The Battle That Took Too Long
There we stood face to face
neither one daring to flinch
The mirror howling
screaming in agony
its cries growing more and more and even more intense
Pleading for us to raise our swords the mirror threatening to shatter into a billion fragments if we failed to comply
And so we did
We raised those swords
We resumed that ongoing battle
that had occupied us for an eternity
the battle that drained us of everything we possessed except that one ounce of willpower that forced us not to give up
a vicious cycle of a battle
a disgusting thing
And so we fought it out
dancing around each other
Cynically, cowardly
With every stride I felt her analyzing me
Scrutinizing, judging
The whispering of her eyes failed to cease
Ribs are for protruding thighs for disappearing eyes for drowning into a sea of black socket
Tantalizing, taunting
The mirror cackled in agreement
the mirror cackled in hysteria
I couldn't let her win I wouldn't I refused
They ate to their hearts' content
I was better than that
I had control,
I'd show her
And so I tried
I consumed less
And as I did so,
she consumed more
of me
Eating away
one cell at a time
me vanishing at her will
The parties stopped
Too difficult
too miserably straining
They
along with all social gatherings
any event in the presence of food
My grandparents couldn’t bring themselves to see me
the suffering wasn't worth it
I lied to them I lied to my friends I lied to everyone
I told them I was at peace
The more they begged and pleaded with me, the more I resisted and the harder she pulled
They were in a vile position, my hands were stained
I was alone
But I was in control,
I thought
I was drowning in pitiful equivocation
For she was always there
haunting me
She was the one with the upper hand,
I a fool for being so oblivious
so hungry for exerting the dominance I never had
A power struggle
dynamic and exhausting
A tug of war
the rope tied to my heart
and she pulling with all her might
Each calorie ingested was a dagger to my soul
With each pound gained a pound of blood was shed
There were instances when the throb was too intense
instances that forced me to utilize my shield
But I wasn't fooling anyone
That scrap of metal wasn’t protection any more than it was a cage
separating my body from the nourishment it so desperately craved
Time and time again I demolished that shield only to have it form once more around my feeble mind
And that's just the thing about mind games
One moment they disappear,
the next they return to feed off of your brain
Your brain
a frighteningly, beautifully potent thing
itself responsible for its own demise
A civil war
A test of my own strength,
a test passable only by determination,
a test that introduced me to the word "insanity" and drove screwdrivers into my mind until I thought I'd had enough
But I didn't let myself give in
I refused to live the rest of my life at her service
I was obstinate
rightfully so
And I was victorious
eventually
A year later, she surrendered
She didn't have my perseverance
my love for my brain and body
my refusal to cede them
despite their imperfections
She didn't cry every night
wondering why she was the only one to whom this happened,
or rather why she was the only one who did this to herself.
And she didn't get up every day,
chest to the sky,
raising her voice back at the mirror,
Today I will reconquer myself
For the ones I love,
the ones who don't deserve this,
the ones I've been hurting too long
Anorexia didn't win the battle
I didn't let her.