Glow-Up
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A Christian boy in love with another... is it really against the rules? I first realized three years ago, as I was sitting in my chemistry class, that the boy next to me was c u t e
What’s worse than having a life you don’t want to live?
How about losing one you didn’t have to?
Death can be more familiar than life where I’m from
Been to more funerals than graduations
Small town
Same plains everyday
Simple, quiet
Did what I was told
No questions
Only had tunnel vision comprehension
I remember the apathy.
The uncoupling of my mind from my body,
looking out the window as the Toyotas and Fords bombinated by in the dark.
The top heavy tour bus rocked gently,
Hearing them shame her, had nothing to do with me.
They weren't my friends and I said nothing so she couldn't blame me.
As they laughed, I saw tears in her eyes and fear on her face
I knew it was coming some time close to now
but I didn't have a single clue how
Not even an estimation of time was given
because adulthood isn't something you can immediately step foot in
Are you who you want to be right now?
Not the most perfect you ever but right now.
Are you, right now, the you that you want to be right now?
The you that you are right now
Fifth grade, the last time I remember feeling normal,
The last time I remember feeling safe.
One moment I was with all my friends, playing hide and seek,
I used to get so mad at you
It was easy to be sad and blame it on you
How could I even talk to anyone? No one understood
But I guess it was always a long shot that any one could.
Alcohol to some seemed to cool
A year and a half ago
This was when I realized I was an adult
I was constantly surrounded by older people
The ones I would call the real adults
When I was waking up at ungodly hours
Before Dawn
They wish to ignore our bodies laying on the ground
They ignore our screams as if we were clouds
Just carelessly going about their day
I’m just trying to find my new normal
Looking back at the photographs of my past twenty-one years
It’s hard to look at my childhood self
Even though I have changed for the better
I miss the old me
The air holds on to my last breath,
in the building of change,
love,
hate.
the steps towards adulthood,
drifting closer and closer,
The rumble we felt was our own, not caused by rough pavement. As the car slowed, so did my mother's ability to think. There was only one answer, I knew, yet it did not come to her. We were stranded, and she panicked. What was to be done except cal
Their once naive euphoria
Prompted from accompanying their mom to the store
Or exploring the unexplored
Is now crushed as “autumn” approaches
Now the world has lost its mortala...
A light in my eyes fades
As the stain of life stays
And they all look up to me.
A broken and failing shell
The road that lies before you is winding,
with both good and bad turns and time to spare.
Despite the bumps that you will be finding,
people that you love will care to be there.
A troubled sigh
From dehydrated lips.
A squint from drooping eyes.
A shaky hand with bitten nails,
wiping a frowning brow.
A stranger knocked upon my door
I went to run away
To hide upstairs inside my room
Until they’d gone away
I am changing
I wonder what others would like
I hear people shout my name in the halls
I see myself change to please others
I want to be myself
if there’s a record for crying
my mom’s coming to take it
because my dad wants love
and what he has with my mother ain’t itthis is the man i looked up to
Who am I?
My childhood has passed by
College in two years what, how did I get here?
Did I disappear?
I still feel like I’m twelve years old
In my youth, I only care for popularity,
forgetting how to show sincerity.
Friendships, real or fake
that's all I wanted to make.
My mom became my foe,
always insisting me to grow.
Highschool.
Freshman year.
Fresh new year.
Wasted time.
Fooled around.
Came sophomore year,
and with it came
Academic Awards Day.
Made First Honors,
90 and above,
A friend, a sister, a part of me
I loved you so dearly, but you left me
You became obsessed with the image of an aider
Rather than aiding yourself
Life may be easy,
Life may be hard,
And you'll always wonder,
How it ever came to be.
Life may take them away,
Life may make you astray,
And you'll always wonder,
Why it ever came to be.
First breath
First word
A baby's firsts
Sights to behold
Seconds and thirds and each instance beyond
Lead to new firsts as time goes on
First day of school
First new friend
As a child, I was told many things from my parents, teachers, and even television
I was told how one must act, dress, work, and even think
In my family, I have two parents
overprotected and traditionalist.
I have two older siblings,
an independent and smart big brother
and a rebel and brave middle sister.
And then it is me,
When this flower bloomed I was 14 years old
My breasts began to bud and my heart grew cold
Full lips came too and my tongue grew slicker
Curves came to the hips and my patience grew thinner
As a child filled with love and laughter
Not knowing the world could be cold and bitter
A seed that has been planted and reborn again, blooming into a rose that grew between concrete
I suppose,
The moment I realized I wasn’t a kid anymore,
Went a little something like:
“you cant call out of work just because you’re sad”
My face planted firmly in a pillow,
A little version of myself,
scrawls words under "Dear future me" on a post it,
hides it behind a frame,
tries to forget it exists.
A bigger version of myself,
reads the words on that post it,
From the prompt I got ramblings I can't contain
Smile straight through the pain
For me to obtain
Happiness is as realistic as trying to gain
When I was young I slept on concrete ground
Due to the house holding 4 adults and 7 kids
Now I pursue never too
Youger me wanted to be like my father
But as I aged his life style became a bother
Two sycamore trees bounded by a vine
who was just a seedling at the time.
Where a trailing plant was once relentless on letting loose,
Because it was blinded by memories
Sparkling, room for any shape.Held aloft, transparent and hiding nothingAt heights it seldom viewed, higher would it be. Not yet.Too far from any sight too cramped for any plant.
She was
young, determined, naive.
shy, yet eager to please.
She was
little with a big heart
brave with all the scars to prove it,
because in her little mind she had nothing to loose.
"What happens when you die?"
Most people feel too awkward to reply
But I like to ask it to peel back layers
Small talk is for uninterested fakers
Some say reincarnation
The ever-present emptiness I hadn't realized was there,
Only showing in times I was surrounded by my peers.
Being a child, naivety is an inherent trait,
Granting bliss and numbing over pain that should be rampant.
Over the course of some years,
I’ve learned a lot of life lessons
that most definitely deserve some cheer!
I used to be a big pain in the rear,
girls know growing up as a girl can be gruesome.
expected to mature, expected to look a certain way, act a certain way,
talk a certain way, sit a certain way, walk a certain way
Born in a family filled with art, love, imagination, and magic comes a backyard as my Wonderland,
My Neverland.
A place I called home, a Symphony of laughter and music, much music.
With food and color richer than gold.
Someone should have told me that my father would abandon me
Someone should have told me that there would be days that i'd go hungry
Someone should have told me that no one believes the 6 year old who cries rape
Someone should have told me that my father would abandon me
Someone should have told me that there would be days that i'd go hungry
Someone should have told me that no one believes the 6 year old who cries rape
Parents always tell their kids to never trust strangers
Why though?? They are people just like me
Not long ago the growing pains started
The pains that broke the broken-hearted
The inevitable happened- I went blind
It was quite an experience at first
My vision went from bad to worse
Not long ago the growing pains started
The pains that broke the broken-hearted
The inevitable happened- I went blind
It was quite an experience at first
My vision went from bad to worse
I live on the corner of Hope Drive,Next to Sesame Street and Rainbow Road.Every morning I wake up,To the gentle envelope of my mother’s arms,the sweet sound of my father’s serenade,
Imagine you are young again.
Innocent and free of responsibility.
Not a care in the world, except of what’s gonna’ be on TV.
Your excitement when staying up past bedtime.
The Door…
Always that Door…
Taunting, chilling, mocking.
Heart racing, hands sweating, panic-stricken.
Handle turning, hand on my back, gentle but firm push, through the Door, closing click.
I look back to my youth
My pride, joy, confidence
Like a bullet proof suit
Now I stay in the confines of my room
1
2
3
4
Walls containing my pain
But when, when did it all change
Six, seven, eight, nine,
Growing up I would find
an interest in writing my own stories.
And those stories,
cheap imitations of novels I had read,
featured characters unlike me.
The day I could walk into a room,
Without fear of the walls caving in
And people’s stern glances
it became clear to me
That’s I was growing,
Feelings. Happy, or confused?
Both but neither.
Growing pains, rolling around in bed, unable to fall asleep.
I realized I was grown up
When I learned to apply makeup
And when I went through my first break up
There were a lot of things that molded me
Into everything I wanted to be
I was 14 and pregnant, and didn't even know
As soon as I found out, I was about to explode.
A freshman in high school, still barely a kid,
"Is she going to finish high school?" was the new bid.
To my Mother:
Remember the New Years Eve fight around cocktail shrimp and southern fried catfish?
I told you, 'You abandoned me when I was Eight"
It's true I was wild but you gave up on me
Sitting against our coffee table
I let out a sigh
I'll never understand what my mom see's in this movie
The movie is near ending
I'm near rejoicing
Yet somehow my mom is crying
Time pasts
One Day
One day we were kids playing with dolls
One Accident
One accident forces us to grow up
One Year
One year to spend with a loved one as a caretaker
One Responsibility
What do you look back and see now that you are all grown up
We go through things that might shake us up
But it will never tear or break us down someday maybe up some down
I grew up when I moved to the desert
400 people
"Nothing to do"
Living alone
for the first time
Busying myself
Learning to neighbor
This is my college education
To depend on myself
It was in my first month of being twenty years old that I watched The Little Prince for the first time
I never knew what it meant to worry for my heart until I finished the movie
Wings pushing the soft shell of the egg, mothered and protected in a small bed. My first words were spoken from cries and screams, the shell had broken while my mother fed. While the contorted winds blew, and the big white eye stared, my parents
Just because He can't spell does not mean hes stupid
Just because she can't read does not mean shes unsuited
Just because They can't walk does not make them wounded
Simple things are not always simple for all
I used to sit at
home, breathing all alone then
one day i changed, it
was never the same.
I realized I was closed to
the world that always
shows, the many ways
As you mixed tomatoes in the rice
You gave the rulebook for adolescence
I spat in your face and larked unincited
As you mixed tomatoes in the rice
You gave the rulebook for adolescence
I spat in your face and larked unincited
I'm sorry
Is what I want to say to you
Remember when we strolled around the town
and bathed in the waving shade of trees
We were so small then
and the world was small too
A Sleepover Invitation
Where we planned to stay up all night
But the air was cold so we got in bed
I can remember wishing I had lighter skin
Ashamed that my melanin didn’t fit in
Her
Ivory skin
Tulip lips
Seafoam eyes stared at me
When did I realize I was not a kid anymore?
It wasn’t when I stopped begging my mom for candy at the store.
Not when I stopped looking forward to watching a Saturday morning cartoon.
As a child, I thought things were mundane and simple
But everything changed the day I got my first pimple.
A mix of depression and hormones, I thought of naught
Except for the notion that happiness can't be bought.
I’m grown
I gotta live life on my own
I have my own house
That I own
Adulting is what I need to learn
From whom?
The hot granules of sand on my feet; its shape every changing betwixt my toes.This is the meaning of childhood. The bubbly sound of laughter, delighted screams ring about my eardrums. This is the meaning of childhood.
Disney movies teach us to be kind and love others.
Give your heart to those who need it.
Make others happy, it will make you happy.
But when is it too much?
Here are my toys. Play with them as much as you want.
Politics were always a bore. But when I started to like learning about politics, I realized I was not a kid anymore. Learning about politics has not only increased my awareness, but also made me less careless.
I wish to be innocent
Now I look back at the things I did
Clocks tick faster
The mistakes plaster
Starting young
From age one
Where I begun
So small
So sweet
There’s nothing you can do to stop it. It will happen with or without you.
Eleven years all on your own. Well, just you and those other two.
Brother! Sister! Twins! Brother! You’re the oldest sibling now!
i crack my back when sitting
i slouch my back when standing
but, i won’t bend my back to heed to you and your arrogance when i am being me.
I exist everywhere,
I am everything
I am no longer watching my surroundings.
I touch my skin and feel the brownie look of it,
The roots that travel along my epidermis
I see myself walking in a line behind several people.
In the distance I see a stage,
Looking around I see a crowd of blurry faces,
My feet feel heavy like cinder blocks.
I continue to drag on.
I’ve had my ups and I’ve had my
Downs
I’ve had my bumps and I’ve had my
Frowns
As a child I was innocent, creative and
Playful
I had lots of friends, toys and just
Able
I am alone
Yet I don’t feel it
I am told every day I am lonely
That I must be sad
Yet I feel fine
If I was alone
Wouldn’t I feel sad
If I was alone
Wouldn’t I cry for something to fill it
On to the next place
she was on to the next mistake
another man who promised her the world.
As her dreams came crashing to a halt did she wonder what would become of me?
I packed my bags
and got on the plane
the same plane
that had carted me across the world
five years prior
I thought my childhood was ending then
ripping me away from what was familiar
I felt it in the wind knotting my hair.
I felt it as my eyes squinted to the sun.
I felt it as the radio played
And the air blew on my face.
I was in control
Of life, fate, and death.
Once upon a time, I became me.
Little to big, I grew like a tree.
It was a good time, being so small,
One day, I hoped to be tall.
Trees were my muse,
Growing up was never hard,
It was always easy; at least for me it was.
I didn’t come from a hood, not a city and no barrio.
I came from a home where love was always shown,
Standing in front of my mirror
Looking at my own reflection
The only thing I see
Is someone who isn’t me
I squeeze my stomach with my hands
Hoping it would go in
I wiggle my arms around
I told you that I loved you
Even though I knew it was not true
My mind was simply on sex
And I didn’t know what to do
You said “If your love is true”
Then I would wait for you
God created each and every one of us different and unique.
Some people are large, medium or petite.
Body image shouldn’t be compared to every teen.
For it is cruel and very mean.
Highschool.
College preparation, scholarships, grades
Weed, alcohol, making out
Living up to every non expectation
Stereotypical, but the polar opposite
It wasn't when I found myself walking through the gates
When I was ten I learned of ends.
I moved away from my best friends.
My eyes were dry, they said "goodbye"
That was the hottest day in July.
Since then I have made my amends.
It took a while. Until I could look up at the sky and instead of hiding myself out loud, start living for the sun behind the clouds. Start looking for those lemonade skies and imagine flying by.
We met when we were eleven.
We had a group of friends,
but they all fell away
one-by-one.
We were the only two that stayed.
We spent our nights baking cakes together
A separated pictureA depressed fatherA confused motherAn unphased older brotherAn innocent little brotherAnd me, trying to hold everyone togetherFighting the words and paperwork while holding back tears
elementary
wen i grow up i want to sav the world
recess *bell rings*
we r going to be best friends
i dont want dad to hurt mommy
middle school
They dnt understand
My life isn't normal
They didn't tell me it would be like this.That days of freedom would be drowned out by days ridden with anxiety.I knew it was gone for good, the confidence found in innocence.
I never knew I could love someone who had so many demons in his past life.
I told myself I would find a man that had no damagning baggage,
a man that could never describe to me what an inside of a jail cell looked like,
I was filled with child-like joy.
Driving my car out of town for the first time after getting my license.
But with my hands on the wheel, I realized.
You can't drive and enjoy the views of the side road at the same time.
One, Two
I tripped over your shoe
Three, Four
I stayed there on the floor
Five, Six
Next to a collection of sticks
Seven, Eight
It's getting late
Nine, Ten
Everyone told me to work hard.
So I did. The past blended into the present into the future.
It was once rough to the touch, like a potato sack.
Now it's faded, a green-gray expanse of old sunbeams and bitter stains.
A new planted sapling takes time to grow.
With care and with patience it learns to grow strong.
The wind beats against it,
And pushes it down,
But that little sapling will forever push on.
Things seem to go very fast
Little kids running through the grass
Not a worry in the world
Then you look up an you're reading the Omaha World Herald
You think to yourslef, wow this is very strange
She went back to her room where her favorite song was just ending at the best part.
The little twinkles that faded with a high D flat that made her emotions fall apart.
I know the world doesn't revolve around me
but nobody sees the things that I see
no one feels the pain I so often breathe
push others away, they'd never believe
of the pain that I so often breathe
before the sun bore down
on the days of sunflower yellow
and make believe dreams of a pink frilly gown
i’d bellow, “hello, scarecrows, hello!”
Before you leave my room shut the door,
We’ve talked about this before.
For the love of pearl chew with your mouth closed,
Oh girl, I know that Instagram was posed.
When I was young,
It was gray,
Mostly,
Normal,
Or at least I thought,
What is a neutral feeling?Truly, I didn’t know,
You are changed by the decisions you make, as well as the one’s you don’t
Decisions of love are often done blind
Taking advantage of the first sign of your deepest insecurities
A piece of paper
All that is left
At the end of the long-wrought road.
Four years of memories
Four years of work
Four years of teachers
Four years of friends
It was abrupt when
I shattered a clock,
hurled it to the ground,
stomped and smushed it flat,
kicked it off, aside
and left you kneeling,
One of my desires is that those insecurities,
So rusted and worn they scarcely show displease.
Mom? Please dont leave...
I need you as a guide..keep breathing
If youre gone I dont have much.
Ive gotten a job, I want to help pay for hospital bills.
Just please stay im only 17 now i still need you.
