I have lost weight since I was in fifth grade
and I know this because I have tracked my weight,
watching it go up and down,
like a child on a Carousel.
I am only a freshman in High School,
so most people believe that by now I should be able to
look at myself in the mirror
"God, I have gotten so thin!"
and feel happy that I don't look like the girl I did four years ago.
But the truth is, I can hardly look at myself, even when I see
my reflection in the pots and pans as I put them away,
without wanting to hide my face with a bag that reminds me
of the way I used to feel in fifth grade;
empty, flimsy, just boring and ugly.
I still look at myself as the fat girl in fifth grade.
She never goes away.
While I believe I'm still that fat girl,
the tall, pretty, and thin girls taunts me at the back of my throat,
yelling, "You'll never catch me!"
And I think if I can just reach back there and grab her
tiny, perfect waist,
I can infact catch her.
But once I think of catching her,
I remember sitting at the doctor's office,
reading a magazine about eating disorders
about how a side effect of
is rotting, ruined teeth.
So for a whole week,
I let the perfect girl taunt and tease me,
as I let nothing get past her.
I try to see if I can piss her off by doing something about it,
try working out before bed,
hoping I'll be a little thinner the next morning.
But instead she fights back and makes it impossble to stand up after
forty or fifty sit ups.
I realize I may have a problem, but talking to my friend
as she looked me up and down,
she tells me,
"That's not enough for an eating disorder."