Consuming my days, and

Filling the nights

With a special blend of dread

 

It’s a debate in my head:

I want the day to be over

I want it to never end

 

I dread the days

That follow the last

Feeling fake as they get

Or maybe not quite yet

 

Because the nights still grow longer

Ignoring the message

I’m fine if I say I am.

Right?

 

I tell them all

How I won’t fall

Until I almost believe it myself

If only I was smart

If I could just restart

 

 

Don’t you believe this smile

The one that won’t touch my blank eyes?

Don’t you trust this voice

That sounds as if it could break?

My steady hands

Only a memory

(and you know I can’t hold on to those)

 

I thought that my smile

Or maybe my eyes

Would show all the pain that I felt

But for now I just tighten my belt.

 

 The mask is slipping

The façade tipping

As my world tilts

And as the fantasy I build

Melts away they start looking

And guessing

And knowing

That something’s just not right

 

My feeble reply

The same every time

Won’t cut it for much longer

I wish I could get stronger

The hurt is fading

And I’m growing numb

It’s getting worse

It’s not even a crumb

Anymore

And I guess you know the score.

 

The cliff edge is breaking

And I’ll just keep shaking

As I watch my last hope crumble,

But still I only mumble.

 

When the months start to blur

And they all concur

When they complement the effect

Of what seems to have infected

Seeping into my bones

I’m better alone

Because then there’s no one to stop me

No one to see the

Decay in progress

No one to care

If I should regress

And wilt

Surrounded by the guilt

 

I’m waiting here

But please don’t fear

For my well being

Because believe me

I think that I’ll be just fine

But this body is growing tired

My brain just isn’t quite wired

To put up with this kind of war

Is that what this is all for?

 

The days can blend

As the road will bend

And twist before we notice

Forget the freaking lotus

There’s no hope left here to float us

Along the river

So I shiver

Unaccepting of my fate

But is it up for debate?

 

The details tend to slip

As the guilt just fucking builds

One day it may swallow me whole

 

But for now, I pretend I’m just “full”