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Bulimia.
A sickness created by one's thoughts and perceptions.
Something that destroys the body with every bite.
She tries to fight off the painful realizations
The grass of the backyard
Is a wild jungle,
The clover a dense thicket
A golden hunter,
She tramps through the green
Eyes bright,
She has a smile even the stars can’t outshine
But if you look in her eyes, she’s breaking inside
She walk around with confidence, her chin always up
I slept and I slept, and I slept
Sinking to an insurmountable depth
Couldn’t revive or arrive for a breath
Where am I, who of me is left?
This tailspin, burnout, whatever you call it
I can feel the pain
sucking marrow from my bone
leaving a blinding headache behind
wishing for the pain to stop
Yearning for the ache to fade
Hoping for a moment of bliss
To come and wrap me in a hug
looking in the mirror
it’s hard for me to see
it’s hard for me to see myself
for who i want to be.
do you see me,
the beauty that lies beneath?
do you see my smile shining so bright?
A mask is what we wear.
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes.
On the mask is a smile.
Forced. Real. Unsure. Scared. Alone. Broken.
When we part for the day,
I sit and I say,
"I love you, I love you, I love you."
I hide from your face,
I whisper your name,
And I love you, I love you, I love you.
You told me you loved me
You told me that you cared
But what we did to sarah…
I guess this is only fair
You always kept me hidden
I thought you meant it when you said forever
you didn’t
Sometimes I wanna say what I think I should have saidand sometimes I keep things all in my headmy mouth closedneedle and threada zipper acrossmy lips of red
I've always been a backdoor secret. A quick glance. A late night text, or a forgotten summer fling
So when you came to my neighborhood, I was annoyed
Some say I’m intelligent
But I just feel irrelevant
Some say I’m well-spoken
But they haven’t seen the side of me still broken
The broken side
they never saw the real me
the one i hid away in my closet
buried with the things i hid from society
tied her up and taped over her mouth so no one would hear her scream
i remember being happy
When I was young I would avoid the crack in the sidewalk
I used to think I had OCD… My need to not step on cracks in sidewalks consumed me.
The echoing halls are ringing
with the forgotten cries
comming from a raw throat.
Nobody will turn to look at her
as she cries for help,
dying on the inside.
Nobody will hear her
All my worries
were covered behind the facade
of laughter and joviality.
Now the walls are
being taken down.
There's a hole left inside of me.
Regret, sadness, depression,
but never hatred.
Guilt, melancholia, sorrow,
but never anger.
Remorse, gloom, heartache,
but never hostility.
Grief, misery, woe,
but never rage.
Take a trip with me to lands unheard of
Through hidden passages, secret doors, and unknown chambers deep within my mind
All you need is your imagination so leave everything behind
Life is funny isn't it?
Days were sunny and warm,
Nights sparkled and everything fit.
Now,
I'm looking for a place.
Mine blew up.
My family was as close as could be.
Since I was a little girl,
I dreamed of being a ballerina.
And now look at me:
Caught up in this twisted dance for fools.
I wished for nothing more than to have stage,
If I sat down beside you would you be mad?
It seems everything I do dissapoints you.
I don't mean to make you cry, I don't mean to make you sad.
But every litte thing I do, dissapoints you.
A tower resides over many people.
A bunch of villagers rush to the ornate and shiny tower.
There is a plank that carries the long house and,
The plank is held by the mob of people.
The people just need to
What's the most important part of the outfit?
For some it is the shoe, the shirts, the hair
But for me, it won't simply be found anywhere.
You can't buy it in a store,
Nor have it tailored.
Perhaps I will never open this book again
But if I ever do
I'll be honest
I'll be truthful
As I flip through the pages again
I'll regret the choices I made
I'll regret the words I erased
There are a few things you should know,
About me and my life,
And what I've learned to not show.
You don't know what I feel,
I keep it well hidden,
But maybe I shouldn't,
They don't know about it.
The anxiety I face.
When I have to go to a place,
Where I know little to no people.
From working at the restaurant,
To a party at my friend's place.
Author's Note: This was a poem written by Catrina Sable, a good friend of mine, and myself. Enjoy!
Two girls that feel alone
Lost in their head
Replaying the battles,
Hearing the never ending screams,
Sometimes it is easier to smile,
To tell everyone lies,
Rather than the problems we hide.
I know 'cause I've been there,
In many ways I still am.
So then why on earth do I participate
Take a beautiful girl
And hide her away
from the rest of the world
But one day
Gotta let her out
Off she goes
Dreams die as people dine with fishes,
Life is sand in an ever-draining hourglass,
To float on murdered wishes
Is laying waste in the mind only to harass,
Flow not, wander on always
And find the soul lost,
Author's Note: I am extremely proud of this poem. I entered it into San Mateo's City Arts contest and recieved an honorable mention, and didnot have any intention, and did not follow the theme. So I hope you all enjoy this poem.
I saw
The shadows feed
I fall
Finally cut too deep
I call
Out can't you see?
I'm flawed
So from the heart I bleed
I'm lost
Give up I'm finally beat
They killed
"A deadly weapon in disguise
But i keep my head down
Horror fills their eyes
I search for patterns on the ground
Bright lights fills night skies
But I still feel bound
I look up wishing I could fly
When I'm alone, I frown. When I'm around you, I smile.
When I'm alone, I cry. When I'm around you, I laugh.
When I'm alone, I want to die. When I'm around you, life is worth living.
Leave, go out of me
You’re the thing that kills me
You let all my friends see
And then they leave
They say, "keep your friends close
But your enemies closer."
I ask, then, how do you know?
Who is your friend
And who is your foe?
One moment it's sunshine
And happiness and laughter.
Silent tears run down my cheeks
As I try to get some sleep
Days may come
And Days may go
Though you may never know
Silent tears fall from my eyes
I hold onto a hope that never dies
Left broken,
Shattered,
Alone.
My innocence;
Ruined,
From the taint Of society.
No one understands
My pain.
It lies beneath the
Surface
Of my ever so
Flay the skin away
Piece by piece
Layer after layer
What am I now?
Am I
The words tumbling out of my mouth
The thoughts rolling in my head
The despair deep in my heart
Here a girl of 17 sat playing with her nails.She wore black and was thin and very frail.Her dark brown locks hid her face as she stared blankly into space.
Around around on the merry go round.The little girl shall never be found.The merry go round is here to stay.The little girl has run away.Up and down the horses go.The little girl hated school she had wrote.
White Frosting here and there.Putting flowers in her hair.Color of red stain to decorate for this joyous daySome powder here, a fix up there.Now its ready for today.Getting lowered into the ground,
When surrounded by peopleI need space.When alone my thoughts surrounded me.I cant breath.
Im confusedtiredhopeless.
I dont understand, and at this point.I dont think I want to.
Cheeks hollow
skin cold
lips thin
collarbones.
Shoulders bare
Straight thin hair
no stomach to hide
space of thighs.
All is calmjust shallow breaths heard.Drip driptime slows down.
Your life fades past like many times before.Only at the end you find yourselfat a different door.
A little like leads to love.
A little hug leads to comfort.
A little tear leads to a sob.
A little smile leads to a laugh.
A little whisper can lead to a crush.
A little hope leads to faith.
She doesnt know she poor, Even when life tells her in many ways Her refrigerator becomes empty. Whenever she is hungry she can't even find a whole meal. Her family barley has enough food to last them until they can get more.
Isn't she lovely?
The way her hips move side to side.
isnt she lovely?
The way her clothes hug her skin tight.
isnt she lovely?
The way her makeup is bold and bright.
isnt she lovely?
#Hiddenbehindafilter
Don’t look them in the eyes, they are the window to the soul your shall remain hidden.
#Anxiety #NotGoodEnough #Fat #Depressed #Nerd #Prude
I have a confession.
There is a someone,
A special someone,
A someone who warms my smile,
Darling, you'll be okay.
You are being irrational.
Take a minute and just breathe in and out.
You are a beautiful human being.
You serve a purpose on this Earth.
You have people who love you.
Sadness does not come in the form of rainstorms
Here to kiss away the tears off of one's face
It is not the color of the blackest night
She knocks on my door and asks me to come out. “No,” I answer, but it’s not my voice talking, it’s his. Raising my 6 year old niece has not been easy, given I’m also raising a young man. His name is Depression.
When I look up; I see emptiness,
When I look down; I see limits,
When I look straight; I see destruction & beauty,
But all that changes, when it goes dark.
When I look up; I see infinity,
I never thought that it would hurt me, When I used you as a cover up, I pretended to love you as opposed to the one girl that, Never mind, You would never understand it, I wanted Gabby so bad, But I didn't want to come out of the closet yet, So I
What is money without those you love
Everyone wants grip allow me to be the glove
You wonder why the stars get coked up
While there are people struggling to get coated up
Do you remember the first time we met
You showed me Love that I'll never forget
As time went by me and you got real close
Throughout my years,
I've been broken down
and I've been built up.
I've loved
and I've lost.
I've changed others
and I have changed.
I've drank
and I've smoked.
I've cried
Looking through my perilous soul
I see nothing but a toll
Is this me I see in this photo
Or just a way to fit in with a motto
Nothing ever seems the same
With filters getting all the fame
My heart is heavy today, I sighed
Depression is attacking my heart, my soul, my mind.
I try so hard not to care,
But all I feel is bottomless despair.
I am a pile of leaves waiting to be affected by the winds of time;
Scared of what the future holds.
I lay here calm and collected, my emotions trapped inside;
Bursting at the seems, my sanity is wavering.
No rhythm
No rhyme
Just me
And myself
Dark hands
Bright face
WIth a dim glow in the eyes
Worn out
By the challenge
Of living each day with a smile
Inside
Want to hold your hand,
It's right there for me to grab,
I feel close to you,
I'd hate to see you go, don't.
Strangers that had a past.
Enemies that had a bond.
Two seperateminds, two seperate hearts.
Trying
Failing
Hurting
The force grows stronger
But it never touches.
Civil War of the heart.
I was fifteen before I realized that no one could ever love me as much as I loved me
And a revelation of poetic, creative, fertile ideas were released inside of me
So, this is what it feels like when all the walls start to fall.
As the towers fall and replace the the free space beneath them,
I will think of nothing
I brought this upon myself.
Smile.
We hear the words to often.
Smile.
Maybe I don’t want to.
Smile.
Are we taking a picture?
Smile.
I don’t know that I can.
Smile.
Stop telling me to.
Smile.
Family…
The definition of it: is a group of persons who came from the same ancestor
Sadly though no one wants a family anymore
From the generation that has now been born
love is nothing to pease
war is death to us all
between god an angels the war is small
to us love is all
peace inposible
war always untll we are dmned
etween devils and god we're left for dust
Break away from everything.
Are you aware of whom you are?
Remember when you were little and you knew
Exactly what you wanted in life?
No, doctor that's not the problem
You don't understand
I'm putting guns to my head like I don't own my hands
I'm laughing so loud in a room with my friends but
as soon as I'm home I feel slightly deranged
Do you think she knows?
The way she moves,
Giggling-groveling-grooving
She cares too much of who approves.
Do you think she knows?
How she makes the world turn,
Living-loving-leaping,
You wear a mask like me.
We can both see it,
But neither of us have the courage to say it.
You always go above and beyond for me:
You sacrificed your time
To relieve my pain
I smile,
I giggle,
I say the things I’m expected to say.
Never cry,
Never yell,
My face permanently plastered with a grin.
My positivity can be suffocating,
I’m not who you think me to be;
I’m not a sweet innocent girl,
waiting or searching for love.
I’m not a delicate little flower,
waiting to bloom.
I have done the things THEY want me to do.
I have loved the people THEY want me to love.
I have concealed myself with things that carry false pretenses.
I have changed everything i am for THEM.
I have become desperate to fit in.
Behind the hazel, she's just a lonely little one. Behind the hazel, she wants to the world to be gone. Behind the hazel, she's fighting everyday. Behind the hazel, she's scared in every way. Behind the hazel, she's slightly shattered.
Hidden Behind The Curtain
It's a masquerade ball
monsters are beautified to all
“You’re not in this alone. Let me break this awkward silence…”
Blared loud into eardrums
Eardrums of an emotionally unhinged fourteen year old boy
Someone sings to me in my sleep
An ancient voce, unknown to thee
Speak to me, hear me out
I know what is hidding deep inside
Deep in the shadows in the dead of the night
Crawling beneath all the darkest light
On the outside he's happy
Smiling and vain
But on the inside he's crumbling
Suffering from pain
His family life ain't the best
No he knows it could be better
But he isn't exactly the type
“Free me”, she screams in his face.“No more.No more a moore.I am a river.I flow.I live and give
Insecurities unfold all around us
Everyone’s walking around like their aimless
No one shows their true colors
Everyone only judges, why bother
Afraid to show the world
In fear of acceptance
I hate these ballet shoes
Everyday marks another bruise
And as I dance with the pain, my brain is in flames, going insane
Working double time over what should be considered a war-crime
Behind the curtain
What I keep hidden
From your eyes and mind
Is strictly forbidden
Under the mask
What a clever disguise
Pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain, she’s unsure of herself. On the outside she projects the illusion of being whole, and well put together. She walks with confidence, but not too much, she not’t conceited.
I hide behind the Curtain
but People can still see
if they look hard
They will find me
I hide behind the Curtain
When I want them to know
What is bothering me
What hurts now
After being continuously exposed to my
Cool exterior,
No one would ever guess of the
Monsters
Inside my innermost being.
After looking into my bright eyes,
No one would dare consider
Behind the curtain
There is nothing uncertain
The world is mine to control
Away from the safety of my oasis
There is a basis
In the statement I am going to make
Life can be tough and people acknowledge that
But they don't realize how much I hide
Behind my curtain of lies
They see my shining smile and happy step
But all I feel is depressed and lonely
In our judgmental society, people are ridiculed for everything:
Our looks must be perfect. Our personality must be perfect.
It’s a tough world for many, and each has their own problems.
I hide unsatisfied behind, this shield of mine scared of the world, hoping one day to be that kid that finally comes from the her shadows, im just a girl running away from her fears, hoping that these fears won't turn into tears.
A little stuffed pugto replace to one you lostso long agohas watched you all this time.I've seen you grow,I've watched you learn,and already I knowthis is not what you wanted.
Welcome to a world of fun
A carnival of toys and guns
Nobody wins, we’re quivering
The only prize is you can’t leave…
All these clowns are made of masks—
You become what you paint on your faces
Every day single,
I fake my life
Not in my morals,
or my personality.
What's fake are my emotions.
The ones that I choose to show, but in reality it's this mask I choose to wear.
I have no armor against the fork-tongued and heart-piercing.
I’m not covered in a blanket of deceit best suited for comfort.
My face is not painted a pretty picture for the ease of outsiders.
Make believe is comforting,
Loving the sense of security traps you,
False pretense of the being you thought to be you,
Ugliness and jealousy clouds me,
The real me sees the opportunity as deal,
Scared
I'm scared to be myself
To show that who I love
Isn't "just a phase"
That it's okay to love someone
Someone of the same gender.
But that it's okay to also love
The universe where entropy increases, chaos is truth.
I am the strong and the weak force which try to stabilize the inner elements of the heavens,
I hide behind a curtain
I try to conceal my fears
I smile on the outside
I deceive my fellow peers
I am dying in a prison
I am trapped inside my mind
I choose life over death. I choose living with the rest.
Fighting, fighting through hell. Ringing all these bells for help.
I am one of the 2% of American teenage girls
who don't shpw their feelings
In fact I hate it
I will do anything to keep people from getting the notion that I even have emotions
Never confident in my skin
Thinking of who I could have been
Tried to blend into the scene
To be a prop, a little thing
Hiding from the judgment and hate
Worried even about the things I ate
There's no where to turn,
the doors are shut
And I'm still hurt.
But don't let them see.
I write to protect them.
I can confide in no one,
because I'm supposed to stay strong.
Helpless.
An intense electrical pain filters through my scared body.
My unlucky limbs become violently uncontrollable.
Shaking.
Trembling.
Tense.
Afraid.
I scream in my head for it to stop!
I am the hidden girl.
Hidden behind my curtain of shame.
The girl that people don't notice,
The person who follows the crowd,
The one who is too shy to be heard,
The human afraid of making mistakes.
Innocence born,
maintain, keep it warm.
Show the world this innocence incarnate,
the world will see and start to hate.
They'll laugh and point saying "you won't get some",
Golden days are full of bloom
But inside petals is dark
of gloom.
Beneath waxy leaves
are hidden shadow
Depression
Have you ever heard of such a thing?
A dark passenger that takes your soul
A marriage without a ring
Anxiety
Have you ever felt such an emotion?
I once wanted what anyone wants: compassion.
There was something about me that people couldn't stand,
Maybe it was my apathy, sarcasm, or something of that fashion.
Poetry, is anything the truth?
A lie isn't a lie and to die isn't to die.
A thing is another.
If someone stands for someone else
does the second someone sit?
Flitting through the trees
She runs
Like the quicksilver moon
High in the clear night sky
He passes through the dark trees
Striding onward with some mysterious purpose
Like walking into the wind,
and you cant breathe.
like hearing the worst news of your life.
Missing a part of you,
you never knew you had.
Thats what its like to love you.
They say soulmates are the ones youre supposed to end up with.
The love of your life.
What if soul mates are the ones that make your life a living hell?
But can only make you think of happy times.
Sweet scents swirled in the night
all for naught
no one could smell it;
The brilliant red, radiant petals
Delicate, beautiful... a woman, a human
Flesh, blood and bones
a pair of lips, bright brown eyes
hidden beneath a man's disguise
a woman thrives to live
I've been standing here longer than you think,
just taking a very long good good look at me
through the eyes of those who know, those who don't,
and those who don't give a damn.
She's broken inside
with nowhere to hide,
yet she has everything in the world.
She's got family and friends
and the spoiling never ends.
But what she wants
is just a connection.
Where is he?
There's more to me
more than you can see
you don't know the hurt I do
you don't know what I have to loose
I show you a smile
but inside I still cry
you'll never know how I truely feel
I don't know why,
Why I feel this way.
I don't know how,
How to let you go.
I don't know what,
What to do.
Confused about everything,
Everything but you.
I feel hollow.
When I think of words
I think of numbers, or knights
Or of nights
When the sky is an inky black
the kind your fingers
Almost slip into
Like a sleeve, or oil
BUT WHAT IS THIS? THIS SOUL DIMINISHING DEMON
ENDLESS SCREAMS OF PLEA AS CRUEL HANDS SHATTERS AN INNOCENT SOUL
CATCHING TEARDROPS IN MY HAND AS I WATCH MY LIFE , MY SOUL DRIFT AWAY INTO THE WIND
When someone asks
"Are you gay?"
When someone says
"You look lik a guy."
When someone knows the truth
they know me by no lies
they just dont know it all
the real alswers to their questions
When will the darkness end?
Will morning ever come?
Will I always have to pretend?
Or will the mask be broken by some?
The smile on my face,
Is almost never real,
I put it there to hide,
It's unbelievable how much hurt there is out there
Not very many of us actually are willing to take a stand
To even care
If we could just put aside our differences
Unite
And fight
To feed the hungry
I broke the vow, and ran out of the church. I did for us! I did for our love! And nevertheless, I disappointed my father.
My dearest
what do you see in me?
what do you feel when you touch my skin?
does your blood swell like the tide in your veins? Do you hear the ocean in the conch of my ear?
You seem to put me in the same category as your LAST
and hardly give me a chance bc of what happened in the PAST..
But how can you expect love come already stable and ADJUSTED
Maybe I am living in a bubble
Where if I come out I must show people who I really am
Where if I come out I am openning myself to pain
Where if I come out I am openning myself to the eyes of the world to judge me
Why cant you see
That he is the one
The one for me
The choices I make
Are the right ones for me
I wish you would give yourself the chance
To show everyone
What I see in you
She silently gilded across the moon reflecting sandThe dreadful night everything was takenThe torture, the torment and the painHer heart ached…ached for himAs her eyes looked to the heaven’s above
Alas will you look at me
Hence forth it shall be
A proclamation of such beauty.
We watch as the stars fall from the sky.
You hold me as a tear drops from mine eye
as we gaze at the flutters of many a butterfly.
I think I always knew I would love you.
As a kid I used to joke that I would marry you,
but somewhere down the winding road of life
that joke turned from a hearty giggle to
a light-hearted laugh of sincerity.
I write for just a few things,Only a few know.
Of what could it even be.
Is it of love?
Is it of anger?
Or could it even be loss?
Well...I'm here to say.
Endless Words Which lock your eyesPlentyPlenty of puns and idiomsI'm on another planetSeems to be from a different worldHiddenFoggy and somewhat unclearMeaning
You weren't suppose to see
your unexpected timely arrival caught me by surprise
and you weren't supposed to see
The disappointment turn to happiness in my eyes
the smile that belies
my true emotions come to rise
Ugly, fat, oh the names I’ve been called.
You ask if they bother me, I should say not at all.
I should hide behind my smile and silently say,
I am who I am and nothing can change me anyway.
"Is she always like this?"
I'm asked time and time again
The crowd always follows
Even when they know nothing
They're curious about her
As only the physical is obvious to them
Tears and Blood
Shed in the night
She is cold,
And she’s alone.
For why she cries,
So many have died
And she fears the fate
For her own.
He hits her,
When she’s crying.
Another day I return to my bed
Another search again with no end
I remember the moment I saw you
You were different than anyone I ever knew
Between the ink & paper
Is where the true story lies
Between the written word
I hide myself
My love,
My darling,
Oh, where are you?
I’ve searched and scoured the earth for you.
I’ve left no rock unturned.
My heart is failing,
My hope is fading.
Where could you be?
Always on my mind
Your presence never binds
As of lately I can't let go
Of these feelings,
so low
Zap away those neurons
That make your face appear
Very, extremely, and closely near
Behind this smile
that you all see,
their lies a girl
who's trying to be.
She puts up a front
that seems so strong
but on the inside
she can't hold on for long.
