Ana

 

 
 
Your presence shook
Me when I slept,
A hit so hard
I woke shaking and wept.
 
Hands slice the air
Til they reach my hips.
Sat and down I stare,
Making sure the pants
Still do not fit.
 
Tracing with my finger tips;
The concave of my stomach
Rib to rib, hip to hip.
My fingers climb my bones
Like a summit.
 
You grab and tug
me by my 
 
fat.
                                         (The pale, chilled skin 
                                          That tightly hug her bones
                                          As Ana watches and grin.)
Out of my blankets knelt
Beside my bed.
Arms reached under it
Searching for control,
Assurance
 
My fingers felt
The ice cold edge
Of the scale.
I pulled it out
And stepped on 
With closed eyes
Surrounded by dark circles.
 
I was captured by surprise
When you stopped being so shy,
And showed yourself
In the number,
But you still mumbled
 
Fat.
 
Although, I lost a pound.
I stared at my reflection
 in the mirror,
Why am I doing this to myself?
 
I took a deep breath
Then plenty
More, tried to relax.
Wiped the tears
"I haven't gained twenty."
 
Returned the scale to
Where it hides
Away from "How could you?"
And all the whys.
Where it lies
When I lie
And make excuses.
 
"I'm eating at my friends,"
I tell my mom.
"I already ate,"
I tell my friend.
 
"I'm a vegetarian,"
I tell my friend's mom.
"I'm allergic to that,"
I tell them again.
 
"I'm sick,"
I say when it all comes up.
My sick
obsession overflowing from me.
 
I put everything to waste.
Despised the pleasure of taste
For the sake of a thin waist.
Throwing away food and
Necessities that were unused 
For that time of month,
 
Because Mother Nature isn't the girl,
Making my stomach cramp anymore. 
Infertility's a possibility
But I guess that's okay...
Pregnancy makes you fat anyways.
 
It certainly wasn't her
Pulling out my hair 
In my showers.
Enough to clog the drain
When it falls
Along with the memory 
From my brain,
All washed away.
 
Ice cold water only to burn twice
As many calories from my body 
While it tries
To keep a normal temp.
 
Constanly feeling knotty
But when I try to rub the spot,
There's nothing really there
Except for a lot
Of black and blue everywhere
Because anything I do
Results in a bruise from you.
 
And my head always pounds 
More weight than I.
You yell and make sounds,
Fat
Until I break down and cry.
 
Taste as though I've swallowed Drain-O
When I puke up calories 
Like they've poisoned me,
Yet they're the only thing 
Keeping me
Alive anymore hardly,
And it feels like I'm dying.
 
It started happening
When you greeted me.
Had me hooked
With broken promises of
Perfection,
and
control. 
 
Lent me your hand.
                                                  (Pulled her down.)
You've become my best friend.
 
Ana.
 
Looked in the mirror again,
You were in my face.
I retreated to my bed
But it's like you chased
Me to it.
 
Cause when I got there,
You were already in it.
Haunting me with your presence,
You made my heart race.
 
One monster under my bed,
And the other 
In my head.
No escape.
                                                  (Yet.)
But I was not looking for the exit.
I was looking for the finish line
To the race to perfection.
Anyway,
I dig deeper,
Into the hole.
 
With each trip to the bathroom,
Every extra mile.
I ran while spent,
Sick, and through rain or snow.
You guessed it, with still,
No sweater to ensure I rid
The most calories that I did.
 
With every pretty pill,
And bottle of diet coke.
Chemicals over calories 
For this pig.
 
You help me dig.
The holes gotten deeper.
I can almost hear angels sing,
No,
It's just you
Ana.
Making me cringe.
 
Before you my heart only fluttered
When I talked to a cute boy,
Got nervous and stuttered.
Now it beats uneven
And I know you're the reason.
 
But I've ignored
The knocks on the doors
When my finger's down my throat,
Covered in saliva and puke.
Nothing beautiful about this girl
They say walks like she floats.
 
And I've ignored
The times I've fainted,
The fact that I can't remember
Anything before December, 2010.
I only know what's painted
By our family's pen
and pictures.
 
And I've tried not to notice 
The pains in my chest,
Dull breaking nails,
And aching bones.
Because if I confessed 
They wouldn't leave me and you
Alone.
 
They've watched me shrink,
But don't know what to think.
When asking me to eat,
Our eyes meet
And I wonder if they see you,
Ana.
 
They're all against me;
Family, teachers, friends.
They want to see,
Watch me spiral into morbid obesity.
That's why they ask,
To turn me into trash.
 
But I've worked too hard,
Starved too long,
Played this game too well,
To show my cards.
Let them dissect my shell.
I let them think they're wrong.
 
But wait,
Stab.
In my chest,
Heart beating slower.
Pulse and blood pressure lower.
 
Like the time at CVS
When we each took the test.
We joked comparing me to a ghost
And said it must've broke,
Cause the machine said
I should be dead.
 
Even then I didn't stop.
                                          (Couldn't stop.)
A warning so clear.
 
As I'm lying in bed 
Feeling my heart drop
Lower into the fat 
Of my empty stomach,
No energy left 
To keep a beat,
 
Overworked,
Worn away muscle mass,
 You give my body another shake.
The best friend I gave everything
But you're the one
That caused me to break.
 
I try to deeply inhale
But the pain in my weakening chest
Makes me feel
I know this is the last breath I'll take
 
Suddenly I think I see
My family
In front of me
They kiss and hug 
Say goodbye,
Because they see the tug
You grabbing me 
Pulling me by your side
 
We've dug the hole
Six feet deep
But you won't join me as I lay
Because this is the price only I pay
                                               (And her family and friends)
Before you close my eyes
I see the truth
Behind your lies
Promises of
Perfection, 
And
Control.
 
Only image left 
A replay from earlier
In that same day
My mom asking me 
About what I ate 
 
I know she cares
But I give her an evil glare
Feeding her sass
Making her feel bad she asked
 
Now,
My eyes close.
A deep sleep crashes
Over me like a wave
Drowning me.
Only 
Thing I hear, 
My best friend Ana laughing,
While I lay
Six feet under.
 

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