Not What You Wanted

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A little stuffed pug
to replace to one you lost
so long ago
has watched you all this time.
I've seen you grow,
I've watched you learn,
and already I know
this is not what you wanted.

Your skin becomes rough,
The scratches more numerous.
The pain that you feel
becomes real
with a needle to your skin.
And yet, you dont know
this is not what you wanted.

I've seen all the blood
from the shelf seat of the show.
Today you shall speak.
Tonight she will know.
With your back against the wall
you can not back down
and still you dont see
that this is not what you wanted.

You stall as she waits,
rocking rythmically in your banana chair
upon your bedrooms bloodtained carpet.
Finally, finally,
you gather your courage
and she stills in curiosity.
You called your best friend over
for an oh, so, important meeting.
Now in the quiet of the room
no one yet knows
this is not what you wanted.

When in your deep breath
you confess,
she didnt know what to say.
So instead of what you wanted
she says something she will forever regret.
Your stunned composure says more than words
yet she suddenly forgot how to feel.
And that is not what you wanted.

Frustration, confusion, shock, and regret.
Emotions flow into her eyes.
But she never cries.
So she wipes away the tears
before you notice...
but you notice.
The sight of your scars
the blood, the cuts,
has made her cry and shake.
though she acts like nothing is wrong
you might now understand that
this is not what you wanted.

Yet, a year later you've convinced her,
made her happy once again.
As long as you simply pretend
that this is not what you wanted.

It goes on for a while.
You put on such a show.
Even though you never stopped
only you will ever know.
But I sit next to a book,
a special, secret place.
I watch your best friends face
Twist in horror, shock, and shame
as she reads away your game.
This is not something you two wanted.

Your secret stays with her.
Your secret stays with you.
The guilt will stay with her
when she thinks of how she
has betrayed you.
How a secret stays with her.
Scratched upon her upper thigh.
Out of sight.
For she knows that
this is not what you would have wanted.

It seems as though she'll tell you
as soon as you tell her.
But that will never happen,
for you are in the dark.
But as your cuts will show
hers will begin to grow.
sleeves will not hide you
for they give her an excuse to know.
Though I can not even speak
if theres one thing I am certian, it's...
that this is not what you wanted.

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