Suicidal
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Entertaining death
The thoughts fill my mind
My chest heavy with
Despair
Pass another year
I jest. But in reality
I begin to feel fear
sometimes i hurt so much,
physical pain from a mental enemy
sometimes i don't want to be alive,
tears trailing and flooding life
truth is,
once it's introduced itself
it never really leaves
Another day I struggle to reach its darkened end
Battling cryptic thoughts which my demons send
Amidst this emptiness I find myself withering away
Neither caring, nor am I wanting, to see another day
depression,
this intangible idea
that we desperately wish
was something we could grasp
this ailment isn’t tangible
Smoke to ease the pain away just for a little bit
My brain moving at the speed of light I be thinking ‘bout some real shit
The feelings of depression falling over my shoulders with that blanket feeling
Everyday it gets harder
To get out of bed,
To feel enthusiastic about life,
To smile.
I can feel the pain inside of me
Growing and spreading,
I remember when mommy told me
that if you trust a man, he will hurt you.
I never thought much of this. Instead of
listening to her, I asked, “mommy, where
is daddy?”
What if i told you i'm not okay?
That i'm depressed.
How would you react?
If I told you I almost killed myself today.
Why is the world so judgmental?
Like people,
Hungry animals choose their prey
By looking for the weak or wounded
They pursue them—
I wanted to give up.
I wanted to come up from the hell i’ve endured for these years --
have been the hardest i’ve ever seen why won’t you let me leave
Me alone
The one person I didn't want to know knows
But no one knows it all
They know of my depression
But they do not know of the marks spanning down my arms and thighs
They know I am struggling
He was only eight, so why'd they give him so much hate? He shouldn't be crying because someone called him a "pansy" or a "fairy"- especially when he barely knows his own body.
A sound of thunder one flash, no lightning reality gone asunder; no rain, sky clear as day one plan, no safety and blood flies astray; Did I do that?
Her eyes reminded me of the old embers in the fireplace,
unkempt by my absent father.
~awatr
I spent every waking minute thinking of you.
And when I shut my eyes at 3am?
There you were again.
~awatr
What do you do when you want to die but can’t kill yourself? Yeah you’re happy sometimes but usually you’re dead inside. You can’t hurt yourself but if an accident happened you’d be just fine.
She carries three rocks in her pocket
One is the peble that lead her to a mountain
One is the lump that formed in her throat
One is the boulder of silence that sat still in your mouth
These rocks are heavy
Why can I never find words on my tongue?
They lay curled up in my palms instead,
leaking into the ink of pens or
clutched in fists like painkillers or sleeping pills.
The voice in my head constructed
I want to die,
I'm scared of death,
So sometimes I just hold my breath.
I close my eyes and count to ten,
I pussy out and breath again.
All of these drugs won't do shit,
not one shot, not one hit.
I'll still wake up in the morning,
wishing my life wasn't so boring.
I don't wanna get high or fly,
I just wanna fucking die.
Man, her smile is so big, why is she so happy?
Why is she always smiling?
She sits alone, always looking in her phone
But what they didn't know is that there is a battle going on
He stands in the cornerShade a shadow of black thoughts in my headDraws weights in my skin drawing out
Muted grey
Shades of pain
Blurry sneers
My arms stretched out
Coils freeze on my limbs
Hanging above soulless concrete
How is it that I am still alive?
How is it that today I am awake
and maintaining hope that things will get better
when I can feel myself spiraling out of control?
There have been days...
Soul of Darkness
Eyes don't lie
Heart filled with hurt
Mind filled with dirt
Lips always curled into a smile
Mouth filled with laughter
Dimples are always showing
She says she's happy
You say its always me
You say its all my fault
You say i caused everything
For once can YOU! take the blame
I am tired of you saying their name
So tired of the way you treat me
Created for relationship - that's what they say.
Severely precious.
Always enough.
Captivating.
Longed for.
Loved.
Fought for.
Full of potential.
Bought at the highest price.
"Counselor" by Zarinah Alarcon
I’m that girl that sits up
late at night with thoughts
constantly running through my head.
Do you want to know what lurks in the deep?
Beneath my bare skin and white teeth
Sitting deep within the bones
Screaming, aching, and groaning.
In the endless pit within my mind
The voices echoing…
i tried to tell the moon goodnight,
but the words were stuck in the back of my mind
unable to escape from behind
The sad part is how easy it would be
to just give it all up.
To forget the work
to forget the dream
the sweat
the blood
the tears.
It is a matter of will they say
he shut the door as he shut his eyes
Seconds ago
he kissed his brother goodnight
Minutes ago
he told his parents he loved them
Hours ago
he stared at his teachers blankly
Days ago
I don't remember how it began. I don't remember exactly when it started; whether it was back in fifth grade or freshman year.
Trying to write what i feel
Putting emotions into words
Trying to explain these things
I dont even know what they are
When the words won’t come out
The person who always looks happy
Is the one that gets hurt the most
The person who always care about others
Is the one that gets hurt the most
The person who always works hard
One of the hardest things I do
Is talk to you.
It doesn't happen until I snap,
And all hell breaks loose.
I try to tell you,
But the words are impossible to find.
When I do my best it is dismissed.
It seems now a days im having more dreams
Were im falling straight down
No destination in sight
No light to guide
Sometimes I wish I would just reach the end
Cause it seems more and more these days
When Robbin Williams died,Suicide,My family sighed saying, that's just how things are sometimes.
when i was about to suicide
when i was about to kill myself
you stayed around me so i'd
stopped feeling worthless-myself.
do you know what you'd said?
you said that i matter.
A sword flashes through my sight
Blood flying from its blade
I’m entranced
It’s beautiful
I stand slack
The image firm in my mind
There is the slight moment of regret
where we wish we could take it back
and if even for just a fraction of a second
we may hope it just scares us out of doing it again.
Depression i not justblack clothesblack hairand ruined makeup. Depression can befloral dressescurled hairand a bright smile. Please, do not stereotypean illness
Sticks and stonesmay break my bonesbut words will tear my skin apart. Sticks and stonesmay bruise my skinbut a bladeis what almost killed me.
I’m asleep oh so gentle, so calm. I wake up to a touch on my arm. I jump up scared thinking he’s back, I then notice the feeling was myself touching my arm. “Anyone there?” I ask frightened.
i honestly dont know what you expected
this isnt a poem
you want to know how much i want attention?
yeah
me too.
Her uniquely coloured hair,
Her icey blue eyes.
No one really knows,
Her life is full of lies.
Her smile looks so real,
But she knows she's just a fake.
Everyday she wonders,
We overcome obstacles everyday
They make us view things differently from yesterday
Overcoming an obstacle, takes us a step closer to being wiser
Oh! Fork, you are so silver and strong.
You help me eat my salad.
This is why I write a ballad.
Oh! Fork with no distinct handle.
Picked up ham, cucumber and leaf
Cheese and Onion and beef
It was on that dark, depressing night
So very silent
Giving me nothing to do
But think
Think about everything that has ever happened
That I have ever done
I was contemplating my life
Problems at home, problems at school
She didn't know where she belonged
She thought she could take this much pain
Well guess what, little girl think again
Naaaa i ent saying that shes blame
Go on, do it
I dare you
Eliminate the innocence
Illuminate the sky
There’s no need for your presence?
I can assure you that’s a lie
How could this have happened? I invested my trust in you
When you reach rock bottom
There's not much that can help
The drugs are never enough
You've reached a personal hell
That's how I was
And I've got a story to tell
About my journey to the demon
How dare you stare down at me
Such cold hostilitity radiating from your soul
How dare you find the notion
That I am below the ground you tread
I will make you consume all that I stand for
I'm sorry
But I can't go on
Living in worry
My heart is a con
To the pro's of life
It hurts to love
Someone who doesn't strife
Not to shove
Me down every time I get close.
I looked in the mirror today,
only to see the androgynous face ,
of a broken Gothic stone angel gazing back at me,
Ghosts of hatred
screams of pain
words of torture
one fear
one leader
army of a million
one thousand dark thoughts
crys for help
A knife to my chest
Or a gun to my head
as i breathe my last breath
though im already dead
Who cares if i die
Or is this just satans lies
its myself i despise
All these tears i done cried
would you miss me if i died? Would you stay up late at night
if you knew today was my goodbye
would you try when you woke
because your the one who wished it on me
would you try to call the next day
Even though she looks unhappy to be here,
every time the last bell rings she doesn't hustle out the door like the rest of them do.
She does not know when to behave,
never asked me if I am ok,
criticizing and jabbing at my brain,
the pounding heartbreaking pain.
She knows there is someone to blame,
Trapped.
She is trapped with no way out.
The fraction of hope that she contains is the only thing that is keeping her sane, if that is what she is.
At this point, there is no doubt in her mind that he will return.
Drowning.
She is drowning in the loneliness that is clouding her thoughts.
When she thought.
If she thought;
she thinks she feel him, just in the back of her mindset.
"he's still here."
here.
Here and gone. The words meld into one.
I screamed. I cried. I lost my mind.
Is it possibly to feel so much at the same time?
Forever heed the soldiers call
The blood of innocence shall they steal
And shall king kneel
'Till army fall
The face of purity soldier maul
So still, silent sound
There's a stillness
to the air.
Quiet fills the space.
Soffocating
in it's entirety
at the center
lies a soul
scarred and fading.
Tears stream
from closed eyes.
I'm here hiding
Hiding under this thick shell
I'm tired of lying
I will raise some hell
Bring all of my flowing emotions out in the air
I'm done with being this person
The smile brings joy
as the eyes bring sorrow
and as the mouth tells of yesterday
the eyes tell of tomorrow
Wash away this pain,
Like black rain,
Leave a mark where you go,
So I won’t have to know,
It’s hurting me inside,
Since my love died,
I can’t forget what I never
know,
A dirty house but not a home.
Fighting, thieving, unfortunate parents.
I'm embarrassed to call them my own.
Ashamed of the walls, the scratches and the dents.
Who is to blame? Abuse and neglect, it will all leave little girl a wreck. Tired of the same thing. Every day, every night, nothing changes, it will never be right. Waking up to screaming, bloody white tears are gleaming.
There is a mess, a clutter, a crowd that she found,
A thing that we run from that follows her around.
A climax, a friction, a trick that she believed-
A gift that she thought that she had received.
Recently, I've had a problem with suicide...
Just thinking about it, you know?
Seems like things would be a lot easier
If I just died.
No bills to pay,
No worries
No one to disappoint
Sitting here inside myself
Specters ruminate
Suicidal apathy
My ego is irate
As I melt into my chair
Dazed and a bit confused
At 6, she wanted to be a ballerina.At 9, she wanted to be a doctor.At 14, she wanted to be skinny.At 16, she wanted to be dead.
They don’t teach you not to be small.I’ve been in a million classrooms that teach us not to get too big and make sure we exercise enough.Never have I heard, “Don’t get too small.”
PTSD, bi polar, adhd, and borderline personality disorder they say. Born dependant on crack cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol. Two weeks in the niccu, which I was lucky it was just two.
What were you thinking?
Letting her feel so alone
she was crying, hurting and breaking
Bones were what the mirror shown
All she wanted was someone to care
For someone to finally be there
Oh my dear, I can hardly wait.Soon we two shall dance with the teasing belladonna hoping to ensnare us bothYou have been too long without a partner, but you have been beautiful
You’d never know the mess she made; she always locked the door behind her
The cold made her ever more careful, she could never be too sure
What she did in the dark she kept to herself, she wanted to fool them all
I miss the days where we could be carefree. No bills. No anger of any real sort. No stress. No money to worry about managing. But that was a world we lived in as children. Young and unaware of the World's true colors.
the first time i hated myself, i was 9 years old.
groups of soulless children followed me around the schoolyard
calling me diseased ridden, disgusting, fat...
the laughed as my tears splashed on the table at which i sat
is it sad
that tonight as i prayed
i asked god
that if someone was to die tonight...
if someone who doesn't deserve to die...
someone who is loved
and is pure of heart
The tears fall from her faceLike a river that never endsThe pain that she feelsClawing its way throughThey laugh and jokeNot seeing what it's doingTearing the hole bigger
Do not say goodbye, please hear me out first;
I love you, and know that I’m on your side
You say it’s done and it couldn’t get worse
While you reflect on the tears you have cried.
They call me the "Ice Queen" for a reason.
I honestly don't know what happened.
Even when I was kid, young, naive, and believing in everything, I didn't believe in myself
Don't tell me you're sorry
If it takes my blood
Dripping to the floor
For you to notice
You're not truly sorry
You're just desperate
For a quick relief
I used to look down a lot
My head full of melancholic thoughts
And myself so weighed down
I could not stand up.
In fact I was falling,
deeper and deeper into a depression
Nearly crumbling on the edge of sanity — tip-toed, teetering and tottering
I am ready to collapse at any given moment,
at any given second.
I am fairly certain of my inadequate understanding of this world.
3,014 days since you breathed your last breath.
3,014 days since you last felt pain.
3,014 days I have been given to wonder if making it to the next day would be worth it.
You talk a great deal about your struggles.
You pin them up like badges of honor
when really you are a coward hiding in the corner
behind those "friends" you deem your pawns.
You sit in the corner
in the darkness.
Hiding from everyone else.
You hide your scars
as everyone laughs.
You're an outcast.
They label you
as an EMO FREAK!
Nobody cares.
I’m sorry if it’s strange, but I don’t feel right
And it’s taken me a while to figure out why.
Now it’s hit me, I know why I feel so undone.
I’m just not fighting anymore.
Thank you teacher
For not seeing in the bleachers
A child sits there through the violence
In silence.
He is tormented and attacked
With the words which he speaks not back
To the ones who
When you have a bad day
and you're tired and torn,
when you look up to the sky
and ask why you were born,
don't let it get to you,
because you're better than that.
Don't let it trouble you,
Teacher, TeacherCan't you seeWhat this life is doing to me?
Can't sleep at nightDue to memories and fearAnxiety chewing away at meA family that doesn't care
Understand, this is not right.Listen, hear me warn you.This is not a fair fight.You will fail, win, lose.
If only I would have told her,
Just once,
That I loved her.
If only I would have smiled,
Just once,
To show I cared.
If only I would have stood,
Just once,
When no one would,
When you've hit your lowest point it's so easy to go back.
You can smile the pain away, but it has the potential to attack.
My hand, yes it hurts
but my mind hurts more.
Why do I write you ask?
Because I can't go back to how I was before.
I can't afford to be that girl
Who feels the need to end it all.
They don't understand.
The more they put me down , the more I feel like hurting myself.
If I were on a bridge,
I’d jump off.
If I had a gun to my face,
I’d pull the trigger.
If I had a knife close by,
I’d stab myself.
If I had scissors in my hand,
Behind,this fake smile,Is a sad,pathetic,ugly,Lil' Girl,Hiding a million tears,Within her "hyper" self,But at night,This all changes,The tears rolling out,like a severe Thunderstorm
So young with highs as sharp as mountain peaks,
and lows deeper than the bottom of the sea.
The flashes of emotions were killing me,
and the pills were not healing me.
In my head there were bits and pieces
I write because
Actions can never completely suffice.
We are to control ourselves
But there is a war raging within me.
You're so sad, your tears illuminate a dreariness that words can't describe,
you're so angry, the wrath of your fury is something you can't hide.
"I've lost all hope of you ever doing anything right!"
"You will never amount to anything!"
These phrases and more echoing through my head
"Just end it now!" I think as I collapse behind the door
Your left your past behind,
Along with me.
Had you forgotten?
The man who you were supposed to be?
Inspire me beloved poetry,
surrounded in nothingness,
alone and lonely,
no place to call home but hell,
but if hell is my realm then what next may come,
asked I the suicidal bastard son,
