Eating Disorder
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My mother always said she liked that dress.
She said I looked pretty in pink.
I don’t really like pink,
Or dresses,
Or hair,
Or my smile,
mirror mirror on the wall
tell me if i've gotten prettier at all.
don't tell me try harder, starve, carve.
mirror mirror on the wall
why is it so hard to stay so small?
i've done all you told me to do
Too fat, too skinny, too linky, too thick (quit) , Too fat, too skinny, too linky, too thick (average) ,
My body is mountains disguised in flesh
Fields of grain waving in the breeze
My body is plateaus and canyons
And every hill you’ve ever climbed
I remember
I remember when I could just eat
Eat because I was hungry
Eat because I just wanted to
Because that cookie just looked delicious
Taking a bite and feel happy
Yeah, I remember
I remember
I remember when I could just eat
Eat because I was hungry
Eat because I just wanted to
Because that cookie just looked delicious
Taking a bite and feel happy
Yeah, I remember
Do you remover the first time you saw a plus sized man in a movie?
On TV?
In your local theater show?
What did he look like?
Did he smile?
Did he laugh so full his tummy shook?
I keep them in my little box of altoids. on the second shelf in a wooden decoration I made last time I was stuck
people broke my soul so I chose to cut the parts they didn't like
Telling me it's not a piece of cake
No it's not, it's life, it's time, it's a waste
Spending my time hearing them say
It's not a piece of cake
It's not a piece of cake
It's not a piece of cake
No one said that this was going to be easy, but it is something that you know you have to do,
And when you first embark on this journey it can be difficult because you do not have a clue.
Decorative
Shiny
Locked Away
Too Delicate To Use
But Look How Pretty It Is In Your China Cabinet
But How Often Do You Look In Your Own China Cabinet?
When you let him in
You relax in the warmth of his smile
You don't see the pointed teeth
Or maybe you choose to ignore it
It really is hard to say
When he sits on your sofa
He leans forward toward you
To some people you are a threat. Much like the color jet black. When paired with the perfect flawless color white, the applause is never ending.
Break me down to flesh
Tear every string of meat from my bones
Grit your teeth through the fat
Savour every bit of muscle
I've made myself as digestible as I can
Eat all the best cuts from my battered corpse
i'm sorry I feel like dying somedays
i'm sorry that most days i want to be alone
so i shut down and i don't answer you
and i don't want to watch shows with you
and i don't want to talk
This Kid
I look out the window and see blue sky
Picking up bugs and chasing butterflies
The days are long with play, naps and laughing
This kid is just beginning
My life changed when I forced puke up my throat
When it was 80 degrees and I still wore a coat
When I would starve myself until I couldn't move
I was so close to death and had no clue
Some of you may say I'm a nutter
My tongue is smothered with peanut butter
Like a newly-shined shoe, no area is left untouched
However, this coating should have stayed in my lunch
Stop counting those calories, storm. You look fine.
I know, and I've got it under control.
Eat your food. You're scaring me.
I've got it under control.
If you can, try to eat twice a day.
The dwindling down of supper.
Lead me to believe malnutrition was the cause.
I drank more water.
Forgot my pills.
Consumed myself with my work.
i miss having someone to talk to.
you make me feel like a poem.
it’s subtle, sharp around the edges,
but only because it keeps me safe.
She carries three rocks in her pocket
One is the peble that lead her to a mountain
One is the lump that formed in her throat
One is the boulder of silence that sat still in your mouth
These rocks are heavy
The person I hate, someone I blame: myself.
Devoid of meaning or direction. Moving in circles
Blindly searching for the destination. I’m a bookshelf
Without books. Incomplete. Lonely.
clenching stomach shaking bones watery eyes runny nose weak knees sore throat all beautiful gifts an addiction bulimia
I met a girl once,
whose hair absorbed sunlight and face repelled it.
She said she was allergic to daisies and fireworks,
armpit fat and turmeric
im not enough for you
i dont have a butt
i dont have boobs
i dont have a skinny waist
i dont eat enough food
i dont put enough effort in my looks
im not smart enough and i dont read a lot of books
IT GETS BETTER.
It seems like such a cliche.
Honestly, I know how it sounds,
and how those words make you feel:
annoyed, devalued, misunderstood.
It seems like a lie,
it feels impossible,
What am I?
a balloon, stretched taut
over a fauct and filled
til bulging then filled
and filled some more
Like a teddy bear, stuffed
with cotton until the seams
burst
I measured each spoonful of Mexican cheese
and sprinkled it, like a surgeon, over a bubbling omelette
Next was the avocado, sliced in smooth crescents
of green because that's the good kind of fat,
the best part of the norovirus
is that while it robs you of your breath,
leaves you sweat-shaking with hot chills in bed
it also steals your appetite
finally,
to be empty by no willpower of my own
I have always been the small girl. The short girl ,the skinny girl, the I can wrap my fingers around her wrist girl. The eat a cheeseburger girl.
Have you noticed?
Have you noticed how I’m chewing gum again?
How apples have become my favorite food again?
That I can’t sit down because of the bruises again?
I am trapped
inside my body
the shell of a girl who cries at the thought
of breakfast, lunch and dinner
or the days when I say "fuck it"
and eat how I should
just to be punished by someone screaming
Dear ED,
How you made me feel like Eve,
at the early age of 13.
Taking me to the Garden of Eden,
just by opening up that one Teen Vogue magazine.
Dear ED,
or should I call you by your real name?
Anorexia.
Oh, how far we go back.
I have written this letter in my head hundreds of times to you
but I've never had the guts...
(Ha! the irony)
Dear Ana,
I know,
I know I failed,
I know I should have done better.
I know, I know, I know.
I’ll find you one day, I promise.
I almost had you, but I let go.
I let them take you away from me.
Dear Eating Disorder,
I loved you, with every inch of my pudgy body.
When I began to lose my mind, you told me to lose weight.
You held my life together.
Dear Eating Disorder,
I loved you, with every inch of my pudgy body.
When I began to lose my mind, you told me to lose weight.
You held my life together.
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
to You--
if You look out onto that manhattan skyline
and You imagined that You
You were God,
gliding
I'm tired of your twisted ways,
How you've occupied too many of my days,
You're cruel, vicious, and like to ruin lives
You don't care who dies or survives.
I've been in your grasp for eight long years
To a Certain Skeletal Sickness
Dear Ana, you know your devastation on me.
When you take a physical part away, you also steal my soul
Dear Poetry,
Thank you for always being there.
I mean, I'd be worried if you ran away from me
Black scribbles flying off the page making me double check my prescriptions
Dear Those Who Think My Life is Perfect,
I go to sleep at night with one thing on my mind,
what if I'm not good enough?
What if I wake up tomorrow,
and no one likes me anymore?
Roses are red.
The numbers are loud as they dance through my head
Violets are blue.
People want me to eat, but if only they knew
Sugar is sweet.
Food causes me feelings of pain and defeat
we are monsters together,
huddled under the bed
of our childhood selves,
keeping each other warm
when there is nothing to eat
but nightmares.
As easily as a pretty girl can go for a jog
I can go for the fridge
And as easily as a skinny girl can slip into a pair of knee high socks
I can slip into depression
And as easily as I can stay up until two am
My collorbones like handles poking through my skin
The rungs of a ladder to pull me out and set me free
And when I pull to climb out of this wretched body
I feel instead myself crumble and fold within
Last year I was a skeleton
no muscles,
just skin and bone.
I was pale and sick
But the help wasn’t enough.
I went to the hospital
heart almost stopped.
Moved to Denver
After years of starving myself to be thin,
Rewarding myself when I ate far too little,
And forcing myself to vomit if I ate “too much”,
Obsessively counting calories,
having an eating disorder means wanting everyone to know and no one to ask
it means accidentally leaving your lunch at home and proudly telling friends no thanks when they offer to share
they never saw the real me
the one i hid away in my closet
buried with the things i hid from society
tied her up and taped over her mouth so no one would hear her scream
i remember being happy
Tuck in the shirt and tighten the belt, it'll help you look smaller.
Tighten the apron.
Eat breakfast because it should be the only big meal you have today.
I wonder if they think I'm beautiful?
You make sarcastic jokes and laugh a lot,
as if we don't know that something is wrong.
We watch you fade beneath a
thinning frame.
We avert our eyes when your sleeves
fall back.
Everyday girls stand on the scales, and cry.
They look in the mirror and cry.
They look at themselves, see themselves as fat
when they are fading away to skin and bone.
I try, I really do
But it never seems enough
It plagues my mind, Day and night
The voice just won’t shut up.
I constantly want more
But at the same time, want less
I am angry
I am angry at the word Society
I am angry that people still think Anorexia is just for girls
and I am angry at the term "Pro Ana."
Do you want to know what lurks in the deep?
Beneath my bare skin and white teeth
Sitting deep within the bones
Screaming, aching, and groaning.
In the endless pit within my mind
The voices echoing…
pain. when you're in pain for much of your day, you'd do anything to rid it away, but you cant. all you do is sleep and pant. when you've given up on such, just to sit in the muck an drown.
America
Where they say to be yourself
But "yourself" should be beautiful
So you make Yourself
Only you know you will never compete
With the image on the screen
Or the perfect aesthetic squares
The first time I heard of anorexia
I was eleven years old.
A girl in my class had passed out in the lunch line because she was starving herself.
The ironic thing was,
She was about to buy an ice cream desert.
Home is a warzone
Find broken dreams and venom insults from lovers thrown
Like ammunition.
For years, fight merely for recognition.
Live in deliberate malnutrition.
There are countless lies that all lead to the same destination- a voiceless being imprisoned to a shouting mind. The lie “you are stupid” keeps the shy kid from raising his hand in class.
I feel my heart is racing
my mind is constantly chasing
yet here I am just spacing
desperately embracing
rapidly effacing
i'm falling and displacing
She's silhouetted against a stark nothing.
You can see where the tear rolls down her cheek
And the skin clings to her bones as she bends down.
She's starving herself.
She doesn't realize she's in pain.
look down
up
not good enough
your thighs too flabby
stomach always overstuffed
an apple for lunch
see it's not so tough
good
don’t you feel better now?
look down
Golden hair on brown skin--unPalatable.
Unfilled eyebrows, sparse as this country's humanity--indolEnt
Fierce disease causes cruel brusing on body--compLains she has bed bugs.
You avoid food all day long…
Maybe just one slice of pizza.
As you chew, the calories accumulate at the bottom of your throat.
You’re in public...but it can’t wait.
A year ago today
The end of October
A happy girl stood on a scale and saw the number had dropped
Joy filled her!
Soon she had to buy all new jeans because all of hers were to big
Size 8! Isn't that great!
One hundred and thirty poundsNot of flesh, or blood, or organs I speakBut of absence, of perfection, of all that I seek
The reflection
wants me to die.
The reflection
wants me to starve.
The Reflection
wants to be loved.
The Reflection
wants to change.
The reflection
wants to be changed.
My owner wants me to play catch
So he keeps throwing his pretty frisbee my way
The frisbee may be pretty, but I want to chase my tail
What? No
I want to feel unchained
What? No
I want to breathe free
What? No
This isn't fair
I want to live
I want to care
Please don't do this again
silent breaking, day by day
against my will, I run away
afraid of those I used to trust
one breath away from giving up
Hope seems but a vague memory
I mold shapes into
sounds, visions, concepts, phantoms
with that intimate touch
of the soul kneading words.
I began with bulky building blocks
under the guidence of a sixth grade teacher.
I am 14 and I am sinking to the bathroom floor for the third time this week.
I read all the instructions,
Filled out all the forms,
But still I have fallen behind.
I never speak up in class,
It's okay little girl it'll be alright,One day those bullies won't make you cry.It's okay little girl it'll be alright,One day those rumors won't fly in the sky.It's okay little girl it'll be alright,Your mom'll always be there to hold you tight.I
There's this thing called beauty. It's something you were taught when you were youngerand your mother, or your father, or your grandmother would say"you're beautiful."And you believed them.
When I was young I hated the summer
Sweat, tight clothes, overflowing out of stiff shorts
Sucking in, holding my breath
Standing up stiff and straight- I couldn't wait to be underwater
Where no one could see me
It started innocently in high school
Entering those broad double doors
Gazing at the slender and sleek girls
Wishing I could be one of them
I was content with what I had
Until I got those looks of
Before you date somebody with amental illness, you must rememberthat calling them beautiful willnot adjust their brain's chemicallevels. Sweet words do not reversesickness that plagues the mind
The need to be skinnyThe hatred of your own bodyThigh gapCollar bonesHip bonesOur society has createdaskinny love.
anorexia and bulimia became my entire life for 4 solid, miserable years. every month i’d stop eatting till they took me to the hospital, then when i got home, i’d do it again. every month i’d drop around 10 pounds, some months i’d drop 20.
1
2
3
4
5
6
at 6 I learned that marriage can't end well and that families can't be happy
7
at 7 I knew things that I shouldn't have. 7 I wrote stories about death and sex and murder.
There’s no glamour in it.
No flashing lights
lighting up the reflection in the tears
of her eyes.
Just purple circles
from sleepless nights
Shrinking wrists grow back
Like dread of death after a long remission.
Like moons they wax and wane.
Full figure dwindlling into nothing
into a crescent eerie smile,
and I, silent observer,
It eats away at me
It is my arms
It is my tree trunk legs
I can hear my lips smack together
I keep eating
“you are what you eat.”
an english proverb - if you eat well, you will be well; but if you eat badly you will feel bad.
i used to eat icing behind the couch, shovel it into my mouth like the dirt i played with outside.
i’m seven and alive, and i...
The more fat-filled shit you shovel in your pie-hole, the less it hurts.
Shove it all down your throat until you can hold no more.
Feel the warmth of your filled stomach.
It expands farther than normal.
I am more than my past.
I am not the things my abuser told me I was.
I am strong.
I am not imperfect.
I am like a stained glass window,
My broken peices make me beautiful.
Nothing left
Pains of hunger
Water and gum
Leaving
No effort
"Yes I did"
"No I'm lying"
Why can't I
Live without food
Everyday
No time left
to hope for
This one goes out to all my kids, my teens, my peers
All of you who've found yourselves bruised, abused, misused, unable to choose
The life you deserve to live; all the while you give, forgive, just try to live
It was a matter of time before I was aware of what was happening
But I would agree
I was oblivious to the obvious
Death was catching up to me
It was a state of denial
That the way I operated
A girl of just fourteen
Decides to go lean
Little by little stop the meals
Skip the breakfast
Take the heel
A moment on the lips
A lifetime on the hips
A year passes
She's underweight
My arms have gotten fat and weak
My thighs are soft and plush
The weight I gained is in my cheek
My stomach feels like mush
My former self ws thin and weak
Although I thought her strong
Photos of perfect people #Filter
Photos of perfect bodies #Filter
Photos of perfect models #Filter
I do no think these photos embody
the beauty of a sleepy smile, or the yawn of somebody you love
I have an addition problem, I must admit.
1 means one more, and 2 is spelled t-e-n.
30 is basically twenty-nine,
And anymore feels like shit.
But this is not a decrypting test,
“It’s all in your head.”
“Chemical imbalance. You just have to deal with it.”
“You’re just looking for attention.”
The heat escapes your "perfect" body.
The bruises on your tailbone green.
The hunger pains bring satisfaction.
A skeleton too early for Halloween.
Eyes hold lies
Ears hold lies
It is not only the mouth that holds lies
Whatever you're seeing is wrong, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
Whatever you're hearing is wrong, YOU'RE WORTHY
I stay the same underneath,
What my selfie seems to be.
Whether on or offline
My smile stays the same.
I am the player,
And Instagram's the game.
Underneath the clothes and shining light.
Clean?
Clean, clean, clean...
clean...
one more time...
just one more...
twice more...
thirce more...
I swear I'll stop...
soap, water
scrub, scrub, scrub
hot, scaulding
She may not be the very definition of beauty but her self-restrained chaos unravels all connotations of the word.
She’s more than a number, more than a status.
In a world of never ending can’ts, won’ts, shouldn’ts,
I dreamt that I was witnessing a war
Not in full action
But of its ancient history
Looking at the artifacts of someone else's life
Wondering who'd they'd been
Where they'd walked
Dreams that compose an ever-so-distant me
Wrap around in a cloak of contingency
Mirrored walls guard my heart
Deflecting and rejecting all chances of happy
Little girl stood strong and free,
With her head held high,
And her eye in the sky,
But little girl is different from you and me.
Little girl used to run and play,
She had friends by her side,
No secrets would she hide,
But soon little girl began...
You are enough
You are enough
You are so enough,
You have no idea how enough YOU are.
You are the light in my darkness.
You are the happiness behind your mom's eyes.
Can you imagine the frustration
The frustration of your own ignorance
and
complacency
But you are made to think that
it is everyone else's fault?
You can't solve your problem
There's a home in my head
Less of a house, more of a shack
It has me pounding on the walls
Knuckles and plaster start to crack
And as I'm bleeding from my hands
At the hand of your words
When I was six my grandma said “a second slice of cake? You’re getting so big”
Because a six year old wanting more cake is apparently unheard of
When I was 13 my brother greeted me with “hey ugly” every time I came home
I stand in front of my worst enemy, the mirrorI stare at my 5 foot 7 large frame body and I begin to cry
It feels like stones no matter what I put in
The hardness makes my stomach groan in pain
The echoing of the fall audible from the outside
I can eat old favourites or new worsts but it ends the same
God help me.
Give me a hand.
help me out.
im drowning in your presence,
but it is evil that reaches his hand out to help.
to pull me out of these rising waters.
The Other Me
Happiness
(adjective)
Feeling pleasure or joy
It’s the perky energetic kid that has
I know how it feels.
To hate the food you put in your mouth.
So why not go without?
A day?
Barely eat anything?
Not a problem.
Because you can use it.
They don’t teach you not to be small.I’ve been in a million classrooms that teach us not to get too big and make sure we exercise enough.Never have I heard, “Don’t get too small.”
Plaster walls,full of cracksbreaking in.Press my backagainst the door…Falling through the floor.Mirror, mirror that I see,Mirror, dear, do you love me?Hunger bites,claws my skin.
How many cuts and bruises authority figures can ignore
For the sake of pretending so it's not on their shoulders;
Denying a problem that's clearly there with phrases to cover, such as:
Toughen up, don't tattle.
In the mirror is not your reflection,
But instead the trader within.
She looks at you in disgust,
Knowing that she’ll win.
Poking at your curves,
Pinching at your skin.
I'm not afraid to admit
I know nothing at all
Even though these memories
Just left broken scars
I gave you a second chance
And you just through it away
I gave you everything you wanted
They called her names
They laughed as she cried
They pretended to be friends with her
They filled her head with lies
She believed their words
She took it to heart
Girl stands alone in her bathroompleading for solace.Eyes lock on the mirror,the reflection of a girl with possibilities a mere stain.She is there,she exists,in every corner that Girl turns.
Skinny is a six letter word that haunts me at night.
Skinny is perfection, at least that's what I've learned.
It's skin and bones; no skin to pinch.
Fat is a three letter word that I see in the mirror.
Skinny psycho
they call me
but they dont know
I'm falling
With all I have to show
They say I'm too thin
I'm losing too many pounds
My girlfriends and I were in the gym.I lifted five pound dumbbells. They went on the most intense machinesat the highest speeds.Sweat poured out of their pores
All life does is spin and spin.
The constant motion, the endless attempts-
To be Noticed,
To be Felt,
To be Alive and Free.
Fitting in with all the rest,
There's nothing strange seen by her friends.
But they don't see what she seeks to hide -
Loneliness fills her up inside,
Invisible to waking eye.
We all knew her
before her mind took her under
under a spell know one is sure
no cure
It happened so fast
a spiraling of events
I imagine the grief
they must have
in their souls
She was a poet
Like no other
Her pencil wrote
A simple letter
If she's rough
The paper tears
A moan escapes
Of self aware
A gruesome dream
Filled with tears
Time is none
Picture this:There are two mason jars on the counternext to the cash register of your localconvenience store. One says: “Johnnyhas been diagnosed with stage 1 cancer”,and the other says, “Please, help!
This isn't something you ask for,
This wasn't something I chose
For the monster that tricked me,
Was as alluring as a rose.
I didn't realize my portions,
Began to drastically shrink,
From the very first breath at fresh life she wasn't there.
It didn't occur until I relapsed that I was eight when she came back.
And they told me to love her even though she left me for the boys.
In fifth gradeI ate rotten meatbecause a ten year oldcannot hate themselves.
In sixth grademy dad left for the sixthand the final timeand I started blacking outfrom trying to hunt him down
Look at me.
What do you see?
Just a girl,
Pretty and
Skinny and
Thin as can be.
I get a rush as my
anxious fingers
feel across my body,
and I feel bones,
She looks up from the porcelain sink to see the reflection of a girl. Her face is drained of color and her lips tremble.
The sun rises, I wake up,
the dread sets in.
The voices swirl, I push them down
deeper, deeper, til they are just a wind
blowing back my hair that everyone tells me
is so beautiful.
Mocking mirrors here and therealways relishing my despair.Never ceasing in their testimonyuntil I miraculously become bony.
He used to tell me that I wasn't good enough. He used to hurt me, but on the outside I just played along. I never looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. I put scars on my skin, like he etched on my heart.
The doctors continuously rave
about the improvement
I have supposedley made
but somewhere deep down inside
I am aware that
in the end I cant be saved.
To them
I have only been
It is not that I love death more,
but that I love myself less.
This eating disorder is becoming a chore.
It is something lodged in my chest.
It's not that I love food less,
I can feel it returning,
slowly working its way back into my system;
the depression.
Shes controled by a skinny waist, a empty stomach and an acid taste. Sit back and watch closly, as that beautiful soul goes to waste. Keep up with the fast pase, another skipped lunch and a hunch to move paranoia in it's place.
The Monster
was
ruthless
lied
didnt care
or did it?
it said it did
said it was my friend
my only friend
said my family hated me
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
Chains
Chains
clinking metal frozen
wrists bound
reaching for freedom
no key to set me free
or strength to uncuff
Forever engaged to silence
getting through day by day
smiling and laughing
pretending your okay
"Im fine" or my favorite "I already ate"
she pretended to happy
but all that was fake
The butterflies swarm inside my head,My mind decides to tell them everything I've said.Fluttering, moving, spacing out,They come from all directions to have no doubts.Peaking and peering inside my mind,
Hips, ribs, and collar bones;
Never hurt by sticks or stones.
Words made you this way.
"I can't stand myself!" you say.
You think they're right,
You think you're wrong.
"Keep it up,"
There are just something you cannot fix
Trust me, I know
I used to write letters to a girl who had slits on her wrist
To say the least, she was sadistic
She was sad and had a sickness
She'll tell you:
You're ugly and fat.
and guess what-
You'll always believe her.
Make a slice on each armDon't worry it won't do much harmSkips a few mealsIt's not that big of a deal Take a bottle of pillsAnd watch your body lye stillPut a bullet in your headAnd watch the blood pool on the bed
Count the calories, count the pounds,
the less you have the smaller you are.
Collarbones, tiny waist,
beauty is deeper than just your flesh.
Struggling with yourself,
fighting the demons in your mind.
Follow me my dearest one
Allow me to show the way to perfection.
Lay your head in my hands
For I’m about to give an explanation.
You are fat my love.
A waste of total and complete space
curled up i sat in a bleached
hospital bed
frightened like never before
listening to the doctor
tell a nine year old girl that she had
Just one more
one more bite
Just one more
one more bite
and one more
and one more
NO more
Stop it! I can't hold anymore!
Let me be!
I look in the mirror and what do I see? The beautiful girl God created me to be. But just wait a second, it wasn’t always that way. Rewind 16 years, and that’s not what I would say. As just a little girl, I grew up in a crazy world. My parent
Sadness took over my body,
Seeping down into my bones,
I spent nights uncontrollably sobbing,
Feeling completely alone.
The sadness overpowered me,
To the point where I couldn't leave my bed,
I almost made it through the year unscathed.Life's funny that way.Had me thinking things were all good,but the impending stormknew better.
Ribcage
Open your ribcage
To try and see the thing inside
That threatens to drag you under
The hunger causes it
It eats away at you
Gives you dead eyes
And fuzzy thoughts
My secret is worthy. To be guarded like the keep of one-hundred dragons. It lies inside a rotted chest, crueal and wicked and warped though I mean to hide it well beneath its translucent wood. What must be kept I cannot keep.
I get angry at my body for what's living in my headif I could flee my form I'd do it, and live in my soul insteadmy body has its wants, but my soul has its needs,and what my body wants leaves my disgusted soul to bleed
Your words taste like caramel in my mouth.
But words of wisdom do not exist.
Those who think the dangerous thoughts
That if,
Dribbled out,
Would indeed disturb the universe
Society has millions of images designed to represent beauty
Yet not one of those images are similar to me.
There are thousands of different body shapes and sizes
Maybe that's why I struggle when looking for clothes.
Starving my body, starving my soulI cannot tell what is my goalEat that today, eat nothing tomorrowMy mother's scale I might have to borrowCheck my weight, look towards the groundOh my God, I gained a pound
I drape over her body:shrunkencoldsevere.The cavernous spaces,like trenchesrunning downthe sides,welcome me tofilltheir voids.Like snow,I blanket her geography.
Heavy breathing.
Wrists bleeding.
Mind freeing.
Heart releasing.
Eyes tearing.
Body collapsing.
Life ending.
Everyone around me speaks casually
Of diets and calories
And bad metabolisms
I will sit
And keep my mouth shut
And bite back tears
As images of perfection
Skipping meals to get thinner than the pill I'm ingesting.
Pills I'm ingesting to prevent dry heaving are the only thing I swallow cause it's nothing like eating.
Once your skinny they can tell you how fat you used to be.
Ana and Mia
Sitting in a tree
And what do you know
Along comes Me
They trick my mind
So I see them as beautiful
And who would’ve thought
I began to fall in love
I fall fast
“Them”,” us”. “Us”, “we”.
By “them” I mean “us”, and by “us” I mean me.
But I also mean “them”.
Them, us. We, me.
The mentally ill that we be.
Her mirror belongs in a carnival, a wrong distorted image of what she looks like.
She'll try to bend herself to make that reflection look perfect.
Cut down what is eaten until it resembles the remnants of a forest.
We are the misfits.
Some of us have learning disabilities.
Some of us have social problems.
Some of us have been abused.
Some of us have depression.
Some of us are sick.
We are the misfits.
I sit on the floor as
I cry
I wonder why is this happening
I don't want a new "mom"
or "dad"
My foster parents
say they love me
I think I love them too
How can I love these people
Smiling when you feel like crying
Laughing when you feel like dying
Loving when you feel like hating
Apologizing when you've done nothing wrong
It's always the same thing
Like a repetitive song
Looking at her plate
Glancing at her thighs
No thanks, she says
Waiting to be perfect, or what she thinks is perfect.
Her scars were fading out.
The red lines in her skin disappearing.
Her skirts never came out,
and her hoodies were worn in the summer.
Bracelets hugged her wrists
and no one thought to check.
I force down another bite
Pack on another pound
My friends push me to the edge
“You’re pretty, but much to skinny.”
So I eat and eat and eat
Not because I’m hungry
But ashamed of what I’ve become
I am powerless.
Powerless to help you. To save you.
But you say you don’t want to be saved. Is it because of the power?
The power that controls you in that moment?
When the edge cuts and the blood flows
He is a boy who will never give smiles,
Save those for the blood on bathroom tiles,
A pallid gaunt face with stars in its eyes,
Leaving their tracks whenever he cries,
He does not eat, beauty is thin,
My individuality is
Locked in a little box.
My insane attempts to maintain a higher status-quo
Shoot me and throw me down a fiery hole.
What the heck am I saying?!
I’m surrounded by family and central heating in
Staring into the mirror,
a sob escapes from my lips.
A monster glares back at me,
eyes daunting,
laughing at such pain.
Seeing a distorted image,
one of disgust and fat.
Skin clinging to bone,
Always smiling, never does she have a frown
Through the good times, and the bad
She stands tall and strong
It seems like nothing can break her, nothing at all
But look deeper, look into her eyes
Have you ever thought?
The girl you called fat today in the hallway.
She is starving herself.
Even though her ribs show and she cans see the bones in her arms.
She starves herself.
Shingles she had accounted sitting for twenty-five
Holding onto nothing while her ornaments eat the dust
Frost-bitten frigid air whistling on the field
Storm-beaten rails singing water-songs
-
At the age of 1, I couldn't remember much.
I just knew, that when I turned 5 I had to be tough.
I told the teachers,I swear I did
I told them everytime I got hit in the head.
I fled crime scene no turning back not even glance
Remembering myself when given a second chance
My body, mind and soul was laid out on the floor
Then I realized this is not exactly what I wished for
I didn’t come here to script up a silly rhyme,
Putting together letters of the alphabet and creating a story produced on my own time.
I came to speak you a lullaby with all the fixings of my broken past
I was a little girl.
Choking on saliva,
Pinching at skin,
Praying it will all one day
Work out and never have to
Look in the crystal pool
With a sorrow unmatched
By the saddest of songs.
I needed a friend...
Someone
Who would always be there for me
Comfort
To keep me safe and secure
Courage
To do what I wanted to with my life
Happiness
That my body could not contain
...
You hold my tired hand
Your bright eyes crinkle into that widespread smile
Your thumb traces the tired lines of my palm
I do not know what our future holds
After all, we're seventeen
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
She who's tall and she who's thin,
She who gets a workout in
She whose thighs are far apart,
She who has an ice cold heart.
Recovery is a process and not an event
It's a struggle not to win but to find some common sense
We're stuck in a world where failure is wrong
Well, failure is a puzzle piece that completes our song
You know that thing?
The thing that nobody talks about?
Making yourself puke?
Yeah
I do that
It hurts
It burns
It destroys your teeth
But what they forget to tell you
In health class
Recovery Is Possible
That's what they keep telling me
I don't know how to believe it
When I've had this eating disorder
For almost a decade
But I know
I'm sick of it
I'm sick of the being sick
That's what someone called me yesterday
I was just walking
Alone
In the hallway at school
And the girl
The blonde one
With the long, slender legs
And the flat stomach
Ana
Anorexia
Anorexia nervosa
Ana
My friend
My best, closest friend
You're there for me
When I need you
You whip me into shape
You love me
I can tell you do
The thing about ED is
He never leaves you
Through the good
The bad
The ugly
He's there
A little wasp
Following you around
Stinging you
Every time you reach out
I eat for the wellbeing of my body
For my blood pressure
And my heart palpitations
And my hyperinsulinemia (whatever that means).
I eat for the wellbeing of my body
For my teeth
And my bones
