They tried to tell me

The funniest thing

That what I’ve avoided

Will be my own doom

 

They whispered so loudly

The things I fear most

And the monster inside me

Uses my illness to boast.

 

It reminds me daily

Of what I’m without

Of what I can’t reach

Of why I can’t shout.

 

‘Cause you see this monster?

And who you think is still me?

They get along quite well

With one left only a shell

 

If only your words

Could be just enough

If only your concern

Wouldn’t let my world burn

 

I don’t want to think

Don’t want to fight anymore

Maybe it’s the way that you say

You’ve heard this all before

Or maybe it’s something more

 

Despite all the warnings

Guilt trips and insults

I can’t seem to listen

Seem to take them to heart

And if I can’t be honest

With my own god damn self

Why am I still here?

 

And the monster grows louder

With each passing minute

I think I’m leaving

Fading

Giving up on today

 

Still

I’m growing more tired

I’m growing more ill

The strange sort of empty

That patience can’t fill

The system is broken

You can’t even speak out

They won’t teach you to be louder than

The ones who laughed as you ran

 

But they can only hold on for so long

So let’s make a place to belong.

 

It hurts but I can’t

And you won’t understand

But I guess that’s the price left to pay

When I can’t even say

The words

To explain the lies that I’ve woven

To say that this life isn’t chosen

But I’m frozen

And I won’t make it through the day

Without breaking;

I’m not really as tough as you say.

I wish I could send it away.

And I don’t know how I

Can get this shit through to you

Of course I don’t want to die

I wish I could scream

I wish I cared

Enough to spout some words

To speak and to know that you heard

 

I want to shout

To force it all out

Or maybe to wallow in shame

Because that is the name of the game

 

When I try to tell you

That I need some help

The words all get lost in my mouth

 

And instead of this torture

This soul-sucking horror

That I have to learn how to hide

I want to come back inside

 

And the summers are colder

Than the hell that lives

Inside this alibi

Sometimes referred to as “school.”

Of course I don’t think this is cool

            It’s just that I wish I could tell you why

But you’ll never see me cry.

 

You see, I’m calm

And sometimes I seem content

To “live” here—

But that’s not what I meant

The dent

In my dysfunction turns me

Into bland destruction

But there’s a detail I’m omitting

Something I won’t be submitting

In this story

 

It’s that the calm brings me unrest

It’s unsettling to be fine

When the days just seem to test

The last bits of my sanity

Or is this some zemblanity?

And I’m just numb to stay “alive”

Look, we could just drive

Leave this whole damn city behind

We could become anonymous

Be synonymous

To the fucked-up heroes we love

Instead of rising above

In the story of

A boy who had it all

A boy who tried to call to those

Who might not let him fall

A boy who found his end

And almost won the battle when

His heart gave out too soon

And he was just so small.