I am one of the 2% of American teenage girls

who don't shpw their feelings 

In fact I hate it

I will do anything to keep people from getting the notion that I even have emotions

I developed a technique to avoid this problem in advance

Stay so far detatched there is no chance 

When I meet someone I will do anything other than shake their hand, say my name, and start the process;

Step back, build a wall, repress, detatch, detatch, detatch, detatch.


I am comfortable again

I am back behind my protective barrier

Separating me from even 

the slightest posibility of debris

that may be sent flying by this tornado of a friendship I feel like I never wanted

As soon as I trusted you enough to share

You opened your mouth and people started to stare

They turned my problem of secrecy into an illness that caused meteocrity

They looked at me as if I was broken

only half human

They looked down on me 

Every day I lived surprised that no one could see through their hard outer shell

For me it went off like alarms and bells

That constant unwavering smile that they had plastered on their faces

only when they go places

I see the reality in the mirage you've created 

Comparing yourself to the hopeless to make yourself feel elevated

You look at everyone else

but can't bare to look at yourself

because your expectations won't allow you to look at your reflection

in the mirror

for fear 

of only seening shattered glass


My habit of being emotionless

is a struggle to change 

when I'm being held in chains by your looks of hidden pains

that take me back to my most broken days

I have only begun to hike up the mountain of healing

in which I have started the process of revealing;

Step up. Break the Wall. Express. Express. Express. Express.

I am so uncomfortable

I can barely stand the feeling

The though of what might happen

the day I tell you anything

I want to ho hide

back inside myself

You say you understand 

But I'm just patiently waiting for the day I will be ebtrayed by that misleading

by that little five letter word so fleeting


I am told its a must

In my opinion its just a theory

that I decided to bury 

Along with hope, love, and clarity.


Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741