Says she cares
That she'd have stopped it
"If I would have just told her when it was happening"
(I was five)
But then says
"I thought you moved on already"
Even though I just found a diary from Kindergarten
With a picture (a scribble) of me and him
And words scrawled across the page
In little kid letters
"whAt is sLOt meAn?"
What does slut mean?
Thinks it means me.
He didn't do it.
Even though I don't know who did
I know it wasn't him.
But he thinks it was my fault
Because I didn't tell anyone.
I. WAS. FIVE.
He doesn't even completely
Believe me that it happened
Because I don't rememeber every detail
And I didn't tell anyone so there's nobody to blame
And I didn't tell my parents until seventh grade.
She listens to me
She believed me
She didn't think I was disgusting.
She didn't start to treat me differently.
She loves me anyway
Even when I can't love myself.
I trust her more than anyone
She is the only person I feel completely safe with
And I am ashamed to say
I ever thought she might run away screaming.
I have told my mother, my father, my friend, my psychiatrist, my first and second therapists
And it has never been easy.
I feel slimy and disgusting every time
And it feels like his hands are on me all over again
And I sometimes disappear into myself.
I no longer feel my cheeks burning or the tears threatening to overflow.
Instead I hide.
And the dreams are the worst
Because the next day is completely filled with anxiety whether I take my Xanax or not.
And I wish I had told when I was five
Because what if he hurts another little girl
Who will also be too scared to tell?
He haunts my dreams.
His phantom hand slides up my leg
Towards the spot it should never have gone
And I shake and cry even though he's not here
And I haven't seen him since I was six
And we moved.
He saw a girl who was four almost five
Then five almost six
And his disgusting mind thought
It would be okay to touch her.
And the worst part is
I don't even know who he is.
And if it weren't for the other little girls
He will hurt someday
Who I could have saved
If I had spoken up
I would hope I never find out