guilt
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It's funny how the brain works,
Suddenly reminding me of the abuse I unconsciously tried to forget.
Leaving me alone with the feelings of guilt and regret.
It’s nearly 3am … why do I have such a strong presence of you on my mind. Why although hurt by you still care so much.I drive past you like we don’t have this slideshow of memories filled in our minds…
I have packed boxes in my dream
Packed stories, packed books
Packed conscience
I convince myself that I'm free
That I'm not living in a shadow between
her and him and you and me
You’d think I'd be over it by now.
I forgave him so long ago.
But how do I forgive myself?
How do I move on, when I can’t.
The halls crowd around me
As I push through bodies and backpacks
My feet fall lightly
On the dirty concrete floor
Students laugh
Students cry
Everyone is lost
In their own self-centeredness
Consume me,
Crawl into my cranium.
Clicking, crackling, creaking.
Every word comes out
Guilt’s mouth;
First a trickle then a
Look at you.
The blame is all yours.
You should have kept your mouth shut.
This is your fault.
You should have suffered in silence.
Is it worse to fall in love?
Or to try your hardest not to love anymore?
Because lately, I’ve been leaning both ways
Trying to find enough will to stay awake
What else can I give you?
When I’ve already given you the deepest parts of me?
I've given you everything
Can't you see?
I have nothing left to give you
Lyeing on a hill.With the sky still as can be.Sunshine in my eyes.I could barley even see.Thinking about all the things we could be.Wishing you would never leave.You would tell plain lies .
If I had the strength to make it through another day,
Maybe I would.
But today I'm too weak to even cry.
Trust me, I've tried.
If I had the hope that life might improve,
Maybe I'd pray.
I remember how good it felt to die.
Even more so, coming back to life.
The guilt means nothing as I watch the tears they cry,
Because for those few moments I don't have to fight.
You gave us teenage revolutionaries,
fighting against dictators
against governments
that didn’t listen
wouldn’t listen
we're both drawn to extremes,
waltzing with opposites.
it's an awe-inspiring, complicated dance.
i've never learned the steps, yet i feel like i've known them my whole life.
you pace around my mind like you don't know where you're going,
and i don't have a roadmap.
i think i'm even more lost than you are.
Romantic blood and majestic past;
Flatter the abused, give them scraps,
Or they’ll ask for respect.
Maintain a system
Of perception.
No, don’t call it oppression.
You are made of gold --
Why now do I choose to read these words aloud?
All can ask is, Was it really worth it?
Starting to see now what truly lies beneath the surface
And it makes me sick to think I’ve wasted so much time
Staple gun to my head
Pin it closed the gaps of dread
Leaving out the slips of blood
Creeping forward pools of red
Wash my hands are never clean
I’m sorry that destruction doesn’t take mercy on roses.
I’m sorry that some mistakes don’t
burn themselves out with smoke in their wake,
but rather spark and catch fire,
ravaging and burning and killing.
I’m going to tell you a story
Of a teenage girl,
Who,
Like many others her age,
Follows the same routine
Every single day.
School.
I can still feel his breath
on the back of my neck
just as humid, unwanted,
as it was
on yours.
The look in his starving eyes
A hammer shatters the mirror and blood pools in the places punctured by the mirror's shards. Maybe the blood loss will make her lighter.
140 to
135 to
104 still counting.
Upon the shores she stood,
Eyes searching the deep sea
And landing on a piece of driftwood
That bobbed where she thought dear uncle may be
Axe Murderers ... " GUILTY As Charged " ... !!!!!
They'll Now Spend Time STUCK Behind Bars .... !!!!!
But Let Me Pull Some OTHER Cards ...
From The Pack Where GUILT Is Stacked ... !!!!!
I stay up at night
why am I always in fright
I try my best to succed.
but it never goes right.
I lost someone dearest
I never stay fearless
I live in a game, taking the blame
i still don't consider myself a poet
no matter how many words that fall from the sky that aid me in meshing the feelings i feel
can protect me from the world
opinions will still eat away at my mind
My guilt is blinding me,
It tells me I could do better, but I refused
It is reminding me to think about people before me.
It is questioning my mortality It is judging my hard work.
Too much fun
as the night begun
Didnʼt think too much of it
but my mind was slightly unfit
I danced some
reminiscing, i feel dumb
Guilt blooms in my chest like an unwelcomed garden.
But luckily I chose to weed them out before they had any chance to stay and wind around my heart.
How did I get here?
Why did I stay?
I’m searching for sunshine,
But my home is the rain.
Home is the prison I don’t want to escape,
My father cries at night
like a ghost’s lonely moan
Lamenting for the helpless
behind closed doors
Reaching out
Feed your righteous ignorance,
Because you'd rather move in a thoughtless mass,
A mess of mindless thoughts to pass,
Like a hurricane void of common sense.
Than kiss the faces, those before you,
Shuck-Lily cuts herself and, by God,
I'm back in love again,
This is not my responsibility,
So why am I tending to you like an animal?
To make up for deficiencies
Lacking or discrepancies
To fix or make anew
What's broke and disagrees with you.
"But I haven't sinned!"
I hear you cry
"It went that way alone, awry!"
I wake up light-headed and I touch my pillow,
trying to put my memory back together but I just don't know
how the hell I got home last night.
I remember standing on the side of the road, my legs barely putting up a fight.
"Lucy,
Lucy,
No."
She whispers to her hands.
She cries to the company.
We stare,
curiously,
judgementally.
Today is the worst day.
I knew it would be.
My last goodbye to you
Was yesterday
And I look back
To see what I missed
A call, a text, a post
Should I have
Called you, texted, replied?
Guilt is a painful, dreadful being.
Guilt is the most powerful being of all,
He punctures million needles through your heart,
Lost in a dream of who I used to be
Shuddering to think of what they see
Adrift in the ocean drowning in shame
As waves of sorrow silence my name
My soul weathered by the guilty air
Survivor's guilt sounds
like my sister getting beat in the next room
for something I know I did.
That's the thing-- I did.
I did not. Did, did not.
I did I did I did NOTHING.
I didnt realize
What I say can hurt
I didnt realize
What I do affects everyone
I didnt realize
My sorries are Band-aids to knife holes
I didnt realize
My jugements affects more than me
She was toxic.
We were blamed
For simple things,
Like internet going out,
And traffic.
Things we couldn’t control.
She was toxic.
Manipulation was her superpower.
Always at her disposal.
Whiskey is like liquid death in a bottle.
The man is excided to see the newborn bottle of whiskey in his hands
His addiction is uncontrollable when the bottle is empty
People find that he smells of death itself
Slowly and sweetly arises my soul with a comforting, soothing fear.
A place, not a place, a man, not a man: Heaven! I'm finally here.
The guilt's gone away, tears flit to my eyes. Why do I cry in such bliss?
You are a
Worthless piece of shit
Who doesn't get a hint
Thinkin' that you repent
When all you did was reset
The time forward, expecting some respect--
Are you a fuckin' idiot?
One peron's Heaven
Can be another's Hell
And truthfully I say I hurt
I shudder
I weep
Is something wrong with me?
How unfair must it be
That I am unhappy
My mind is an ever-evolving ball of guilt and shame
Every thought twists and turns, leaps and lunges, crosses and curves
Every time I catch one two others take its place
I’m only sixteen
I always wanted to be there.
Helping with homework on a Tuesday night.
Getting to hear about your day.
Haven't got that since your mother took you away.
Not just to one town over, but next to Dover.
Dear Penelope
We have often discussed
Our least favorite feelings
I have always told you
"Sadness," while you replied
"Guilt," without hesitation
I never understood
a hammer wrecking my being.
voices shouting, blaming.
rightfully do.
shooting words like bullets.
worthless
insensitive
apathetic.
'its all your fault'.
The protectiveness in me bubbles.
One thought,
one clue,
one misunderstanding,
is enough.
A reflex,
a past,
a word.
Or many.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I miss the smell of alcohol on your breath,
The haze of smoke in the air around us,
The half smirk you always have curled up on the left side of your mouth,
It had been 90 days. She’d finally learned to leave it alone. It had gone from her mind, she’d resisted the images she let consume her, and the strange sensations she knew would hurt her.
Remembrance dark, a shadows faceA name, my name,“Jason Grey,”That name,A bitter tasteRolling off my tongueWho is he?I just don’t know
Frozen hands on the face
Echoing, echoing
Killing me without a trace
The silence, loud in my ear
What then, oh my, oh dear, oh dear
That’s it, I’m done, life’s not worth living
Long and narrow
Razor sharp
Dark and brooding
Elegant
Light and ductile
Mesmerizing
Loving, warring
Blood ‘twas spilling
Love forbidden
Emotions revealing
I WAS
A walking,
breathing,
living shadow
Never standing out in a crowd
Always behind her...second place
Shafts of light shatter the morning skyBeyond the horizon, black clouds loom Juxtaposed seriously
The effervescence of dew shines underfootThe mellifluous patter of feet Working harmoniously
Do you ever wanna cry but the tears won't come?For the fear, and the shame, and whats been done.Do you ever wanna cry but the tears are drowned?All you left with is an angry frown.
Do you think it stopped?The yearning for your fingers against heated skin?Do I look like I have lost my feminine tensions?Do you think I have forgotten what it felt like?What any of it felt like?
A constricted heart,
A lonely cry,
The broken parts,
All want to die.
A lone tear,
Falls down my cheek,
Overwhelming fear,
Makes me weak.
I shake against my binds,
It’s been three weeks
Since I’ve tasted his mouth
And two weeks
Since I’ve realized how utterly replaceable I am
22 days
There are no atheists in Foxholes
We knew that; we were summoning the fire gods
Rituals consisting of your fingers deftly tracing my thighs
And I breathing prayers into your neck
Crispy-wet cotton sheets blowing
Like sails
Under an idyllic sky
She’s wrapped in her bedding
barefoot on a concrete pad
Could tea be my new alcohol?
I would let it fool me that I am warm
I would drink it as it burned down my throat
I would let it take control
Because for awhile, a very short while
When I talk to you..
Yes, I get butterflies.
But they're not the happy, fluttery, lovey butterflies that people get...
They're more of the kind of butterflies people get when they know they're lying..
I've spent the last few months brawling with these memories that faze me to this day.
Something from within me drove me to break my character,
enabling my misery to compel my lineage to ignore,
While my heart does bleed
For new life never born
My mind does heed
The pain of a mother torn
The decision to forestall
Life's seed to full bloom
Is a powerful anguish
of hellish gloom
What mind enlightened of God
Could reconcile a forsaken entrustment...
To guardian the yet unborn?
What eye that sees by Light
Could blind itself this darkest deed?
In eighth grade, we had Science class together. You had sat in the row behind me until the seats were switched and we became partners.
Do you know what I would give to be partners with you again?
My eyes invite seductive.
A smile will ignite a flame.
The warmth of your skin on mine well drive you insane, whlie wishing and begging for more.
Closed.
There's a dream
in my head
and it's making me
Ill.
Swimming,
These aren't my thoughts.
I wouldn't
couldn't
never would do
that.
But I did.
Dreams
Never does the feeling mix well with my digestion. ItGoes along my intestinal track and gets stuck every time, trying to runAway from the end when I can finally let it go. But of course this
absinthe kiss love drunk
and it's green like we're both green
clean lovers watching from the windows
both lost and dizzy
but so very much in jealous love
ripe love new love
I can run
You can't hide
A fortnight ago
I swore you died.
I watched as you burned
Flesh cracked and turned
black as the night.
Not a star in sight.
I watched you melt away
There is nothing worse than betrayal, because it signals the end of a friendship.
You claim I betrayed you, but I did no such thing.
After all, I'm not the backstabber.
I'm not the trash talker.
I'm not the cheater.
I didn't know
Until now
That you
Were gone
It took me
Six months
To find out
And I was
Speechless
I had nothing
To say
I didn't cry
But somehow
Nothing stands out
Numbness takes over
Robotic movements
Apathy bleeds in
And emotions
Fade away
Muted and dim
Somewhere
In the background
While a being
With no face
my fault is another's laughter.my soul begins to sink as my red faceinks in myembarrassment.the smile i've putthere is convincing,but it's a show.under the apathyi'm blinking
It roars in your ears
Pounding in your heart
Feeling miserable
A cloud over your head
Just wanting it to leave
Wanting to fix things
But you know you can't
There was nothing
I really am trying. So very very hard.
But the pain from the past makes life in the present feel so hard.
The stressors of today, call back the ghosts of times past.
And I really do not know how much longer I can last.
Almighty father above please forgive me,
My wife wants me to do a deed that my heart refuses,
My mind is waging a war that has no winner,
I'm sorry I took your time for granted
I was shy but very romantic
and I wish you'd understand that I loved you
even more than I did myself, too
I guess you could say that I have a lot of friends
I've never met a stranger and
My friendships have no end and
I say that not to brag but to say they don't depend
your love; I am wondering if it’s enough.
We said forever but I wonder if I am a liar.
I wonder if my God has forgiving me for gambling your love.
My heart would feel complete if I only fallowed through.
Here's what you've been missing
After all these days
There's a rocking chair still sitting
Outside that she wishes wouldn't stay
Here's what you've been missing
Since you passed away
after a dose of His word, everything else feels lesser.
like plastic or weightless.
it feels frail and meaningless and my interest in it lasts long enough for me to pick it up then toss it down.
You told him
You love him
You told him
Since day one
You guys cuddled
You laughed
You hugged
You kissed
One day something happens
You text him
He doesn't reply back
guilt
scary, human
maddening, controlling, depressing
eating you away causing you to crumble from the inside out
guilt
Lord, my God
take these words from quivering lips
as worship
hear my cry
take these tears from searching eyes
When I mix grayscale with pink,
Just to find gray ink.
When all silver linings I caught,
came shimmering down
like the last rain of spring.
Whose blood am I spilling,
like the rain?
How could he?
This man who promised her everything, said he loved her, made a vow.
This man who was protected by her, shielded from horrors that he couldn’t handle on his own.
You're a drunken mistake
a night of regret
I can't shake
for God's sake
I hurt someone I love
just for the intake
of your breath
and the connection of our bodies
Someone draws the blinds,
Waking me up on this early Saturday morning.
As I squint to look around the room,
I notice a blonde haired man standing by the window
I keep telling myself that it's all going to be okay,
I keep saying it's going to get better with each day.
But its all a lie.
How can I move on when I caused you to die?
Purple orchid rolling fibres,
coalescing in the first light of the day,
against the hellish blazing eye,
The harshest light is the one,
we choose to use to see.
The blemish of society has become,
a billboard of tragedy.
With beauty's definition,
now warped in the minds of our youth.
Mother
Says she cares
That she'd have stopped it
"If I would have just told her when it was happening"
(I was five)
But then says
These people be looking at me like I'm crazy
Like the shit I been doing ain't the right shit maybe
Maybe I'm loosing my mind
I haven't been feeling right lately
Like all these demons inside been tryna step out on me
Left broken,
Shattered,
Alone.
My innocence;
Ruined,
From the taint Of society.
No one understands
My pain.
It lies beneath the
Surface
Of my ever so
Who am I?
I don't know.
What am I?
I don't know.
How old am I?
I don't know.
When will I die?
I know,
I will die today,
For my mother is giving me away.
I run to find him on the floor
lying in a pool of his blood
with cuts on his arms and legs
slowly letting the life seep out
i was too late
he doesn't breathe
why didn't i see what was happening
This shame you make me feel
For telling the truth
For standing up for myself
Is shame unjustified.
This guilt you plant in me
For apologizing
For being too honest
Is guilt unjustified.
Dishonesty creeping
Through trembling fingers
Acts normal on the outside
While hate grows within.
All the while guilt and
Apprehension stir in the object
There are demons pressing in on me.
There are demons pressing out on me.
It's as if when my eyes hit the mirror
they hit the bullseye for my body to grow.
the bullseye is really a trigger.
Remind me why we can’t try this again.Now that we know what’s at stake,we won’t make the same mistakesand if we do, we’re done for good, the end.But at least we’ll know what could have been
You killed my confidence and left me crawling—
Not that I was old enough to know before
That it’s okay to love myself and someone else
At the same time with nothing to be sorry for.
Can you imagine the frustration
The frustration of your own ignorance
and
complacency
But you are made to think that
it is everyone else's fault?
You can't solve your problem
I am the "unborn"
I wonder if I will ever see light.
I wonder if I will ever see the face of my mom and dad.
I wonder if they will like me.
I am the "unborn".
Never any use trying to sleep.Too much went wrong, too many lost.Anxiety over how you could have saved her,or him, or yourself.But you didn't.
Sleepless days, and cold winter nights.
Lord, I don't always pray with all my might.
I don't follow the Bible word for word.
And i tend to neglect you unless there's something I can't afford.
Angry parents – at us or themselves
Angry lovers – heartbreaking rows
Angry worlds – they don’t share secrets
form tears on our pillows
We drink them away
till no one sees them glisten.
The star bloom, when the sky gone red
The shade sing, as darkness grows
The light shine a bloody tint
While i fall under the world tears
Horror of pain splatter my view
I must defeat this horrible pain
because in my heart it is a stain
I despise this whole it gets wider and wider
my veins spring out, like the legs of a spider
it sucks in all the truth in my heart
Can you see through my eyes?
The pain, the hurt, all around.
Lost people seraching for a purpose that can't be found.
Their shallow laughter creates a mask,
Over the questions they're too afraid to ask.
People are not clothesTo be cast off as the weather changesUseful, needed even, but all togetherHollow.
I'm back, but I'm falling apart
I'm back, but I'm lacking the heart,
That I need to keep movingAnd what do I think I'm proving? Starving for attentionReceiving it in the form of tension,
Where are you when the children call?
Memories revive at fixed scents.
The way your hair swept in the wind.
Your hands, delicate and soft objects.
Tell me, how are you nowadays?
Pinks, Purples, blues, greens,Strike with a Spark of Powder,With each curve,twirling,They leave a dusty trail.Only to be left,A mess.
Bad with talking,
Not with writing,
Feels like everything flying,
Come to ground in a sudden halt,
With everything that was her fault.
No amount of sorry can change the way,
She has betrayed,
I do not know what she is to me.
I cannot say how I feel.
She’s like a pebble stuck in the back of my mind.
How can I tell her how I feel?
With my body pressed close against her frame,
A genuine lust of morning'sVoiceThere I slumber, and ponderAbout the tresspassers of the dayAnd the smell of the roses fill theCream cooled air of my mindWhile my arrival is very slow and timed
SometimesI just don’t careand leave the TV on all nightthen in the morningI guiltily wonder how many polar bearsI’ve killedAs if it happened like that
When I first met you
I was determined to be your friend
Everyday I'd come over
Just to see you again.
I'd do the sneakiest shit
To see if you would smile
It's the most fun I've had
He reaches out because he is lost -
He is so tired of drowning his sorrows.
When instead of compassion he is met with disregad,
He finds himself falling even farther.
Back to the pen and paper to write this last chapter.
A year ago life as I knew it came to an end.
You don’t need a summary, you know…
But what you don’t know is how I have dealt,
Or rather not…
I wish you hated me,
because then I wouldn't feel so guilty
for wanting to leave you and give up at times.
I wish you despised me no matter
how much love I gave you
so that I wouldn't be the one to blame.
She was beautiful once. She was feisty once. She could ride a Harley, choke a stogie and found herself as a fine woman of the 50’s.
That of my perception’s highest worth,
Things that, when absent, cause me greatest hurt,
The things that I pursued with no relent,
Believing that, when caught, would bring content,
I am falling, falling into an eternal sleep
The life I couldn’t hold onto, the life I couldn’t keep.
My reckless actions, without consequence
When my Great Grandmother was near death in the hospital
I was curious to see what an old person's butt looks like,
so I kept standing on my tippie toes to catch a see
I was an ass.
I was shy but an ass.
When I worked up the courage to talk,
all this gross undeserved arrogance would spill out like:
"I'm probably smarter than you."
Thoughts of her
Dripping into my sternum
From all the way up there
In my brain
Where she has implanted herself
Like an alien egg
Miles to, hundreds from
Where my hearts pulled
Where the sun drowns
Where the wind doesn't blow,
We sit in silent war.
The cry's cold cut on the brink of hysteria
The icy wind peels back your outer core
Unprotected; as you were from the moment
The contractions won and you tasted
Bitter, bloody air. You close the door.
Turn, and face the face of pity. Snarl at it.
It wasn't out of nowhere
when I first heard it.
Nothing.
I knew it would come,
Eventually.
But could only hope
it wouldn't be so soon.
There was absolute silence,
Habits Never Die
Promises.
Broken.
It's not a contract;
you can renew.
You say it once.
You break it twice.
Guilt has tainted you.
No time to lament.
It's done.
Gambling is a sin, so never begin,
Money madness makes it more maniacal,
Stacks against itself the odds of real success,
It should see it’s blessed, learn to rest well,
Don’t send yourself to hell,
The sleepless nights that lies within your future.
I hope you praying to God to save your soul.
What gave you the right to clock at at innocent young boy?
Was it because he was black?
Trying to take back words already spoken
Trying to heal a heart that was born broken
You cannot bury a guilt that’s still unpardoned
And I would know
I would know
Oh how my lovely weathered memories are scattered across the floor. How they come rushing through as I sit and ponder. What will the winds of time bring past my door?
Can't help to not to cease to forget you
Can't help to not to try to let go
Deep Inside,
full of feelings oh so very low
Betrayal, selfishness, and fear
once part of my past
Situations you never deserved
Silently pondering
Hiding the pain and strain
Giving me no absolute gain
Ranting mind,
unforgiving memories
Repressed feelings
Wish I could take them away
Guilt.
A constant reminder of what’s wrong.
Leading to life being preoccupied by never ending self-destruction.
Always trying to escape always dragged back;
Like a cycle, but it’s just my nature.
“Forgive me/ they were delicious/ so sweet/ and so cold.”
-William Carlos Williams
Afraid it will come back
Up like a shadow
Up like his smoke
Rolling in with the tide
Even when I hide
I'm afraid it will find me
I'm afraid I'm still to week to fight
Because I remember how
like the word wealth
my true nature is hidden
behind
Digital image or lyrical gimmicks
The fiddler collects winnings
when the starved jack pots
though
ein
by
jeden
you can sense someone is lying when........
they dont make eye contact
you can sense someone is cheating when.........
they change stories worst than politician scandals
