love food less,
I hear voices
Go see the school psychologist
I am not eating anything
Go see the nurse
I am cutting myself
Go see a guidance counselor
I am pregnant
Go see Planned Parenthood
Shes controled by a skinny waist, a empty stomach and an acid taste. Sit back and watch closly, as that beautiful soul goes to waste. Keep up with the fast pase, another skipped lunch and a hunch to move paranoia in it's place.
The slits on her wrist,
The burns on her calf.
Not eating for weeks,
Hating herself.
These are not things to glorify,
They should not able to.
Be seen clearly,
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
Forever engaged to silence
getting through day by day
smiling and laughing
pretending your okay
"Im fine" or my favorite "I already ate"
she pretended to happy
but all that was fake
If you took a good, long, hard look at her stomach, what would you see? Don't look at the skin of her stomach which she mistakes for fat.
Inside, they consume me
the words of society
filled with rejection
My heart aches and throbs
as I'm wrapped in the image
of pure pefection
Yet I can not grasp
I step on the scale
Feel the glass beneath my feet
One hundred and ten pounds
That's still too much for me
I'm trying so hard to fight this
And the battle is not yet lost
She wants it within herself....peace
Because she can't get it from nobody else
looking in the mirror seeing someone big and fat
but she purges and binge so how come she see that
Count the calories, count the pounds,
the less you have the smaller you are.
Collarbones, tiny waist,
beauty is deeper than just your flesh.
Struggling with yourself,
fighting the demons in your mind.
I’ve had a target on my back since I was five.I got to the point where I didn’t want to be alive.Like other children, I just wanted to be an actress.That turned into hiding razors under my mattress.
You're looking skinny like a modelWith your eyes all painted black.Always going to the bathroom,Saying you'll be right back.Well it takes one to know one, kid.I think you got it bad.
Memories of bright days flow out of my head and drip to the floor
Into a liquid blob of obscure, lifeless, dark figures.
Color. Happiness. Sanity. Personality. Life.
I'm just dying
To be perfect.
Whatever it takes,
Will be worth it.
Can I please,
Be enough for you?
I'm stumbling, trying,
To make it through.
And pleasing everyone,
You live, you die, you laugh, you cry
That is how life goes, but i wonder why
Some say it is like a roller coaster
It takes you to your highs and lows
Others say it is like a journey
you wear Sadness as an oversized sweateras a familiar haircut-never ostentatiousinstead always quietalways specious.
Fault of Destiny
As a female it is destine to endure the pain of feminism. The
curiosity of Eve will forever haunt the innocent. A normal female
I step into
The hallway.
It's blurry.
One more step.
Each step takes so much
Effort.
There are no other bodies
But mine.
Everything is a hazy
Cream color.
Except the lights.
The wind in the willow the will o' the wisp
A treehouse down where I used to live
Up in the willow the willow that weeps
Outside the orchard my maple held me
Ribcage
Open your ribcage
To try and see the thing inside
That threatens to drag you under
The hunger causes it
It eats away at you
Gives you dead eyes
And fuzzy thoughts
All this suffering - it makes no sense
How one could live through such nonsense.
Minute by minute, the pain increases
As it rips through her veins like shards and pieces.
I can smell it.
It makes my stomach
growl, yet churn.
My mouth begins to water,
as I take in the scent.
I refuse it,
the urge to taste.
I have the strength.
I will reach my goal.
I get angry at my body for what's living in my headif I could flee my form I'd do it, and live in my soul insteadmy body has its wants, but my soul has its needs,and what my body wants leaves my disgusted soul to bleed
A grim reflection
of skin and bones
Tearing her apart
with self-hatred
Magazines
covered with beauty
She only wishes
she could be like them
The mirror
tells her lies
It was so easy at first.
Like a moth to the flame.
I was an innocent victum.
And you a harmless game.
Just skip one,
it can't hurt?
After all, what's the worst?
Nobody can see the damage,
Camera, cameras, flash. Click, Click, snap. The people all stare but it’s my job not to care.
She tells me I’m pretty, he tells me I’m fine. But it’s always there, in the back of my mind.
I had zits.
I have zits.
We all do, it just comes with being a teenager. And just like zits, that awful “I’m not beautiful” feeling also comes with being a teenager.
My skin hangs weightlessly off my bones,
like an old shirt on a clothes hanger.
My stomach feels no hunger,
it no longer knows what hunger is.
I'm hungry.
But who really cares, because
these leggings don't fit.
My head hurts.
And you can't take pills
on an empty stomach.
The world feels fuzzy.
I wish I had the power
Everyone around me speaks casually
Of diets and calories
And bad metabolisms
I will sit
And keep my mouth shut
And bite back tears
As images of perfection
I never knew that there were ways to express myself out loud.
Always bottling up emotions, ready to explode.
Soon, I began to write.
I released emotions that had been suppressed for too long.
No one knows I haven’t eaten in weeks; I try my best to act normal; Within this sickness, I have reached my peak; Just waiting for my turn to fall; Sometimes its not so easy to hide; And some begin to get suspicious; But I will continue to push al
Ana and Mia
Sitting in a tree
And what do you know
Along comes Me
They trick my mind
So I see them as beautiful
And who would’ve thought
I began to fall in love
I fall fast
I'm trying I'm trying
I swear that I am
But my life is in pieces
I don't give a damn
Yes I know it's unhealthy
Yes I know I could die
I'm told that I'm pretty
But that last one's a lie
THE DUSK
My body begs for me to stop.
I will not listen. I will not give in.
The Voice forbids it.
It's true, less really is more.
I cry. Eyes like a troubled sea.
But I swear I'm fine.
I turn like an unbalanced ballerina in the face of the mirror,
Examining each curve and pudge of the body I have been drilled to hate,
And squint critically as I suck in my stomach.
Am I pretty yet?
Unyielding as the door
Take notice of my tears as they beat the bathroom floor
I open my mouth but no sound comes out
Transparent and free moving like the wind blowing by
Today, I ate a half an apple.
Today, I stared at myself in the mirror, saw the jutting of my hips, the mountains of my shoulder blades, and the hills and valleys my ribs made.
I saw
With my own eyes
My body
From a bench I watched them walk,
all in a line,
the exertion of emotion dripping from each individual pus-filled,
black-headed pore,
twitching and moaning like dead men with gaping mouths and scarlet tongues
For all the heartbroken teenage poets whose hearts are filled
with unspoken rhymes,
for the lovelorn adolescent authors whose beloved words
are spoken out of time,
See that girl sitting over there?
Rumor has it that in the ninth grade
she and a senior boy with a movie poster face and a Hollister body
went at it in the bushes at Sarah Something-Or-Other's 18th birthday party
I look at the mirror
and see a face I so hate to see.
Take the tape, measure 'bout my waist
Compare the scale at my feet.
170, it says, so I will change it.
It’s the shriek that wakes me.
A piercing, horrifying shriek that invades my peace
Like an unconcerned army marching blindly under the control of unknown generals,
Internalize
what you love,
despise
desire
lose yourself, entire
yet don't dismiss
that inner tormented artist
when did we proclaim
that our dreams were unattainable?
She’s perfectly perfect
Skinny enough
But she doesn’t see
that reflection in the mirror.
Everything wrong.
The feeling of imperfection
ever lasting.
Starvation forces numbers down
She takes a deep breath before looking into the mirror,
Afraid of her 19-year old reflection,
Taking an unsteady step forward she raises her head,
And sees a million imperfections,
Lady lazarus kissed me on the forehead
Never again will I cry because
She stole my heart and embroidered
It with diamonds and emeralds
Who will i be when I learn to fly?
His hollow black eyes whisper lethal,
but he sure knows how to weave grace into a dull ribcage.
His secrets of elegance deter one from the uncertainties of existence.
I may sleep for the
Weak I feel so deep in my
Guts and those damn bones
Not cured but bad
I’m not in sickness but I
Do think about it
I needed a friend...
Someone
Who would always be there for me
Comfort
To keep me safe and secure
Courage
To do what I wanted to with my life
Happiness
That my body could not contain
...
The miles beneath her feet were many,
but she felt as though she hadn't moved.
Head heavy as any stone she strove to keep her chin up
and her head above water, but she knew.
It starts off as a stupid diet
You just want to drop a size
You never thought you'd end up like this
Feeding your family lies
She can’t remember when it all started,
The day she became insecure.
She used to be so confident,
The one they all adored.
She started looking around at all the other girls,
Comparing herself to them.
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
She who's tall and she who's thin,
She who gets a workout in
She whose thighs are far apart,
She who has an ice cold heart.
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
You know that thing?
The thing that nobody talks about?
Making yourself puke?
Yeah
I do that
It hurts
It burns
It destroys your teeth
But what they forget to tell you
In health class
Recovery Is Possible
That's what they keep telling me
I don't know how to believe it
When I've had this eating disorder
For almost a decade
But I know
I'm sick of it
I'm sick of the being sick
That's what someone called me yesterday
I was just walking
Alone
In the hallway at school
And the girl
The blonde one
With the long, slender legs
And the flat stomach
Ana
Anorexia
Anorexia nervosa
Ana
My friend
My best, closest friend
You're there for me
When I need you
You whip me into shape
You love me
I can tell you do
The thing about ED is
He never leaves you
Through the good
The bad
The ugly
He's there
A little wasp
Following you around
Stinging you
Every time you reach out
I eat for the wellbeing of my body
For my blood pressure
And my heart palpitations
And my hyperinsulinemia (whatever that means).
I eat for the wellbeing of my body
For my teeth
And my bones
the whispers in my ears
are my deepest darkest fears
she yells but soothes
always with bad news
"you gained since yesterday"
every morning i hear her say
she forces me to stop
