It is delicious and sweet,
So simple to enjoy,
When not having to worry about a thing.
For me that's not the case.
I love food, at least I did
But the relationship is on and off.
Somedays I don't give a shit,
I do as I please.
The rest of them I torture myself.
I feel guilty with every bite,
Every calorie meant to make me fatter.
Every sweet thing I love turned bitter and sour.
Every pain I feel, the exhaustion, fatigue
I say that I'm not hungry, although my body is begging.
I only skipped one meal.
I've gotten so bad that I can't look myself in the mirror.
I can't look at the calories if I want to eat,
And when I do the guilt kills me.
So I skip a meal, maybe two,
I live off drinking to stay hydrated and full.
I've stuck the two fingers down my throat,
Retched and heave with nothing to show.
That was in the past,
At least that is what I believe,
But these thoughts and memories haunt me today.
I hate the mirror cause I'll never be skinny,
All I can see is fat.
All I can see is failure.
All I can see is disappointment.
All I can see is me.
A girl who thinks about starvation,
Thinking it could be her salvation.
But I know it won't be, it can't,
Cause I am better than that.
Am I really?
No I am not, but it is to spare others
Not see their pity and despair.
I fight it all the time,
Knowing that it is my job
To overcome this in my life,
In order to help others see that they'll be all right.
In order to make an impact,
Save my life,
I'll swallow the food despite my plight.