My fear

Some people have a fear of heights
I have some friends with a phobia of clowns
Others of mice, the dark, and flying.
Me? I have a fear of the numbers that stare back at me from the thing I dread having to step on
The thing that has traumatized me for as long as I could speak
You see the scale and I have a long history
With more lows then there were ever highs
And I  
Have never known what it has felt like to not prepare for the same lecture
To not get the same disappointing sigh from my mother
To not leave the doctors office with a feeling of dread and embarrassment

when I look in the mirror
I am a reminder of the thing I hate the most
When I brush my teeth and
When I tie my hair I am reminded
When I raise my hand in class I am reminded
When I am given clothes as a gift knowing the gift receipt is in the box “just in case” I am reminded
When I go into the store to return what was in the box pretending to look for something in my size and inevitably never finding it because I am inside a Hollister where all the thin pretty girls are looking at me like an Elephant who has invaded the territory of the gazelles wondering why she has lost her way to the watering hole
I am reminded

When I finally told someone how I felt they told me
“Well maybe you should eat less.”
So I did
I ate less
And less
And less
And less
Until water bottles started to replace meals
Sleep started to replace hunger
Until distractions became my favorite past time
Until my body started to register that eating food is bad and being hungry is even worse

When I feel like I’m about to give in I remind myself of the times I have cried in the dressing room when something my size didn’t fit
When I see someone wearing the same outfit as me except it looks better on them
It always looks better on them

Over time it gets easier
You learn to accept that you are just a black hole and that is collapsing into itself
Getting smaller and smaller by the second
Except you aren’t getting smaller just yet but you have the hope and knowledge that you will
Because you are finally in control of something in your life
Because you have the power to make sure it goes your way and stays that way
You also

Miss food

As surprising as that thought might be to yourself it does come around more often then you’d think

It’s draining
When you have to make up an excuse to not eat tonight’s dinner
and feeling like a horrible person for throwing out the food your mother made and saved just for you when she isn’t looking
Or getting out of plans with friends for the fear of them getting hungry
Which you know they will

I hope one day I can be as happy and confident with myself like the girl that sits on the far end left side of my 1st class of the day but today is not that day

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