Wasting Away
Location
2002. I’m seven years old and scared as hell
To make a sound
I start to weep and plead with her
Please, please not Emily
A sick smile is carved on her face as
She thrusts herself onto my innocent, child body
My brain is racing with overwhelming fear
And I’m filled to the brim
With blood-curdling, silent
Screams
This is my fault
I am dirty, ruined and need to disappear
2007. Beautiful, seductive, enchanting and elusive
You start with a gentle kiss
Tempted with tricks and captivated with illusion
I’m fooled into blind devotion
You give me power,
A reason to breathe
A little less food, a little less freedom
But I’m FINE.
It’s worth it.
Push harder.
2008. I step up and the sacred number is revealed
For a moment my past loses strength
You plaster a twisted grin on my face
And my sight is warped
Flash to March 3, a cold, gloomy day
He loses his cool
Again.
I feel his disgust with every shaming word
The blood in my veins is boiling
So I hold my breath and keep it in
You make way for my descent
Numbing with food or the lack thereof
It’s a thrill
To flush away my soul
You feed off of me as I feed off of hunger
You deplete me from the safety of even
My own mind
My vision shifting still, as you consume me
With this fog
Thriving off being
Completely,
Hopelessly
Empty
You chew up my fear, devour my despair
And then puke it up in my face
Until I loathe every fiber of my being
I am not enough.
I will never be enough.
2010. Each day you force me to do the unthinkable
Without a speck of remorse
A microscopic piece of me knows this is crazy
I deserve this. I deserve this.
I CAN’T STOP deserving this.
Hunched over, spewing out mind, body and soul
Into that too familiar white prison
Just a little longer now, worshipping
You, my ultimate betrayer
Flirting with the angel of death
2012. I’m aching, throbbing, mutilated
I feel the white hot pulse, irregular
Tugging at cords with the slightest move
Constant beeps in the distance
Familiar pain forced with each swallow
A parasite shoved up my nose and down my throat
This is all thanks to you
I hear the Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
And another robot smiles
2014. I’m drowning in blood and vomit
All I can hear is the
Ringing in my ears and the
Water splashing
My vision goes
BLACK
And a sharp pain rattles in my brain
Stumbling up, I grip the countertop and
Stare into hollow, dark eyes
I see my heart through grey skin,
Desperately fighting to beat
Tears spill from the caves in my face for
The first time in too long
And I realize how real this is
How real you are
2015. For twelve years you’ve desensitized me
Seared me with scars
Seduced me with suicide
You robbed me from reality and
Used me like an object
Still today I’m tortured with insanity
Still today I’m threatened with lies
Still today I look in the mirror, repulsed by the
Horrific reflection
As my body morphs into a state that brings back
Those fucking memories.
And you sit back and laugh.