You're Not Skinny Enough

anorexia and bulimia became my entire life for 4 solid, miserable years. every month i’d stop eatting till they took me to the hospital, then when i got home, i’d do it again. every month i’d drop around 10 pounds, some months i’d drop 20. at 5 foot 5, when my weight dipped below 95 they decided i had an issue. i was put in the hospital and the first thing i did was complete a 100 question survey. simple questions about my sleeping patterns, my depression, hurting myself, suicidal thoughts, and of course, my eating habits. when these questions about food came around, i got very uncomfortable, but the nurses didn’t really seem to notice. they asked me if i knew why i was in the hospital. i said no. they tried to explain that i had an eating disorder and wasn’t getting enough nutrients. they obviously didn’t understand. i told them i’d had an eating problem since the age of 12 and that if i wasn’t brought in earlier, there’s no reason for me to be here now. do you know what they told me? they said, and i quote, “you weren’t skinny enough”. this is a doctor we’re talking about. a fucking doctor with a fucking PhD told me this bullshit. i realized then that i knew more about eating disorders than the doctors did because they are not something you can just learn about and understand them. you have to experience it to understand it. anorexia is about the way to see yourself. anorexia is body dysmorphia. anorexia is not a weight or a number. anorexia is not being able to look at an item of food without the number of calories immediately popping into your mind. anorexia is voices in your head constantly telling you not to eat, constantly telling you how fat and pathetic you are. it is a mind crushing, body crippling disorder and will fucking ruin your life and don’t you dare tell me it’s just a number. because some cancers have a higher survival rate than eating disorders. because there’s more people with eating disorders than people with green eyes. because eating disorders have the highest mortality rate out of any psychiatric illness, largely due to heart failure and suicide. it’s not a fucking lifestyle, it’s not ‘a diet’, it’s not ‘just a phase’ and it’s abso-fuckin-lutely not just a weight measurement. 

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