16 Years Later







at 6 I learned that marriage can't end well and that families can't be happy


at 7 I knew things that I shouldn't  have. 7 I wrote stories about death and sex and murder. 


at 8 I began to understand the effects of alcohol on families. 8 I sat outside my parents window and listened to them fight. 8 I found wine bottles in my stuffed animal drawers.


at 9 I thought about death way too much. not killing myself or anyone else, just death itself. I always talked about it. my friends thought it was funny. 


at 10 I sat in class with violent urges so strong I had to stand up and leave the classroom without saying a goddamn word just so that I wouldn't hurt a kid. 10 I was forced to make out with the boys in my class.


at 11 I learned alcohol tears people apart like the fission of cells.


at 12 I learned that kids can be cruel. 12 I was called names I'd never heard before. 12 I told myself I was fat for the first time. 12 I was psychologically abused by a boy and at that age I didn't even know psychological abuse even existed but man did he change my mind.


at 13 I stop eating my meals and started throwing them up. 13 I still find hope in god. 13 my youth leader told my parents about my depression. 13 I learned my brother used to be a cutter and drug addict. 13 I started therapy. 13 I spent my Friday nights at the hospital. 13 I was put in an experimental drug trial. 13 my throat learned the taste of anti depressants. 13 I made a small cut in my hip, who knew it would change my life forever 


at 14 I learn that alcoholics cannot keep promises. 14 I learned they'll check your wrists but not your hips. 14 I experienced drug induced psychosis for the first time. 14 I was hospitalized for the first time. 14 I lost 15 pounds in one week. 14 I couldn't work out without passing out. 14 I'm not allowed to keep a razor in my shower. 14 I tasted tequila. 14 my two best friends kill themselves. 14 relapse. 14 relapse. 14 relapse. 14 relapse. 14 relapse. 14 relapse. 14 I want to die. 


at 15 I pop pills daily. 15 on my birthday I wish to be dead and everybody claps. 15 my wrists are bleeding profusely. 15 I'm back in the hospital. 15 when I get back from the hospital my physics teacher stares at my shredded arm and I am sorry. 15 my friends give up on me. 15 relapse. 15 I'm clean for two weeks. 15 I'm forced to check up on my brother every ten minutes to make sure he didn't drown himself in anti depressants and liquor. 15 relapse.


at 16 I am cynical. 16 my life is cyclical. 16 i got him back. 16. I am getting better. 

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