Anorexia

Mon, 04/28/2014 - 13:38 -- Azshara

Location

Disappointment. Anger. Sadness. Fear. I'm afraid. Some days are easier than others. Some days it feels like ropes are pulling me into the ground, and I don't have the strength to resist, so I just sleep. Some days my heart feels heavy. I want to be held. I want someone to be strong for me because I know I am not strong enough myself. Some days I feel on top of the world. I feel invincible and perfect. I feel like nothing, not even the mirror and her harsh words, can hurt me. Other days, I feel strong enough to allow myself to break regularity, but then I hate myself afterwards. Some days, I wake up before the sun comes up, so I can run until I can't walk, and then fall back asleep so no one forces me to eat breakfast or lunch. Some days, I wake up sad, and I already know the mirror will hate me the whole day. I know the shadows will follow me, whispering what a failure I am. They'll find their way beneath my skin and stay there until I either starve them or give them an escape through my flesh. Some days I'm strong enough to laugh and spend time with my family and be a real person. Other days I'm barely half-alive, stumbling around, my feet halfway beneath the earth, and I lash out at my mom or sister, and I hate myself for it. Some days they yell at me, but bits and pieces of me are scattered everywhere: my bed, the roads where I run, sitting in the living room, doing crunches in the shower, sleeping beneath the earth, running through the grass with friends, drinking, crying as I read texts, breaking hearts, having sex with people I hate, pretending to be something I'm not, writing poetry, screaming into pillows, sitting over the toilet with a finger down my throat, bleeding silently and watching it swirl down the drain, begging a guy to stop raping me, overdosing on sleeping pills for either the greatest hibernation ever or a dreamless sleep. Some days I'm a mess, but I don't mind. Some days, I act so well I fool myself, and I believe it's all okay. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live in the real world. I guess, I just want to be numb. It's easier that way. 

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